(for kriscasso) Mellifluous Cacophony
For: kriscasso
Title: Mellifluous Cacophony
Pairing: Jongin/Chanyeol
Word Count: ~4,000 words
Rating: R
Warnings: disability, mention of heavy drinking, depression, self-harm/suicide
Summary: Jongin and Chanyeol are like puzzle pieces, incongruent but perfectly matching at the same time, and it’s all because of music.
Author's Note: I apologize if I stayed too far from the original prompt, but I got carried away…it was a beautiful prompt, and I enjoyed writing for you! ^^
Jongin keeps his head down, baseball cap pulled down to cover his eyes. His hands are crumpled into fists in his pockets. His headphones are in, but there is no sound being played. He is slightly claustrophobic, and the walk home from university to his apartment is always a struggle. He hates the bustling movement of all the people on the sidewalk. He wants his personal space. To a stranger, he would look like an angry, rebellious young man. But that is a far cry from the truth. If anything, Jongin is one of the kindest and most gentle of his age group, nothing at all like his classmates.
He has walked this path so many times before that he recognizes the little nuances in the pavement: the dark stains of who-knows-what, the flecks of sparkly dust, the various cracks and raised fissures. He knows exactly when and where to turn, without having to look up even once. And just like that, Jongin feels a weight lifted off of his shoulders, though it is only a temporary reprieve.
Being in the often overlooked, but rather quaint, book and music store that is a mere five minutes from his apartment somehow calms him. It is a breath of much-needed fresh air, and Jongin always takes it in deep gasps. It is one of the only things keeping him sane.
Today is slightly different from the rest, as he starts to walk further into his little paradise, unconsciously noticing that the old man who owns the shop is tediously arranging and rearranging the books and records in the front window as usual. He is so anal about that.
But what catches his attention is that the pint-sized young man who is normally working the front desk is not there. Jongin is relieved. Kyungsoo, as the man is called, may look charmingly sweet and kind, but Jongin is well aware that this is far from the truth. In fact, the two hold a silent, bitter grudge. Neither of them really know when it began, it has just always been that way. Kyungsoo despises Jongin for messing up neatly piled stacks of merchandise he has created when he never buys anything, and Jongin hates that Kyungsoo is always murderously glaring at him with his wide eyes, as if he wishes to burn him alive. It is an interesting coexistence indeed.
With Kyungsoo nowhere in sight, Jongin feels even more elated as he aimlessly walks through the aisles of books in the front of the shop. Jongin doesn’t read much; he has never liked reading. He is there for the music, the shelves of CDs and old records in the back. As a dancer, music is his life. It is an escape from the real world and harsh reality. It is his personal little heaven.
Jongin starts out with the CDs, as is his ritual. He browses through several genres before moving on to the records. He is not there to buy anything. There is just some sort of comfort of looking at the old covers, the colors and faded images. It’s soothing, and he does not know why. He is on the second row of records, the one that is mostly comprised of soft rock, when it happens.
Jongin never had to watch where he was going in the shop. He is always the only ‘customer’ in the store at this time. Kyungsoo and the old man are never here in the back in his way. But today is slightly different.
It is Jongin who bumps into the lanky giant, who is carefully arranging the records. Not in an OCD kind of way, but lovingly, as though he is returning each record to its rightful home. Jongin is about to apologize, but he is at a loss for words when the stranger, who has a look of wide-eyed fear plastered on his face, mumbles a gruff “I’m sorry”, and quickly moves past him, further to the back of the shop, where only employees are allowed.
That’s when Jongin realizes why Kyungsoo is not around to harass him with his death glare today. There is a new guy working. He is immediately intrigued.
~oOo~
It had been a mere flu. Chanyeol had gotten the flu so many times before in his life. Headaches, chills, feeling like shit. He knew the drill. It wasn’t a big deal, everyone gets sick. A little medication and rest, and just like that, you’re better.
Except it didn’t happen that way. At least not this time. Well, he did get better, at first. But the dizziness had persisted in the following weeks. And over the next few months, the ringing in his ears began to precipitate along with his constant headaches. He blamed it on the stress of his job. Being a music producer was not easy, especially at his age. He was young for the industry, and despite his obvious talent, he was still overburdened with work from his jealous superiors. Yes, it was stress. He just needed sleep, time to relax. He assured himself that it would all be better soon.
It didn’t get better. It was only when he realized that the noise coming through his right ear became increasingly fuzzy to the point where he could barely hear that he decided to get it checked out. He remembered the day in the doctor’s office distinctly. It was the day everything came crashing down.
Of course his concern had been raised when the doctor had come back in after examining him for quite some time, with an unreadable expression and a referral to a specialist effective immediately. Regardless, he had still been convinced that nothing was wrong, perhaps just a minor infection. Doctors were just naturally always overreacting.
