Aquarius - 1
Aquarius
- 1 -
Yeah, I used to be like that... I used to never be able to sleep at all, staying up all night just thinking about Riku. I guess I have changed a bit since then, he has too... I get a bit distracted when it comes to him... Well more importantly, that was the night where it all started; I still remember how desperate Riku was and how terrified it made me... He had always been a little afraid of everything ever since he came back from the darkness but that night... That was something...
Well let me explain the situation to you a bit better, Riku and I met each other by accident when he was fifteen, that was two years ago. I was looking for Hades and found him talking to some witch, Malifecent? Malefecent? I can’t remember, but she dressed like a Gothic queen. I had an urge to ask her if she was married to Vincent, but decided against it.
When he moved over to Radiant Garden after defeating Xemnas he was still sixteen, almost seventeen. A few months passed and we talked a lot together, we both tasted the poison of Darkness, a flavour that never left one’s mouth. Soon I found myself talking to Riku more than Zack, and Zack is my best friend that I dated when I was younger than Riku was.
But that was a thing of the past, now is when I began to worry. See, Riku was always somewhat quiet but he was also really fun. He on occasion put his two gil and constantly showered you in golden sarcasm. To be honest he was more than just fun to be with, he made my life so much happier.
When I found out I had feelings for him stronger than I have ever felt for a long time, he just returned them. I was alright with him wanting to keep it a secret, in fact I even thought he might… But recently, he has become someone else.
He was desperate, as if he was hanging off a building. He needed my help that I would give him no mater what the circumstance… But to be honest I was scarred, he was quieter and just wanted to hide constantly.
Who was he?
I began questioning things when he stopped using sarcasm on a daily basis.
---
Would a normal person mind if their ceiling was the same forever?
The blond blinked, staring at his ceiling. Never changing ceiling, to be honest he didn't mind. Would a normal person mind if their ceiling was the same forever? The blond sighed, turning to his side... It seemed to him that tonight was one of those many nights he experienced, the ones where he just could not sleep. He looked back up at the ceiling and sighed, “Wonder if Riku is up...”
It was a whisper to himself, “No... I don't want to wake him.” He blinked. It was true he did not want to wake up the other, that and he did not want anyone to find out that he was having a romantic relationship with the younger. For some reason they had kept it a secret, possibly since it was a relationship between two males after all. The silver haired teen just was not comfortable with letting people know that he was in love with Cloud Strife.
Cloud on the other hand did not mind either way, he felt breath escape him and once more wondered if Riku was asleep. He looked around the room and sighed, he felt like he was being slowly digested by the monster known as sleep.
“Cloud?”
His head tilted, he sat up and stared ominously at the fearful voice. “Riku?”
“Are you awake?" He was standing at the doorway, afraid to come in.
“No, I'm sleep-talking.” A soft laugh, “Come here.”
The silver haired man nodded, he closed the door and walked in the dark room. Sitting on the bed, he turned his head softly to the blond, “I...”
Through the small moonlight, he saw his secret lover hold a pendant on his neck.
---
He never took the necklace off, no matter what. I think it gave him some support. To be honest I was glad he had it... gave him confidence to talk to me when he was scarred... Being swallowed entirely by darkness has effects on people, and it wasn't until I met Riku on a personal level that I understood how shattered he was.
The necklace was more than just important to him, he always told me he never remembered where he got it. He contemplated that he saw it in Neverland when trying to chase a flying Peter Pan, retrieving it later.
Sora constantly questioned the story; of course that little brat would. To me it didn’t matter if it was a gift or a small stone on the beach.
---
"C'mon." The blond wrapped his arms around the other and pulled him down, throwing the sheets over them both and smiled a bit. Cloud made a serious face, "What's wrong?"
"I..." The teenager was tightly gripping his necklace. It was a small blue orb known as 'Aquarius' and Riku treasured it forever. "Am I important to you?"
At first, the ex-Shinra worker blinked, for once the silver haired man was firm with words. It had been a while, especially these past few days that he could talk so structurally. The blond nodded, "Of course... More than anything."
The younger simply sighed and rested his head on his lover's chest. Cloud's scent was strong but not bad, somehow the flavour of it relaxed the other. Riku liked the feel of his lover's bare chest, how the muscles were so rough yet the skin was smooth. He glided a hand on it, pondering how someone could be so perfect.
