(for mayangel7) I Almost Had It
For: mayangel7
Title: I Almost Had It
Pairing: main!Jongin/Luhan, Jongin/everyone (one at a time)
Word Count: ~5,000 words
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: hinted character death
Summary: Jongin knew that forgetting your first love was difficult, but he never thought it would be this hard. Ten exes and ten years later, Jongin meets him again. Loosely inspired by JYJ's "In Heaven."
Author's Note: So I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted; it gave me a lot of trouble but really tried to deliver. I hope you like it! PS: Jongin, Yixing and Minseok's Dance 310 class is "Intermediate Contemporary Dance Technique 1" at my university, which apparently is a recommended class for freshman dance majors.
Jongin and Luhan had met in high school, just the sort of whirlwind fairytale romance so many dreamed of and so few experienced. They were high school sweethearts with all the trappings - it had been love at first sight for Jongin, who had fought long and hard for Luhan’s return of his affections.
Luhan had secretly been fond long before finally giving in, but he treated it as a sort of test, whether or not the darkly handsome boy in his honors lit class was desperate enough to really work for it.
Once they finally got together they had been the “it” couple everyone aspired to; mutually handsome, madly in love, at once innocent and passionate. They had been kings of the school, and by all evidence destined to last forever.
And then they broke up.
It was messy, a shouting match over nothing anyone could remember in front of the lockers at school that grew louder and angrier until they were sent home for the day, told to cool off then come to detention on Saturday at nine. No one ever knew what had happened in those three hours shut in the tiny room off the main office, only that the people that emerged had been bitter, angry shells of their former selves, separating as soon as possible as if they found it almost intolerable even to be near each other.
Following had been three months of tension you could cut with a spoon before Luhan hooked up with a new transfer student from the next town over. Jongin had been expelled the next day for putting the new boy in the hospital, and transferred to the school in the next district.
It had taken Jongin a long time - at least seven months - before he allowed himself to fall for someone again. He had truly loved Luhan, thought he was the one, and then it had fallen all to pieces in an instant over some non-reason that he still didn’t fully understand. He had been determined, really, never to love anyone again. But then he’d met Yixing.
Yixing was hot - in a strange, sleepy sort of way - courteous to a fault, and one of the best dancers Jongin had ever seen with a fluid, easy style that Jongin could only hope to match. He was also Chinese like Luhan, perhaps what had attracted Jongin to him in the first place, with the cutest lisp to his speech that complimented his odd mannerisms and slightly halting Korean.
They’d met through the dance club as Jongin’s new school, both stars of their class and so repeatedly put together for duets and demonstrations that it would have been almost ridiculous for them not to end up together.
In direct contrast to the whirlwind free-fall of Jongin’s first relationship, Jongin and Yixing’s relationship was a slow burn. They were well suited, with similar passions and largely easy-going natures. They took things slow, careful not to rush and risk messing things up.
But ultimately it seemed they were almost too similar, more like brothers than lovers. There was no real burning passion for each other to drive the relationship forward, and Jongin could hardly help but compare the relationship to his wildly romantic one with Luhan. After almost half a year, it ended much as it had begun - a slow fade to an eventual mutual split, no animosity lost between them and feelings and friendships saved.
Jongin was glad for the amicable split after the disastrous end of his previous relationship, for the maintenance of one of his few valuable friendships. Ultimately Yixing and Jongin were far more successful as normal friends than they had been as boyfriends, the similarity of their personalities working now where it had failed them before.
They worked so well that they had decided to room together at university, both dance majors whose close interests had offered them similar schedules. It was in their shared Dance 310 class that Jongin met Kim Minseok.
Minseok lacked some of the technical skill of Jongin, or even Yixing, but he had a passion Jongin hadn’t seen in far too long among the largely jaded members of the dancing community. He was older, around the age Luhan would be now, but maintained an air of utter innocence that endeared him to everyone he met.
Jongin was no different - drawn in by the open, sunny smile but staying for Minseok’s kind and gentle disposition and seemingly boundless happiness. He had fallen in love at first only a little, then all at once, completely and utterly smitten within seemingly no time at all. It had been impossible to keep it off his face - it hadn’t taken long for Minseok to notice his lingering gaze and sappy expression, and against all odds it had been the elder who asked Jongin out first. He had floundered, spent several minutes on stunned babbling before finally saying yes.
That had been nearly six months ago, and Jongin still felt as smitten as he had at first glance. This was his longest relationship since Luhan, the one he felt most secure in, perhaps because Minseok reminded him so of Luhan. He had the same deceptively youthful face and immediate air of innocence masking a wealth of wit and good humor. And while their relationship may not have been passionate, it was comfortable. A secure constant Jongin could always come back to.
At least he had thought so. There had been little signs - Minseok being too busy to eat with him where once they had eaten together every day, a lack of the tender touch their relationship had once been flush with - tiny pieces of distance that altogether should have told Jongin what was happening. He really out to have picked up on it sooner but he was so smitten, so infatuated he didn’t even want to see the signs right before his eyes.
Their breakup had been quick - one rejected hug too many and then Minseok was telling him to leave, to move on. That he’d found someone else closer to his own age and temperament, someone actually able to give him what he wanted without a constant shadow of the past hanging over them. It was quick, it was one-sided, but it wasn’t cruel and, after only a few days of heartbreak Jongin found himself moving past it surprisingly easily.
Likewise, Jongin fell remarkably easily into his next relationship with a boy named Baekhyun.
Baekhyun - while just as short as Minseok had been and very nearly as cheerful - possessed many traits that Minseok (and the rest of his previous boyfriends) had not: he was loud, obnoxious, messy, and sassy almost to the point of cruelty. Jongin loved it. Baekhyun was new, exciting, unlike anyone he’d ever known before, and an absolute bomb in the sack.
Baekhyun turned Jongin’s formerly vanilla sex life utterly on its head. While he preferred to bottom, as had Jongin’s exes, he was the first to truly teach Jongin the meaning of the term “power bottom,” and was the first to introduce Jongin to all sorts of things he’d never heard of.