Autoimmune, it was autoimmune. Chanyeol had been massively in denial. It couldn’t be! He had gotten the flu before, and nothing like this had ever happened before! The specialist had smiled sadly, explaining that there were many factors such as age, type of virus, even the type of drug used to treat it. Whatever it had been, it had triggered a cross reaction. His body had inaccurately sent rogue T-cells to fight off antigens that were common to both his flu and his inner ear. It was all gibberish to Chanyeol. He only knew that his body had mistakenly attacked his own hearing. And they had caught it too late. The hearing in his right ear was already practically gone, and the left was degraded to the point of legal deafness. He was going to permanently be deaf for the remainder of his life.
***
Chanyeol had been inconsolable for months after the diagnosis. Not even his sister, who could always cheer him up, nor his mother’s cooking, could do anything for him. He had spiraled into a pit of despair.
Everything he had known, his livelihood, was down the drain. Without his hearing, how could he continue his job as a producer? He was at a loss. Music, his love and passion, was gone from him, and no one could convince him otherwise.
He went into a sort of depression, mourning his loss of being able to hear his mother’s voice, or the chirping of birds in the morning, or the tinkling of bells that chimed against the door of the café where he usually went to get lunch. Then came the rage, the anger at himself for not doing something sooner, when the disease had been more preventable and treatable.
It took him quite some time, but he had ultimately gotten past his bitterness. It was a relief for his family, but less so for himself. He knew he had to continue with his life, even though he was no longer happy. Diligently, he began to look towards sign language and lip reading.
He never planned to give up speaking, it just kind of happened. He became more introverted, only speaking to his family and close friends. Otherwise, he preferred to remain silent beyond necessary interaction.
He refused to let anyone know about his condition. He was insecure about it, afraid of what people would think. Even at his job, he had resigned quietly, and without betraying his true reasons. He didn’t want his enemies to make a mockery of him.
It was the same reason why he had refused to get a cochlear implant. He couldn’t afford one anyways, but the thought of one made him feel weak and helpless. No, he was going to do this on his own.
His determination to lead a ‘normal’ life did not stop the darkness from seeping back into his thoughts, however. There were many nights where he cried himself to sleep, or drank heavily, or thought about swallowing an entire bottle of pills. It was hard not to.
More than anything, he avoided music as much as possible. He had been rational enough to not delete everything he’d ever worked on, settling for moving it all onto an external hard drive, which he carefully placed away in a safe that he never opened. His phone and computer had been purged clean of any audio files, and the physical CDs and records he owned were safely stowed away in boxes in his sister’s apartment.
Out of sight, out of mind.
~oOo~
It has been two weeks since Jongin first sees the new guy at the record shop. He finds out that the lanky giant’s name is Chanyeol, reading it off of the nametag of the man who clearly appears to not be one to socialize. Jongin notices that he only works two or three days out of the week, and that Kyungsoo has returned from vacation. This means that there is even less time to interact with Chanyeol, as well as more unspoken tension in the air since it seems that Chanyeol and Kyungsoo are on good terms.
It doesn’t deter Jongin from trying to start a conversation, however. Chanyeol is the only one who seems to enjoy the music that the shop has to offer. Jongin always sees him organizing the records or stocking new releases, and it makes him feel like they share an unspoken common bond. Jongin wants to know more.
He decides to try one more time, even though he has been rejected by the other man countless times over the past weeks. Chanyeol only manages to greet him with a gruff hello before retreating to the back room or pushing Kyungsoo to deal with him. Of course, it only takes one glare from Kyungsoo before Jongin hastily leaves the shop. Still, Jongin decides to push his luck. What has he got to lose anyways? He has already failed his dance midterm this morning; nothing else can possibly go wrong.
He starts out innocuously as usual, creeping up to Chanyeol after carefully meandering through two or three aisles of records. He taps him on the shoulder, and just like every time before, Chanyeol jumps a little before turning around. Jongin opens his mouth to say something, but once again, Chanyeol mumbles his greeting and collects a few records to take with him to the back room. He’s not sure why, but something in Jongin’s heart surges, his pride flaming with a bit of anger at his umpteenth failure.
He does something that he never does. He goes to speak with the old man who owns the shop. He knows he is being petulant, but he can’t help it. He complains. He tells the owner that Chanyeol’s behavior is unacceptable. He questions how an owner can employ such a rude worker. He storms out without even getting a response. And he immediately feels guilty. Not only has he never actually patronized the shop with a purchase before, but he also knows that Chanyeol hasn’t really done anything wrong.
He’s lucky that he doesn’t stick around, though. Because he doesn’t get to see how the old man calls Chanyeol out of the back room. He doesn’t see the man tell Chanyeol that he is fired, without even the hint of an explanation. He doesn’t see how Chanyeol walks out of the shop, shoulders hunched, eyes fighting to hold back the hot tears threatening to spill out.
