ive reached a low.
i sliped again today.
during 4th. all i wanted to do was sit there and listen to my linkin park and fall alseep on a few chairs the whole period. davila called me in and told me he wants to practice with me and that there was something wrong with my report card (since UIL is next weds. he gets the grades before they come out cuz yea...ineligability...) turns out coach martinez gave me a 60 for turning in my paper late. which he sayd he was going to give me a 85...so...i went to the bathroom...cried...came back...grabbed a saftey pin from my backpack and went into the percusion room and took rage on my arm...i seriously...do not need that right now. im about to kill someone for happiness, i hate it. im so tired...and about to pass out. got my clarinet..cried as i pulled it out...wiped the tears then went to get my folder in the library and teared up again, wiped them away. went into davilas office and he asked what was wrong and i said nothing in the fakest way possible cuz i didnt want to talk about it. he sayd u dont wanna play? and i just sat there silent as i put my intrument together and then sayd i dont care. he changed some of my parts..which kinda sucks..but not. i explained to him about the coach martinez thing and he understood why. he let me go 30 min early so i grabbed my cd player and tried to go to sleep..but couldnt so i got up and stared out the band windows until about 15 mins til pracitce (4:15) looking at all those people made me mad. they dont have to worry about being the best. all they do is go to school get there HS degree and hope that they get into some low class college so they can grow up and be a telemarketer. wasteing thier time and money on high fashons, louis vitton and prada purses; gucci sweatsuits; and all their fubu and sean john jeans...and me? ive explained it so many times before and i know some of you are tired of my bitching and moaning about how i have a stressed life n all. i cant take it. i feel like a machine now...no randomness...no time for me...all for other people. no freedom...2nd chair is just not good enough...im not that good enough...i suck. vicky gets annoyed how i sometimes forget to play things in the music and if i play them wrong she tells me and her tone is just...so...harsh. davila helps me with it i just dont liek playing it over and over again cuz i lose it more often like that.im sorry im not as good as vicky and im sorry i didnt go to clements where they are the perfect lil marching band. ill try my best tho as long as u give me time. dad complains that i dont talk to him anymore...I DONT HAVE TIME!!...if i dont even have time to take a nap...or eat then i certainly dont have time to sit and have a nice family talk or something. moms being wierd i dunno why...get mad at me for little things and plus not talking to her as much either...all this after school practice is getting to me...no one goes to them....and the people who go...already know thier music...and has pretty much memorized it..then i have 30 mins to eat my dinner which was picked up by my dad or mom and pick up steph on the way to drivers ed...sit in class for 2 hours trying to make the best of it. go home...call alan and talk to him...but hes always playing computer games, sidetracked by that while i bitch and moan about how crappy and tireing my day was. only for him to get tired a lil while later and ask to get off the fone. then i toss and turn for a while and then finaly fall asleep...only for it to start all over again. ive said once before and i will say it again...i just want to go to sleep and never wake up...i just want to fall out of exsistance...when i was staring at the window listening to my music...i teared up...no one came up to me and asked me if i was okay...just chris...that was it...i lied to him tho. no i dont feel okay, wanna see what i did during 4th period and the night before last nite? i should have said that. you attention starving bitch. you just want everyone to see ur scars n scabs so everyone will give u the sympathy you so want. yeah thats what i want, i want to be loved just like anyone else. it might be a wrong way of getting attention...but its not my main purpose in why i do it. i still dont understand. i dont feel it anymore. im gone. seriously. not insane...just...not here. maybe a little bit...im online but im in the other room. im open for business but im still in the storageroom...im occupying space as of now. Erin Brady is a stupid pshycotic bitch. she bashes herself on livejournal infront of the world to see and comment on. she might not be very smart but she certainly does understand the importance of expressing herself. your a stupid bitch. im a stupid bitch. ha. lets tie a rope to the celing and hang that bitch. it would be great fun!
alans not going to be home tonite...so...steph hasnt called me back...nor is she answering the fone now. excuse me now.