All in all their relationship was fun, easy, and destined to fail. There had been no real warning, but then they had never really been in a relationship - it had been more of a matter of convenience, Jongin looking for excitement after his dry relationship with Minseok, Baekhyun simply looking for a good time. As quickly as it had come about, so it ended. Jongin wasn’t truly hurt, just shocked - one moment Baekhyun had been a near constant fixture in his life, then the next he was gone entirely, an obnoxious and messy hole in Jongin’s life, a hole quickly healed once he met Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo and Baekhyun could not have been more different. Where Baekhyun had been defined by an obnoxious demeanor and disastrous health hazard of an apartment, Kyungsoo was quiet, withdrawn, impeccably neat and surprisingly nurturing. Like Luhan, he was girlish, cute, delicate in appearance - and refused to take anyone’s shit.
This was, perhaps, Jongin’s favorite trait. Out of all the innumerable traits that endeared Kyungsoo to him - his shy smile, his large eyes, his cooking, his awkwardness, his fondness for mothering - the way he stood up for himself was the most prominent element. He found the fact that Kyungsoo was at once typically cute and strong-willed utterly adorable and, honestly, almost hot.
To the surprise of Jongin himself, and to Yixing when he told him, tiny Kyungsoo was the first of all his boyfriends ever to top him in bed. Jongin had been nervous, but Kyungsoo had been surprisingly wonderful about it. He hadn’t mocked the lack of diversity in Jongin’s experience, or his fear, and had gently talked him through the whole slow process before taking him once and for all.
And he had liked it, to his surprise. He had expected it to be painful, and it was, but Kyungsoo was so utterly careful with him that the pain had been minimal, fleeting, quickly replaced with only an exquisite pleasure of a sort that was utterly unfamiliar.
Perhaps it was because of this new experience, but Jongin felt wonderfully connected to Kyungsoo, the first man to make him feel adored and loved in an utterly new way. Nevertheless, this relationship too withered and died. The connection Jongin felt did not hold true for Kyungsoo, and the intimacy of their relationship gradually withered and vanished as well.
The breakup, when it came, was an utter surprise to Jongin, who had been too enamored of Kyungsoo to see anything coming. Kyungsoo’s announcement that he was leaving Jongin for Baekhyun was a crushing blow, and Jongin was almost as sad as he had been when Luhan left, immersing himself in a dark and smelly wallow of despair that his friends struggled for over a week to pull him from.
Zitao was a striking change from Jongin’s previous short, pretty boyfriends - Yixing somewhat aside. Zitao was only barely older than Jongin but tall, muscular, darkly intimidating. Also unlike Jongin’s previous loves, and utterly at odds with his own appearance, Zitao had the personality of a teenage girl; he was demanding and vain but also sweet, innocent, easily excited, and utterly enamored of his tiny dog Candy, who he was in the habit of dressing up and showing off.
Much as Zitao’s surprising and hidden sweetness and innocence drew Jongin in, their relationship was hardly destined for success; Jongin had been attracted by the duality of his personality and appearance, and of course by his exotically appealing appearance, but that was it. There was no spark between them, and ultimately Jongin dumped a heartbroken Zitao mere weeks into their relationship.
Sehun was the first successful blind date Jongin had ever been on. Yixing had set it up, promising Jongin someone great from one of those weird experimental dance classes he was taking now. Jongin had been expecting, at best, some sort of odd neo-Hippie of Yixing’s own sort, but instead he was greeted by someone more perfect than he ever could have expected.
Sehun was tall, even taller than Jongin, hot, and had a body to die for. He was younger than Jongin by only a few months, and it did show, but his lack of reverence for Jongin’s small advantage and his quick wit made up for any lingering immaturity. Jongin himself could hardly be argued to be mature, so they were a near perfect match. The interests were in line, as well, with long hours spent arguing the points of their favorite comics or TV shows or doing their best to one-up each other at video games.
Jongin had never jumped into bed with anyone as quite as quickly as with - the end of that first blind date saw them stumbling the door to Jongin’s apartment, Sehun pushing him against the door before diving for his mouth, sucking on Jongin’s thick lower lip before releasing it with a pop and dragging him in the direction he thought Jongin’s bedroom might be. It wasn’t - that was Yixing’s room instead - and Jongin pulled Sehun by the wrist in the other direction.
As soon as Jongin’s door was closed behind them, Sehun was throwing Jongin down on the bed, dragging off his pants and underwear before crawling up over the older boy to suck a dark hickey on tanned skin. Jongin moaned, hips grinding up into where he could feel Sehun’s cock still trapped behind layers of fabric. Prep was quick, sloppy, the sting of too many fingers too fast sharp but fading quickly into a dull burn overwhelmed by pleasure. Jongin wrapped his legs around Sehun’s narrow waist and flipped their positions, grinding down on Sehun’s cock before pulling his pants down just far enough to reach the cock and sink down on it quickly.
Jongin’s body clenched tight at the pain and Sehun groaned, hips jerking up into Jongin’s prostate. Jongin yelped and slid down the rest of the way, taking a moment to regain his bearings before circling his hips and beginning to bounce, leaning back with hands on Sehun’s thighs directed Sehun’s cock precisely where he wanted it, and Jongin was moaning with the need to come within minutes. One final hard thrust up from Sehun had Jongin falling apart on Sehun’s lap, the clenching of Jongin’s hole drawing out Sehun’s own orgasm.
Despite the intensity or their physical chemistry, that was ultimately all they had. “Dates” were more of hookups than anything else, without substance or real connection enough for anything lasting. They dragged it out for as long as possible, but they were both searching for something more, something permanent and meaningful, a deeper emotional connection.
Their parting was sad, angry, but necessary, and by the end they were in accord. It made sense, and they were both happier for it eventually. Sehun moved on quickly, hit it off with Zitao, but Jongin wasn’t able to get over it quite so quickly. The string of unsuccessful relationships, at this point spanning more than five years, was really beginning to get to him.
