(for annafeu) ignorant bliss [2/2]
Title: ignorant bliss
part one
It takes about another week for Jongin to realize that this - sleeping and sneaking around with Baekhyun - is developing into a full blown, legitimate crush. It makes him dizzy sometimes when he thinks about it, almost in a sick way because this is purely ignorant bliss.
Nothing more; nothing less. It will never amount to anything apart from great sex and leg trembling orgasms and the stolen kisses behind Ji-eun's back (because Baekhyun is careless and treats it as a game when she's around, and apparently if they get caught, then oh well, as Baekhyun had put it).
It's a rush, really. The fact that if she'd just turn around a little quicker and see Baekyun pushing his tongue between Jongin's lips with his hand palming at Jongin's dick makes his heart beat impossibly fast, both with fear and a twinge of hope that she would catch them because then he wouldn't have to feel so guilty when he sucks Baekhyun off later on.
But, she never catches them, and Jongin always sucks Baekhyun off anyway, so it doesn't really change anything.
He convinces himself he's okay with it because, hey, he's constantly sexually satisfied and his pockets are always full now. He can deal with this until he leaves for College, he thinks.
It's just how this is going to work.
“Chanyeol - the fucking idiot - wants to know if you have any friends that are, um, willing to babysit. He said he'll pay whatever.” Baekhyun tells him when he calls him on a Thursday and Jongin resists rolling his eyes at how desperate he'd made his friend sound. He takes a peek around the corner at his parents, both plucking dully at their plates, and both looking thoroughly dissatisfied.
Naturally, Hyoyeon pops into his mind. She's a natural spitfire, always willing and down for anything with overflowing confidence, and before he knows it he's telling Baekhyun, “I know just the person.”
And Jongin knew she'd be just the person for it.
He's sitting outside of Baskin Robbins with Seohyun when Baekhyun's friend - Chanyeol, he'd come to find out - drops Hyoyeon off and she motions her head for Jongin to follow her inside. He cuts Seohyun short of finishing her babbling about, “you think he likes me too, right?” and rushes in after her, curiosity itching under his skin.
She looks flushed, her hair is a mess, and she's biting away at what little bit of her nail remains (because she's always had a bad habit of biting them off).
“How was it?”
“Wild. Fucking wild. Oh god, he was so....oh wow,” she giggles, tucking her hair behind her ears.
Jongin has to laugh because her eyes are wide like an amazed child or something, though he knows it's only the fact that she's having a momentary, fleeting love for Chanyeol's dick - and Jongin doesn't blame her because her lips are still a little swollen, so he assumes it was good.
“I need a shake,” she says suddenly, nodding as she makes a move to get up.
He makes a tentative grab for her hand and mutters, “Um, Hyo?”
“What is it?”
She sits back down and Jongin almost regrets it, but he might as well say it now while he has the guts to. He fiddles with his fingers and hums while he tries to figure out a way to put what he's about to ask.
“I was just thinking that, since I set it up and all, that maybe, you know if it's cool with you, that I could get like twenty percent?”
The idea had bloomed in his head shortly after his phone call with Baekhyun ended. He supposes it does sound a little bit greedy, but he thinks that it is only fair; like a boss and employee relationship in a way. If he could keep Hyoyeon doing this with him, who knows how much money they'd both have by the end of the week? Sex and money; two things that sound mighty fucking good to Jongin.
She nods, sliding thirty-three thousand won across the table to Jongin and says, “Great doing business with you. Thanks Jonginnie.” And then she pecks him right on the lips before she bounces away to order a milkshake.
He shoves the money in his pocket and decides, yeah, this is gonna blow up in his face he's sure, but he'll enjoy what he can for now.
-
Jongin is not a party person.
Parties make him feel awkward and introverted more than he usually is, but he lets Hyoyeon drag him to one anyway. She's always been the life of everything, and bouncing through everyone and right to the alcohol is no problem for her, and she drags Jongin along by his wrist.
“Drink up, my dear Jongin,” she thrusts a red cup into his hand.
He isn't much of a drinker, but he welcomes the slightly bitter tasting liquid anyway and touches his cup to hers when she says, “Cheers?”
“What are we cheering to?”
“You, of course!”
He shakes his head and swirls the piss-colored liquid around before taking another drink. Seohyun stumbles over to them through the crowd, giggling and bouncing along (horribly and awkwardly) to the music. Jongin snorts and Hyoyeon laughs.
“Isn't this awesome?!”
“Yeah, have fun cleaning up the vomit and trying to get the smell of weed out before your parents get home,” Hyoyeon tells her flatly, looking around and making a face.
“Huh?”
“It's awesome!!!!” She chirps, voice dipping with saccharine-sarcasm. Seohyun shrieks with happiness, and Jongin wonders if she's high already or if she's just too dumb to realize that Hyoyeon is joking.
“Oh! Jongin, follow me!” She exclaims and grabs his hand, the sudden outburst surprising Jongin that he nearly chokes on his drink when he goes to swallow it. “You gotta talk to Sehun!”
Sehun is her step-brother, and Seohyun has been trying to set them up for ages. It's really no secret that Sehun likes Jongin, and Jongin is flattered really because Sehun is attractive and all, but it's so awkward to be around him. He's inarticulate and fidgety around Jongin, stumbling over his words and his eyes darting around nervously, which would probably be endearing to Jongin in another lifetime where Baekhyun didn't exist.
“Hi!” Seohyun practically screams and Jongin stares at her oddly.
Sehun glances up, glances back down, and then nods while squeaking out a quiet, “Hi Jongin.”
“Hi,” he waves and forces a smile. There's already a shift in the atmosphere and Jongin regrets allowing Seohyun pull him along. It's awkward already.
“So, I've got a hookup for some weed. You guys wanna come smoke with us?” Zitao - Sehun's Chinese friend who transferred Sophomore year - asks.
“I'm not really -“
“Yes!”
Jongin smiles quickly and lets it drop just as quick when he turns back to return to Hyoyeon, who's already bumping and swaying with a few people in the middle of the 'dance floor' (read: livingroom). Dancing is also another thing Jongin is good at, but not when it involves a not-so-big house full of intoxicated teenagers who can't find their balance; so, he sits on the stairs instead.
Right as his butt makes contact with solid surface, his phone begins buzzing in his pocket. The number is unrecognizable, leaving him iffy about answering it. He answers carefully, “Hello?”
“Is this Jongin?”
He gulps and says, “Yes...who is this?”
“Oh, uh one of Chanyeol's friends. Listen, I was wondering if you had anyone free to babysit for Thursday?” He asks. As weird as it sounds, Jongin doesn't think his voice fits someone who's wanting to pay a teenage girl (or maybe even Jongin) for sex. He sounds like a mature, business man with a modulated deep voice that drips honey with every word.
“Um, yes. What's your name?”
“Jongdae.”
“What time?”
“Six o'clock?”
“Alright.”
And then he clicks off and Jongin worries his bottom lip between his teeth. He'd already gotten one call earlier from another one of Chanyeol's damn friends, requesting the same day and Jongin is beginning to worry that if Chanyeol can't keep his big mouth shut this will spread around too much, and if it does he will definitely end up getting caught.
