(no subject)
Okay I rp in a place I called St. Ulrics, it’s a reform school for young boys (Catholic), I play Tony and my dear Sara Connor. They are head over heels in love to put it simply. Connor is a social worker at the school, as well as a Boston Saint, a fact only Tony and a few choice other people know. Tony is a 17 year old student. I am a monolog whore for this place so I have written a few monologs that are practically fics about Tony and Connor, and add Murphy (a priest) into that mix. I thought I might as well post them here cause they are writing and it is my journal. But I am going to fix this little thing to each one to make it clear what’s going on.
Title- at 12 years old his innocence was lost.
Author- Foreveryours311
Rating- R (for rape)
Summary- Connor takes Tony shooting, it bringing up bad memories Tony cant help but his normal reaction, running. In the woods bullet after bullet digging into a tree Tony relays the story of the day he lost his innocence.
Tony’s sitting with his back to a tree looking through the thick woods towards Connor, Connor who’s leaning against his black camaro, smoking slowly his eyes completely unreadable as the reflective sunglasses make it impossible for Tony to see his eyes. There’s a gun poking out of the top of his pants, and Tony can’t help but stare as Connor draws the gun and fires at a tree towards his left. It looks like a scene from a movie Connor the main character as he leans back against the car his pea coat open and his lips back around the cigarette, Tony can’t help but think it is, but its not and that’s the scary part.
Tony wonders why he didn’t just do the smart thing and actually go to the doctor this weekend instead of getting into Connors car and driving to the middle of nowhere to shoot at trees. He ashes his own cigarette as he thinks and he knows this is necessary. His mind is racing and he can’t even hear anything anymore as the pictures that keep flashing through his mind find their way in front of him. His memories once again becoming his reality as he relives that night all those years ago that he has tried so hard to forget but never could.
He’s 12 years old. There’s a party raging downstairs but Tony finds himself forced to stay up stairs in Matt’s room. He’s laying back on the bed with the phone next to him, mumbling to himself “I’m not too fucken’ little, stay upstairs and make sure my mom doesn’t call. I said go to my room Anthony you’re not old enough. Fuck I’m not old enough for anything am I? Not if you ask Matt” his eyes are closing as he mimics his cousin’s voice angrily; he hates this. When ever Matt has a party and he’s told to stay upstairs and answer the phone if his aunt calls, its not fair, Matt’s not that much older then him but he knows if he doesn’t listen he’ll have to deal with Matt later which is something he doesnt want to start. Tony sits up as he hears, drunken footsteps and the curses in his head get louder as he assumes it to be Mathew “I’m not old enough to go downstairs, but he’s old enough to get drunk?” Tony knows he really shouldn’t complain its more Steve’s party anyway, his older brother seems to find Matt’s house a better party place when he agrees to watch the two of them while his aunt goes out of town.
Tony’s eyes are closing now and he finds in fingers closing around the gun as his hands start to shake. He hates this memory. He does everything in his power to erase it, but he can’t, it’s something he will never forget, the shakes are moving up his arms now and pretty soon his whole body is shaking and he’s almost wishing Connor will finally go looking for him; he stormed off almost an hour ago.
He’s laying back on the bed with the phone next to him, his eyes are closed and he’s waiting; waiting for the footsteps to fade away but they don’t. As soon as the door opens he can smell the alcohol, he knows it’s not Matt. The shape in the door is too big to be his cousin and he immediately sits up on the bed, no ones supposed to come up here. Tony’s mouth opens to tell the other boy to go; everyone knew Tony was up there, it wasn’t a mistake this boy standing in the doorway. Slowly Tony begins to realize who it is. The boy in the door way is about 15, going on 16 soon enough. He’s tall and Tony knows he has seen him before, hanging around Steve but as time went on he became more Matt's friend. The boy walks closer to the bed and Tony scoots back as far away as he can get from the other boy but the boy doesn’t stop till Tony can feel his breath against his face, the words coming from Tony’s mouth are soft and shy “Get out of here. Come on, you’re not supposed to be here” but the boy pays no mind as his hands find Tony's shoulder forcing him to lay back on the bed, as Tony grabs the phone “Get off me, Steve’s gonna kill you get outta here” The phone is quickly ripped from his hand and Tony starts to struggle but its obvious who would win this fight, he opens his mouth to scream for someone to help him but the boys hand quickly stops him as it covers his mouth, and when the boy talks its almost a growl “Scream and I’ll kill you. No wait I don’t think I’ll kill you, I’ll kill your cousin” And its at this moment Tony realizes the boys not drunk, and the look in his eye is serious as Tony slowly begins to stop fighting cause he knows its true and the idea of Matt getting hurt; Matt getting killed, is a thought even at 12 he can’t bear, so he nods that he’ll be quiet as his hands are held above his head and his pants pushed down. His mind is racing and his heat is beating so loud he swears he can hear it and he can’t help but fight and cry because it hurts, hurts more then he can imagine “please, please leave, please stop, stop I wont tell anyone I swear just stop” tears are rolling down his cheeks as the older boy groans softly, all his weight pressing against Tony’s wrists as he thrusts into the smaller boy smirking sadistically a smirk that will haunt Tony’s life that night and every night after “Oh you wont tell kid, you know you won’t you’re mine, you hear me, mine, every time you turn around I’ll be there. Every time I want you, you’ll come. You listening boy? You better be, ‘cause I’ll kill him, you understand you tell a soul and I’ll kill him.” The older boy laughed as Tony cried going limp underneath him as he passes out only to wake up pants-less in his cousins bed with the other boy no where to be found, and he tries to convince himself it was just a dream but he knows its wasn’t and as pain shoots through his body when he sits up he knows he can’t even pretend to deny it. He was raped, on his cousin’s bed. It was hell, and it wasn’t done fucking with him yet.
Tony's body was shaking and there were tears streaming down his face by the time he opened his eyes again griping the gun as he raises it towards the tree in front of him, pulling the trigger over and over again as he talks “for the first time” the shots just flying out as he talks to himself his voice getting louder as he speaks “for the three years you did it.” He’s almost screaming now but the shots are drowning out his voice as he removed the silencer that capped the gun before hand “for every time you touched me, for every time you fucked me, for every time you raped me in those three fucking years. Every time you held me down, every time you came when you made me scream your name. Every time you made me call you Matt. For how much you loved seeing me cry. For the time at Matt's house, for the time on my bed, for the time in the park, behind the school, in the woods, and at Jere’s house. For every time you looked at me. For every one that knew, and everyone that did nothing” The tears were flowing freely now and he couldn’t stop them, “For my innocence, and for my childhood” He finds himself standing now holding the gun against the tree at point blank range his voice softer and his hand shaking “for killing me, killing me three times a week for three years.” He fires his last shot before falling to the ground amongst bullet casings sobbing because it’s true. He’s sobbing because he has to do this, sobbing because he hates the world for letting this happen to him. He’ll kill that boy if it’s the last thing he ever does. He puts the silencer back on the gun and gets up wiping his eyes and composing himself as he walks back towards Connor, and it just might be the last thing he ever does if he can’t even get through a training session with Saint Connor McManus.