Another Emo post
Yes, another emo post. I'm not forcing you to read it if you don't want, but you've had fair warning.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Over the past month or two that's not really been that bad of a thing because no matter how much I thought I stayed in a good mood, and a few times taking time to just sit arround and think actually put me in an even better mood.
A while back I decided to just start trying to have a good day every day merely by will power alone. Yes, I had days where I'd be down or work would get to me and I'd be pissed, but for the most part I would get over it quickly and go back to being in a good mood. But today I started to think what if I'm hiding from the truth and that my life's still on the road to disaster.
I would mainly get depressed in the past because college is going horrible. Even if it were going great and I were on the verge of graduating, I still have no clue what I'm going to do after I get my diploma. The past month or two I kept telling myself that I just needed to take it one step at a time. Since Computer Science didn't seem to be working out I decided it'd be best to look into changing majors. Of course I'm already so far into Computer Science that I wouldn't want to just jump ship to another major if there's any way I could finish out with this one. Also I'm not sure if there's a certain point in your accademic career where if you reach so many hours and still haven't graduated they just say "Hey, that's enough. Go get a job." And if there is i have no clue how close i am to that point. I'm not even sure if staying at UNA would be best.
So finally, after deliberating over this for almost an entire year I decided I simply didn't have enough information to make a wise decision. So obviously the first step would be to go arround and talk to the heads of departments in the majors I'm thinking about in both places and see what I can find out about each one, and maybe that way figure out what I'm best suited for.
I hate that my brain moves faster than I can. It's frustrating.
But anyway, with the way my place of employment was working me I knew I wouldn't have time to do this all in one day, and I'd really like to do that...just start it and get it all over with before i drag it out too long.
And so I decided that the next business day after i quit (that'll be this upcoming monday) I'd go get at least one of the colleges taken care of, and then do the other one soon afterwards.
So every time within the past month or two that I've started thinking about college or my future career, I just reminded myself to take it one step at a time and that i couldn't do anything about it untill November 12. That reassured me and I went back to happier thoughts.
Well now I've just started stressing. I mean i'm 24, getting closer to 25 and I still live at home. I've never had to worry about a car payment, insurance, my own medical bills...hell, I haven't even had to pay for my own gas. And god damnit, I know you're just gonna say "Yea, that sounds so horrible. I'm glad my life isn't that rough." in that fucking irritating sarcastic tone of yours. But the point is, I'm not saying my life is rough. It's not. At all. It's a piece of cake. But how fucking long can it stay that way when I have no real world experience whatsoever.
What if it turns out I'm just not cut out for college? Will I be able to find a job anywhere that'll keep me alive? And if i do will i be able to keep my sanity through it?
(You've crossed the finish line
won the race but lost your mind
was it worth it after all?)
I feel like such a freaking failure at life though. And honestly I hardly even care about the fact that I've never had a girlfriend anymore. I don't give a damn if i go through my entire life a virgin, i really don't see anything wrong with that. And I've got friends who I know will always be there for me (provided I don't do something extremely stupid to run all of them off as well). But I feel I'm a failure because i don't see much success for myself in the future.
I used to take pride in my ability to cheer up friends whenever they were down. That's why I make so many jokes at my own expense, I just love to make people laugh and see the people I care about happy. But lately it doesn't even seem I'm capable of cheering people up anymore.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I get so depressed over shit like this? And if this stuff really bothers me so much, then why can't or won't I do anything about it? It's the same stuff I've been stressing about since 2001 and yet I still haven't succeeded in fixing all my problems.
God why do i hate everything so much right now.
Comments have been disabled. Don't even bother trying to tell me to quit being emo 'cause I'll just respond with a big "fuck you".
Summary:
I'm not depressed about the present. Never have been. My present situation is great. The future scares the shit out of me and i find that depressing.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Over the past month or two that's not really been that bad of a thing because no matter how much I thought I stayed in a good mood, and a few times taking time to just sit arround and think actually put me in an even better mood.
A while back I decided to just start trying to have a good day every day merely by will power alone. Yes, I had days where I'd be down or work would get to me and I'd be pissed, but for the most part I would get over it quickly and go back to being in a good mood. But today I started to think what if I'm hiding from the truth and that my life's still on the road to disaster.
I would mainly get depressed in the past because college is going horrible. Even if it were going great and I were on the verge of graduating, I still have no clue what I'm going to do after I get my diploma. The past month or two I kept telling myself that I just needed to take it one step at a time. Since Computer Science didn't seem to be working out I decided it'd be best to look into changing majors. Of course I'm already so far into Computer Science that I wouldn't want to just jump ship to another major if there's any way I could finish out with this one. Also I'm not sure if there's a certain point in your accademic career where if you reach so many hours and still haven't graduated they just say "Hey, that's enough. Go get a job." And if there is i have no clue how close i am to that point. I'm not even sure if staying at UNA would be best.
So finally, after deliberating over this for almost an entire year I decided I simply didn't have enough information to make a wise decision. So obviously the first step would be to go arround and talk to the heads of departments in the majors I'm thinking about in both places and see what I can find out about each one, and maybe that way figure out what I'm best suited for.
I hate that my brain moves faster than I can. It's frustrating.
But anyway, with the way my place of employment was working me I knew I wouldn't have time to do this all in one day, and I'd really like to do that...just start it and get it all over with before i drag it out too long.
And so I decided that the next business day after i quit (that'll be this upcoming monday) I'd go get at least one of the colleges taken care of, and then do the other one soon afterwards.
So every time within the past month or two that I've started thinking about college or my future career, I just reminded myself to take it one step at a time and that i couldn't do anything about it untill November 12. That reassured me and I went back to happier thoughts.
Well now I've just started stressing. I mean i'm 24, getting closer to 25 and I still live at home. I've never had to worry about a car payment, insurance, my own medical bills...hell, I haven't even had to pay for my own gas. And god damnit, I know you're just gonna say "Yea, that sounds so horrible. I'm glad my life isn't that rough." in that fucking irritating sarcastic tone of yours. But the point is, I'm not saying my life is rough. It's not. At all. It's a piece of cake. But how fucking long can it stay that way when I have no real world experience whatsoever.
What if it turns out I'm just not cut out for college? Will I be able to find a job anywhere that'll keep me alive? And if i do will i be able to keep my sanity through it?
(You've crossed the finish line
won the race but lost your mind
was it worth it after all?)
I feel like such a freaking failure at life though. And honestly I hardly even care about the fact that I've never had a girlfriend anymore. I don't give a damn if i go through my entire life a virgin, i really don't see anything wrong with that. And I've got friends who I know will always be there for me (provided I don't do something extremely stupid to run all of them off as well). But I feel I'm a failure because i don't see much success for myself in the future.
I used to take pride in my ability to cheer up friends whenever they were down. That's why I make so many jokes at my own expense, I just love to make people laugh and see the people I care about happy. But lately it doesn't even seem I'm capable of cheering people up anymore.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I get so depressed over shit like this? And if this stuff really bothers me so much, then why can't or won't I do anything about it? It's the same stuff I've been stressing about since 2001 and yet I still haven't succeeded in fixing all my problems.
God why do i hate everything so much right now.
Comments have been disabled. Don't even bother trying to tell me to quit being emo 'cause I'll just respond with a big "fuck you".
Summary:
I'm not depressed about the present. Never have been. My present situation is great. The future scares the shit out of me and i find that depressing.