“Hey, you okay?”
He looks up at Hyoyeon, who's handing him a new red cup, and shakes his head. “Two of Chanyeol's friends have called today.”
“Hey, we're getting more business! That's great.”
Jongin snorts as she plops down next to him, “That is not great. If he can't shut up and word gets out and spreads, we're fucked - and definitely not in the good way. We could go to jail!”
“Calm down worrywart, we're not gonna go to jail, okay? The most they'd give is probably a few hours of community service and then we're off clean.”
He bites at his fingernails, “All men who have wives and kids and we're just fucking -“
“Wives and kids who are more concerned with their own daily lives rather than who their dad's and husbands are fucking on the side. I mean think about it; their wives will forever have themselves convinced that they live the picture perfect life - that their daughters don't think about dicks on a daily basis, their husbands don't get hard for anyone but them, and that their sons aren't rolling blunts when everyone goes to bed because that would all kill them to believe otherwise. They make it so fucking easy for us Jongin.”
He exhales and gets his head together because, as harsh as she made it out to be, she's right. “They both want Thursday.”
“I've got Chanyeol on Thursday.”
“I know.”
“Could you take one of them?”
Oddly, that seems to strike Jongin in the gut. He's never fucked anyone but Baekhyun and the idea of it doesn't really sit too well with him. He's used to Baekhyun and he's never been a big fan of change, and yet he nods anyway and says, “Yeah, but I'm not sure how happy he'll be to see a boy show up.”
Hyoyeon narrows her eyes at him, “You're hot! Anyone - guy or girl - would be happy to fuck you, especially with a pretty round ass like that. Trust me, if these guys are wanting some because their married life is lacking in the sex department, they won't really care which hole they put it in.”
He pushes her shoulder with his and laughs, “Thanks for the pep talk. That still leaves one of them alone though.”
She waves her hand, “Get someone else to sit then.”
“You mean drag someone else into our little thing, right?”
“Exactly, and I bet she'd be very happy to help us out,” she gestures over.
Jongin turns his head to where her eyes have landed, which are on a very dazed and lonely looking Seohyun who's bouncing along to the music mindlessly.
“That's the best joke you've come up with all night,” except Hyoyeon raises her brow and Jongin's smile drops. “No, there's no way I'm making her do that.”
“I didn't say she had to, but let her make her own choice.”
Listening to Hyoyeon has never ended up being a good thing for him, but he continues to listen to her anyway.
The highlight of the night, after Sehun had awkwardly tried to kiss him, is coming home to find Baekhyun, clad in a t-shirt and sweatpants, all sprawled out on his bed. He doesn't seem to care that Jongin's parents are right downstairs and Jongin doesn't either when Baekhyun pushes their mouths together, tongue flicking against his and making a quick grab for Jongin's hair.
“I figured I'd bless you with a surprise visit,” he says cheekily, grinning.
Jongin slaps his chest gently, “Bless me, huh?”
“For all I know you could've been having withdrawals,” and then he kisses him again, full on the mouth with a hand cupping under Jongin's jaw and the soothing touch of his thumb moving against the apple of his cheek.
There's a rush, but it's different from the other times. It's warm and inviting rather than fast and out of control and it floods his chest as if there was a fizzy soda shaken and set off inside of him.
-
By the end of the month, Jongin has himself a nice little business going. He's got five girls on his little 'roster' and the money keeps pouring in week by week. He can tell there's a gradual change in how he acts, how he's switching from being introverted and passive to being more extroverted and demanding. He sets everything up, therefore he gets a cut of what each girl makes, and it's all smooth sailing from there.
Or it was.
He's in the middle of blowing Joonmyun - one of Jongdae's friends - and his cock feels thick and heavy on his tongue, a little different from how Baekhyun feels when he's got a mouthful of him, but Jongin likes the weight against his tongue. There are fingers buried in his hair and they tug much harder than Baekhyun does, but Jongin doesn't mind that either.
This is his second time fucking someone that isn't Baekhyun, and the dreaded sense of feeling like he's cheating is finally starting to disappear with each thrust of Joonmyun's hips into his mouth. He does his best not to gag and presses his tongue flat against the underside of his dick and he bobs up.
“Your mouth is fucking amazing,” the older moans appreciatively.
He hums around his dick in response, causing Joonmyun's hips to jerk up faster, hitting the back of his throat enough to make him gag. Pulling off with a lewd pop, he grips the base and begins pumping up and down, thumbing around the crown of his cock and at the slit where precome bubbles up.
And right in the nick of time, his phone begins ringing, much to Joonmyun's displeasure as he grunts out when Jongin pauses his movements to answer.
“Hello?” he answers hoarsely.
“Jongin?”
Baekhyun.
“Listen, I'm gonna have to call you back. I'm babysitting right now.”
“For someone else?”
Joonmyun groans again, annoyed. Jongin sighs.
“I'll call you back,” and then he hangs up.
The way Baekhyun asked, how his tone sounded, for some reason didn't settle right with Jongin, and he ends up thinking about him the rest of the time that he jacks Joonmyun to completion, white seeping through his knuckles and Joonmyun panting heavily with a sated smile.
“So, how many times have you babysat for other people?” Baekhyun asks later that night. He doesn't sound like he really wants to know though.
Jongin lays back on his pillow and tucks a hand behind his head, “Twice...”
The phone jars from the other end and Baekhyun clears his throat. Jongin's heart is beating a little too quick and he feels guilt gnawing away at him. Really, him and Baekhyun aren't a thing; they just fuck. In a way, Jongin feels more like he's betraying himself and how he feels about Baekhyun.
“So this is a thing now, isn't it? Fucking men and getting money?”
Swallowing over the lump forming in his throat, he replies, “Yeah, yeah it is. It's good money and it's not like we're exclusive or something.”
“That's not the point.”
“Please tell me what is the point then,” Jongin presses.
“Fuck, just be safe, okay? This is some dangerous shit you're getting into Jongin.”
He laughs bitterly, “Having a moral crisis? But don't worry, I'll be just fine. When are we gonna meet up again?”
“Whenever. But, Ji-eun is starting to get suspicious of me. The 'working late' excuse isn't working anymore.” He should sound concerned, but he doesn't. Instead he sounds nonchalant, like he could care less.
Jongin ends the call then.
-
All good things come to an end, so when Hyoyeon brings it to Jongin's attention that they've been getting less calls than usual, he knows something is up. And so, he pulls all of them aside in the music room one day and tells them all; “One thing I won't tolerate is clients being stolen, got it? There will be no fucking anyone without my say so and I always get a cut, understood?”
They're all silent and he eyes all of them one by one, judging them by their facial expressions. Seohyun keeps her eyes on the ground, Yoona twirls her hair around her finger, Taeyeon continues to pop her gum, and Jessica stares flatly. Hyoyeon is standing beside Jongin with her arms crossed and says, “You can go now.”
As they're all leaving, Jongin lets his shoulders slump forward and exhales a long breath. He feels bad in a way, mostly because he's never been that stern until now, but at least he managed to get some of his pent up frustration out. How this went from fun to stressful in a matter of days, Jongin doesn't know, but he's been on edge for the past few days.