***
Chanyeol had been rooming with Kyungsoo for almost two weeks. He was extremely grateful to his best friend. Not only had Kyungsoo given him a place to stay, but he had also found him a job at the book store and music shop where he worked as well. It was a sense of security.
Of course, Chanyeol didn’t need any of it. The royalties he received from his released tracks as a music producer were more than enough to cover his living expenses for the next few years. But with nothing to do, Chanyeol found it hard to keep the thoughts os death at bay. He clung to Kyungsoo, knowing that company would help, that a job to keep his mind occupied would help.
And it had helped. Granted, the shop was a bittersweet reminder for him. It gave him comfort to be around records and CDs again, but when he occasionally came across one of his own works, he found himself choking up without even knowing it. But he believed it was worth it. That is, until he had been fired.
He knew it was because he had failed to talk to the pesky college kid who came in every evening after his classes, but no matter how many times the kid approached him, he just couldn’t manage to find words. He knew the kid was probably harmless, but it had just been so long since he had actually spoken with someone outside his close circle. He wasn’t ready.
But that didn’t mean he wasn’t curious. He found himself oddly drawn to the young man, who would, without fail, always peruse the music section of the shop. Perhaps it was that commonality between them that Chanyeol found fascinating. Whatever it was, he needed to find out more about him.
He let a week pass before he had mustered the courage to ask his roommate for the favor. Naturally, Kyungsoo was irritated, questioning why on earth he would want to know more about the kid who had gotten him fired of all people. But Chanyeol was very much used to Kyungsoo’s judging stare and harsh words, and in the end, his patience had won out. Kyungsoo had sighed, muttering to himself that he would strangle Chnayeol one day for all the trouble. Chanyeol merely grinned. It was the first time he had smiled in months.
~oOo~
Kyungsoo feels like murdering something. He really doesn’t want to deal with the kid who comes into the shop every day, only to mess up the order he has created without purchasing a damn thing. But he feels obligated, not out of pity because of Chanyeol’s condition, but because Chanyeol is his best friend. Chanyeol is always trustworthy and is always there for him, no matter how annoying he may be at times.
After a day or two of snooping and asking his old college classmates, Kyungsoo manages to find out that Jongin is a dance major, and a failing one at that. The kid has some sort of social anxiety, he clams up around people. The knowledge makes Kyungsoo feel a little bit more sympathetic towards him, but not much.
Regardless, he tells Chanyeol, who almost immediately gets a spark in his eye. Kyungsoo immediately regrets it. Soon, Chanyeol is asking him another favor, to set up a meeting between him and the dancer. Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and mutters about murder some more, but complies anyways.
Kyungsoo notices that the kid has been mopey since he realizes that Chanyeol is gone. Jongin comes in at the usual time, with the new frown on his face. Kyungsoo manages to suppress his snort before taking part in what becomes a game of cat and mouse, with him trying to follow Jongin around the store, and Jongin retreating as fast as he can. Eventually, Kyungsoo loses what little patience he has with the kid and calls out his name.
Jongin is surprised at first, he’s shocked and slightly scared to know that Satan-Soo knows his name. But Kyungsoo assures him that he is not out to kill him today, and waves a slip of paper in the air. He claims that it’s Chanyeol’s contact information, that Chanyeol wants to talk to him. Something along the lines of butterflies appears in the pit of Jongin’s stomach. After all, he’s been wondering about Chanyeol since the day he lost it. He takes the paper gratefully, and rushes out of the store without even taking a look at the records.
Kyungsoo is glad the ordeal is over. He hopes he doesn’t have to deal with Jongin ever again, but he knows with a perturbing feeling that it won’t be the last time he has to see him.
***
Jongin and Chanyeol click instantly. They are like two matching puzzle pieces, incongruent but perfectly matching at the same time. Chanyeol has called Jongin over to his personal work studio. He has not used it in months after the diagnosis, but he has a good feeling today. He is hopeful.
They talk over coffee. Chanyeol is slow to speak at first. He has already practiced speaking in front of his mirror and an impatient Kyungsoo, but it’s still different in person. He stumbles a bit, not used to his own tongue anymore. He carefully explains his condition without getting too detailed. He used to be a music producer, but he is deaf now. He apologizes for his awkward behavior at the shop, it is because he is no longer used to speaking. He requests that Jongin try and respond slowly with him, so he can lip read.
Jongin is surprisingly understanding and patient. He explains his own problems, his divorced parents, his mild fear of people. He talks of how Chanyeol’s attention to music is what made him feel even remotely comfortable to be able to interact with him. He can’t even face his classmates or his professors that way. He is failing his dance classes because of it, because of his nervousness. And Chanyeol is just as understanding and patient with him.
