here we go.
~a movie review~
TWILIGHT KILLS
aka robert pattinson is like sooooooooooo hot.
There was excitement, confusion and a little bit of fear in the air last night as millions of vampire- and werewolf-starved fanatics filled sold-out theaters across the country to see Twilight, the first (and sadly not the only) installment of SMeyer's cult vampire novel on the big screen.
In the movie Twilight, something amazing happened.
The combined talent of the screenwriters, the actors, the actresses, the extras and the crew accomplished something I didn't think was possible--I hoped it was possible, but I didn't think it was.
They took a crappy book, and they made it into an even crappier movie.
And I, for one, was stoked.
The movie starts with artistic sweeping shots of a defenseless deer in the middle of a cyan and emerald wilderness and a voice-over by Bella of the prologue, and then jets to Arizona for a bit of Phil and Renee, who were looking just as JAILBAIT lovely as the book described them.
So far, so good. It only started to get really ridiculous when every boy in the 3,000 or so population of Forks started fighting over Bella like she was the Heidi Klum to their Seal or something. Oh, and the slow motion walk of vampires into the cafeteria, perfectly timed to Jessica's introductions of them.
Oh, and the unnaturally extended period of time in which Bella let her long hair blow so tantalizingly by the whipping blades of the fan. And the part where Edward looks ready to projectile-vomit a vat of deer blood all over the room. Not to mention the constant look of constipation on Jasper's face. I bet he's had to take that dump for centuries. Now that I mention it however, Edward looked constipated a lot too. I bet it's because they're butt-fucking each other.
To put it clearly: IT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS. MADE OF EL-OH-EFFING-ELS.
I GIVE IT 5 OUT OF 5 OUT OF 5 GOLDEN ONIONS AND 1 EXTRA MUSHROOM RAVIOLI FOR KICKS.
Wait, I'm jumping ahead of the game. Disappointingly, it got better. Or worse, depending on how you look at it.
Because despite the unintentional funnies, there was honest-to-god serious moments eventually. And intentionally funny moments! Let's tally this up.
(I've used comment responses from lion_lamb to compile it all. Note: sortofbeautiful is completely lacking on movie discussion.)
THE FAILS.
-Vampire!constipation. Minus 10, because it happened a lot.
-Overacting. Minus 5, because 5 sounds good to me.
-Fast-paced. Minus 2, but plus 2 also because who the fuck cares. The faster it goes, the faster it's over. Even.
-Lack of B/E relationship development! Like OMG, they hardly talked! Minus 8,000, but plus 8,005, because it was still more relationship development than in the books. Oh snap, I went there.
-Way too cheesy. Minus 0, because really? HAHA really, it was cheesy? What book were you reading?
-Too many close-ups. Minus 2, because I guess it's valid.
-The SPARKLES. Minus 0, because Edward sparkles and why are you surprised something ridiculous was ridiculous?
-Jacob's wig. Minus 3, because he had a widow's peak.
-IT WASN'T THE BOOK EXACTLY. WHERE WAS THIS LINE AND THAT LINE AND WHY WERE THE CURTAINS DIFFERENT. Minus -50, because SHUT THE FUCK UP. So plus 50, actually.
Total: -20
THE WINS.
-Robert Pattinson was like sooooo hot and sooooo Edward. Plus 20, because he was.
-Charlie was kick-ass with his dry humor and shotgun. Plus 4, because no one expected it.
-That sexy bedroom kiss. Plus 5, because hot damn, no wonder RPattz fell off the bed.
-The baseball game. Plus 2, because it was pretty sweet.
-The humans. Plus 3. Two of those points are for the booty-shaking.
-Jacob was adorable and perfect. Plus 5, because he WAS.
-Plus 10 for awesome chemistry between everybody.
Total: 104
ACCORDING TO MY TALLIES THAT ADD UP TO NO SIGNIFICANT NUMBER AND FOLLOW NO LOGICAL SYSTEM, I'VE DEDUCED THAT TWILIGHT WINS.
I still give it 5 out of 5 Golden Onions and 1 mushroom ravioli for kicks, then.
