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my demons walk with me, they told me not to leave them alone; i put you on the tree, i tore your heart to pieces
DEITY NAME: Igraine
PANTHEON: Celtic (Arthurian)
PARENTAGE: n/a
SIGNIFICANT OTHER: Gorlois, then Uther
ABILITY: A mother's touch.
FAMILY: Arthur (son), Morgause (daughter), Morgan Le Fay (daughter), Agravaine (grandson), Mordred (grandson), Gawain (grandson)
HUMAN ALIAS: Leola Atherton
NICKNAMES: Elle, Leo, Lee
HUMAN AGE | BIRTHDATE: Thirty | June 21, 1981
NATIONALITY: American
MORTAL FAMILY: Gabriel (brother)
SIGNIFICANT OTHER: n/a
OCCUPATION: Sous-chef at an upscale restaurant
ETHNICITY: Caucasian
HEIGHT: 5'10"
BUILD: Slender
HAIR COLOR: Medium blonde
EYE COLOR: Gray-blue
PLAYED BY: Diane Kruger
PERSONALITY: A first meeting with Igraine tends to stimulate the following thoughts: she's a pleasant person to speak with, is kind, thoughtful, and always mindful of others' safety and well-being. Sweet and soft-spoken, she maintains a charm in the words she speaks and in all of her room-lighting smiles. Both generous as well as charitable, many times she'll put the people she loves before herself, feeling that if they can be happy, she'll eventually know the same happiness.
As a mother puts, or should put, her children before her own safety to an extent, there is a certain altruistic quality to the way she does her very best to take care of loved ones. Maternal until the end of her days, Igraine is patient and understanding whenever it comes to helping her family and friends through their problems. Though without children in this life, she adores those sweet faces and can often feel slightly nostalgic around them as she remembers her own children. She is very fond of innocence and purity, particularly in children, and wishes in many ways that people could remain that way growing up.
Once upon a time, the Lady Igraine had servants and staff to do the cooking and cleaning for her, but in this life, she rather prefers to do those things herself, and actually enjoys it. Cooking is something she's always had fun doing, and despite the mishaps in her younger years, within time and with lots of determination, she proved to be someone who could actually avoid burning pots and blowing up microwaves. Cleaning is another favourite, and while she's far from a neat freak, things left messy or dirty make her fingers want to inch toward a garbage bag or mop.
Devotion is something very crucial to Igraine, as it once was in her past life. She is fiercely dedicated and loyal to family and friends, and feels pained at the thought of betraying any of them, on purpose or otherwise. Her love never needs to be earned, but only cherished. Never would she think about cheating on a lover or intentionally hurting anyone dear to her, not even if it benefited her in some way. The concept of being unfaithful to someone is beyond her, as she truly believes the heart should always come before the wandering eye. Every kiss and every hug given to her dear ones is genuine and full of the maternal love she feels they deserve.
Igraine's natural inclination to be flirty, as a Gemini-Cancer cusp, is something that greatly bothers her. Because she's aware of all her flaws, or at least most of them, she knows that flirting with any man will only bring her pain. Unfortunately, it's not something she can always flip on and off like a switch. Being overly flirtatious with someone can lead to her feeling foolish and very much like a tool, so when she picks up on it, she can be quick to end a conversation or at least change the topic. It is never her intention to offer any man any indication that what she wants is beyond conversation.
But that doesn't mean that she can't feel attraction. More than once, she's felt that surge in her heart when laying her eyes on someone she was sexually attracted to. And sometimes, she's also wondered what it would be like to be wrapped up in those arms. When Igraine does experience those thoughts, however, she becomes extremely embarrassed and makes every attempt to dismiss them. Her guilt over that attraction can, on occasion, bring her to near tears, and more often to church. That guilt, of course, is not unfounded.
Ever since recovering her memories of who she once was, Igraine shouldered her shame of having betrayed her first love, her Gorlois. That extreme guilt is perhaps her greatest weakness, and it has been a constant weight on her mind for almost two decades. Not once has she ever felt Gorlois deserved what had been done to him, and although he would never know what happened, still she blames herself every day for what transpired that night. Her loyalty to him knew no bounds, and every night that she's fallen to her knees in quiet prayer, she's asked for forgiveness from not only him, but God as well.