Kris was nothing more than a brief fling. They met at a party, one of those stupid terrible ones Yixing was always throwing and dragging Jongin to under threat of blackmail. Wu “call me Kris” Yifan was a pleasantly handsome surprise standing out from the typical morass of desperate freshmen and Yixing’s stoner friends. Their eyes locked, in a fit of 80s chick flick-esque cheesiness, from where they were smoldering (sulking) in opposite corners of the room, and Jongin pushed as quickly as he could through the crowd to the man’s side, not truly appreciating how tall he was until they were directly side-by-side.
Few words were exchanged beyond a brief introduction and a quick assessment of whether it was worth it to walk to Kris’ apartment (it was). Their walk to Kris’ room was purposeful, quiet but not awkward, and it was on from the moment they were through the door, Kris pushing Jongin against the wall quick and hard before moving to lead the way to his bedroom.
They take it hard and fast, then a second time slower once the sheets have had a chance to cool before falling asleep. Jongin wakes first and leaved his number on a scrap of paper on the fridge before slipping out. The hook up a few more times, nothing serious simply a physical distraction from their mutual loneliness. They never really formally ended it, just gradually lost touch as they both met new people and moved on.
Joonmyun reminded Jongin almost impossibly of Kyungsoo. He was quiet, meticulous, neat - in short, a caretaker, though he lacked Kyungsoo’s mastery of cooking. The biggest shock was the level of kink he displayed when they finally made the leap fully to lovers. He utterly dominated Jongin bed (and when, Jongin wondered, had that become the trend?), exposing him to a myriad of things he hadn’t known existed, let alone ever tried.
For the first time since Kyungsoo, Jongin felt like he might really be able to give it a go, might really be able to move past the man he had lost fully six years ago. At the same time that Joonmyun’s sexual proclivities made him interesting, he was also stable, well off, kind, loving - everything Jongin could have asked for in a boyfriend. Above all, the fit each other, one making up for what the other lacked, Jongin’s childishness and Joonmyun’s maturity meshing perfectly with one another.
They dated for a few months before deciding to move in together and lived like that happily for two and a half years. They were content, yet when Joonmyun approached Jongin, complaining of being held back from the life he wanted, it wasn’t nearly as much a surprise as it probably aught to have been. There had been signs - Joonmyun had given up a promotion at work that would have meant moving away, and while he’d said it didn’t matter to him it obviously did; Jongin had turned down opportunities of his own in order to stay with Joonmyun.
They were too much their own people, ultimately. Both driven down paths that, despite their best efforts, seemed destined to diverge. The split was messy, despite how they’d both seen it coming. Almost three years of baggage, both mental and physical, was a lot to sort through. It was the kind of situation that no matter what would have been messy at best, and all things considered things had gone fairly smoothly, and while at parting they were no longer really on speaking terms, they were no where near as angry and foul as they might have been, interacting courteously before going their separate ways.
Even Jongin had to admit he was just using Chanyeol. The man was sweet, sure, but in a sort of childish, eager-to-please way that reminded Jongin most closely of a lab puppy. It was a bit annoying to be honest, but nine years of failed love and near-constant thoughts of a love lost had Jongin jaded and desperate for attention from almost any quarter.
Despite the annoyance of Chanyeol’s excess enthusiasm, Jongin had to admit the situation had its benefits. Chanyeol was so eager, so happy to do anything at all that Jongin might ask, dive through hoops to meet his increasingly obscure demands. It was a bit like having an extremely devoted and slightly creepy fanboy, Jongin decided. Not that he’d know - it’s not as thought he’d ever done anything to garner fandom, but if he had to imagine having a devoted fan, Chanyeol would be it.
If nothing else, Chanyeol was good for making him feel wanted, and with no emotional attachment on his end, Jongin didn’t have any real fear of the relationship ending. For the first time in what felt like years Jongin felt fully in control of his relationship. Chanyeol was putty in Jongin’s hands, and while he felt bad for manipulating the other man so, the guilt was overwritten by the satisfaction of being for one the absolute centre of someone’s attention.
For all the benefits of having Chanyeol around, he was still annoying - clingy, obnoxious, and honestly still kind of creepily obsessive. It wasn’t that Jongin was necessarily looking to move on (he was), but meeting funny, sarcastic Jongdae was the final excuse Jongin needed to break it off with Chanyeol. Chanyeol seemed heartbroken by the news, and while Jongin did feel bad, he’d been jaded by previous breakups to shrug it off and move on with relative ease.
Something Jongin had come to realize about himself, by dint of much emotional turmoil, was that he didn’t do well on his own. He wanted, needed to feel desired, and by far the most effective way he’s found was through relationships, and increasingly his romantic relationships were more due to a need for connection than any real deep-seated feeling for the other person.
Jongdae was just the latest in a string of such lovers. Jongin liked him, sure - he was possessed of a quick, sarcastic wit that could at times prove impossibly funny, but he could also prove impossibly sweet when he wanted to be. Neither of them was under any illusions of true love, but they got along well enough, each filling a hole in the other’s heart that neither of them ever really talked about.
It was a fairly successful arrangement, all considered. The felt secure enough in each other to use the other as their emotional anchor in times of need, but ultimately were almost more best friends with benefits than true boyfriends. It was casual, it was comfortable, and it was just what they both needed.
Of course, it was only a matter of time before things started to go - not sour but no longer as sweet as they had once been. It was Jongdae who first began to grow distant, staying out later and coming home smelling of someone else. Jongin didn’t mind, really. He, too, had been growing tired of their casual setup, and this was really just an excuse to break it off.
He dumped Jongdae within the week, not cruel but neither overly careful, and Jongdae seemed less than upset, simply shrugging before moving to gather his things from Jongin’s apartment. There wasn’t much really - Jongin had noticed Jongdae gradually removing items already, and figured that if he hadn’t dumped Jongdae then Jongdae probably would have dumped him, and he was glad to have done it first.
The apartment felt still, empty without someone else in it. There were small gaps where Jongdae’s things had taken up residence before being removed. Jongin shivered, uncomfortable in his suddenly too-big apartment, and threw on a coat, determined to drown his loneliness at the local bar, maybe even find someone new to fill the hole.