Baekhyun is disappointed each time he knows that Jongin is fucking someone else, and Jongin feels weighed down with guilt at this point, like he's a balloon that just keeps filling up with it until he's ready to explode. The only good thing coming out of this anymore is the wad of money he has stuffed under his mattress.
“You, my lovely Jongin, needs a vacation. Badly.” She pulls out a folded up piece of paper and hands it over to him.
“What's this?”
“Directions to a cabin Chanyeol has up near Hongdae. I think we should have a little get together,” she says, eyes narrowing as she grins. Jongin doesn't like when she comes up with ideas, but maybe a little vacation with Baekhyun fucking into him and leaving bruises might be just what he needs. It sure sounds like the perfect stress reliever.
-
Jongdae is thrusting up into his mouth, gripping at the leather of the small couch, and Jongin is hollowing his cheeks as much as he can.
Chanyeol's cabin is a nice getaway, although it's supplied with alcohol, drugs, and sex, but Jongin is too occupied making rounds of blowing everyone to think about anything else.
“Shit, yeah, just like that,” Jongdae moans out, hands sliding down to pinch at his own nipples. Jongin's cock stirs in his pants and he doesn't really have time to react because Jongdae is shooting down his throat the next second, cock throbbing in his mouth, and Jongin swallows.
He feels dirty when he pulls his mouth away and wipes his mouth off, dirty in a way that he imagines a whore does when she has no other choice than to sell her body for money, but Jongdae reaches down and gives him a praising pat to the cheek and Jongin smiles back at him.
It's weird how the pent up guilt is suddenly hitting him all at once. It started out as a rush, enjoyable, and something Jongin thrived on, but now he feels disgusted with himself. It's fucked up that he's doing this, he realizes. In a cabin full of drugs and older men with High School students all for a fucking orgy or something.
Baekhyun is here at least, and he's been brightly smiling the whole night - which could be from smoking, but still, his smile is comforting to see. Except, when there's someone clearing their throat at the door, Jongin turns to find Baekhyun frowning and shaking his head as he walks away from seeing him bent over Jongdae's softening cock.
He follows after him though, making a grab for his hand, “Hey.”
“Aren't you a little busy?” he bites, eyes penetrating Jongin's almost angrily.
“No, not when it concerns you.”
Baekhyun looks down at the blunt in his hand and brings it up to take a drag. Jongin watches, almost fascinated at how fucking good Baekhyun's lips look when they wrap around it, and he promptly gulps when Baekhyun pulls him in to kiss him, hot and open-mouthed, passing his high around. He'd expected Baekhyun to reply with a snappy remark, but this is way better, especially after Jongin begins to feel lightheaded and warm all over.
“No more fucking with them, okay? I wanna be the only one fucking you,” he whispers, mouthing from Jongin's lips and up to his earlobe. A shiver shoots down his spine, intensifying as Baekhyun back him up into the bathroom right across from the room he'd just sucked Jongdae off in.
A hand rakes down his chest, the pads of Baekhyun's thumbs rubbing over each of his nipples as he pushes him against the sink, eyeing him with complete adoration and bloodshot, glassy eyes. Jongin hops up so he's nestled on the counter, his legs wrapping around Baekhyun to pull him closer so that their pelvis's are touching. His dick is already stirring again, and he moans against his mouth when he pinches his nipples, causing Jongin to arch forward.
Baekhyun takes another hit and kisses him again. Jongin giggles loudly this time and cups Baekhyun's face, legs pulling tighter around him, and he feels Baekhyun hardening against his thigh. He reaches down to cup him, loving the way he feels him tense under his touch because the rush is back, mixed with a euphoric high on both parties, and Baekhyun pushes his hips harder against Jongin's palm and groans.
“You don't get all touchy with them like you do me, do you?” He asks, husky-toned as he lifts Jongin's head up. He laughs and shakes his head.
“Good,” he butts the blunt against the sink and slinks his arms around Jongin's waist. His hands travel under Jongin's shirt, touching all along his spine and dipping in the back of his pants to grab a handful of his ass hard enough that Jongin snorts and yelps loudly, which turns into a full on moan the longer Baekhyun kneads at it. His dick is achingly hard by the time Baekhyun finishes groping him, and by the feel of it, so his Baekhyun.
“Fuck me,” he breathes.
“Stand up and turn around.”
Like a good boy, he does as he's told, hopping to his feet, dropping his pants, and turning around. Baekhyun slaps his palms flat against one of his cheeks, the sting lingering for a moment to make Jongin hiss, and then proceeds to bend him over.
He kisses up between Jongin's shoulder blades, keeping one hand against his ass while he trails the other to Jongin's mouth and commands, “Suck.”
He wraps his lips around Baekhyun's knuckles, tongue laving around them until they're coated thoroughly in saliva so there's a string of it connecting his digits to Jongin's lips when he pulls them out. He brings them down to Jongin's ass and circles his hole slowly, making sure to keep Jongin distracted by nipping and sucking at his shoulder. Fire licks at his insides and the high is still going strong, making everything 10x's more pleasurable, and he wails the moment a finger finally slips inside.
He gets stretched out in a haste and moans each time fingers curl inside of him and presses right against his prostate. The only way to describe Baekhyun's fingers is sinful, absolutely fucking deliciously sinful.
“Baekhyun, just fuck me please.”
He breathes out a puff of laughter against Jongin's shoulder and agrees, getting rid of his pants in seconds. He slips his cock between Jongin's plush cheeks, slicking his hole up with what precome was collecting at the head of his dick, before he eases in, keeping Jongin calm by gently stroking at his waist.
“Okay?”
Jongin nods and begs him to fuck him, and so Baekhyun does.
He fucks into him at such a good angle that Jongin nearly curls in on himself within the first few minutes, already panting out curses and pleas, and Baekhyun keeps telling him how good he feels clenching around him, how amazing his ass feels in his palms, and Jongin comes undone so easily that he knows he won't be lasting much longer. His cock is rubbing against the sink and precome is practically dripping like a leaky faucet, flushed an angry purple-red, and Jongin sobs at the sensitivity of it all. He's never felt so needy in his life.
Each drag of Baekhyun's dick against his walls and each time the head of his dick presses into his prostate has him rushing toward the edge so fast that he doesn't have time to warn Baekhyun before he's tensing and spurting thick come all over the sink, body slicked in sweat and muscles relaxing completely so that he slumps while he catches his breath.
When Baekhyun pulls out, he still hasn't finished, so Jongin sinks to his knees and goes to sucking, using his tongue to flick under the crown and pumping the rest of his length in his hand to bring Baekhyun to completion. His dick throbs in Jongin's hand and he comes with his name on his lips in a groan, sticky white landing on Jongin's chest and a little on his lips.
He licks his lips clean and Baekhyun wipes his chest with toilet paper, both of them giggling idiotically. Jongin kisses him in the middle of giggling and it's almost like he's kissing pure joy, but that's probably just the weed making him think of cheesy shit.
“Hey, wanna try something with me?”
“Of course.”
Reaching into his pants pocket, Baekhyun fishes out a bottle of pills, and grabs one, placing it in his own mouth and then grabbing another to place in Jongin's. “Trust me, okay?” And Jongin does.