Both of their soft breathing could be heard, it was as a small wind on a plain grass field, they both relaxed with one another. Especially with the reconstruction of Radiant Garden taking so much of their time, they had no chance to just enjoy one another.
Cloud looked up at his ceiling, the room was dark but his eyes had already been fixated to it. Making out small details in the dark he saw the blue stone shine a bit. Smiling to himself he sighed deeply.
"Am I... Really important?"
---
To be honest, something scared me about the way he said that... It was a dark voice, not one that belonged to him. Everyone had noticed change in Riku and Sora was really being stressed by it. But sometimes I worried if I could help him, he seemed so... beyond help that I even lost hope sometimes...
I know… Hope was something… Riku gave me when I was truly at my lows. Seeing him like this made me feel… So…
Useless… I know this isn’t a big shocker; but I hate feeling useless. Especially when now I learned that I have to protect the ones I love… And the ones who love me, I treasure my friendships and the way Riku makes me feel when I cant help him… Shatters all my thinking and confidence.
I know he doesn’t want to but I just, I get scared. I know, me, Cloud Strife, the one who saved his homeworld from the evil doing of Jenova and Hojo… Shattered at the core because of a seventeen year old boy.
---
"You are the most important thing in my life." Cloud sat up, the hair on the back of his neck rose a bit, why was this so frightening? "Riku, is something wrong?"
"Yes... No..." He shook his head, "Maybe."
The blond wrapped his arms around the other; they entered a sitting position and felt each other's heartbeat.
"Cloud." The silver haired man blinked a bit, "Make me forget."
The blond gulped hard, he knew what that meant. He had no objection to making love to his boyfriend, he had done it many times before, but when he asked that something was truly wrong. "Alright." He could not think of anything smarter to say.
The silver haired man grabbed the bottom of his shirt and threw it off his head; his chest and stomach were clearly shown. His ribs were clearly visible, it signified he was no longer eating as much as he should but Cloud said nothing. Clothes and mesh were removed and preparations were done.
To the blond, it happened in a blink of an eye, bodies melted together, passion was clearly thrown around the room. Like a storm trying to hide; they silenced their moans, forced everything inside for they did not want the people they shared this house with to know about their actions… Riku was biting on his soft lower lip so hard he had to shove a pillow in his face just to stop him from screaming.
When he was at his last moments Cloud accidentally bit down on Riku's neck, causing him to scream out. Hopping no one heard them they tried to recap from the most blissful moment they could have.
The blond crashed down next to the silver haired teen and grinned.
The silver haired man simply burrowed his head in the other's body, feeling the arms deep around him he felt safe. The blond’s arms were blissful wings; the feathers around him made him want to be in this position forever.
The blond closed his eyes, finding sleep awaiting him he happily accepted the invitation.
* * *
He found himself in a vivid dream, for some reason Riku was smiling. They were in the middle of a flower field, roses; they were on a rose field. The blond walked over to the silver haired man but every time he took a step closer the other teasingly took a step back. Cloud laughed in his dream, chasing the other he managed to tackle his lover to the ground.
"Here." The blond picked a red flower and held it to the other. Red symbolised passion, love and lust. He watched the other take it and suddenly the flower burst to flames. Standing up, he looked around and saw the whole field was on fire...
Looking down...
Riku was on fire, fading away... Never to be held again...
* * *
The blond shouted, and sat up, finding himself on his bed he realised it was a dream. Crashing back down he laughed at how fast his heart was beating, covering his face with his hands he noted that Riku was not next to him. Sighing he just tried to relax...
---
I guess I feel a little stupid, I should have realised that was a dream when I picked a flower and gave it to Riku... I mean I have my moments but I’m no helpless romantic either. I show my devotion for him but… Flowers? Let alone Roses…
Furthermore when Riku didn't get mad at me for being really lame. Riku just never was one for showing one's affection; he liked it when I told him I loved him but nothing else. He tends to get really mad and makes up some excuse about other people finding out, I think he likes the act but honestly what could a seventeen year old do with flowers?
Though, something that bugged me was the fact that he wasn’t next to me when I woke up. It wasn’t that late, but Riku ‘out and about’ed as if nothing happened. It was not uncommon if one of us took forever to awaken, considering Riku would sleep through earthquakes I usually left his room just so no one would find out about us.