The noise and bustle of the bar was as comforting as Jongin had hoped it would be, warm and inviting and full of people. Jongin settled at the bar, ordering a beer before spinning around on his stool to watch the crowd. It was comfortable like this, sipping his beer while watching the ever-changing mob. He picked out a particularly attractive face from time to time, bookmarking them in his mind to pursue later. He was in the middle of eyeing a thin honey-blond man (Luhan used to dye his hair just that color) when the man turned around.
Jongin gasped, shocked at seeing the love of his life after so long. He looked exactly as he had when they were in high school, hair still that same shade of blond (no wonder it had looked so familiar), though slightly longer now and curly. Luhan was laughing, seemingly talking to someone to his left, and hadn’t seen Jongin yet. Just as Jongin was debating whether to make his escape, Luhan turned fully towards the bar and locked eyes with Jongin. He looked momentarily confused, Jongin’s face clearly pulling at his memory, before the confusion visibly cleared to be replaced with fear and shock. Luhan stood, frozen, for a moment before pulling himself together and bolting for the door. Jongin chased after him, not that he’d gotten very far pushing through the crowd. He jumped when Jongin caught his wrist, trying to tug away before spinning to stare Jongin in the eyes.
Jongin stood for a moment, staring, and Luhan chose this moment to renew his attempts at escape. “Wait, please,” Jongin renewed the chase. “Luhan, please, can’t we talk? That’s all I want.”
Luhan paused, turning slowly and staring at Jongin contemplatively before nodding sharply. “But not here, come on.” At once Jongin found himself being dragged instead. Luhan took them to a small coffee shop down the street, nearly empty at this hour, before sitting them at a small table in a back corner. “So, what did you want to talk about?”
“I-,“ Jongin paused. What did he want to talk about? All these years all he’d wanted was to see Luhan again, but he’d never thought about what to do if they were to meet up. “I just- I missed you. I didn’t ever understand why we really broke up, and for the past ten years all I could think of was you. I broke up with so many people because something about them wasn’t as good as you. Just- why?”
Luhan sat silent for a long time, contemplating Jongin’s question carefully before opening his mouth. “I needed… something else. You were younger, I think, and there was just something missing. If it makes you feel better I haven’t forgotten about you either. I way not have been as hard-hit as you, but I still cared. I haven’t dated much in a few years, just because I was tired of nothing ever working out.” They spoke for hours, about their reasons, about the past, just catching up after their ten-year separation.
By the end they were smiling, happy, as if they had never broken up. They exchanged phone numbers before going their separate ways. Jongin waited until Luhan had disappeared around a corner before jumping in the air. He was ecstatic. After all these years… Finally, after ten sad, lonely years, he’s found his Luhan again.
They spent the next couple weeks texting back and forth, meeting occasionally for coffee or lunch, before deciding to try dating again. To both of their surprise, it went off without a hitch, a combination of old experience and new maturity allowing them to get along better than they ever had. If anything, this second attempt at love was even more fairytale perfect than before, progressing quickly over the next year.
It shouldn’t have been a surprise, Luhan suggesting they move in together, but it was. The suggestion took Jongin totally out of left field, end he reacted accordingly. He didn’t feel ready, if he was being honest, and the hurt from ten years ago was still there, simmering under the surface and filling him with doubt. Luhan had told him he was silly, that the high school foolishness was long past, but he couldn’t let it go.
He told Luhan as much again, of his insecurities and wish to wait, but Luhan wasn’t happy, already tired of taking things as slowly as they had been. They bickered back and forth before Luhan finally snapped, announcing he was taking a walk before grabbing his coat and storming out.
Jongin paced angrily around his apartment, trying to release his anger into the floor rather than something more destructive. It took at bit - they hardly fought, which was good in the moment but made them bad at resolving the rare fights they did have - but Jongin was eventually able to calm down enough to think rationally about the situation. They’d both overreacted, he realized - while he himself needed try harder to compromise, Luhan needed to be more understanding of boundaries, and both of them needed to work on communication. It would be hard, of course - they had definite baggage weighing at every step they took, making more complicated their already delicate relationship - but he was sure they could do it.
After all, they had managed to end up together despite ten years of pain and separation; they had to be fated for something good. Jongin determined to call Luhan, apologize, beg for forgiveness, anything to get the other man to talk to him. Luhan answered on the fifth ring - Jongin had begun to think he wasn’t going to pick up. His “what” was short, brusque. It made Jongin nervous, shut down almost immediately, but this was important. He needed to get his point across.
Jongin launched immediately into his apology, desperate to get it all out before Luhan cut him off or hung up. His apology died off at the sound of snickering coming across the line from Luhan’s end. He didn’t understand - he was serious, what was there to laugh about?
“Jongin, Jongin baby, it’s ok. I was mad but I wasn’t that mad. I wish you trusted me more after this time but I understand really. I want to live with you, but if it means so much to you we can wait. It’ll be ok.” Jongin sniffled, mollified but not fully convinced. “Baby, really it’ll be fine. Look I’ll be back in a couple minutes, so let’s talk about it. It’ll be ok, really. I lov-”
Luhan’s words cut off abruptly. Through the phone Jongin could hear a sickening sort of thud-crunch and the screech of brakes before the call went silent. Jongin tried desperately to call the phone again, but it failed to connect every time. He was frantic - he didn’t know where Luhan was, didn’t know what had happened, had no way of contacting him - he was adrift without knowledge of what had just happened to the man he loved.
It took a surprisingly short time for Jongin get word of what had happened. It seemed like an eternity and yet at once mere moments before he was getting a call from the hospital, mentioning his status as critical patient Luhan’s first contact and when had Luhan done that did he really trust Jongin so much? He hardly heard what they’d said before he was out the door, jacked forgotten in his haste.
He was in the hospital lobby in record time, stopping his momentum only by running headlong into the desk. It took an irritating amount of time for the receptionist to understand his garbled, frantic request for Luhan’s room number, before he was off again, forgoing the elevator for the stairs. It seemed to take forever for Jongin to reach room 534, but when he did he found himself inexplicably pausing, fearing what he mind.