It makes it even better when Baekhyun kisses him before he swallows the pill down, tongues flicking against each other, and that's the only thing that keeps Jongin from freaking out because has no idea what the fuck he just agreed to try. But, it doesn't even take a few more minutes for them both to be fully hard again.
(This is the breaking point.)
-
It takes another week for Seohyun to break down.
Everything ever since that night - full of bad trips and sex that was practically forced upon most of the other girls - nothing has seemed to go right. Seohyun is an emotional mess, sputtering that Chanyeol had forced himself on her while she was having a really, really bad trip on whatever it was that he gave her, and Jongin, while trying not avoid the knot forming in his gut, has to quiet her down because of course she decides to do it right in the middle of the school hallway. He glances around, rubbing his hands up and down his arms to try and keep himself calm. It's not like anyone can hear with all the shoes squeaking against the floors anyway.
“I can't fucking do this anymore! It's so fucked up and I do this disgusting, horrible shit with strangers and, and -“ she's hysterical already, hands shaking and face scrunched up as she cries.
Jongin grabs her hands gently and shushes her, “Listen, you don't have to, okay? You want out? Okay, you're out, just calm down and be quiet please.”
She sobs, shakily breathing in before she rips her hands from Jongin's grip and rushes off to the bathroom. His stomach churns and tears prick at his eyes because is this really what he's caused? Causing so much emotional damage to his friends because he got caught up in this stupid idea that this wouldn't blow up in his face?
“What's wrong?” Hyoyeon asks when she reaches him.
“Nothing, I've gotta go.”
“Jongin -“
He shakes his head and heads off to lunch.
A few days later, Sehun is jumped, and he shows up to school sporting a busted lip and a black eye and Jongin feels even worse, heart sinking to his chest and his blood running cold. Hyoyeon seems almost too calm when she sits down at their regular lunch table and he marches up to her, fuming.
“What did you do?” He demands, slamming his hand against the table. She doesn't even flinch. Instead, she grins.
“You have to keep Seohyun doing this, okay? I'm done here in June, I'll be gone. You need someone to back you up. Remember, this is your game Jongin, we're all just here to play.” He shakes his head, tears threatening to spill over his eyes as he smacks her soda to the ground, not caring at all when everyone stares at him.
He doesn't get how she can say that. How can she say that when Seohyun is clearly suffering from all of this? Is she honestly so caught up in thinking that continuing this is a good idea?
“I can't keep doing this,” he says.
“Don't ruin this Jongin, we've worked too damn hard.”
“Hyoyeon, this is causing a lot of shit to a lot of people and do you know who's to blame? I am. I shouldn't have let it get to this point.”
“But you'll get to keep Baekhyun if you continue this,” she counters.
Jongin drops his argument and walks away instead.
-
“What do you mean you can't do it? You've had this waiting for weeks Taeyeon.”
“Listen, my dad is chewing my ass for my grades right now and if I can't pass my upcoming exams, I can't do to Jeju Island this summer.”
Jongin's room is a wreck, much like his life at the moment. Clothes are strewn everywhere and his textbooks are scattered along his bed and even on the floor and he's just majorly stressed, especially with the upcoming appointments and Taeyeon calling to pull out so he's sure he'll be hearing all kinds of complaints later.
“I just can't do it, okay? I'm sorry.” And then she hangs up.
Jongin tosses his phone on his bed in frustration and stalks off to the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face as if it would cool down his stress. He can feel everything coming to a boiling point where it'll all just boil over and cause the fire simmering below to get bigger and spread and he's reaching the end of his ropes.
He no longer recognizes himself when he looks in the mirror. He feels like he's morphed into nothing but an empty shell because everything that's happening is draining him.
His business is going down the drain, Hyoyeon is leaving him soon, and he hasn't had time to study for his exams because he's been too busy indulging in making appointments and filling in for Taeyeon every time she calls and cancels. None of it is enjoyable anymore, but he's still letting it eat him up.
Even being with Baekhyun later does nothing to calm him down.
They're at the train yard again and Baekhyun keeps babbling on about how him and Ji-eun are walking on edge of considering divorce and Jongin begins shaking his head, “What are you saying?”
He scratches the back of his head and leans against the wall, “I'm saying be with me.”
Jongin's throat feels like it might close up and he glances out of one of the dust-caked window and frantically shakes his head no. “No, we can't. This, what we have, is just something we'll look back on in a few years and be nostalgic about. What did you think would happen? That we'd just say fuck this place and runaway or something?”
He walks toward him, pulling him up and pressing a chaste kiss to his dry lips, “I didn't know what would happen, all I knew was that I wanted you. I don't want just the little small pieces, I want everything. Me and Ji-eun, we're just not...it's not love anymore. I haven't been able to tell her 'I love you' without second guessing it afterwards for a few years now. I don't want the money to be between us anymore. I don't want to pay for your love.”
Tears drop onto Jongin's cheeks and his heart feels like it is screaming. He wants Baekhyun so much and knowing that Baekhyun wants him just as much is all he's wanted to hear for a while now, but the guilt that's been lingering and building up is suffocating him and he cannot allow himself to be the thing that ends a marriage. That would kill him knowing he would be tearing a family apart.
“Baekhyun, no.” God, he wants to scream. He's positive he's never wanted anything more than Baekhyun and here he is telling him no, forcing himself to.
He watches Baekhyun's eyes flood with sadness and he has to look away because seeing that makes his chest tighten so hard that he fights to suck in a breath. “Fine,” Baekhyun grits out, pulling money from his pocket and waving it around, “if this is all that's holding us together, fuck it.”
Jongin doesn't exhale until he's sure he can hold it together long enough not to break in front of Baekhyun.
Something inside of Jongin snaps when he's back at home that night and he sits up in bed, hugging his knees to his chest and crying until his eyes couldn't produce anymore tears. He cried to the point of sobbing without anything coming out and by the end of the night he hated himself and everything that he'd caused.
-
It all goes unresolved.
It turns out that Taeyeon was fucking people and taking business behind Jongin's back the entire time, and the guy he and Hyoyeon caught her fucking happened to be Jongin's dad. The image of his dad with his pants around his ankles and his eyes dead and careless when he looked at Jongin, like being caught didn't phase him at all, will be forever burned into the back of Jongin's mind. His parents divorced shortly after, and he's never seen his mom look happier.
It took Jongin months and months to get himself out of the never-ending pit of dread and guilt and self-loathing and to this day he still looks in the mirror and gets disgusted sometimes. But, through all of this, he's learned that everyone really does lead a secret life, even if it's only in their head. There are two sides to every personality and everyone tends to get caught between the lines at some point in their lives and then, when they've sat down and cried it out, they get up and dig themselves out until they're back to the human they were before they'd gotten lost.
The last time he'd seen Baekhyun was that night in the train yard.
It still hurts to admit, but he misses him. He misses everything about him. The smiles and the jokes and the way Jongin always felt warm and giddy when he was around.
