(no subject)
Although the Schiavo case is old news (thank goodness), someone posted this on our listserv at work that is pretty damn funny
The Florida Living Will
I _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and
body, unequivocally declare that in the event of a catastrophic injury,
I do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. I
hereby instruct my loved ones and relatives to remove all life-support
systems, once it has been determined that my brain is no longer
functioning in a cognizant realm. However, that judgment should be made
only after thorough consultation with medical experts; i.e., individuals
who actually have been trained, educated and certified doctors. Under
no circumstances -- and I can't state this too strongly --should my
fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass
ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. Furthermore, it is
my firm hope that, when the time comes, any discussion about
terminating my medical treatment should remain private and
confidential. Living in Florida, however, I am acutely aware that the
legislative and executive branches of state government are fond of
meddling in family matters, and have little concern for the privacy and
dignity of individuals. Therefore, I wish to make my views on this
subject as clear and unambiguous as possible. Recognizing that some
politicians seem cerebrally challenged themselves (and with no medical
excuse), I'll try to keep this simple and to the point:
1. While remaining sensitive to the feelings of loved ones who might
cling to hope for my recovery, let me state that if a reasonable amount
of time passes -- say, ____ (fill in the blank) months -- and I fail to
sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever
get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my
spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the
tubes and call it a day.
2. Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a
special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that
these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead
to the health, education and future of the millions of Floridians who
aren't in a permanent coma.
3. Under no circumstances shall the governor of Florida butt into this
case and order my doctors to put a feeding tube down my throat or
through a hole into my abdomen to keep me alive. I don't care how many
fundamentalist votes he's trying to scrounge for his run for the
presidency in 2008, it is my wish that he plays politics with someone
else's life and leaves me to die in peace.
4. I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to
legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these
people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on
my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.
5. It is my heartfelt wish to expire quietly and without a public
spectacle. This is obviously impossible once elected officials become
involved. So, while recognizing the wrenching emotions that attend the
prolonged death of a loved one, I hereby instruct my relatives to settle
all disagreements about my care in private or in the courts, as provided
by law. If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case
into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and
make his or her existence a living hell.