When they have gotten well acquainted, Chanyeol then reveals his true motive. He asks, almost begs for Jongin’s help. He desperately wants to compose again. At least one piece. Though he is an auditory person, he is also attentive to strong visuals. He knows what notes look like on paper, he just doesn’t know how to put them together again. But if Jongin can dance to them, then maybe, just maybe, Jongin can help him translate his piece and make it whole.
Jongin barely mulls it over for a few seconds before agreeing. He thinks that this can help him, too. He can bond with the notes more, feel the music in his bones. Maybe it will make him confident enough to do well in the audition he has with a company in three weeks.
The two men shake hands with sparkles in their eyes.
***
They get off to a rocky start during the first week. It’s difficult at first for Jongin to convey the meaning of a single note into motion. But neither of the pair are willing to give up. It’s Chanyeol’s idea that makes a breakthrough. He plays his old tracks, and Jongin learns to dance to those first. After that, Jongin knows exactly what flick of wrist or point of toe to use for what note. For the remaining two weeks, the pair work like madmen.
During their breaks, Jongin gives Chanyeol the company and moral support he needs, assuring him that the new track sounds amazing. In return, Chanyeol, who is a naturally amiable person, coaxes Jongin out of his shell, coaching him how to be more outgoing and confident. It’s a win-win situation for the both of them.
Only Kyungsoo notices that something might be wrong. But he decides to wait and see. Chanyeol seems happy, and he doesn’t want to ruin that just yet. He wants to remain hopeful.
~oOo~
Five minutes of pure perfection. Chanyeol was pleased with the resulting track, cherishing it. It has become his most prized possession. In the meantime, Jongin had decided to use the accompanying self-composed dance for his audition. He was filled with confidence upon its completion, he felt like he was on top of the world.
Chanyeol attended Jongin’s audition, though Jongin did not know it. Chanyeol watched every beautiful moment, proud and ecstatic for his friend’s success. He smiled when he saw how Jongin blew away his classmates’ and professors’ expectations. He silently applauded when Jongin was accepted into the company. He left with tears in eyes.
***
Chanyeol gets home that night, the same old feelings hanging on his back. They have never left him, he has just managed to suppress them in front of everyone else. But now, he has found his peace. He realizes he was born to create, and create he did.
His time is over. He has created his most lovely audio, one that is haunting and discordant, but powerful and uplifting at the same time. A mellifluous cacophony.
He has nothing left to contribute in this world. He is ready now. He writes three letters. Two of apologies, to his family and to Kyungsoo. The last letter is one of appreciation. It is addressed to Jongin.
He fills the bathtub with the hottest water the faucets can produce, and though it is scalding to his skin, he feels nothing. He is too happy to feel anything.
That night, the water is stained red.
~oOo~
It has been two years. It is early evening when the sun is setting and Jongin places the flowers on the headstone. The name engraved upon it read ‘Park Chanyeol’. It is a bittersweet name to read.
Jongin recalls when Kyungsoo had called him. It was the first time that the seemingly evil man had opened up to him. They had met at a coffee shop, late at night, when Kyungsoo had broken the news of Chanyeol’s suicide to him. He listened to Kyungsoo’s calm explanation of their friendship since high school, of Chanyeol’s early success and his descent that came with his illness. He listened when Kyungsoo explained that he has noticed Chanyeol’s pallid skin and darkened eye circles in the past weeks. He had been alarmed, but he had written it off as their work together.
Jongin and Kyungsoo had started out as enemies, but slowly, they became friends. They still weren’t close, but they helped one another through the aftermath of Chanyeol’s passing. They both felt like taking blame, Kyungsoo for not intervening sooner, and Jongin for not suspecting anything. But sometimes, there is no one to blame.
It is Chanyeol’s letter that keeps him going through each day. Jongin himself felt like dying upon hearing the news, even though he had been nearly as close with Chanyeol as Chanyeol had been with others. But Chanyeol had written him to continue to succeed. He would accept no other future for Jongin than one of success.
“I’m still succeeding, Chanyeol.” He whispers the words into the cool air. He has just been told that he will debut in a boy group as lead dance after two years of hard training. Jongin does this every time he receives good news, and on special days like Chanyeol’s birthday as well.
“I hope you’re doing well up there. I miss you, you know.” He gets up and brushes the grass from his pants. Ever since the day he found out, he refuses to perform the dance he created for Chanyeol’s final work. He only wants Chanyeol to see it now. He will do this for many years to come. On every single day that he achieves another accomplishment, on every day that was important to Chanyeol. Until his bones are tired and aged and he can no longer dance.
Right then and there, he finds the music file on his phone, and he presses play. And he dances. He dances his heart out. For himself, and for Chanyeol. He dances, to the mellifluous cacophony that is life.
