Marry me. Stay the same. Lie to me and try to say you never will...
Title: Like smoke in the night air
Rating PG--- PG-13 maybe…
Pairing: Daniel Johns and Billy Martin
Summary: It’s Daniels wedding, and Billy is faced with the realization that it is all real. That his and Daniel’s relationship is gone, though neither of them seem to know why.
For Meggy… for no reason in particular.
Thanks to joelymoely For beta’ing
I walked in, and my first thought was, it’s beautiful, just like him. I walk through the crowds of people. Ignoring all the, "Hello’s" and "How are you doing" from some familiar faces, others, people I never remember meeting. Pushing through, and walking down the isle, crushing the petals thrown over it previously.
Scanning the room, trying to find a seat, I wanted to be as out of the way as possible. I don’t even know why I am here. I told the guys I would be okay, but by the looks on their faces while I boarded the plane, I think they knew I wouldn’t. They asked a few times if I wanted them to call and say I couldn’t make it or if I wanted one of them to come along. Part of me wanted to let them call and say I was sick, or send back the respond card unanswered, but I knew I couldn’t. I had to see it I had to know it was real. So I wiped my tears and got on the plane.
I found a seat off to the side, away from all the people I didn’t want to have to look at. I sat down and sort of pushed myself as far into the chair as I could, as far away from everyone else as I could. I crossed my legs and played with my fingers in my lap. Trying not to tear up, thinking about everything that’s going on, not wanting my eyeliner to run. All I could think of was how I didn’t want to be there, yet how I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.
I looked up and saw you standing there, at the end of the isle. I immediately straightened up in my chair; you never liked it when I slouched. But then I remembered you weren’t there to tell me to straighten up, you were there to marry. To marry someone else. I guess you saw me looking at you, because you smiled. My tie immediately felt too tight and I started playing with the knot trying to relieve the breath I had caught in my throat.
You looked at me, worry in your eyes, but soon turned away as the wedding presentational began to play. I sat there as men and women walked down the isle in pairs, and as the little girls in dresses walked down throwing more flowers upon the isle. The music began to play, and everyone stood up.
That the first time I saw her, she was beautiful. She lived near you could see each other every day. I saw her smile, and your face lit up. I still don’t like her, I don’t know her, but she took you away from me and that’s all I really need to know.
When she reached you everyone sat down. You recited your vows, and said you would take each others’ hands, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part. They asked the question,
"Does anyone have reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace?" I moved in my chair, I got half way up before I realized what I was doing and sat back down before anyone noticed. One problem, I think you noticed. I saw you glance at me for just the briefest of all seconds, before turning back to her. I closed my eyes, trying to avoid tears, as you became Daniel, and Natalie Johns. As you turned to the people and kissed, I felt like I was going to pass out. This couldn’t be real, it just couldn’t.
I stood out on the balcony, alone. Everyone else was inside, having fun dancing eating, greeting the newlyweds. I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t look you in the eye and say I was happy for you. So there I was on the balcony, indulging my worst habit with the French cigarette I held between my fingers.
I stood there, breathing in and out, bringing the cigarette to my lips, and then letting the smoke go in the night air, watching the smoke dissipate, only to blow more into the void. My mind was wandering back to the times you and I spent together. The hours spent talking, and the nights together, the first time we met how star struck and ignorant I was, to the day you told me loved me, after chasing me to New York.
Picking up a rock and throwing it down in the abyss below me. "You’re just going to stay out here all night aren’t you Billy?" I heard coming from behind me, that Australian accent giving you away. I took a drag and held the smoke in as long as I could before letting it go,
"Probably. There’s nothing in there for me."
"I’m there, doesn’t that count?" You slipped behind me, and wrapped your arms around my waist and leaned forward into the cigarette taking a drag, before letting your head rest on my shoulder and I could feel you lightly kiss the back of my neck.
"We can’t do this anymore," I began my voice shaking and threatening to cry. "You’re not mine anymore."
"What happened; to us I mean." You whispered into my neck, lips playing with my skin. "I remember a good morning kiss, and you getting on a plane and then nothing."
I let the smoke go and rise up disappearing into the night. "It was like smoke, it lasted as long as we held it inside, but as soon as we let it go, it’s gone." I let myself lean on you, even though part of me was screaming that it was wrong. "Does she love you?"
"Yeah she does." You started, "But not like you did."
I let out a deep breath, calming myself before continuing. "Do you love her?"
"Yeah I do, but she’ll never compare you. I never should have let you go. My one regret in all this was I never chased that plane, I just let you leave." I could feel your eyes tear up.
"We can’t live in the past, you’re married now." I put the cigarette out on the railing and turned around on your arms, resting my cheek on your chest.
"Can I ask you something?" You mumbled into the top of my head.
"Anything."
"Why didn’t you stand up? I saw you in there; you were going to stand up, when they asked for objections." You said as you pulled me into the security your body held.
"I didn’t think you would want me to."
"I guess it’s too late now." You said into my skin.
"Well now I have something to regret." I looked up into your eyes and you lifted your hand to wipe the eyeliner that my tears dragged down my face.
"I love you."
"I love you too," I don’t know if I kissed you, or if you kissed me, but I know it happened, and I know neither of us pulled away.
"I have to get back to my party." You said, bringing your hand up to your lips as if stunned by our last action. "Billy?"
"Yeah…"
"Don’t lose my number." You said, pushing some hair out of your eyes.
"As long as you don’t lose mine." And with a smile you were gone, back into the crowd for people, that will never know what we shared, or maybe it’s what we share, and you know what? I don’t think I would want them to know.
