(no subject)
spending all this time waiting for cameron makes me doubt the prospect of our being together.
back when i was still in chicago, he'd text me every week or so when he was sober, and i'd text him every weekend when i was intoxicated. kevin and i have this inclination to fight and argue and get angry when we're drunk and every weekend i'd go to cameron and ask for some company, some understanding, some affection and attention. every weekend, he would give it to me by telling me to leave kevin, to come back to him.
one day, one sober afternoon, cameron inquired via text, "why do you only talk to me when you're drunk? i hope your alcohol is just a truth serum." and i responded with a simple, "what's the point? we will text and im and say cute things to each other for another month, and then we'll maybe be able to chill for two months and then.. you're going to spain and i'm going to chicago and there we have it again, do we text and im and say cute things again?"
"i don't know, but it's better than suppressing our feelings. we shouldn't just ignore each other."
i think the oddest thing is that to cameron, there is no other boy. if he wants me, it doesn't matter that i have a boyfriend or that i'm seeing another boy -- either way it means that i am not his and he has to pursue me. before i told him me and kevin were "broken up" he didn't feel guilt, he feigned it.
and here we are.
we work 8-5 + travel time. we barely have time for each other yet we carry on conversations via text where we say cute permanent things to each other. the permanence of which, could very well be possible, but either way we'd be happy just being with each other now. this is what cameron meant when we didn't have to worry about going our separate ways when september rolled around.
he is probably the most difficult boy i've ever had a thing for. yet this volume of feeling i have for him completely surpasses other boys who would've treated me so much better. not treated because cameron treats me just fine, there are just many obstacles, most of of which are his own personal ones in balancing me with his family with his responsibilities and obligations. maybe this kind of boy, the kind who values his family and his education and his job and his well-being is better than a boy who would throw away everything in a few months just to spend some time with me, as if there is some kind of romanticism behind all of it.
i can't get angry with cameron because it's not fair that he has some sense of goodness. girls come and go, but family is always with you? if you abandon your future for a girl of the present, what happens when she leaves?
but in all honesty, i feel like in the end, this could all work out.
i keep taking advice from other girls and other people stronger than me, but i shouldn't. because while i'd love to tell cameron i don't want to wait for him anymore, while i'd love to start shit up with other boys, while i'd love to be like, Hey, you missed your fucking chance..
in reality i really, really, really don't. i wasn't lying when i said all this waiting is worth it. i'm not sure why, because the amount of time i spend waiting doesn't even compare to the amount of time i actually talk to him. and the amount of the time i actually talk to him doesn't compare to the actual amount of time that i actually spend time with him.
i miss him daily but this waiting? i stil feel has something behind all of it. because waiting is an action, and actions speak louder than words, right?
oh ps, that line is from danity kane - damaged.
oh my.