Perhaps they'd meet again when they're older because Jongin will be ready to let Baekhyun love him then, and maybe by that time Baekhyun will already been divorced. But for now, he'll just continue bettering himself and smoothing out the rough patches in his life.
part one
It takes about another week for Jongin to realize that this - sleeping and sneaking around with Baekhyun - is developing into a full blown, legitimate crush. It makes him dizzy sometimes when he thinks about it, almost in a sick way because this is purely ignorant bliss.
Nothing more; nothing less. It will never amount to anything apart from great sex and leg trembling orgasms and the stolen kisses behind Ji-eun's back (because Baekhyun is careless and treats it as a game when she's around, and apparently if they get caught, then oh well, as Baekhyun had put it).
It's a rush, really. The fact that if she'd just turn around a little quicker and see Baekyun pushing his tongue between Jongin's lips with his hand palming at Jongin's dick makes his heart beat impossibly fast, both with fear and a twinge of hope that she would catch them because then he wouldn't have to feel so guilty when he sucks Baekhyun off later on.
But, she never catches them, and Jongin always sucks Baekhyun off anyway, so it doesn't really change anything.
He convinces himself he's okay with it because, hey, he's constantly sexually satisfied and his pockets are always full now. He can deal with this until he leaves for College, he thinks.
It's just how this is going to work.
“Chanyeol - the fucking idiot - wants to know if you have any friends that are, um, willing to babysit. He said he'll pay whatever.” Baekhyun tells him when he calls him on a Thursday and Jongin resists rolling his eyes at how desperate he'd made his friend sound. He takes a peek around the corner at his parents, both plucking dully at their plates, and both looking thoroughly dissatisfied.
Naturally, Hyoyeon pops into his mind. She's a natural spitfire, always willing and down for anything with overflowing confidence, and before he knows it he's telling Baekhyun, “I know just the person.”
And Jongin knew she'd be just the person for it.
He's sitting outside of Baskin Robbins with Seohyun when Baekhyun's friend - Chanyeol, he'd come to find out - drops Hyoyeon off and she motions her head for Jongin to follow her inside. He cuts Seohyun short of finishing her babbling about, “you think he likes me too, right?” and rushes in after her, curiosity itching under his skin.
She looks flushed, her hair is a mess, and she's biting away at what little bit of her nail remains (because she's always had a bad habit of biting them off).
“How was it?”
“Wild. Fucking wild. Oh god, he was so....oh wow,” she giggles, tucking her hair behind her ears.
Jongin has to laugh because her eyes are wide like an amazed child or something, though he knows it's only the fact that she's having a momentary, fleeting love for Chanyeol's dick - and Jongin doesn't blame her because her lips are still a little swollen, so he assumes it was good.
“I need a shake,” she says suddenly, nodding as she makes a move to get up.
He makes a tentative grab for her hand and mutters, “Um, Hyo?”
“What is it?”
She sits back down and Jongin almost regrets it, but he might as well say it now while he has the guts to. He fiddles with his fingers and hums while he tries to figure out a way to put what he's about to ask.
“I was just thinking that, since I set it up and all, that maybe, you know if it's cool with you, that I could get like twenty percent?”
The idea had bloomed in his head shortly after his phone call with Baekhyun ended. He supposes it does sound a little bit greedy, but he thinks that it is only fair; like a boss and employee relationship in a way. If he could keep Hyoyeon doing this with him, who knows how much money they'd both have by the end of the week? Sex and money; two things that sound mighty fucking good to Jongin.
She nods, sliding thirty-three thousand won across the table to Jongin and says, “Great doing business with you. Thanks Jonginnie.” And then she pecks him right on the lips before she bounces away to order a milkshake.
He shoves the money in his pocket and decides, yeah, this is gonna blow up in his face he's sure, but he'll enjoy what he can for now.
-
Jongin is not a party person.
Parties make him feel awkward and introverted more than he usually is, but he lets Hyoyeon drag him to one anyway. She's always been the life of everything, and bouncing through everyone and right to the alcohol is no problem for her, and she drags Jongin along by his wrist.
“Drink up, my dear Jongin,” she thrusts a red cup into his hand.
He isn't much of a drinker, but he welcomes the slightly bitter tasting liquid anyway and touches his cup to hers when she says, “Cheers?”
“What are we cheering to?”
“You, of course!”
He shakes his head and swirls the piss-colored liquid around before taking another drink. Seohyun stumbles over to them through the crowd, giggling and bouncing along (horribly and awkwardly) to the music. Jongin snorts and Hyoyeon laughs.
“Isn't this awesome?!”
“Yeah, have fun cleaning up the vomit and trying to get the smell of weed out before your parents get home,” Hyoyeon tells her flatly, looking around and making a face.
“Huh?”
“It's awesome!!!!” She chirps, voice dipping with saccharine-sarcasm. Seohyun shrieks with happiness, and Jongin wonders if she's high already or if she's just too dumb to realize that Hyoyeon is joking.
“Oh! Jongin, follow me!” She exclaims and grabs his hand, the sudden outburst surprising Jongin that he nearly chokes on his drink when he goes to swallow it. “You gotta talk to Sehun!”
Sehun is her step-brother, and Seohyun has been trying to set them up for ages. It's really no secret that Sehun likes Jongin, and Jongin is flattered really because Sehun is attractive and all, but it's so awkward to be around him. He's inarticulate and fidgety around Jongin, stumbling over his words and his eyes darting around nervously, which would probably be endearing to Jongin in another lifetime where Baekhyun didn't exist.
“Hi!” Seohyun practically screams and Jongin stares at her oddly.
Sehun glances up, glances back down, and then nods while squeaking out a quiet, “Hi Jongin.”
“Hi,” he waves and forces a smile. There's already a shift in the atmosphere and Jongin regrets allowing Seohyun pull him along. It's awkward already.
“So, I've got a hookup for some weed. You guys wanna come smoke with us?” Zitao - Sehun's Chinese friend who transferred Sophomore year - asks.
“I'm not really -“
“Yes!”
Jongin smiles quickly and lets it drop just as quick when he turns back to return to Hyoyeon, who's already bumping and swaying with a few people in the middle of the 'dance floor' (read: livingroom). Dancing is also another thing Jongin is good at, but not when it involves a not-so-big house full of intoxicated teenagers who can't find their balance; so, he sits on the stairs instead.
Right as his butt makes contact with solid surface, his phone begins buzzing in his pocket. The number is unrecognizable, leaving him iffy about answering it. He answers carefully, “Hello?”
“Is this Jongin?”
He gulps and says, “Yes...who is this?”
“Oh, uh one of Chanyeol's friends. Listen, I was wondering if you had anyone free to babysit for Thursday?” He asks. As weird as it sounds, Jongin doesn't think his voice fits someone who's wanting to pay a teenage girl (or maybe even Jongin) for sex. He sounds like a mature, business man with a modulated deep voice that drips honey with every word.
“Um, yes. What's your name?”
“Jongdae.”
“What time?”
“Six o'clock?”
“Alright.”
And then he clicks off and Jongin worries his bottom lip between his teeth. He'd already gotten one call earlier from another one of Chanyeol's damn friends, requesting the same day and Jongin is beginning to worry that if Chanyeol can't keep his big mouth shut this will spread around too much, and if it does he will definitely end up getting caught.
“Hey, you okay?”