Rating PG--- PG-13 maybe…
Pairing: Daniel Johns and Billy Martin
Summary: It’s Daniels wedding, and Billy is faced with the realization that it is all real. That his and Daniel’s relationship is gone, though neither of them seem to know why.
For Meggy… for no reason in particular.
Thanks to joelymoely For beta’ing
I walked in, and my first thought was, it’s beautiful, just like him. I walk through the crowds of people. Ignoring all the, "Hello’s" and "How are you doing" from some familiar faces, others, people I never remember meeting. Pushing through, and walking down the isle, crushing the petals thrown over it previously.
Scanning the room, trying to find a seat, I wanted to be as out of the way as possible. I don’t even know why I am here. I told the guys I would be okay, but by the looks on their faces while I boarded the plane, I think they knew I wouldn’t. They asked a few times if I wanted them to call and say I couldn’t make it or if I wanted one of them to come along. Part of me wanted to let them call and say I was sick, or send back the respond card unanswered, but I knew I couldn’t. I had to see it I had to know it was real. So I wiped my tears and got on the plane.
I found a seat off to the side, away from all the people I didn’t want to have to look at. I sat down and sort of pushed myself as far into the chair as I could, as far away from everyone else as I could. I crossed my legs and played with my fingers in my lap. Trying not to tear up, thinking about everything that’s going on, not wanting my eyeliner to run. All I could think of was how I didn’t want to be there, yet how I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.
I looked up and saw you standing there, at the end of the isle. I immediately straightened up in my chair; you never liked it when I slouched. But then I remembered you weren’t there to tell me to straighten up, you were there to marry. To marry someone else. I guess you saw me looking at you, because you smiled. My tie immediately felt too tight and I started playing with the knot trying to relieve the breath I had caught in my throat.
You looked at me, worry in your eyes, but soon turned away as the wedding presentational began to play. I sat there as men and women walked down the isle in pairs, and as the little girls in dresses walked down throwing more flowers upon the isle. The music began to play, and everyone stood up.
That the first time I saw her, she was beautiful. She lived near you could see each other every day. I saw her smile, and your face lit up. I still don’t like her, I don’t know her, but she took you away from me and that’s all I really need to know.
When she reached you everyone sat down. You recited your vows, and said you would take each others’ hands, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part. They asked the question,
"Does anyone have reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace?" I moved in my chair, I got half way up before I realized what I was doing and sat back down before anyone noticed. One problem, I think you noticed. I saw you glance at me for just the briefest of all seconds, before turning back to her. I closed my eyes, trying to avoid tears, as you became Daniel, and Natalie Johns. As you turned to the people and kissed, I felt like I was going to pass out. This couldn’t be real, it just couldn’t.
I stood out on the balcony, alone. Everyone else was inside, having fun dancing eating, greeting the newlyweds. I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t look you in the eye and say I was happy for you. So there I was on the balcony, indulging my worst habit with the French cigarette I held between my fingers.
I stood there, breathing in and out, bringing the cigarette to my lips, and then letting the smoke go in the night air, watching the smoke dissipate, only to blow more into the void. My mind was wandering back to the times you and I spent together. The hours spent talking, and the nights together, the first time we met how star struck and ignorant I was, to the day you told me loved me, after chasing me to New York.
Picking up a rock and throwing it down in the abyss below me. "You’re just going to stay out here all night aren’t you Billy?" I heard coming from behind me, that Australian accent giving you away. I took a drag and held the smoke in as long as I could before letting it go,
"Probably. There’s nothing in there for me."
"I’m there, doesn’t that count?" You slipped behind me, and wrapped your arms around my waist and leaned forward into the cigarette taking a drag, before letting your head rest on my shoulder and I could feel you lightly kiss the back of my neck.
"We can’t do this anymore," I began my voice shaking and threatening to cry. "You’re not mine anymore."
"What happened; to us I mean." You whispered into my neck, lips playing with my skin. "I remember a good morning kiss, and you getting on a plane and then nothing."
I let the smoke go and rise up disappearing into the night. "It was like smoke, it lasted as long as we held it inside, but as soon as we let it go, it’s gone." I let myself lean on you, even though part of me was screaming that it was wrong. "Does she love you?"
"Yeah she does." You started, "But not like you did."
I let out a deep breath, calming myself before continuing. "Do you love her?"
"Yeah I do, but she’ll never compare you. I never should have let you go. My one regret in all this was I never chased that plane, I just let you leave." I could feel your eyes tear up.
"We can’t live in the past, you’re married now." I put the cigarette out on the railing and turned around on your arms, resting my cheek on your chest.
"Can I ask you something?" You mumbled into the top of my head.
"Anything."
"Why didn’t you stand up? I saw you in there; you were going to stand up, when they asked for objections." You said as you pulled me into the security your body held.
"I didn’t think you would want me to."
"I guess it’s too late now." You said into my skin.
"Well now I have something to regret." I looked up into your eyes and you lifted your hand to wipe the eyeliner that my tears dragged down my face.
"I love you."
"I love you too," I don’t know if I kissed you, or if you kissed me, but I know it happened, and I know neither of us pulled away.
"I have to get back to my party." You said, bringing your hand up to your lips as if stunned by our last action. "Billy?"
"Yeah…"
"Don’t lose my number." You said, pushing some hair out of your eyes.
"As long as you don’t lose mine." And with a smile you were gone, back into the crowd for people, that will never know what we shared, or maybe it’s what we share, and you know what? I don’t think I would want them to know.