Title: Mellifluous Cacophony
Pairing: Jongin/Chanyeol
Word Count: ~4,000 words
Rating: R
Warnings: disability, mention of heavy drinking, depression, self-harm/suicide
Summary: Jongin and Chanyeol are like puzzle pieces, incongruent but perfectly matching at the same time, and it’s all because of music.
Author's Note: I apologize if I stayed too far from the original prompt, but I got carried away…it was a beautiful prompt, and I enjoyed writing for you! ^^
Jongin keeps his head down, baseball cap pulled down to cover his eyes. His hands are crumpled into fists in his pockets. His headphones are in, but there is no sound being played. He is slightly claustrophobic, and the walk home from university to his apartment is always a struggle. He hates the bustling movement of all the people on the sidewalk. He wants his personal space. To a stranger, he would look like an angry, rebellious young man. But that is a far cry from the truth. If anything, Jongin is one of the kindest and most gentle of his age group, nothing at all like his classmates.
He has walked this path so many times before that he recognizes the little nuances in the pavement: the dark stains of who-knows-what, the flecks of sparkly dust, the various cracks and raised fissures. He knows exactly when and where to turn, without having to look up even once. And just like that, Jongin feels a weight lifted off of his shoulders, though it is only a temporary reprieve.
Being in the often overlooked, but rather quaint, book and music store that is a mere five minutes from his apartment somehow calms him. It is a breath of much-needed fresh air, and Jongin always takes it in deep gasps. It is one of the only things keeping him sane.
Today is slightly different from the rest, as he starts to walk further into his little paradise, unconsciously noticing that the old man who owns the shop is tediously arranging and rearranging the books and records in the front window as usual. He is so anal about that.
But what catches his attention is that the pint-sized young man who is normally working the front desk is not there. Jongin is relieved. Kyungsoo, as the man is called, may look charmingly sweet and kind, but Jongin is well aware that this is far from the truth. In fact, the two hold a silent, bitter grudge. Neither of them really know when it began, it has just always been that way. Kyungsoo despises Jongin for messing up neatly piled stacks of merchandise he has created when he never buys anything, and Jongin hates that Kyungsoo is always murderously glaring at him with his wide eyes, as if he wishes to burn him alive. It is an interesting coexistence indeed.
With Kyungsoo nowhere in sight, Jongin feels even more elated as he aimlessly walks through the aisles of books in the front of the shop. Jongin doesn’t read much; he has never liked reading. He is there for the music, the shelves of CDs and old records in the back. As a dancer, music is his life. It is an escape from the real world and harsh reality. It is his personal little heaven.
Jongin starts out with the CDs, as is his ritual. He browses through several genres before moving on to the records. He is not there to buy anything. There is just some sort of comfort of looking at the old covers, the colors and faded images. It’s soothing, and he does not know why. He is on the second row of records, the one that is mostly comprised of soft rock, when it happens.
Jongin never had to watch where he was going in the shop. He is always the only ‘customer’ in the store at this time. Kyungsoo and the old man are never here in the back in his way. But today is slightly different.
It is Jongin who bumps into the lanky giant, who is carefully arranging the records. Not in an OCD kind of way, but lovingly, as though he is returning each record to its rightful home. Jongin is about to apologize, but he is at a loss for words when the stranger, who has a look of wide-eyed fear plastered on his face, mumbles a gruff “I’m sorry”, and quickly moves past him, further to the back of the shop, where only employees are allowed.
That’s when Jongin realizes why Kyungsoo is not around to harass him with his death glare today. There is a new guy working. He is immediately intrigued.
~oOo~
It had been a mere flu. Chanyeol had gotten the flu so many times before in his life. Headaches, chills, feeling like shit. He knew the drill. It wasn’t a big deal, everyone gets sick. A little medication and rest, and just like that, you’re better.
Except it didn’t happen that way. At least not this time. Well, he did get better, at first. But the dizziness had persisted in the following weeks. And over the next few months, the ringing in his ears began to precipitate along with his constant headaches. He blamed it on the stress of his job. Being a music producer was not easy, especially at his age. He was young for the industry, and despite his obvious talent, he was still overburdened with work from his jealous superiors. Yes, it was stress. He just needed sleep, time to relax. He assured himself that it would all be better soon.
It didn’t get better. It was only when he realized that the noise coming through his right ear became increasingly fuzzy to the point where he could barely hear that he decided to get it checked out. He remembered the day in the doctor’s office distinctly. It was the day everything came crashing down.
Of course his concern had been raised when the doctor had come back in after examining him for quite some time, with an unreadable expression and a referral to a specialist effective immediately. Regardless, he had still been convinced that nothing was wrong, perhaps just a minor infection. Doctors were just naturally always overreacting.
