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Title: How I Met Your Mother
Note: BECAUSE I CAN. I'm not sure who the mother would be but I'd love writing this because I basically ship Naruto with everyone aside from Sasuke and Sakura. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Kids, I’m going to tell you an incredible story.
The story of how I met your mother.
Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other life.
I was twenty-seven and just starting to make it as an architect and living in downtown Konoha with your Uncle Sasuke.
My life was good.
And then your Uncle Sasuke went and screwed the whole thing up.
“My life sucks.”
Sasuke rolled his eyes. “Your life doesn’t suck.”
“No, seriously, my life sucks!”
“Your life doesn’t suck,” Sakura said, taking a seat beside Sasuke. We eyed the eight shots of tequila sitting beside her glass of wine on the tray the bartender gave her. She ignored our disapproving stares and shrugged. “Listen, this my rare day off. I’m going to spend it unwinding.”
“Right,” Sasuke drawled, taking one of the shot glasses. “By which you mean feeding your alcoholism, right?”
“You’re ridiculous, Sakura-chan.” I rolled my eyes at her and stole one of the shots because, well, why not? The three of us clinked glasses and downed them. I winced as the alcohol ran down my throat. “Ugh.” I couldn’t help but frown at Sakura. “Are those all for you?”
She nodded. “Plus the one you’ll get me to make up for what you just took.” She gave me one of her typical crazy Sakura smiles. “Now, why exactly do you think your life sucks?”
“Because it does!”
Sasuke rolled his eyes again. “Your life doesn’t suck.”
It was easy for the two of them to tell me my life didn’t suck when both of theirs were working out fabulously.
Sakura was a second-year surgical resident working ridiculously long shifts and spending whatever time she could getting trashed. She was a lot younger than most people at her level because she was one of those gifted kids that graduate from university at age eighteen somehow. Still, she was renowned among others in her field (apparently) and was just recently promoted to Chief Resident (whatever the heck that is). Sasuke worked for his grandfather, head of Uchiha Corp. To be honest, none of us really knew what Sasuke did, or, you know, whether or not it was legal, but we knew there was some import/export, business-oriented, whatever aspect to it. Whatever. He just wore a lot of suits and had a really awesome briefcase and while he had enough money to be living alone, he still stuck around with me.
“My life sucks.”
I was persistent. I had every right to be! My life did suck.
“Your life doesn’t suck,” Sasuke practically shouted. “You’re just being a little baby.”
“Yes it does! I’m single, I’m unemployed, and I’m going nowhere in life!”
“Your life doesn’t suck!” Sakura threw one of her used lemon wedges at me and I threw it back. “You’re just bitchy because Shion dumped you, you quit your job at KU, and now your daily accomplishments consist of actually putting on pants and updating your blog.”
Sakura wasn’t entirely wrong.
Shion and I broke up - a mutual decision - three months ago after being together for two years. And I’d been lecturing at KU since I finished my MA. But most importantly-
“BITCH, MY BLOG IS FABULOUS.”
Super fabulous.
Sakura waved a hand, her signal for yeah-sure-whatever-now-shut-up. “My point is, you’re not moving because you don’t want to move. You’re not putting yourself out there with girls and you’re not applying for new jobs. Seriously, all you do is come down here and drink beers.” She looked down at my stomach and made a face. “You could at least spend your time finishing that P90X thing you bought and never got past one week of.”
“Sasuke’s only finished two weeks,” I said babyishly, kind of (totally) avoiding her point. “He should work out too.”
Sasuke threw another lemon wedge at me. “Yes, but I have a job.”
“You’re basically your grandpa’s bitch!” Really, it was true! “And you’re not seeing anyone so-”
And then I saw it - the right-about-that… look Sasuke and Sakura shared.
No. Fucking. Way.
“…you’re not seeing anyone, right?” I wasn’t even sure who I was talking to. I looked at Sasuke and then at Sakura. “Guys?”
Sakura winced. “Right. About that.” She paused and then seemed to think another shot of tequila would be the best way to go. “Sasuke, do you have anything you’d like to share?”
He only gave her a dirty look and I just knew.
“MY BEST FRIENDS?!” I couldn’t help it. I knew I was being dramatic but- “We’re supposed to be bros,” I pointed out to Sasuke, clutching my heart for effect. “How could you betray me for some woman?!”
“Excuse you!” Sakura waved a hand in my face. “First of all, I’m a better wing man to you than Sasuke will ever me. Secondly, how is this betrayal?”
They didn’t get it. If the two of them became a couple, we wouldn’t be the three musketeers anymore. We’d be SasuSaku - the couple name I thought would be best for them - and Naruto. SasuSaku and Naruto. God, it sounded like some awful wannabe rock band.
“How long have you two been together?!” I asked. Calmly. Sort of.
Sakura shrugged and looked away so Sasuke answered, “Nine months.”
…NINE. MONTHS?!
“HOW COULD YOU HAVE KEPT THIS A SECRET FOR NINE MONTHS?!”
But suddenly things just made sense. How Sasuke was always “working late,” how weirdly close the two of them were, Shion’s “When did Sasuke and Sakura get together?” question that made absolutely no sense to me at the time. What. What. WHAT.
“You guys have been dating for nine months.” I stole one of the tequila shots and downed it despite Sakura’s disapproving glare. “This is so weird.”
Sakura looked genuinely concerned. “Nothing has to change, Naruto.”
But the truth was, everything did.
Because a few months later Sasuke proposed.