Recently he has been coming to me, responsibly leaving but… Still, no one would be awake enough to check my room at this time.
---
The blond stood up, he was naked but he was in his own room, grabbing a towel to cover himself he walked down the hall and decided to hit the showers. He was more of a silent type person and he had no interest to see if anyone else was awake. Going into the bathroom he set the towel on the counter top and turned on the shower.
Getting in he decided he wanted a long shower for some reason, he questioned Riku's behaviour. He wanted to know why the silver haired man was acting so strange, something must have happened, the other changed so quickly…. Almost to a frightening degree.
He was always stoic and quiet but he used to have a fun side, a side Cloud had begun to miss excessively. “Wonder what's up with him...” He sighed and washed his hair, the warm liquid poured over his body, relaxing the muscles. The hot steam made breathing a bit harder but it was something Cloud was used to. The sound of the water running made Cloud's ears hurt a bit, they really needed to change that shower head.
Sighing Cloud made sure he was clean before shutting the water completely. Stepping out, the air was not as thick and it helped him breathe. Rubbing the fogged up mirror and he dried himself quickly with the towel.
Leaving the bathroom he had spent almost an hour in, the smell of hot running water was relaxed with the soothing scent of his own house. His body adjusted to the change in temperature and he made his way to his private hole in the wall.
Entering his room he dried himself off one more time and slipped on a new pair of clothes, however he could not find a shirt. Just in a pair of dark pants and socks he looked frantically around his room. “Sometimes I wish I did my laundry…”
“I could always do it for you.”
Cloud turned his head to see a sleepy Zack Fair at the doorway.
“How you can wake up this early is beyond me.” He walked in and went through the drawer.
“What are you doing?” He blinked, “Zack, it’s past noon.”
“I don’t wake up until twelve and that’s a law.” He picked up a shirt, smelled it than tossed it at the blond. “That one seems clean, a bit small.”
Cloud sighed and threw the shirt on his bed, “Zack don’t pick out my clothes.”
The raven haired man laughed a bit then poked at the revealed chest, “Have I ever told you, that you’re really sexy?”
Cloud made a low snarl and picked out a plain black shirt. Wearing it, he ignored the other. “I told you Zack.” He dried his hair one more time with the towel. “I have no interest in having a relationship with you.”
Zack sighed. “No fun.”
Cloud wanted to question it but the other left the room, to be honest he felt bad. He had a boyfriend, and was he ever faithful. However, everyone else had no idea that he and Riku were having more than a romantic relationship. “Zack, when you find out, you’ll forgive me.” He whispered to himself. He felt more than just bad, he felt as if he betrayed the other right there. Zack came back from the dead expecting his boyfriend back…
To be greeting with some made up lie about how he wasn’t the same person anymore.
Shaking his head, he had bigger fish to fry and not much fuel.
Walking down the stairs he saw his lover speaking to a brunet with fluffy hair; Sora. He pretended to ignore them but listened to their conversation. Sora was rambling on about something unimportant and Riku was laughing, strange. Cloud sat down on the living room and watched some T.V. with Zack, while the other two were in the kitchen.
“Cloud, was wondering when you were gonna wake up.” Riku smiled, he put a plate down in front of the blond. “I wasn’t too hungry so you could have it.”
Cloud smiled and nodded, well that was odd. Cloud thanked him and took a bite of a sandwich, to be honest it was good. No, it was far grander than that, it was possibly one of the best he had ever tasted. “What did you put in it?”
Riku shrugged, “Well we had leftovers so I just put some mayo, turkey, bacon, a bit of that sauce…” Riku went off with ingredients that no one else in the room even understood.
---
Well incase you didn’t get the memo; Riku is hard to figure out. Anyone who puts an incredible amount of effort into a simple thing like a sandwich would not just say “I didn’t feel like eating it.” I knew right then he made it for me, it made me more than just happy but…
I wanted to ask Sora if he actually did eat anything. When he defeated the heartless, he wasn’t a bigshot or anything but he had muscle… Now he is just, frail. It creeps me out everytime I see his bare bones… I know its wrong to say it, I know. It’s just that, when someone goes from tough and quirky to frail and weak…
I get shivers. More than that, I worry about him. I worry so much and I just… With our little arrangement I cant just walk up to Sora and say “I’m sorry to bother you, but is Riku eating food?” Why I have done that before, but Sora is pretty smart and is suspecting something. So I just let it go…
Not to mention that I cant directly ask him without him getting angry and once again make an excuse.