He took a final deep breath, and opened the door.
Title: I Almost Had It
Pairing: main!Jongin/Luhan, Jongin/everyone (one at a time)
Word Count: ~5,000 words
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: hinted character death
Summary: Jongin knew that forgetting your first love was difficult, but he never thought it would be this hard. Ten exes and ten years later, Jongin meets him again. Loosely inspired by JYJ's "In Heaven."
Author's Note: So I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted; it gave me a lot of trouble but really tried to deliver. I hope you like it! PS: Jongin, Yixing and Minseok's Dance 310 class is "Intermediate Contemporary Dance Technique 1" at my university, which apparently is a recommended class for freshman dance majors.
Jongin and Luhan had met in high school, just the sort of whirlwind fairytale romance so many dreamed of and so few experienced. They were high school sweethearts with all the trappings - it had been love at first sight for Jongin, who had fought long and hard for Luhan’s return of his affections.
Luhan had secretly been fond long before finally giving in, but he treated it as a sort of test, whether or not the darkly handsome boy in his honors lit class was desperate enough to really work for it.
Once they finally got together they had been the “it” couple everyone aspired to; mutually handsome, madly in love, at once innocent and passionate. They had been kings of the school, and by all evidence destined to last forever.
And then they broke up.
It was messy, a shouting match over nothing anyone could remember in front of the lockers at school that grew louder and angrier until they were sent home for the day, told to cool off then come to detention on Saturday at nine. No one ever knew what had happened in those three hours shut in the tiny room off the main office, only that the people that emerged had been bitter, angry shells of their former selves, separating as soon as possible as if they found it almost intolerable even to be near each other.
Following had been three months of tension you could cut with a spoon before Luhan hooked up with a new transfer student from the next town over. Jongin had been expelled the next day for putting the new boy in the hospital, and transferred to the school in the next district.
It had taken Jongin a long time - at least seven months - before he allowed himself to fall for someone again. He had truly loved Luhan, thought he was the one, and then it had fallen all to pieces in an instant over some non-reason that he still didn’t fully understand. He had been determined, really, never to love anyone again. But then he’d met Yixing.
Yixing was hot - in a strange, sleepy sort of way - courteous to a fault, and one of the best dancers Jongin had ever seen with a fluid, easy style that Jongin could only hope to match. He was also Chinese like Luhan, perhaps what had attracted Jongin to him in the first place, with the cutest lisp to his speech that complimented his odd mannerisms and slightly halting Korean.
They’d met through the dance club as Jongin’s new school, both stars of their class and so repeatedly put together for duets and demonstrations that it would have been almost ridiculous for them not to end up together.
In direct contrast to the whirlwind free-fall of Jongin’s first relationship, Jongin and Yixing’s relationship was a slow burn. They were well suited, with similar passions and largely easy-going natures. They took things slow, careful not to rush and risk messing things up.
But ultimately it seemed they were almost too similar, more like brothers than lovers. There was no real burning passion for each other to drive the relationship forward, and Jongin could hardly help but compare the relationship to his wildly romantic one with Luhan. After almost half a year, it ended much as it had begun - a slow fade to an eventual mutual split, no animosity lost between them and feelings and friendships saved.
Jongin was glad for the amicable split after the disastrous end of his previous relationship, for the maintenance of one of his few valuable friendships. Ultimately Yixing and Jongin were far more successful as normal friends than they had been as boyfriends, the similarity of their personalities working now where it had failed them before.
They worked so well that they had decided to room together at university, both dance majors whose close interests had offered them similar schedules. It was in their shared Dance 310 class that Jongin met Kim Minseok.
Minseok lacked some of the technical skill of Jongin, or even Yixing, but he had a passion Jongin hadn’t seen in far too long among the largely jaded members of the dancing community. He was older, around the age Luhan would be now, but maintained an air of utter innocence that endeared him to everyone he met.
Jongin was no different - drawn in by the open, sunny smile but staying for Minseok’s kind and gentle disposition and seemingly boundless happiness. He had fallen in love at first only a little, then all at once, completely and utterly smitten within seemingly no time at all. It had been impossible to keep it off his face - it hadn’t taken long for Minseok to notice his lingering gaze and sappy expression, and against all odds it had been the elder who asked Jongin out first. He had floundered, spent several minutes on stunned babbling before finally saying yes.
That had been nearly six months ago, and Jongin still felt as smitten as he had at first glance. This was his longest relationship since Luhan, the one he felt most secure in, perhaps because Minseok reminded him so of Luhan. He had the same deceptively youthful face and immediate air of innocence masking a wealth of wit and good humor. And while their relationship may not have been passionate, it was comfortable. A secure constant Jongin could always come back to.
At least he had thought so. There had been little signs - Minseok being too busy to eat with him where once they had eaten together every day, a lack of the tender touch their relationship had once been flush with - tiny pieces of distance that altogether should have told Jongin what was happening. He really out to have picked up on it sooner but he was so smitten, so infatuated he didn’t even want to see the signs right before his eyes.
Their breakup had been quick - one rejected hug too many and then Minseok was telling him to leave, to move on. That he’d found someone else closer to his own age and temperament, someone actually able to give him what he wanted without a constant shadow of the past hanging over them. It was quick, it was one-sided, but it wasn’t cruel and, after only a few days of heartbreak Jongin found himself moving past it surprisingly easily.
Likewise, Jongin fell remarkably easily into his next relationship with a boy named Baekhyun.
Baekhyun - while just as short as Minseok had been and very nearly as cheerful - possessed many traits that Minseok (and the rest of his previous boyfriends) had not: he was loud, obnoxious, messy, and sassy almost to the point of cruelty. Jongin loved it. Baekhyun was new, exciting, unlike anyone he’d ever known before, and an absolute bomb in the sack.
Baekhyun turned Jongin’s formerly vanilla sex life utterly on its head. While he preferred to bottom, as had Jongin’s exes, he was the first to truly teach Jongin the meaning of the term “power bottom,” and was the first to introduce Jongin to all sorts of things he’d never heard of.
