(no subject)
A winter storm is advancing on me as I am writing this. Since nobody is willing to brave the weather to visit DD, our home will be just the 2 of us for the evening. Frankly, it doesn't bother me. I does bother DD. I wish I could either get her to understand and accept me, or change to make her happy.
The holidays suck. But I'm no different now than I am any other time of year. What I am is grumpy. I truly am a vision of old Scrooge. I don't hoard my money (since I don't have any) but I'm perfectly content to spend the days alone. Even the few hours that I "borrow" from DD's friends when they visit are more than enough for me. In fact, most of the time I have to psyche myself up for company. I just hate that I have to pretend to be glad that there are people here in my house intruding upon my self-imposed isolation.
I've worked at the same place for over a year and I have never asked anyone there if they wanted to go to lunch with me, or even to go to a movie or something. I was raised to keep school/home separate, and continued to live that philosophy to keeping work/home separate. I once made the mistake of letting myself fall for someone at work and was quite painfully reminded that sex and work should NEVER EVER EVER mix.
Even at work not that many people talk to me. I work in a room with 4 cubicles, and I'm the only that that is there most of the time. The other 3 cubicles are transiently occupied by 1) my supervisor who spends more time in meetings than Dilbert, 2) the IT director for the Eastern United states - always travelling, and 3) the in-house IT professional, always off tinkering on someone's computer. I rarely even see anyone during the day. The phone is my only companion...no, wait, the phone and the mail guy. Me and the mail guy see each other a LOT during the day. I have stacks of interoffice mail for him, he gives me BACK stacks of interoffice mail. See, I don't even get brought paperwork by the original people, they interoffice mail it to me. **sigh**
So, the holidays make me feel that much more withdrawn into my hermit shell. Normally I LIKE being alone. I can focus on what needs to be done and get it done. But all around me I hear all these exultations of cheer and joy - and frankly I feel like I'm missing out. I know that I've never had a particularly happy life, but I've come to accept that I will never be a member of the Jones family. I could care less about keeping up with them! I make my own happiness with my craft projects, my reading, my reading, my puzzles, my work, and ...well, that's pretty much it. This time of year it hits me like an arrow between my eyes how lonely I've made myself, and I feel like I should care more.
Mostly I feel sorry for DD. She is afraid to invite people over since she knows it bothers me, even though I've told her many times that I'll just go in the other room and read. After all, it's MY problem not hers.
I guess I've just learned that it's easier to stay curled up in the corner, away from the action than it is to get hurt.
Until I feel safe enough to dance, the wall is where I'll stay.
The holidays suck. But I'm no different now than I am any other time of year. What I am is grumpy. I truly am a vision of old Scrooge. I don't hoard my money (since I don't have any) but I'm perfectly content to spend the days alone. Even the few hours that I "borrow" from DD's friends when they visit are more than enough for me. In fact, most of the time I have to psyche myself up for company. I just hate that I have to pretend to be glad that there are people here in my house intruding upon my self-imposed isolation.
I've worked at the same place for over a year and I have never asked anyone there if they wanted to go to lunch with me, or even to go to a movie or something. I was raised to keep school/home separate, and continued to live that philosophy to keeping work/home separate. I once made the mistake of letting myself fall for someone at work and was quite painfully reminded that sex and work should NEVER EVER EVER mix.
Even at work not that many people talk to me. I work in a room with 4 cubicles, and I'm the only that that is there most of the time. The other 3 cubicles are transiently occupied by 1) my supervisor who spends more time in meetings than Dilbert, 2) the IT director for the Eastern United states - always travelling, and 3) the in-house IT professional, always off tinkering on someone's computer. I rarely even see anyone during the day. The phone is my only companion...no, wait, the phone and the mail guy. Me and the mail guy see each other a LOT during the day. I have stacks of interoffice mail for him, he gives me BACK stacks of interoffice mail. See, I don't even get brought paperwork by the original people, they interoffice mail it to me. **sigh**
So, the holidays make me feel that much more withdrawn into my hermit shell. Normally I LIKE being alone. I can focus on what needs to be done and get it done. But all around me I hear all these exultations of cheer and joy - and frankly I feel like I'm missing out. I know that I've never had a particularly happy life, but I've come to accept that I will never be a member of the Jones family. I could care less about keeping up with them! I make my own happiness with my craft projects, my reading, my reading, my puzzles, my work, and ...well, that's pretty much it. This time of year it hits me like an arrow between my eyes how lonely I've made myself, and I feel like I should care more.
Mostly I feel sorry for DD. She is afraid to invite people over since she knows it bothers me, even though I've told her many times that I'll just go in the other room and read. After all, it's MY problem not hers.
I guess I've just learned that it's easier to stay curled up in the corner, away from the action than it is to get hurt.
Until I feel safe enough to dance, the wall is where I'll stay.