TWILIGHT KILLS
aka robert pattinson is like sooooooooooo hot.
There was excitement, confusion and a little bit of fear in the air last night as millions of vampire- and werewolf-starved fanatics filled sold-out theaters across the country to see Twilight, the first (and sadly not the only) installment of SMeyer's cult vampire novel on the big screen.
In the movie Twilight, something amazing happened.
The combined talent of the screenwriters, the actors, the actresses, the extras and the crew accomplished something I didn't think was possible--I hoped it was possible, but I didn't think it was.
They took a crappy book, and they made it into an even crappier movie.
And I, for one, was stoked.
The movie starts with artistic sweeping shots of a defenseless deer in the middle of a cyan and emerald wilderness and a voice-over by Bella of the prologue, and then jets to Arizona for a bit of Phil and Renee, who were looking just as JAILBAIT lovely as the book described them.
So far, so good. It only started to get really ridiculous when every boy in the 3,000 or so population of Forks started fighting over Bella like she was the Heidi Klum to their Seal or something. Oh, and the slow motion walk of vampires into the cafeteria, perfectly timed to Jessica's introductions of them.
Oh, and the unnaturally extended period of time in which Bella let her long hair blow so tantalizingly by the whipping blades of the fan. And the part where Edward looks ready to projectile-vomit a vat of deer blood all over the room. Not to mention the constant look of constipation on Jasper's face. I bet he's had to take that dump for centuries. Now that I mention it however, Edward looked constipated a lot too. I bet it's because they're butt-fucking each other.
To put it clearly: IT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS. MADE OF EL-OH-EFFING-ELS.
I GIVE IT 5 OUT OF 5 OUT OF 5 GOLDEN ONIONS AND 1 EXTRA MUSHROOM RAVIOLI FOR KICKS.
Wait, I'm jumping ahead of the game. Disappointingly, it got better. Or worse, depending on how you look at it.
Because despite the unintentional funnies, there was honest-to-god serious moments eventually. And intentionally funny moments! Let's tally this up.
(I've used comment responses from lion_lamb to compile it all. Note: sortofbeautiful is completely lacking on movie discussion.)
THE FAILS.
-Vampire!constipation. Minus 10, because it happened a lot.
-Overacting. Minus 5, because 5 sounds good to me.
-Fast-paced. Minus 2, but plus 2 also because who the fuck cares. The faster it goes, the faster it's over. Even.
-Lack of B/E relationship development! Like OMG, they hardly talked! Minus 8,000, but plus 8,005, because it was still more relationship development than in the books. Oh snap, I went there.
-Way too cheesy. Minus 0, because really? HAHA really, it was cheesy? What book were you reading?
-Too many close-ups. Minus 2, because I guess it's valid.
-The SPARKLES. Minus 0, because Edward sparkles and why are you surprised something ridiculous was ridiculous?
-Jacob's wig. Minus 3, because he had a widow's peak.
-IT WASN'T THE BOOK EXACTLY. WHERE WAS THIS LINE AND THAT LINE AND WHY WERE THE CURTAINS DIFFERENT. Minus -50, because SHUT THE FUCK UP. So plus 50, actually.
Total: -20
THE WINS.
-Robert Pattinson was like sooooo hot and sooooo Edward. Plus 20, because he was.
-Charlie was kick-ass with his dry humor and shotgun. Plus 4, because no one expected it.
-That sexy bedroom kiss. Plus 5, because hot damn, no wonder RPattz fell off the bed.
-The baseball game. Plus 2, because it was pretty sweet.
-The humans. Plus 3. Two of those points are for the booty-shaking.
-Jacob was adorable and perfect. Plus 5, because he WAS.
-Plus 10 for awesome chemistry between everybody.
Total: 104
ACCORDING TO MY TALLIES THAT ADD UP TO NO SIGNIFICANT NUMBER AND FOLLOW NO LOGICAL SYSTEM, I'VE DEDUCED THAT TWILIGHT WINS.
I still give it 5 out of 5 Golden Onions and 1 mushroom ravioli for kicks, then.