---
Zack frowned, “I don’t get a sandwich…”
Sora just laughed, “Go make one yourself, you’re so lazy.”
“I’m lazy?” Zack blinked, “You’re the one that decided that instead of working on the bridges and houses we should pretend to get lost in The Great Maw and do nothing.”
“Well you’re the one that agreed!”
“Lovely.” Squall sighed.
Cloud laughed when he saw the SeeD enter the room with a glare, he thought nothing of the morning. Everything seemed fine, perfectly fine.
So perfect, he knew deep down it was a lie.
Looking off to Riku, who was smiling, who was laughing… Who was happy. Cloud wondered; what exactly was last night? He put the thought away and just watched as he ate the sandwich. His eyes traced his lover, examining him. He was alright… Perfectly fine, it could not be true.
However it was when Riku gave him a look back, Cloud saw deep in Riku’s eyes… This was all just a show; the last thing Riku wanted to do was worry his best friend, Sora. Cloud sighed and looked away.
“Well c’mon.” Sora stood up, “We gotta go!”
“Okay, calm down.” Riku laughed, a fake laugh, and walked out the door.
Cloud felt a bit off by the fact that he was not told a goodbye, but they could not risk something like that. He lied down on the couch and looked up at the ceiling. Feeling something on his chest he frowned. “Zack!”
“Sorry.” He stood up and smiled, “Tee-hee.”
Cloud held back a smile and glared.
“Okay.” The raven haired man plomped down next to the other, “You have a crush on someone?”
“What?” Cloud asked back, “No.”
“Really?” Raising his eyebrow the First Class smirked, “I think there is someone you like.”
“I would tell you.” Cloud attempted to throw the question off.
“Last time you didn’t!”
“Zack… You were my crush last time.”
“Tee-hee.” Zack made a noise then plopped on the other couch, “So, who is it?”
“No one.”
“As in someone?”
“No…”
Zack gasped, “Your not in love with those Nobody things Sora had to defeat!”
Cloud blinked, were they even having the same conversation? He smiled a bit, “Zack, there is no one.” A pure lie, a lie he had to make. Even if he wanted to tell the SOLDIER about his significant other, he could not. He made a pure blood promise.
“You know you are not fooling anyone.” Squall spoke as he walked in.
“You too?” The blond asked in disbelief.
“It’s obvious, Zack comes back from the dead and you don’t even give him a kiss… There is someone else.” The seed took a seat and changed the channel.
“Hey!” The raven yelled, “I was watching that.”
Cloud sighed and continued his staring contest with the ceiling. “Zack… When I was sixteen, and I was really sad or had a really big issue what did I do?” The blond knew the two were taken aback from the question, subtle as it was they were blown as if a storm had passed them by.
“Uh.” Zack thought about it, “You came to my room, if it was bad you used to cry a lot… With the mako injections and whatnot you used to be in tears but didn’t want anyone else to see… So you came to somewhere really private.”
“Interesting question.” Squall commented, clearly uninterested.
Cloud just looked up at the ceiling, “Somewhere really private…”
---
I didn’t know what it was about that, but something hit me hard. I used to take mako injections because I wanted to be stronger, but did they ever break me down emotionally… I cried and spent so many nights in Zack’s arms…
I remember thinking; ‘Riku cant cry or be held in my arms.’
We were a secret, and it was significant to Riku that it had to be preserved that way. Like a whisper in the wind, only the people chosen to hear it will. But even whispers had to be told to others at some point…
This was important and honestly as long as I went by what Riku wanted he would get far worse… But then; if I went against his wishes… He would be even more devastated… He trusts me, that would be betrayal, something like that was not a choice I was going to take… It had to be kept a secret, and I had to find an alternative…
And quick…
I was more than worried, I was terrified… It was worse than any mako injection or ShinRa experiment; because even then I could say no or stop it… I could tell myself it was my descision and that there was benefit…
What can I say here and now?
All that will happen is the one that matters the most to me, is getting wounded from the inside. Like an explosive, the small thread has been lit and if I don’t do something soon… He would just explode, and disappear…