He looks up at Hyoyeon, who's handing him a new red cup, and shakes his head. “Two of Chanyeol's friends have called today.”
“Hey, we're getting more business! That's great.”
Jongin snorts as she plops down next to him, “That is not great. If he can't shut up and word gets out and spreads, we're fucked - and definitely not in the good way. We could go to jail!”
“Calm down worrywart, we're not gonna go to jail, okay? The most they'd give is probably a few hours of community service and then we're off clean.”
He bites at his fingernails, “All men who have wives and kids and we're just fucking -“
“Wives and kids who are more concerned with their own daily lives rather than who their dad's and husbands are fucking on the side. I mean think about it; their wives will forever have themselves convinced that they live the picture perfect life - that their daughters don't think about dicks on a daily basis, their husbands don't get hard for anyone but them, and that their sons aren't rolling blunts when everyone goes to bed because that would all kill them to believe otherwise. They make it so fucking easy for us Jongin.”
He exhales and gets his head together because, as harsh as she made it out to be, she's right. “They both want Thursday.”
“I've got Chanyeol on Thursday.”
“I know.”
“Could you take one of them?”
Oddly, that seems to strike Jongin in the gut. He's never fucked anyone but Baekhyun and the idea of it doesn't really sit too well with him. He's used to Baekhyun and he's never been a big fan of change, and yet he nods anyway and says, “Yeah, but I'm not sure how happy he'll be to see a boy show up.”
Hyoyeon narrows her eyes at him, “You're hot! Anyone - guy or girl - would be happy to fuck you, especially with a pretty round ass like that. Trust me, if these guys are wanting some because their married life is lacking in the sex department, they won't really care which hole they put it in.”
He pushes her shoulder with his and laughs, “Thanks for the pep talk. That still leaves one of them alone though.”
She waves her hand, “Get someone else to sit then.”
“You mean drag someone else into our little thing, right?”
“Exactly, and I bet she'd be very happy to help us out,” she gestures over.
Jongin turns his head to where her eyes have landed, which are on a very dazed and lonely looking Seohyun who's bouncing along to the music mindlessly.
“That's the best joke you've come up with all night,” except Hyoyeon raises her brow and Jongin's smile drops. “No, there's no way I'm making her do that.”
“I didn't say she had to, but let her make her own choice.”
Listening to Hyoyeon has never ended up being a good thing for him, but he continues to listen to her anyway.
The highlight of the night, after Sehun had awkwardly tried to kiss him, is coming home to find Baekhyun, clad in a t-shirt and sweatpants, all sprawled out on his bed. He doesn't seem to care that Jongin's parents are right downstairs and Jongin doesn't either when Baekhyun pushes their mouths together, tongue flicking against his and making a quick grab for Jongin's hair.
“I figured I'd bless you with a surprise visit,” he says cheekily, grinning.
Jongin slaps his chest gently, “Bless me, huh?”
“For all I know you could've been having withdrawals,” and then he kisses him again, full on the mouth with a hand cupping under Jongin's jaw and the soothing touch of his thumb moving against the apple of his cheek.
There's a rush, but it's different from the other times. It's warm and inviting rather than fast and out of control and it floods his chest as if there was a fizzy soda shaken and set off inside of him.
-
By the end of the month, Jongin has himself a nice little business going. He's got five girls on his little 'roster' and the money keeps pouring in week by week. He can tell there's a gradual change in how he acts, how he's switching from being introverted and passive to being more extroverted and demanding. He sets everything up, therefore he gets a cut of what each girl makes, and it's all smooth sailing from there.
Or it was.
He's in the middle of blowing Joonmyun - one of Jongdae's friends - and his cock feels thick and heavy on his tongue, a little different from how Baekhyun feels when he's got a mouthful of him, but Jongin likes the weight against his tongue. There are fingers buried in his hair and they tug much harder than Baekhyun does, but Jongin doesn't mind that either.
This is his second time fucking someone that isn't Baekhyun, and the dreaded sense of feeling like he's cheating is finally starting to disappear with each thrust of Joonmyun's hips into his mouth. He does his best not to gag and presses his tongue flat against the underside of his dick and he bobs up.
“Your mouth is fucking amazing,” the older moans appreciatively.
He hums around his dick in response, causing Joonmyun's hips to jerk up faster, hitting the back of his throat enough to make him gag. Pulling off with a lewd pop, he grips the base and begins pumping up and down, thumbing around the crown of his cock and at the slit where precome bubbles up.
And right in the nick of time, his phone begins ringing, much to Joonmyun's displeasure as he grunts out when Jongin pauses his movements to answer.
“Hello?” he answers hoarsely.
“Jongin?”
Baekhyun.
“Listen, I'm gonna have to call you back. I'm babysitting right now.”
“For someone else?”
Joonmyun groans again, annoyed. Jongin sighs.
“I'll call you back,” and then he hangs up.
The way Baekhyun asked, how his tone sounded, for some reason didn't settle right with Jongin, and he ends up thinking about him the rest of the time that he jacks Joonmyun to completion, white seeping through his knuckles and Joonmyun panting heavily with a sated smile.
“So, how many times have you babysat for other people?” Baekhyun asks later that night. He doesn't sound like he really wants to know though.
Jongin lays back on his pillow and tucks a hand behind his head, “Twice...”
The phone jars from the other end and Baekhyun clears his throat. Jongin's heart is beating a little too quick and he feels guilt gnawing away at him. Really, him and Baekhyun aren't a thing; they just fuck. In a way, Jongin feels more like he's betraying himself and how he feels about Baekhyun.
“So this is a thing now, isn't it? Fucking men and getting money?”
Swallowing over the lump forming in his throat, he replies, “Yeah, yeah it is. It's good money and it's not like we're exclusive or something.”
“That's not the point.”
“Please tell me what is the point then,” Jongin presses.
“Fuck, just be safe, okay? This is some dangerous shit you're getting into Jongin.”
He laughs bitterly, “Having a moral crisis? But don't worry, I'll be just fine. When are we gonna meet up again?”
“Whenever. But, Ji-eun is starting to get suspicious of me. The 'working late' excuse isn't working anymore.” He should sound concerned, but he doesn't. Instead he sounds nonchalant, like he could care less.
Jongin ends the call then.
-
All good things come to an end, so when Hyoyeon brings it to Jongin's attention that they've been getting less calls than usual, he knows something is up. And so, he pulls all of them aside in the music room one day and tells them all; “One thing I won't tolerate is clients being stolen, got it? There will be no fucking anyone without my say so and I always get a cut, understood?”
They're all silent and he eyes all of them one by one, judging them by their facial expressions. Seohyun keeps her eyes on the ground, Yoona twirls her hair around her finger, Taeyeon continues to pop her gum, and Jessica stares flatly. Hyoyeon is standing beside Jongin with her arms crossed and says, “You can go now.”
As they're all leaving, Jongin lets his shoulders slump forward and exhales a long breath. He feels bad in a way, mostly because he's never been that stern until now, but at least he managed to get some of his pent up frustration out. How this went from fun to stressful in a matter of days, Jongin doesn't know, but he's been on edge for the past few days.