As a result of committing that sin against her husband, though not with intention, Igraine took it upon herself to owe it to Gorlois by vowing to preserve her virginity and never let another man lay a hand upon her in a way she considered inappropriate. Although she longs to be held once more, every iota of her determination is put toward making sure she will never make the same mistake again. As such, she has never been in a relationship, and has never shared a kiss with anyone, save for the kisses she's given her family. Every moment spent thinking of him is a moment of both dread and longing: dread in confronting him out of fear he'll never forgive her, and longing to be with him as she once was.
Her pain and all of her guilt is something she keeps from her loved ones, and though it hurts for her to lie, she knows there are some secrets that should not be disclosed. The suffering she puts herself through is for a cause; it is her atonement for her mistake and all the mistakes that followed. While she doesn't regret the birth of her son Arthur, she cannot wipe that slate clean. That burden, as it is her heaviest one, is hers to bear. For that reason alone, Igraine keeps her identity hidden, another secret she's kept locked away for so many years.
Privacy is something that she values, not only when it comes to prying and secrets, but also when it comes to personal space and simply wanting to be alone. Whenever there is a desire to be with herself and her thoughts, she's always polite in dismissing herself from a room. The thoughts she plagues herself are her undoing, and there are times she can't be around anyone, even those she cherishes. Once collected, she'll walk right back in with that charming smile, to lead everyone into thinking things will be alright when they can never know how often she berates herself.
The art of deceit is something that Igraine learned long ago how to perfect. It was never because she wanted to hurt anyone -- if anything, it was to protect herself from harm. Selfish? Very much so. Keeping both her guilt and her identity to herself resulted in many lies falling from her lips in order to keep everyone she loved in the dark. But lying has never been something she enjoyed. Every time she tells a lie, she's assaulted by shame that she hides beneath her smiles. It pains her to be dishonest, most especially when she knows God is watching her every move, but she feels as though keeping the burden to herself is something she has to do alone.
Though polite upon first meeting, Igraine can be extremely distrustful of people. After what Merlin once allowed her to be put through, whether or not it was for the greater good, she can feel wary about anyone that approaches her, unconsciously doubting their intentions so many lifetimes after being deceived. Once she deems someone as safe, she will be more likely to open up, but it can sometimes take a while for her to be completely open with someone, as she hasn't even been completely open with family about her past. And how could she be? Being a reincarnation was hardly a topic to bring up at the dinner table.
She also can be miffed when someone, most especially when it's someone she doesn't know or know well, asks very personal details. Even her phone number is something she has to think about handing out, which means her address is usually something that requires a lot of trust on Igraine's part. Such inquiries are politely asked about, and in most cases, if she truly doesn't feel confident in divulging such private information, she'll offer some alternative or arrange a meeting in another location. Details about things of an extremely private nature, such as anything about her bodily functions, how she sleeps, or what she wears to bed, are most often flat out refused. But in the end, it comes down to how much she trusts that person.
While her spirit is youthful, her mind is wise. Igraine can even succumb to childlike excitement at times, though it's something she keeps on a leash unless it's around her siblings, who she feels the closest to out of all of her family. Though she is careful not to hurt others, she prefers to be practical and tell people what she feels would benefit them most in the long run rather than giving them a fake reassurance. She doesn't feel her opinion is worth more than others, but she does give them, sincerely wishing the pain of living a lie on no one. In those occasions, her words are chosen carefully and spoken with the wisdom of someone who believes she's already walked the wrong path.
Raised Catholic, she also holds a belief in God, and therefore a power higher than her. Even if she was simply Leola instead of Igraine, she would still attend Sunday mass, pray daily, and say Grace at every meal. As devout as she can be, she does her very best never to sin outside of lying, use the Lord's name in vain (or swear at all for that matter), or give into the idea that actions do not have consequences. If someone does wrong, they should be punished, and so Igraine feels that in order to truly be forgiven, she must atone for all of her life for something she can never take back. If someone does wrong, they should be sorry and mean it. To Igraine, a 'sorry' should only be given if the person truly wants to be forgiven, otherwise it's just a hollow apology, which, as someone looking to be forgiven every day, hardly sits well with her conscience.