Autoimmune, it was autoimmune. Chanyeol had been massively in denial. It couldn’t be! He had gotten the flu before, and nothing like this had ever happened before! The specialist had smiled sadly, explaining that there were many factors such as age, type of virus, even the type of drug used to treat it. Whatever it had been, it had triggered a cross reaction. His body had inaccurately sent rogue T-cells to fight off antigens that were common to both his flu and his inner ear. It was all gibberish to Chanyeol. He only knew that his body had mistakenly attacked his own hearing. And they had caught it too late. The hearing in his right ear was already practically gone, and the left was degraded to the point of legal deafness. He was going to permanently be deaf for the remainder of his life.
***
Chanyeol had been inconsolable for months after the diagnosis. Not even his sister, who could always cheer him up, nor his mother’s cooking, could do anything for him. He had spiraled into a pit of despair.
Everything he had known, his livelihood, was down the drain. Without his hearing, how could he continue his job as a producer? He was at a loss. Music, his love and passion, was gone from him, and no one could convince him otherwise.
He went into a sort of depression, mourning his loss of being able to hear his mother’s voice, or the chirping of birds in the morning, or the tinkling of bells that chimed against the door of the café where he usually went to get lunch. Then came the rage, the anger at himself for not doing something sooner, when the disease had been more preventable and treatable.
It took him quite some time, but he had ultimately gotten past his bitterness. It was a relief for his family, but less so for himself. He knew he had to continue with his life, even though he was no longer happy. Diligently, he began to look towards sign language and lip reading.
He never planned to give up speaking, it just kind of happened. He became more introverted, only speaking to his family and close friends. Otherwise, he preferred to remain silent beyond necessary interaction.
He refused to let anyone know about his condition. He was insecure about it, afraid of what people would think. Even at his job, he had resigned quietly, and without betraying his true reasons. He didn’t want his enemies to make a mockery of him.
It was the same reason why he had refused to get a cochlear implant. He couldn’t afford one anyways, but the thought of one made him feel weak and helpless. No, he was going to do this on his own.
His determination to lead a ‘normal’ life did not stop the darkness from seeping back into his thoughts, however. There were many nights where he cried himself to sleep, or drank heavily, or thought about swallowing an entire bottle of pills. It was hard not to.
More than anything, he avoided music as much as possible. He had been rational enough to not delete everything he’d ever worked on, settling for moving it all onto an external hard drive, which he carefully placed away in a safe that he never opened. His phone and computer had been purged clean of any audio files, and the physical CDs and records he owned were safely stowed away in boxes in his sister’s apartment.
Out of sight, out of mind.
~oOo~
It has been two weeks since Jongin first sees the new guy at the record shop. He finds out that the lanky giant’s name is Chanyeol, reading it off of the nametag of the man who clearly appears to not be one to socialize. Jongin notices that he only works two or three days out of the week, and that Kyungsoo has returned from vacation. This means that there is even less time to interact with Chanyeol, as well as more unspoken tension in the air since it seems that Chanyeol and Kyungsoo are on good terms.
It doesn’t deter Jongin from trying to start a conversation, however. Chanyeol is the only one who seems to enjoy the music that the shop has to offer. Jongin always sees him organizing the records or stocking new releases, and it makes him feel like they share an unspoken common bond. Jongin wants to know more.
He decides to try one more time, even though he has been rejected by the other man countless times over the past weeks. Chanyeol only manages to greet him with a gruff hello before retreating to the back room or pushing Kyungsoo to deal with him. Of course, it only takes one glare from Kyungsoo before Jongin hastily leaves the shop. Still, Jongin decides to push his luck. What has he got to lose anyways? He has already failed his dance midterm this morning; nothing else can possibly go wrong.
He starts out innocuously as usual, creeping up to Chanyeol after carefully meandering through two or three aisles of records. He taps him on the shoulder, and just like every time before, Chanyeol jumps a little before turning around. Jongin opens his mouth to say something, but once again, Chanyeol mumbles his greeting and collects a few records to take with him to the back room. He’s not sure why, but something in Jongin’s heart surges, his pride flaming with a bit of anger at his umpteenth failure.
He does something that he never does. He goes to speak with the old man who owns the shop. He knows he is being petulant, but he can’t help it. He complains. He tells the owner that Chanyeol’s behavior is unacceptable. He questions how an owner can employ such a rude worker. He storms out without even getting a response. And he immediately feels guilty. Not only has he never actually patronized the shop with a purchase before, but he also knows that Chanyeol hasn’t really done anything wrong.
He’s lucky that he doesn’t stick around, though. Because he doesn’t get to see how the old man calls Chanyeol out of the back room. He doesn’t see the man tell Chanyeol that he is fired, without even the hint of an explanation. He doesn’t see how Chanyeol walks out of the shop, shoulders hunched, eyes fighting to hold back the hot tears threatening to spill out.