Baekhyun is disappointed each time he knows that Jongin is fucking someone else, and Jongin feels weighed down with guilt at this point, like he's a balloon that just keeps filling up with it until he's ready to explode. The only good thing coming out of this anymore is the wad of money he has stuffed under his mattress.
“You, my lovely Jongin, needs a vacation. Badly.” She pulls out a folded up piece of paper and hands it over to him.
“What's this?”
“Directions to a cabin Chanyeol has up near Hongdae. I think we should have a little get together,” she says, eyes narrowing as she grins. Jongin doesn't like when she comes up with ideas, but maybe a little vacation with Baekhyun fucking into him and leaving bruises might be just what he needs. It sure sounds like the perfect stress reliever.
-
Jongdae is thrusting up into his mouth, gripping at the leather of the small couch, and Jongin is hollowing his cheeks as much as he can.
Chanyeol's cabin is a nice getaway, although it's supplied with alcohol, drugs, and sex, but Jongin is too occupied making rounds of blowing everyone to think about anything else.
“Shit, yeah, just like that,” Jongdae moans out, hands sliding down to pinch at his own nipples. Jongin's cock stirs in his pants and he doesn't really have time to react because Jongdae is shooting down his throat the next second, cock throbbing in his mouth, and Jongin swallows.
He feels dirty when he pulls his mouth away and wipes his mouth off, dirty in a way that he imagines a whore does when she has no other choice than to sell her body for money, but Jongdae reaches down and gives him a praising pat to the cheek and Jongin smiles back at him.
It's weird how the pent up guilt is suddenly hitting him all at once. It started out as a rush, enjoyable, and something Jongin thrived on, but now he feels disgusted with himself. It's fucked up that he's doing this, he realizes. In a cabin full of drugs and older men with High School students all for a fucking orgy or something.
Baekhyun is here at least, and he's been brightly smiling the whole night - which could be from smoking, but still, his smile is comforting to see. Except, when there's someone clearing their throat at the door, Jongin turns to find Baekhyun frowning and shaking his head as he walks away from seeing him bent over Jongdae's softening cock.
He follows after him though, making a grab for his hand, “Hey.”
“Aren't you a little busy?” he bites, eyes penetrating Jongin's almost angrily.
“No, not when it concerns you.”
Baekhyun looks down at the blunt in his hand and brings it up to take a drag. Jongin watches, almost fascinated at how fucking good Baekhyun's lips look when they wrap around it, and he promptly gulps when Baekhyun pulls him in to kiss him, hot and open-mouthed, passing his high around. He'd expected Baekhyun to reply with a snappy remark, but this is way better, especially after Jongin begins to feel lightheaded and warm all over.
“No more fucking with them, okay? I wanna be the only one fucking you,” he whispers, mouthing from Jongin's lips and up to his earlobe. A shiver shoots down his spine, intensifying as Baekhyun back him up into the bathroom right across from the room he'd just sucked Jongdae off in.
A hand rakes down his chest, the pads of Baekhyun's thumbs rubbing over each of his nipples as he pushes him against the sink, eyeing him with complete adoration and bloodshot, glassy eyes. Jongin hops up so he's nestled on the counter, his legs wrapping around Baekhyun to pull him closer so that their pelvis's are touching. His dick is already stirring again, and he moans against his mouth when he pinches his nipples, causing Jongin to arch forward.
Baekhyun takes another hit and kisses him again. Jongin giggles loudly this time and cups Baekhyun's face, legs pulling tighter around him, and he feels Baekhyun hardening against his thigh. He reaches down to cup him, loving the way he feels him tense under his touch because the rush is back, mixed with a euphoric high on both parties, and Baekhyun pushes his hips harder against Jongin's palm and groans.
“You don't get all touchy with them like you do me, do you?” He asks, husky-toned as he lifts Jongin's head up. He laughs and shakes his head.
“Good,” he butts the blunt against the sink and slinks his arms around Jongin's waist. His hands travel under Jongin's shirt, touching all along his spine and dipping in the back of his pants to grab a handful of his ass hard enough that Jongin snorts and yelps loudly, which turns into a full on moan the longer Baekhyun kneads at it. His dick is achingly hard by the time Baekhyun finishes groping him, and by the feel of it, so his Baekhyun.
“Fuck me,” he breathes.
“Stand up and turn around.”
Like a good boy, he does as he's told, hopping to his feet, dropping his pants, and turning around. Baekhyun slaps his palms flat against one of his cheeks, the sting lingering for a moment to make Jongin hiss, and then proceeds to bend him over.
He kisses up between Jongin's shoulder blades, keeping one hand against his ass while he trails the other to Jongin's mouth and commands, “Suck.”
He wraps his lips around Baekhyun's knuckles, tongue laving around them until they're coated thoroughly in saliva so there's a string of it connecting his digits to Jongin's lips when he pulls them out. He brings them down to Jongin's ass and circles his hole slowly, making sure to keep Jongin distracted by nipping and sucking at his shoulder. Fire licks at his insides and the high is still going strong, making everything 10x's more pleasurable, and he wails the moment a finger finally slips inside.
He gets stretched out in a haste and moans each time fingers curl inside of him and presses right against his prostate. The only way to describe Baekhyun's fingers is sinful, absolutely fucking deliciously sinful.
“Baekhyun, just fuck me please.”
He breathes out a puff of laughter against Jongin's shoulder and agrees, getting rid of his pants in seconds. He slips his cock between Jongin's plush cheeks, slicking his hole up with what precome was collecting at the head of his dick, before he eases in, keeping Jongin calm by gently stroking at his waist.
“Okay?”
Jongin nods and begs him to fuck him, and so Baekhyun does.
He fucks into him at such a good angle that Jongin nearly curls in on himself within the first few minutes, already panting out curses and pleas, and Baekhyun keeps telling him how good he feels clenching around him, how amazing his ass feels in his palms, and Jongin comes undone so easily that he knows he won't be lasting much longer. His cock is rubbing against the sink and precome is practically dripping like a leaky faucet, flushed an angry purple-red, and Jongin sobs at the sensitivity of it all. He's never felt so needy in his life.
Each drag of Baekhyun's dick against his walls and each time the head of his dick presses into his prostate has him rushing toward the edge so fast that he doesn't have time to warn Baekhyun before he's tensing and spurting thick come all over the sink, body slicked in sweat and muscles relaxing completely so that he slumps while he catches his breath.
When Baekhyun pulls out, he still hasn't finished, so Jongin sinks to his knees and goes to sucking, using his tongue to flick under the crown and pumping the rest of his length in his hand to bring Baekhyun to completion. His dick throbs in Jongin's hand and he comes with his name on his lips in a groan, sticky white landing on Jongin's chest and a little on his lips.
He licks his lips clean and Baekhyun wipes his chest with toilet paper, both of them giggling idiotically. Jongin kisses him in the middle of giggling and it's almost like he's kissing pure joy, but that's probably just the weed making him think of cheesy shit.
“Hey, wanna try something with me?”
“Of course.”
Reaching into his pants pocket, Baekhyun fishes out a bottle of pills, and grabs one, placing it in his own mouth and then grabbing another to place in Jongin's. “Trust me, okay?” And Jongin does.
