The office of Socrates Poole, San Francisco, California, circa 1895
“Helloooo Brrrrrisco!”
“Pete! What the hell are you doing back? You’re supposed to be at school in Fandom!”
“It would seem that my particular attributes were not conducive to a tranquil and safe learnin’ environment for the variety of girly type boys that they have attending that institution.
“. . . You didn’t.”
“I got expelled!”
“Now, come on, Pete! That was supposed to be your second chance to learn and really make something out of yourself!”
“I did learn, there, Brisco. I learned that I . . . am an outlaw. I will never be anything but an outlaw, and I’m damned proud to be an outlaw.”
“You realize that means we’ll have to put you in jail, again,”
“You are most welcome to try, but don’t think I’m going to let you do so easily!”
“Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it, Pete. Say, did you know you have an arrow sticking out of your forehead?”
“. . . I’ll have you know that’s not an arrow. It’s a genuine ancient grecco crossbow bolt.”
“Well, be that as it may, it’s still sticking out of your forehead. How did you get a genuine Grecian crossbow bolt in your head?”
“HE TOUCHED MY PIECE!”
“. . . I should have known better than to ask. Are you going to, I don’t know, pull it out of your head?”
“. . . I admit, that had not occurred to me.”
“You rode all the way across the country from Virginia with a cross bow bolt sticking out of your forehead.”
“So it would seem.”
“Pete, you never cease to amaze me.”
“I try my best, Brrrrrrisco. Oh! And I have a present for you.”
“Aw, Pete, you shouldn’t have!”
“I know I shouldn’t, but it ain’t gonna do me no good here, I’ve discovered, so I bequeath it to you. It’s a genuine piece of comin’ thang.”
“Wow, thanks, Pete . . . what is it?”
“It’s called a ‘vibra-tor’. I never did work out what it was supposed to be used for, but I’m told that there ain’t nothing like it in this world.”
“Well, it kind of looks like-oh. Well, now, Pete, I . . . I don’t know what to say. . . . Pete? Pete, where’d you-oh for-I can catch up with him and arrest him, later. Now, what do you suppose this little arm bit is for?-OH. I think I might just have to keep this for Dixie when she gets back from China. . . .”
*bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. . . .*
“. . . Definitely giving this to Dixie.”
And, folks, that’s just what Brisco did. And my, but Dixie did love that little piece of comin’ thang, right up until the batteries died out and they had to try to get Professor Wickwire to invent new ones. And Pete went back to his life of crime, just like he said he would. And they all lived, well, if not happily, at least canonically ever after.
The End
“Pete! What the hell are you doing back? You’re supposed to be at school in Fandom!”
“It would seem that my particular attributes were not conducive to a tranquil and safe learnin’ environment for the variety of girly type boys that they have attending that institution.
“. . . You didn’t.”
“I got expelled!”
“Now, come on, Pete! That was supposed to be your second chance to learn and really make something out of yourself!”
“I did learn, there, Brisco. I learned that I . . . am an outlaw. I will never be anything but an outlaw, and I’m damned proud to be an outlaw.”
“You realize that means we’ll have to put you in jail, again,”
“You are most welcome to try, but don’t think I’m going to let you do so easily!”
“Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it, Pete. Say, did you know you have an arrow sticking out of your forehead?”
“. . . I’ll have you know that’s not an arrow. It’s a genuine ancient grecco crossbow bolt.”
“Well, be that as it may, it’s still sticking out of your forehead. How did you get a genuine Grecian crossbow bolt in your head?”
“HE TOUCHED MY PIECE!”
“. . . I should have known better than to ask. Are you going to, I don’t know, pull it out of your head?”
“. . . I admit, that had not occurred to me.”
“You rode all the way across the country from Virginia with a cross bow bolt sticking out of your forehead.”
“So it would seem.”
“Pete, you never cease to amaze me.”
“I try my best, Brrrrrrisco. Oh! And I have a present for you.”
“Aw, Pete, you shouldn’t have!”
“I know I shouldn’t, but it ain’t gonna do me no good here, I’ve discovered, so I bequeath it to you. It’s a genuine piece of comin’ thang.”
“Wow, thanks, Pete . . . what is it?”
“It’s called a ‘vibra-tor’. I never did work out what it was supposed to be used for, but I’m told that there ain’t nothing like it in this world.”
“Well, it kind of looks like-oh. Well, now, Pete, I . . . I don’t know what to say. . . . Pete? Pete, where’d you-oh for-I can catch up with him and arrest him, later. Now, what do you suppose this little arm bit is for?-OH. I think I might just have to keep this for Dixie when she gets back from China. . . .”
*bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. . . .*
“. . . Definitely giving this to Dixie.”
And, folks, that’s just what Brisco did. And my, but Dixie did love that little piece of comin’ thang, right up until the batteries died out and they had to try to get Professor Wickwire to invent new ones. And Pete went back to his life of crime, just like he said he would. And they all lived, well, if not happily, at least canonically ever after.
The End