Another Year Down
On this, the 28th Anniversary of my Birth, I find myself dragging my feet as I do most years. The real difference is this year unlike the past couple I don't have to put on a fake smile and laugh at jokes as people swarm me. I got some unexpected texts of well wishing from people I didn't even expect and still make me curious as to how they knew it was my birthday, but I won't dwell on that.
I had my ritual cry start up a little before one last night so I quickly retired to my nice big pillow and just laid there for an hour until I was too tired to stay conscious. Woke up to a smathering of texts and missed calls and the only thought I had was I wish I was working so I could kill this day quicker. Instead I just went back to bed and slept until 12:30-1ish this afternoon, the latest I've slept for months.
As I was telling one person a half an hour ago, thanks for taking the time to talk with me brother, birthdays are usually something people use to celebrate with much jubilation and titilation. All I see it as is another year down to reflect on how little impact I've had, how much time I have amounted to nothing, and the handful of people I keep at an arm's length distance. Missed opportunities, things gone and past, people that didn't make it who would have been better to keep around than me. The usual pessimistic, self-loathing crap.
Even with the good news and possible opportunity I was offered on Friday, I can't even really smile or be happy about it.
And to think... I thought 2010 was going to be the year I managed to turn things around. It started off so well...