There are a lot of things that Igraine can handle and a lot she can't. She can withstand the sight of blood and gore, but not the sight of anyone engaging in physical intimacy. Though far from entirely fearless, she takes most scary things in stride, like horror movies, being in the dark, and creepy crawlies. She was, and still is, the one who held her siblings' hands and crawled into their beds with them when something terrified them. But some things that do give her genuine fear include intimacy, falling in love, losing her family, bridges, airplanes, and being put to sleep. Most of her fears have to do with a lack of trust, especially when it comes to safety, whether it be her own or someone else's.
When it comes to rejection receiving criticism, Igraine seldom becomes a mess. Rejection is rarely taken as a personal strike against her person, and instead seen as something she undoubtedly needs to improve on. Never has she believed there is no room for improvement. Criticism, when constructive, is also valued and always taken into account. She finds it rude to wave away people's thoughts, and even if they're entirely harsh, she does think about them, and wonder if there isn't a way to improve somewhere.
Even when she doesn't take such things personally, she is still an emotional person. Sad movies or stories can still get her holding back tears or full out crying, and she is greatly affected by the sadness of others. Igraine is most usually seen wiping her eyes instead of crying in front of others, partly out of a lack of trust and a need to be seen as someone who can be strong, which she most certainly is. Setbacks and guilt aside, she holds her chin as high as possible every day and is always making sure to keep her composure. In a situation where she feels threatened, unless severe physical pain is at the other end, Igraine will stand her ground and protect what needs to be protected.
Once a duchess and a queen, she is far from a pushover or an easy target, and refuses to allow anyone to knock her down. Politeness can only go so far in a troubling situation, and in those moment where her composure cracks and those emotions come spilling through, her anger can cloud her judgment. Because of the embarrassment that will typically follow, she tries her hardest to keep her emotions in check, fearing they'll run all over the place if she doesn't. Once a queen, always a queen, and she can and will be fierce when it's required.
Self-disciplined and determined to do right in this life, the Lady Igraine is diplomatic, conservative, and extremely goal-oriented. She knows what she has to do to gain that forgiveness she so craves, and while every day is a battle that she bravely faces, still she knows happiness and what it is to love. And Igraine looks forward to a day where she can look Gorlois in the eye and give him the apology he so rightly deserves to hear from her.
HISTORY: Before she was the mother of King Arthur, Igraine was simply the Lady Igraine: the wife of Gorlois, the Duke of Cornwall. Their marriage was easy and loving, and never once did she complain when her husband was called away. To him she bore three daughters and no sons: Morgause, Elaine, and Morgan Le Fay, all of whom she adored and lavished love upon. Back then, Igraine was a very faithful woman, one who would never think twice about double-crossing her Gorlois.
But then Uther Pendragon, the King of England, laid eyes on the beautiful Igraine. He lusted after her, and even attempted to woo her in court, but she spurned his advances, not appreciating how forward he was yet attempting to be polite all the same. Gorlois was the only man in her life, and it would remain that way, whether or not this was the King. She informed her husband of the King's intentions, and so without permission, the two of them left Uther's court and fled back to Cornwall so no further advances could be made.
This, of course, did not please the King in the slightest. To leave without his permission? It was unacceptable. Infuriated, he declared war on the Duke of Cornwall. A war ensued, but not before Gorlois took his beloved wife to safety. He left her within what he thought were the safe walls of the castle Tintagel, and fled back to battle once he was sure she would be safe with guards and her ladies. But how they underestimated Uther and his resources.
He sought the help of Merlin, who used magic to disguise his King as Gorlois himself. It was so convincing that no one batted a lash when he waltzed into Tintagel to find the Lady Igraine. Even she couldn't tell the difference, she who had lain by her husband's side for many years. With the appearance of Gorlois, Uther took Igraine as his own. It could be said that it was rape, as had Igraine been aware it wasn't her husband, she would not have given her consent.