***
Chanyeol had been rooming with Kyungsoo for almost two weeks. He was extremely grateful to his best friend. Not only had Kyungsoo given him a place to stay, but he had also found him a job at the book store and music shop where he worked as well. It was a sense of security.
Of course, Chanyeol didn’t need any of it. The royalties he received from his released tracks as a music producer were more than enough to cover his living expenses for the next few years. But with nothing to do, Chanyeol found it hard to keep the thoughts os death at bay. He clung to Kyungsoo, knowing that company would help, that a job to keep his mind occupied would help.
And it had helped. Granted, the shop was a bittersweet reminder for him. It gave him comfort to be around records and CDs again, but when he occasionally came across one of his own works, he found himself choking up without even knowing it. But he believed it was worth it. That is, until he had been fired.
He knew it was because he had failed to talk to the pesky college kid who came in every evening after his classes, but no matter how many times the kid approached him, he just couldn’t manage to find words. He knew the kid was probably harmless, but it had just been so long since he had actually spoken with someone outside his close circle. He wasn’t ready.
But that didn’t mean he wasn’t curious. He found himself oddly drawn to the young man, who would, without fail, always peruse the music section of the shop. Perhaps it was that commonality between them that Chanyeol found fascinating. Whatever it was, he needed to find out more about him.
He let a week pass before he had mustered the courage to ask his roommate for the favor. Naturally, Kyungsoo was irritated, questioning why on earth he would want to know more about the kid who had gotten him fired of all people. But Chanyeol was very much used to Kyungsoo’s judging stare and harsh words, and in the end, his patience had won out. Kyungsoo had sighed, muttering to himself that he would strangle Chnayeol one day for all the trouble. Chanyeol merely grinned. It was the first time he had smiled in months.
~oOo~
Kyungsoo feels like murdering something. He really doesn’t want to deal with the kid who comes into the shop every day, only to mess up the order he has created without purchasing a damn thing. But he feels obligated, not out of pity because of Chanyeol’s condition, but because Chanyeol is his best friend. Chanyeol is always trustworthy and is always there for him, no matter how annoying he may be at times.
After a day or two of snooping and asking his old college classmates, Kyungsoo manages to find out that Jongin is a dance major, and a failing one at that. The kid has some sort of social anxiety, he clams up around people. The knowledge makes Kyungsoo feel a little bit more sympathetic towards him, but not much.
Regardless, he tells Chanyeol, who almost immediately gets a spark in his eye. Kyungsoo immediately regrets it. Soon, Chanyeol is asking him another favor, to set up a meeting between him and the dancer. Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and mutters about murder some more, but complies anyways.
Kyungsoo notices that the kid has been mopey since he realizes that Chanyeol is gone. Jongin comes in at the usual time, with the new frown on his face. Kyungsoo manages to suppress his snort before taking part in what becomes a game of cat and mouse, with him trying to follow Jongin around the store, and Jongin retreating as fast as he can. Eventually, Kyungsoo loses what little patience he has with the kid and calls out his name.
Jongin is surprised at first, he’s shocked and slightly scared to know that Satan-Soo knows his name. But Kyungsoo assures him that he is not out to kill him today, and waves a slip of paper in the air. He claims that it’s Chanyeol’s contact information, that Chanyeol wants to talk to him. Something along the lines of butterflies appears in the pit of Jongin’s stomach. After all, he’s been wondering about Chanyeol since the day he lost it. He takes the paper gratefully, and rushes out of the store without even taking a look at the records.
Kyungsoo is glad the ordeal is over. He hopes he doesn’t have to deal with Jongin ever again, but he knows with a perturbing feeling that it won’t be the last time he has to see him.
***
Jongin and Chanyeol click instantly. They are like two matching puzzle pieces, incongruent but perfectly matching at the same time. Chanyeol has called Jongin over to his personal work studio. He has not used it in months after the diagnosis, but he has a good feeling today. He is hopeful.
They talk over coffee. Chanyeol is slow to speak at first. He has already practiced speaking in front of his mirror and an impatient Kyungsoo, but it’s still different in person. He stumbles a bit, not used to his own tongue anymore. He carefully explains his condition without getting too detailed. He used to be a music producer, but he is deaf now. He apologizes for his awkward behavior at the shop, it is because he is no longer used to speaking. He requests that Jongin try and respond slowly with him, so he can lip read.
Jongin is surprisingly understanding and patient. He explains his own problems, his divorced parents, his mild fear of people. He talks of how Chanyeol’s attention to music is what made him feel even remotely comfortable to be able to interact with him. He can’t even face his classmates or his professors that way. He is failing his dance classes because of it, because of his nervousness. And Chanyeol is just as understanding and patient with him.