Note: BECAUSE I CAN. I'm not sure who the mother would be but I'd love writing this because I basically ship Naruto with everyone aside from Sasuke and Sakura. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Kids, I’m going to tell you an incredible story.
The story of how I met your mother.
Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other life.
I was twenty-seven and just starting to make it as an architect and living in downtown Konoha with your Uncle Sasuke.
My life was good.
And then your Uncle Sasuke went and screwed the whole thing up.
“My life sucks.”
Sasuke rolled his eyes. “Your life doesn’t suck.”
“No, seriously, my life sucks!”
“Your life doesn’t suck,” Sakura said, taking a seat beside Sasuke. We eyed the eight shots of tequila sitting beside her glass of wine on the tray the bartender gave her. She ignored our disapproving stares and shrugged. “Listen, this my rare day off. I’m going to spend it unwinding.”
“Right,” Sasuke drawled, taking one of the shot glasses. “By which you mean feeding your alcoholism, right?”
“You’re ridiculous, Sakura-chan.” I rolled my eyes at her and stole one of the shots because, well, why not? The three of us clinked glasses and downed them. I winced as the alcohol ran down my throat. “Ugh.” I couldn’t help but frown at Sakura. “Are those all for you?”
She nodded. “Plus the one you’ll get me to make up for what you just took.” She gave me one of her typical crazy Sakura smiles. “Now, why exactly do you think your life sucks?”
“Because it does!”
Sasuke rolled his eyes again. “Your life doesn’t suck.”
It was easy for the two of them to tell me my life didn’t suck when both of theirs were working out fabulously.
Sakura was a second-year surgical resident working ridiculously long shifts and spending whatever time she could getting trashed. She was a lot younger than most people at her level because she was one of those gifted kids that graduate from university at age eighteen somehow. Still, she was renowned among others in her field (apparently) and was just recently promoted to Chief Resident (whatever the heck that is). Sasuke worked for his grandfather, head of Uchiha Corp. To be honest, none of us really knew what Sasuke did, or, you know, whether or not it was legal, but we knew there was some import/export, business-oriented, whatever aspect to it. Whatever. He just wore a lot of suits and had a really awesome briefcase and while he had enough money to be living alone, he still stuck around with me.
“My life sucks.”
I was persistent. I had every right to be! My life did suck.
“Your life doesn’t suck,” Sasuke practically shouted. “You’re just being a little baby.”
“Yes it does! I’m single, I’m unemployed, and I’m going nowhere in life!”
“Your life doesn’t suck!” Sakura threw one of her used lemon wedges at me and I threw it back. “You’re just bitchy because Shion dumped you, you quit your job at KU, and now your daily accomplishments consist of actually putting on pants and updating your blog.”
Sakura wasn’t entirely wrong.
Shion and I broke up - a mutual decision - three months ago after being together for two years. And I’d been lecturing at KU since I finished my MA. But most importantly-
“BITCH, MY BLOG IS FABULOUS.”
Super fabulous.
Sakura waved a hand, her signal for yeah-sure-whatever-now-shut-up. “My point is, you’re not moving because you don’t want to move. You’re not putting yourself out there with girls and you’re not applying for new jobs. Seriously, all you do is come down here and drink beers.” She looked down at my stomach and made a face. “You could at least spend your time finishing that P90X thing you bought and never got past one week of.”
“Sasuke’s only finished two weeks,” I said babyishly, kind of (totally) avoiding her point. “He should work out too.”
Sasuke threw another lemon wedge at me. “Yes, but I have a job.”
“You’re basically your grandpa’s bitch!” Really, it was true! “And you’re not seeing anyone so-”
And then I saw it - the right-about-that… look Sasuke and Sakura shared.
No. Fucking. Way.
“…you’re not seeing anyone, right?” I wasn’t even sure who I was talking to. I looked at Sasuke and then at Sakura. “Guys?”
Sakura winced. “Right. About that.” She paused and then seemed to think another shot of tequila would be the best way to go. “Sasuke, do you have anything you’d like to share?”
He only gave her a dirty look and I just knew.
“MY BEST FRIENDS?!” I couldn’t help it. I knew I was being dramatic but- “We’re supposed to be bros,” I pointed out to Sasuke, clutching my heart for effect. “How could you betray me for some woman?!”
“Excuse you!” Sakura waved a hand in my face. “First of all, I’m a better wing man to you than Sasuke will ever me. Secondly, how is this betrayal?”
They didn’t get it. If the two of them became a couple, we wouldn’t be the three musketeers anymore. We’d be SasuSaku - the couple name I thought would be best for them - and Naruto. SasuSaku and Naruto. God, it sounded like some awful wannabe rock band.
“How long have you two been together?!” I asked. Calmly. Sort of.
Sakura shrugged and looked away so Sasuke answered, “Nine months.”
…NINE. MONTHS?!
“HOW COULD YOU HAVE KEPT THIS A SECRET FOR NINE MONTHS?!”
But suddenly things just made sense. How Sasuke was always “working late,” how weirdly close the two of them were, Shion’s “When did Sasuke and Sakura get together?” question that made absolutely no sense to me at the time. What. What. WHAT.
“You guys have been dating for nine months.” I stole one of the tequila shots and downed it despite Sakura’s disapproving glare. “This is so weird.”
Sakura looked genuinely concerned. “Nothing has to change, Naruto.”
But the truth was, everything did.
Because a few months later Sasuke proposed.