All in all their relationship was fun, easy, and destined to fail. There had been no real warning, but then they had never really been in a relationship - it had been more of a matter of convenience, Jongin looking for excitement after his dry relationship with Minseok, Baekhyun simply looking for a good time. As quickly as it had come about, so it ended. Jongin wasn’t truly hurt, just shocked - one moment Baekhyun had been a near constant fixture in his life, then the next he was gone entirely, an obnoxious and messy hole in Jongin’s life, a hole quickly healed once he met Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo and Baekhyun could not have been more different. Where Baekhyun had been defined by an obnoxious demeanor and disastrous health hazard of an apartment, Kyungsoo was quiet, withdrawn, impeccably neat and surprisingly nurturing. Like Luhan, he was girlish, cute, delicate in appearance - and refused to take anyone’s shit.
This was, perhaps, Jongin’s favorite trait. Out of all the innumerable traits that endeared Kyungsoo to him - his shy smile, his large eyes, his cooking, his awkwardness, his fondness for mothering - the way he stood up for himself was the most prominent element. He found the fact that Kyungsoo was at once typically cute and strong-willed utterly adorable and, honestly, almost hot.
To the surprise of Jongin himself, and to Yixing when he told him, tiny Kyungsoo was the first of all his boyfriends ever to top him in bed. Jongin had been nervous, but Kyungsoo had been surprisingly wonderful about it. He hadn’t mocked the lack of diversity in Jongin’s experience, or his fear, and had gently talked him through the whole slow process before taking him once and for all.
And he had liked it, to his surprise. He had expected it to be painful, and it was, but Kyungsoo was so utterly careful with him that the pain had been minimal, fleeting, quickly replaced with only an exquisite pleasure of a sort that was utterly unfamiliar.
Perhaps it was because of this new experience, but Jongin felt wonderfully connected to Kyungsoo, the first man to make him feel adored and loved in an utterly new way. Nevertheless, this relationship too withered and died. The connection Jongin felt did not hold true for Kyungsoo, and the intimacy of their relationship gradually withered and vanished as well.
The breakup, when it came, was an utter surprise to Jongin, who had been too enamored of Kyungsoo to see anything coming. Kyungsoo’s announcement that he was leaving Jongin for Baekhyun was a crushing blow, and Jongin was almost as sad as he had been when Luhan left, immersing himself in a dark and smelly wallow of despair that his friends struggled for over a week to pull him from.
Zitao was a striking change from Jongin’s previous short, pretty boyfriends - Yixing somewhat aside. Zitao was only barely older than Jongin but tall, muscular, darkly intimidating. Also unlike Jongin’s previous loves, and utterly at odds with his own appearance, Zitao had the personality of a teenage girl; he was demanding and vain but also sweet, innocent, easily excited, and utterly enamored of his tiny dog Candy, who he was in the habit of dressing up and showing off.
Much as Zitao’s surprising and hidden sweetness and innocence drew Jongin in, their relationship was hardly destined for success; Jongin had been attracted by the duality of his personality and appearance, and of course by his exotically appealing appearance, but that was it. There was no spark between them, and ultimately Jongin dumped a heartbroken Zitao mere weeks into their relationship.
Sehun was the first successful blind date Jongin had ever been on. Yixing had set it up, promising Jongin someone great from one of those weird experimental dance classes he was taking now. Jongin had been expecting, at best, some sort of odd neo-Hippie of Yixing’s own sort, but instead he was greeted by someone more perfect than he ever could have expected.
Sehun was tall, even taller than Jongin, hot, and had a body to die for. He was younger than Jongin by only a few months, and it did show, but his lack of reverence for Jongin’s small advantage and his quick wit made up for any lingering immaturity. Jongin himself could hardly be argued to be mature, so they were a near perfect match. The interests were in line, as well, with long hours spent arguing the points of their favorite comics or TV shows or doing their best to one-up each other at video games.
Jongin had never jumped into bed with anyone as quite as quickly as with - the end of that first blind date saw them stumbling the door to Jongin’s apartment, Sehun pushing him against the door before diving for his mouth, sucking on Jongin’s thick lower lip before releasing it with a pop and dragging him in the direction he thought Jongin’s bedroom might be. It wasn’t - that was Yixing’s room instead - and Jongin pulled Sehun by the wrist in the other direction.
As soon as Jongin’s door was closed behind them, Sehun was throwing Jongin down on the bed, dragging off his pants and underwear before crawling up over the older boy to suck a dark hickey on tanned skin. Jongin moaned, hips grinding up into where he could feel Sehun’s cock still trapped behind layers of fabric. Prep was quick, sloppy, the sting of too many fingers too fast sharp but fading quickly into a dull burn overwhelmed by pleasure. Jongin wrapped his legs around Sehun’s narrow waist and flipped their positions, grinding down on Sehun’s cock before pulling his pants down just far enough to reach the cock and sink down on it quickly.
Jongin’s body clenched tight at the pain and Sehun groaned, hips jerking up into Jongin’s prostate. Jongin yelped and slid down the rest of the way, taking a moment to regain his bearings before circling his hips and beginning to bounce, leaning back with hands on Sehun’s thighs directed Sehun’s cock precisely where he wanted it, and Jongin was moaning with the need to come within minutes. One final hard thrust up from Sehun had Jongin falling apart on Sehun’s lap, the clenching of Jongin’s hole drawing out Sehun’s own orgasm.
Despite the intensity or their physical chemistry, that was ultimately all they had. “Dates” were more of hookups than anything else, without substance or real connection enough for anything lasting. They dragged it out for as long as possible, but they were both searching for something more, something permanent and meaningful, a deeper emotional connection.
Their parting was sad, angry, but necessary, and by the end they were in accord. It made sense, and they were both happier for it eventually. Sehun moved on quickly, hit it off with Zitao, but Jongin wasn’t able to get over it quite so quickly. The string of unsuccessful relationships, at this point spanning more than five years, was really beginning to get to him.