during 4th. all i wanted to do was sit there and listen to my linkin park and fall alseep on a few chairs the whole period. davila called me in and told me he wants to practice with me and that there was something wrong with my report card (since UIL is next weds. he gets the grades before they come out cuz yea...ineligability...) turns out coach martinez gave me a 60 for turning in my paper late. which he sayd he was going to give me a 85...so...i went to the bathroom...cried...came back...grabbed a saftey pin from my backpack and went into the percusion room and took rage on my arm...i seriously...do not need that right now. im about to kill someone for happiness, i hate it. im so tired...and about to pass out. got my clarinet..cried as i pulled it out...wiped the tears then went to get my folder in the library and teared up again, wiped them away. went into davilas office and he asked what was wrong and i said nothing in the fakest way possible cuz i didnt want to talk about it. he sayd u dont wanna play? and i just sat there silent as i put my intrument together and then sayd i dont care. he changed some of my parts..which kinda sucks..but not. i explained to him about the coach martinez thing and he understood why. he let me go 30 min early so i grabbed my cd player and tried to go to sleep..but couldnt so i got up and stared out the band windows until about 15 mins til pracitce (4:15) looking at all those people made me mad. they dont have to worry about being the best. all they do is go to school get there HS degree and hope that they get into some low class college so they can grow up and be a telemarketer. wasteing thier time and money on high fashons, louis vitton and prada purses; gucci sweatsuits; and all their fubu and sean john jeans...and me? ive explained it so many times before and i know some of you are tired of my bitching and moaning about how i have a stressed life n all. i cant take it. i feel like a machine now...no randomness...no time for me...all for other people. no freedom...2nd chair is just not good enough...im not that good enough...i suck. vicky gets annoyed how i sometimes forget to play things in the music and if i play them wrong she tells me and her tone is just...so...harsh. davila helps me with it i just dont liek playing it over and over again cuz i lose it more often like that.im sorry im not as good as vicky and im sorry i didnt go to clements where they are the perfect lil marching band. ill try my best tho as long as u give me time. dad complains that i dont talk to him anymore...I DONT HAVE TIME!!...if i dont even have time to take a nap...or eat then i certainly dont have time to sit and have a nice family talk or something. moms being wierd i dunno why...get mad at me for little things and plus not talking to her as much either...all this after school practice is getting to me...no one goes to them....and the people who go...already know thier music...and has pretty much memorized it..then i have 30 mins to eat my dinner which was picked up by my dad or mom and pick up steph on the way to drivers ed...sit in class for 2 hours trying to make the best of it. go home...call alan and talk to him...but hes always playing computer games, sidetracked by that while i bitch and moan about how crappy and tireing my day was. only for him to get tired a lil while later and ask to get off the fone. then i toss and turn for a while and then finaly fall asleep...only for it to start all over again. ive said once before and i will say it again...i just want to go to sleep and never wake up...i just want to fall out of exsistance...when i was staring at the window listening to my music...i teared up...no one came up to me and asked me if i was okay...just chris...that was it...i lied to him tho. no i dont feel okay, wanna see what i did during 4th period and the night before last nite? i should have said that. you attention starving bitch. you just want everyone to see ur scars n scabs so everyone will give u the sympathy you so want. yeah thats what i want, i want to be loved just like anyone else. it might be a wrong way of getting attention...but its not my main purpose in why i do it. i still dont understand. i dont feel it anymore. im gone. seriously. not insane...just...not here. maybe a little bit...im online but im in the other room. im open for business but im still in the storageroom...im occupying space as of now. Erin Brady is a stupid pshycotic bitch. she bashes herself on livejournal infront of the world to see and comment on. she might not be very smart but she certainly does understand the importance of expressing herself. your a stupid bitch. im a stupid bitch. ha. lets tie a rope to the celing and hang that bitch. it would be great fun!
alans not going to be home tonite...so...steph hasnt called me back...nor is she answering the fone now. excuse me now.