And so all seemed well: her husband had returned unharmed, the battles seemed to be in their favor. Until news came to Tintagel that Gorlois' life had been taken in battle. The disguised Uther denied these claims, claiming them as false before taking his leave of the castle. When they were proved to be true, Igraine was horrified and overcome with a terrible guilt. She had unknowingly betrayed her husband, and now nothing she could do would help her atone for such a great sin.
Things only worsened when she learned she was with child. There was no choice but for Igraine to take Uther's hand in marriage, thus becoming Queen Igraine of England. Their marriage was rocky at first, but in time she would come to love him. Her son Arthur, the once and future king, was eventually born as an heir to the throne.
Unfortunately Igraine was not able to keep her son. Merlin informed his majesties that Arthur would not be safe within the castle and that it would be best for everyone if he was raised away from them. Reluctantly, the Queen gave up her son, unaware of the location in which he'd be raised. Her life with Uther improved some, and though they did not have any more children, they were placated by the fact that they indeed had at least one heir. Igraine longed to see her son, but understood that there were bigger things than her own happiness.
About fourteen or fifteen years later, Uther's life was taken in a battle, leaving Igraine without a husband once again. Going with the Post Vulgate version of her myth, once her son Arthur ascended the throne, she was finally able to see him. It is unclear when she died, but it was likely before all of her children.
REINCARNATIONS: This is Igraine's first incarnation, born on June 21, 1981 as Leola Atherton to two loving parents in Brooklyn, NYC. With an elder sister of four years, she was the second-born. Two years later, her sweet brother Daniel was born. Much of her early life has been forgotten, but her parents recall her being a lovely child who didn't cause much trouble. Growing up into a somewhat well-off family meant she always had a roof over her head and food on the table, something she came to appreciate.
Although she loved her elder sister, it was Daniel whom she adored the most. There were no feelings of jealousy being the middle child, and so Leola doted on her brother, drawing herself closer to him as time passed. In time, he became her best friend. She was the comforting presence that crawled into his bed when he cried from a nightmare, the one who opened up the closets to show him no monsters were inside, and the one who picked up the bugs and showed him there was nothing to be afraid of.
Every Sunday since her childhood was spent attending noon Mass, as her family was Catholic. Churches were fine pieces of architecture, Leola discovered as a child, but only when she began attending school did she realize just how important a presence God was in her life. Catholic schools were all that she attended, and though perhaps not the brightest student, she displayed great determination and always did her very best, even when she had no idea what her best was.
The realization that she was a reincarnate hit her at the age of twelve. It was on her first date with a boy (or at least, he felt it was a date) out to a movie. Though her mother sat to her left, the boy still reached for her hand in the dark and gripped her fingers tight. She'd held hands with her brother before, but this was far from the same. Memories of a man she never knew flooded her mind, and overwhelmed with the guilty feeling, she'd left the cinema in tears. Ever since, as Igraine, she kept her identity a complete secret, not even telling her brother and best friend in fear of him thinking she'd lost her mind.
While she grew up, Leola had taken to watching her mother cook in the kitchen, and even offering to help or try something she found interesting. Because of this early interest and her continued efforts to cook and bake over the years, her decision to attend culinary school came easily. She applied and was accepted into the Natural Gourmet Institute, and after completing her training program, she was invited to work at one of her professor's restaurants.
Years went by as she developed her skills and sought to create the best dishes she possibly could, when one night she was offered a job by another chef who adored her meal. Only after a week did she decide the quit and come take up a position there, and within time, she'd finally worked her way up to sous-chef. This made Sunday dinner at her parents' house much more enjoyable when she could cook for the ones she loved.
Now Igraine keeps her secrets while doing what she adores, hoping not to come across Gorlois in the event her guilt swallows her whole.
PLAYER: Angie!
JOURNAL: thundersocks
CONTACT: mean umbrellas [aim] | rockinghorsefly[at]gmail[dot]com
ALSO PLAYS: nevermercy, eggsup, eatasam, applemantini, lettucelive, idyllsend, nightpalsy, disidentity, keepsaken, overhard, bestmed & flamethrown