Kris was nothing more than a brief fling. They met at a party, one of those stupid terrible ones Yixing was always throwing and dragging Jongin to under threat of blackmail. Wu “call me Kris” Yifan was a pleasantly handsome surprise standing out from the typical morass of desperate freshmen and Yixing’s stoner friends. Their eyes locked, in a fit of 80s chick flick-esque cheesiness, from where they were smoldering (sulking) in opposite corners of the room, and Jongin pushed as quickly as he could through the crowd to the man’s side, not truly appreciating how tall he was until they were directly side-by-side.
Few words were exchanged beyond a brief introduction and a quick assessment of whether it was worth it to walk to Kris’ apartment (it was). Their walk to Kris’ room was purposeful, quiet but not awkward, and it was on from the moment they were through the door, Kris pushing Jongin against the wall quick and hard before moving to lead the way to his bedroom.
They take it hard and fast, then a second time slower once the sheets have had a chance to cool before falling asleep. Jongin wakes first and leaved his number on a scrap of paper on the fridge before slipping out. The hook up a few more times, nothing serious simply a physical distraction from their mutual loneliness. They never really formally ended it, just gradually lost touch as they both met new people and moved on.
Joonmyun reminded Jongin almost impossibly of Kyungsoo. He was quiet, meticulous, neat - in short, a caretaker, though he lacked Kyungsoo’s mastery of cooking. The biggest shock was the level of kink he displayed when they finally made the leap fully to lovers. He utterly dominated Jongin bed (and when, Jongin wondered, had that become the trend?), exposing him to a myriad of things he hadn’t known existed, let alone ever tried.
For the first time since Kyungsoo, Jongin felt like he might really be able to give it a go, might really be able to move past the man he had lost fully six years ago. At the same time that Joonmyun’s sexual proclivities made him interesting, he was also stable, well off, kind, loving - everything Jongin could have asked for in a boyfriend. Above all, the fit each other, one making up for what the other lacked, Jongin’s childishness and Joonmyun’s maturity meshing perfectly with one another.
They dated for a few months before deciding to move in together and lived like that happily for two and a half years. They were content, yet when Joonmyun approached Jongin, complaining of being held back from the life he wanted, it wasn’t nearly as much a surprise as it probably aught to have been. There had been signs - Joonmyun had given up a promotion at work that would have meant moving away, and while he’d said it didn’t matter to him it obviously did; Jongin had turned down opportunities of his own in order to stay with Joonmyun.
They were too much their own people, ultimately. Both driven down paths that, despite their best efforts, seemed destined to diverge. The split was messy, despite how they’d both seen it coming. Almost three years of baggage, both mental and physical, was a lot to sort through. It was the kind of situation that no matter what would have been messy at best, and all things considered things had gone fairly smoothly, and while at parting they were no longer really on speaking terms, they were no where near as angry and foul as they might have been, interacting courteously before going their separate ways.
Even Jongin had to admit he was just using Chanyeol. The man was sweet, sure, but in a sort of childish, eager-to-please way that reminded Jongin most closely of a lab puppy. It was a bit annoying to be honest, but nine years of failed love and near-constant thoughts of a love lost had Jongin jaded and desperate for attention from almost any quarter.
Despite the annoyance of Chanyeol’s excess enthusiasm, Jongin had to admit the situation had its benefits. Chanyeol was so eager, so happy to do anything at all that Jongin might ask, dive through hoops to meet his increasingly obscure demands. It was a bit like having an extremely devoted and slightly creepy fanboy, Jongin decided. Not that he’d know - it’s not as thought he’d ever done anything to garner fandom, but if he had to imagine having a devoted fan, Chanyeol would be it.
If nothing else, Chanyeol was good for making him feel wanted, and with no emotional attachment on his end, Jongin didn’t have any real fear of the relationship ending. For the first time in what felt like years Jongin felt fully in control of his relationship. Chanyeol was putty in Jongin’s hands, and while he felt bad for manipulating the other man so, the guilt was overwritten by the satisfaction of being for one the absolute centre of someone’s attention.
For all the benefits of having Chanyeol around, he was still annoying - clingy, obnoxious, and honestly still kind of creepily obsessive. It wasn’t that Jongin was necessarily looking to move on (he was), but meeting funny, sarcastic Jongdae was the final excuse Jongin needed to break it off with Chanyeol. Chanyeol seemed heartbroken by the news, and while Jongin did feel bad, he’d been jaded by previous breakups to shrug it off and move on with relative ease.
Something Jongin had come to realize about himself, by dint of much emotional turmoil, was that he didn’t do well on his own. He wanted, needed to feel desired, and by far the most effective way he’s found was through relationships, and increasingly his romantic relationships were more due to a need for connection than any real deep-seated feeling for the other person.
Jongdae was just the latest in a string of such lovers. Jongin liked him, sure - he was possessed of a quick, sarcastic wit that could at times prove impossibly funny, but he could also prove impossibly sweet when he wanted to be. Neither of them was under any illusions of true love, but they got along well enough, each filling a hole in the other’s heart that neither of them ever really talked about.
It was a fairly successful arrangement, all considered. The felt secure enough in each other to use the other as their emotional anchor in times of need, but ultimately were almost more best friends with benefits than true boyfriends. It was casual, it was comfortable, and it was just what they both needed.
Of course, it was only a matter of time before things started to go - not sour but no longer as sweet as they had once been. It was Jongdae who first began to grow distant, staying out later and coming home smelling of someone else. Jongin didn’t mind, really. He, too, had been growing tired of their casual setup, and this was really just an excuse to break it off.
He dumped Jongdae within the week, not cruel but neither overly careful, and Jongdae seemed less than upset, simply shrugging before moving to gather his things from Jongin’s apartment. There wasn’t much really - Jongin had noticed Jongdae gradually removing items already, and figured that if he hadn’t dumped Jongdae then Jongdae probably would have dumped him, and he was glad to have done it first.
The apartment felt still, empty without someone else in it. There were small gaps where Jongdae’s things had taken up residence before being removed. Jongin shivered, uncomfortable in his suddenly too-big apartment, and threw on a coat, determined to drown his loneliness at the local bar, maybe even find someone new to fill the hole.