It makes it even better when Baekhyun kisses him before he swallows the pill down, tongues flicking against each other, and that's the only thing that keeps Jongin from freaking out because has no idea what the fuck he just agreed to try. But, it doesn't even take a few more minutes for them both to be fully hard again.
(This is the breaking point.)
-
It takes another week for Seohyun to break down.
Everything ever since that night - full of bad trips and sex that was practically forced upon most of the other girls - nothing has seemed to go right. Seohyun is an emotional mess, sputtering that Chanyeol had forced himself on her while she was having a really, really bad trip on whatever it was that he gave her, and Jongin, while trying not avoid the knot forming in his gut, has to quiet her down because of course she decides to do it right in the middle of the school hallway. He glances around, rubbing his hands up and down his arms to try and keep himself calm. It's not like anyone can hear with all the shoes squeaking against the floors anyway.
“I can't fucking do this anymore! It's so fucked up and I do this disgusting, horrible shit with strangers and, and -“ she's hysterical already, hands shaking and face scrunched up as she cries.
Jongin grabs her hands gently and shushes her, “Listen, you don't have to, okay? You want out? Okay, you're out, just calm down and be quiet please.”
She sobs, shakily breathing in before she rips her hands from Jongin's grip and rushes off to the bathroom. His stomach churns and tears prick at his eyes because is this really what he's caused? Causing so much emotional damage to his friends because he got caught up in this stupid idea that this wouldn't blow up in his face?
“What's wrong?” Hyoyeon asks when she reaches him.
“Nothing, I've gotta go.”
“Jongin -“
He shakes his head and heads off to lunch.
A few days later, Sehun is jumped, and he shows up to school sporting a busted lip and a black eye and Jongin feels even worse, heart sinking to his chest and his blood running cold. Hyoyeon seems almost too calm when she sits down at their regular lunch table and he marches up to her, fuming.
“What did you do?” He demands, slamming his hand against the table. She doesn't even flinch. Instead, she grins.
“You have to keep Seohyun doing this, okay? I'm done here in June, I'll be gone. You need someone to back you up. Remember, this is your game Jongin, we're all just here to play.” He shakes his head, tears threatening to spill over his eyes as he smacks her soda to the ground, not caring at all when everyone stares at him.
He doesn't get how she can say that. How can she say that when Seohyun is clearly suffering from all of this? Is she honestly so caught up in thinking that continuing this is a good idea?
“I can't keep doing this,” he says.
“Don't ruin this Jongin, we've worked too damn hard.”
“Hyoyeon, this is causing a lot of shit to a lot of people and do you know who's to blame? I am. I shouldn't have let it get to this point.”
“But you'll get to keep Baekhyun if you continue this,” she counters.
Jongin drops his argument and walks away instead.
-
“What do you mean you can't do it? You've had this waiting for weeks Taeyeon.”
“Listen, my dad is chewing my ass for my grades right now and if I can't pass my upcoming exams, I can't do to Jeju Island this summer.”
Jongin's room is a wreck, much like his life at the moment. Clothes are strewn everywhere and his textbooks are scattered along his bed and even on the floor and he's just majorly stressed, especially with the upcoming appointments and Taeyeon calling to pull out so he's sure he'll be hearing all kinds of complaints later.
“I just can't do it, okay? I'm sorry.” And then she hangs up.
Jongin tosses his phone on his bed in frustration and stalks off to the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face as if it would cool down his stress. He can feel everything coming to a boiling point where it'll all just boil over and cause the fire simmering below to get bigger and spread and he's reaching the end of his ropes.
He no longer recognizes himself when he looks in the mirror. He feels like he's morphed into nothing but an empty shell because everything that's happening is draining him.
His business is going down the drain, Hyoyeon is leaving him soon, and he hasn't had time to study for his exams because he's been too busy indulging in making appointments and filling in for Taeyeon every time she calls and cancels. None of it is enjoyable anymore, but he's still letting it eat him up.
Even being with Baekhyun later does nothing to calm him down.
They're at the train yard again and Baekhyun keeps babbling on about how him and Ji-eun are walking on edge of considering divorce and Jongin begins shaking his head, “What are you saying?”
He scratches the back of his head and leans against the wall, “I'm saying be with me.”
Jongin's throat feels like it might close up and he glances out of one of the dust-caked window and frantically shakes his head no. “No, we can't. This, what we have, is just something we'll look back on in a few years and be nostalgic about. What did you think would happen? That we'd just say fuck this place and runaway or something?”
He walks toward him, pulling him up and pressing a chaste kiss to his dry lips, “I didn't know what would happen, all I knew was that I wanted you. I don't want just the little small pieces, I want everything. Me and Ji-eun, we're just not...it's not love anymore. I haven't been able to tell her 'I love you' without second guessing it afterwards for a few years now. I don't want the money to be between us anymore. I don't want to pay for your love.”
Tears drop onto Jongin's cheeks and his heart feels like it is screaming. He wants Baekhyun so much and knowing that Baekhyun wants him just as much is all he's wanted to hear for a while now, but the guilt that's been lingering and building up is suffocating him and he cannot allow himself to be the thing that ends a marriage. That would kill him knowing he would be tearing a family apart.
“Baekhyun, no.” God, he wants to scream. He's positive he's never wanted anything more than Baekhyun and here he is telling him no, forcing himself to.
He watches Baekhyun's eyes flood with sadness and he has to look away because seeing that makes his chest tighten so hard that he fights to suck in a breath. “Fine,” Baekhyun grits out, pulling money from his pocket and waving it around, “if this is all that's holding us together, fuck it.”
Jongin doesn't exhale until he's sure he can hold it together long enough not to break in front of Baekhyun.
Something inside of Jongin snaps when he's back at home that night and he sits up in bed, hugging his knees to his chest and crying until his eyes couldn't produce anymore tears. He cried to the point of sobbing without anything coming out and by the end of the night he hated himself and everything that he'd caused.
-
It all goes unresolved.
It turns out that Taeyeon was fucking people and taking business behind Jongin's back the entire time, and the guy he and Hyoyeon caught her fucking happened to be Jongin's dad. The image of his dad with his pants around his ankles and his eyes dead and careless when he looked at Jongin, like being caught didn't phase him at all, will be forever burned into the back of Jongin's mind. His parents divorced shortly after, and he's never seen his mom look happier.
It took Jongin months and months to get himself out of the never-ending pit of dread and guilt and self-loathing and to this day he still looks in the mirror and gets disgusted sometimes. But, through all of this, he's learned that everyone really does lead a secret life, even if it's only in their head. There are two sides to every personality and everyone tends to get caught between the lines at some point in their lives and then, when they've sat down and cried it out, they get up and dig themselves out until they're back to the human they were before they'd gotten lost.
The last time he'd seen Baekhyun was that night in the train yard.
It still hurts to admit, but he misses him. He misses everything about him. The smiles and the jokes and the way Jongin always felt warm and giddy when he was around.
Perhaps they'd meet again when they're older because Jongin will be ready to let Baekhyun love him then, and maybe by that time Baekhyun will already been divorced. But for now, he'll just continue bettering himself and smoothing out the rough patches in his life.