fuck: a polemic by dylan
I'm utterly gone tonight. I came home from school after 45 minutes alone in the squad room and just lost it. Shit has been pileing up on me and everyday I go into school with a smile on my face with some strange self-confidence. Now I feel like I'm living a fucked up lie.
I flirt shamelessly with everyone. As harmless at it seems now it feels terrible. I have noone I love here. Noone to put my arms around so instead I steach in every pretty face I see for that person. The weird thing is this year, people dont just look back in amusment, some look back with actual interest. And now I think Im hurting everyone. I'm an indecisive asshole who leads people on. I guess I need to know, honestly, how often do I come off bad, how often am I a plain asshole? This is not a line for compliments, I really need to know.
I always said that all that bullshit about this "terrible" jr year was hype but maybe some of it is true. Not cause of plain school. But because so many of us took a hit this year, so many of us have been hurt so resently that all this stress and all these expectations have come to a head, in debate im competeing on a higher level than i ever have before. in school, there is not only more to do, but more reasons why it has to be done. and in romance, my life is more confusing than Slavoj Zizek analysing a David Lynch film. (least i havent lost some humor).
I have this overwheling desire to make everyone absolutely clear on how i feel tonight, about who i am. Cause really I think so many people think so many wrong things. My friends are so wrapped in troubles of their own I cant even talk to them.
I really love people. I cant help it, it's a weakness of mine. And I guess I want everyone to like me, not just tolerate me, but understand who I am, in all my faults.
Its shameful how much of my wants surround women. Not in some asshole perverted way but goddamn, i just want a companion. A girl who loves philosophy, and music and fucking emo shit. A person who respects me and understands me and actually cares what happens to me. More than anything someone who is mature. I've had a girl like this before and maybe I'll have this girl again. I hope so, cause otherwise I wont last the year.
What a way to break a livejournal fast eh? If you'll excuse me ive got a pile of ToK and a bag of choclate covered expresso beans calling my name.