The noise and bustle of the bar was as comforting as Jongin had hoped it would be, warm and inviting and full of people. Jongin settled at the bar, ordering a beer before spinning around on his stool to watch the crowd. It was comfortable like this, sipping his beer while watching the ever-changing mob. He picked out a particularly attractive face from time to time, bookmarking them in his mind to pursue later. He was in the middle of eyeing a thin honey-blond man (Luhan used to dye his hair just that color) when the man turned around.
Jongin gasped, shocked at seeing the love of his life after so long. He looked exactly as he had when they were in high school, hair still that same shade of blond (no wonder it had looked so familiar), though slightly longer now and curly. Luhan was laughing, seemingly talking to someone to his left, and hadn’t seen Jongin yet. Just as Jongin was debating whether to make his escape, Luhan turned fully towards the bar and locked eyes with Jongin. He looked momentarily confused, Jongin’s face clearly pulling at his memory, before the confusion visibly cleared to be replaced with fear and shock. Luhan stood, frozen, for a moment before pulling himself together and bolting for the door. Jongin chased after him, not that he’d gotten very far pushing through the crowd. He jumped when Jongin caught his wrist, trying to tug away before spinning to stare Jongin in the eyes.
Jongin stood for a moment, staring, and Luhan chose this moment to renew his attempts at escape. “Wait, please,” Jongin renewed the chase. “Luhan, please, can’t we talk? That’s all I want.”
Luhan paused, turning slowly and staring at Jongin contemplatively before nodding sharply. “But not here, come on.” At once Jongin found himself being dragged instead. Luhan took them to a small coffee shop down the street, nearly empty at this hour, before sitting them at a small table in a back corner. “So, what did you want to talk about?”
“I-,“ Jongin paused. What did he want to talk about? All these years all he’d wanted was to see Luhan again, but he’d never thought about what to do if they were to meet up. “I just- I missed you. I didn’t ever understand why we really broke up, and for the past ten years all I could think of was you. I broke up with so many people because something about them wasn’t as good as you. Just- why?”
Luhan sat silent for a long time, contemplating Jongin’s question carefully before opening his mouth. “I needed… something else. You were younger, I think, and there was just something missing. If it makes you feel better I haven’t forgotten about you either. I way not have been as hard-hit as you, but I still cared. I haven’t dated much in a few years, just because I was tired of nothing ever working out.” They spoke for hours, about their reasons, about the past, just catching up after their ten-year separation.
By the end they were smiling, happy, as if they had never broken up. They exchanged phone numbers before going their separate ways. Jongin waited until Luhan had disappeared around a corner before jumping in the air. He was ecstatic. After all these years… Finally, after ten sad, lonely years, he’s found his Luhan again.
They spent the next couple weeks texting back and forth, meeting occasionally for coffee or lunch, before deciding to try dating again. To both of their surprise, it went off without a hitch, a combination of old experience and new maturity allowing them to get along better than they ever had. If anything, this second attempt at love was even more fairytale perfect than before, progressing quickly over the next year.
It shouldn’t have been a surprise, Luhan suggesting they move in together, but it was. The suggestion took Jongin totally out of left field, end he reacted accordingly. He didn’t feel ready, if he was being honest, and the hurt from ten years ago was still there, simmering under the surface and filling him with doubt. Luhan had told him he was silly, that the high school foolishness was long past, but he couldn’t let it go.
He told Luhan as much again, of his insecurities and wish to wait, but Luhan wasn’t happy, already tired of taking things as slowly as they had been. They bickered back and forth before Luhan finally snapped, announcing he was taking a walk before grabbing his coat and storming out.
Jongin paced angrily around his apartment, trying to release his anger into the floor rather than something more destructive. It took at bit - they hardly fought, which was good in the moment but made them bad at resolving the rare fights they did have - but Jongin was eventually able to calm down enough to think rationally about the situation. They’d both overreacted, he realized - while he himself needed try harder to compromise, Luhan needed to be more understanding of boundaries, and both of them needed to work on communication. It would be hard, of course - they had definite baggage weighing at every step they took, making more complicated their already delicate relationship - but he was sure they could do it.
After all, they had managed to end up together despite ten years of pain and separation; they had to be fated for something good. Jongin determined to call Luhan, apologize, beg for forgiveness, anything to get the other man to talk to him. Luhan answered on the fifth ring - Jongin had begun to think he wasn’t going to pick up. His “what” was short, brusque. It made Jongin nervous, shut down almost immediately, but this was important. He needed to get his point across.
Jongin launched immediately into his apology, desperate to get it all out before Luhan cut him off or hung up. His apology died off at the sound of snickering coming across the line from Luhan’s end. He didn’t understand - he was serious, what was there to laugh about?
“Jongin, Jongin baby, it’s ok. I was mad but I wasn’t that mad. I wish you trusted me more after this time but I understand really. I want to live with you, but if it means so much to you we can wait. It’ll be ok.” Jongin sniffled, mollified but not fully convinced. “Baby, really it’ll be fine. Look I’ll be back in a couple minutes, so let’s talk about it. It’ll be ok, really. I lov-”
Luhan’s words cut off abruptly. Through the phone Jongin could hear a sickening sort of thud-crunch and the screech of brakes before the call went silent. Jongin tried desperately to call the phone again, but it failed to connect every time. He was frantic - he didn’t know where Luhan was, didn’t know what had happened, had no way of contacting him - he was adrift without knowledge of what had just happened to the man he loved.
It took a surprisingly short time for Jongin get word of what had happened. It seemed like an eternity and yet at once mere moments before he was getting a call from the hospital, mentioning his status as critical patient Luhan’s first contact and when had Luhan done that did he really trust Jongin so much? He hardly heard what they’d said before he was out the door, jacked forgotten in his haste.
He was in the hospital lobby in record time, stopping his momentum only by running headlong into the desk. It took an irritating amount of time for the receptionist to understand his garbled, frantic request for Luhan’s room number, before he was off again, forgoing the elevator for the stairs. It seemed to take forever for Jongin to reach room 534, but when he did he found himself inexplicably pausing, fearing what he mind.
He took a final deep breath, and opened the door.