When they have gotten well acquainted, Chanyeol then reveals his true motive. He asks, almost begs for Jongin’s help. He desperately wants to compose again. At least one piece. Though he is an auditory person, he is also attentive to strong visuals. He knows what notes look like on paper, he just doesn’t know how to put them together again. But if Jongin can dance to them, then maybe, just maybe, Jongin can help him translate his piece and make it whole.
Jongin barely mulls it over for a few seconds before agreeing. He thinks that this can help him, too. He can bond with the notes more, feel the music in his bones. Maybe it will make him confident enough to do well in the audition he has with a company in three weeks.
The two men shake hands with sparkles in their eyes.
***
They get off to a rocky start during the first week. It’s difficult at first for Jongin to convey the meaning of a single note into motion. But neither of the pair are willing to give up. It’s Chanyeol’s idea that makes a breakthrough. He plays his old tracks, and Jongin learns to dance to those first. After that, Jongin knows exactly what flick of wrist or point of toe to use for what note. For the remaining two weeks, the pair work like madmen.
During their breaks, Jongin gives Chanyeol the company and moral support he needs, assuring him that the new track sounds amazing. In return, Chanyeol, who is a naturally amiable person, coaxes Jongin out of his shell, coaching him how to be more outgoing and confident. It’s a win-win situation for the both of them.
Only Kyungsoo notices that something might be wrong. But he decides to wait and see. Chanyeol seems happy, and he doesn’t want to ruin that just yet. He wants to remain hopeful.
~oOo~
Five minutes of pure perfection. Chanyeol was pleased with the resulting track, cherishing it. It has become his most prized possession. In the meantime, Jongin had decided to use the accompanying self-composed dance for his audition. He was filled with confidence upon its completion, he felt like he was on top of the world.
Chanyeol attended Jongin’s audition, though Jongin did not know it. Chanyeol watched every beautiful moment, proud and ecstatic for his friend’s success. He smiled when he saw how Jongin blew away his classmates’ and professors’ expectations. He silently applauded when Jongin was accepted into the company. He left with tears in eyes.
***
Chanyeol gets home that night, the same old feelings hanging on his back. They have never left him, he has just managed to suppress them in front of everyone else. But now, he has found his peace. He realizes he was born to create, and create he did.
His time is over. He has created his most lovely audio, one that is haunting and discordant, but powerful and uplifting at the same time. A mellifluous cacophony.
He has nothing left to contribute in this world. He is ready now. He writes three letters. Two of apologies, to his family and to Kyungsoo. The last letter is one of appreciation. It is addressed to Jongin.
He fills the bathtub with the hottest water the faucets can produce, and though it is scalding to his skin, he feels nothing. He is too happy to feel anything.
That night, the water is stained red.
~oOo~
It has been two years. It is early evening when the sun is setting and Jongin places the flowers on the headstone. The name engraved upon it read ‘Park Chanyeol’. It is a bittersweet name to read.
Jongin recalls when Kyungsoo had called him. It was the first time that the seemingly evil man had opened up to him. They had met at a coffee shop, late at night, when Kyungsoo had broken the news of Chanyeol’s suicide to him. He listened to Kyungsoo’s calm explanation of their friendship since high school, of Chanyeol’s early success and his descent that came with his illness. He listened when Kyungsoo explained that he has noticed Chanyeol’s pallid skin and darkened eye circles in the past weeks. He had been alarmed, but he had written it off as their work together.
Jongin and Kyungsoo had started out as enemies, but slowly, they became friends. They still weren’t close, but they helped one another through the aftermath of Chanyeol’s passing. They both felt like taking blame, Kyungsoo for not intervening sooner, and Jongin for not suspecting anything. But sometimes, there is no one to blame.
It is Chanyeol’s letter that keeps him going through each day. Jongin himself felt like dying upon hearing the news, even though he had been nearly as close with Chanyeol as Chanyeol had been with others. But Chanyeol had written him to continue to succeed. He would accept no other future for Jongin than one of success.
“I’m still succeeding, Chanyeol.” He whispers the words into the cool air. He has just been told that he will debut in a boy group as lead dance after two years of hard training. Jongin does this every time he receives good news, and on special days like Chanyeol’s birthday as well.
“I hope you’re doing well up there. I miss you, you know.” He gets up and brushes the grass from his pants. Ever since the day he found out, he refuses to perform the dance he created for Chanyeol’s final work. He only wants Chanyeol to see it now. He will do this for many years to come. On every single day that he achieves another accomplishment, on every day that was important to Chanyeol. Until his bones are tired and aged and he can no longer dance.
Right then and there, he finds the music file on his phone, and he presses play. And he dances. He dances his heart out. For himself, and for Chanyeol. He dances, to the mellifluous cacophony that is life.