(no subject)
I haven't written anything satirical in a while, and I thought this was clever :)
GEICO AGENT: Hello, and thank you for insuring with GEICO! How may I help you?
CUSTOMER: Hi, I used to be insured with GEICO through my employer, but I was laid off recently and I wanted to know if I can continue my policy?
GEICO AGENT: All right, I'll be happy to help you with the rate! Can I have your name please?
CUSTOMER: Jason Smith.
GEICO AGENT: Date of birth?
CUSTOMER: April 16, 1984.
GEICO AGENT: Current place of residence?
CUSTOMER: 103 Magnolia Street, New Brunswick, New Jersey.
GEICO AGENT: Last four of your social?
CUSTOMER: 9673.
GEICO AGENT: Mother's maiden name?
CUSTOMER: Cameron.
GEICO AGENT: What kind of vehicle do you drive?
CUSTOMER: 2004 Honda Civic.
GEICO AGENT: Pre-existing conditions?
CUSTOMER: Nope, I have a clear driving record.
GEICO AGENT: All right, I have your file up here. Your new monthly quote will be $613.48, would you like to set up Autopay to save you time when making payments?
CUSTOMER: $613.48! That's more than my rent!
GEICO AGENT: If it's any consolation, sir, you can rest assured that you already have been paying this much on a monthly basis throughout the duration of your employment, it was just taken out before you got your paycheck. So really nothing's different!
CUSTOMER: There's no way I can afford to pay this much for car insurance. I might as well ride a bike from now on.
GEICO AGENT: Well sir, I strongly urge you to reconsider. Car insurance mandates are going to be going into effect soon. Perhaps you would like to enroll in a simpler individual plan? I'd be happy to tell you about our "Super Saver" Program.
CUSTOMER: All right, that sounds reasonable. What is the monthly quote for that?
GEICO AGENT: That's going to be $362.14 with a $500 deductible.
CUSTOMER: That's still an awful lot of money for simple coverage. What am I covered for?
GEICO AGENT: You are covered for full liability and collision in amounts up to $100,000, hospital stays up to $50,000, emergency roadside assistance, eye exams, new paint jobs, oil changes, stereo/video system upgrades...
CUSTOMER: Wait, wait, I don't want any of that! All I want is to be covered for basic liability and collision. I can pay for my oil changes out of pocket. I don't even want a stereo upgrade in my car.
GEICO AGENT: I'm sorry sir, but these are state mandates. All auto insurance companies are required by law to include these services as part of their packages.
CUSTOMER: Ugh. Ok, so for upgrades and tune-ups and the like, I simply take it to the shop and send you the bill?
GEICO AGENT: Not quite. First you have to select a Primary Care Mechanic who must abide by CMO regulations, and get his signature on a referral to another specialist mechanic if you want something fixed.
CUSTOMER: I think this is ridiculous. I'm going to go with another insurer.
GEICO AGENT: Well good luck with that, they are all going to offer you the same minimum packages we have, and I guarantee you you won't find better reviews on any auto insurance companies than ours. That's why we have 90% of the market share in the state.
CUSTOMER: Then I'll find one in a different state, car insurance is only half as much in the southern states.
GEICO AGENT: That's illegal.
CUSTOMER: So I'm stuck with you?
GEICO AGENT: Yep.
CUSTOMER: Well, I suppose I don't have much of a choice. I guess you can start sending me the bills.
GEICO AGENT: Excellent, I'm glad we could be of service!
CUSTOMER: You know, in Canada they give all this stuff away for free. Liability and collision are free, tune-ups are free, gas is free, none of it costs a dime. When the new legislation passes, your sorry ass is going to be out of a job.
GEICO AGENT: This company predicts increased revenues after the legislation. Sorry you missed out on single payer, but hopefully the private mandates will work in your favor. I know they'll work in ours.
GEICO AGENT: Hello, and thank you for insuring with GEICO! How may I help you?
CUSTOMER: Hi, I used to be insured with GEICO through my employer, but I was laid off recently and I wanted to know if I can continue my policy?
GEICO AGENT: All right, I'll be happy to help you with the rate! Can I have your name please?
CUSTOMER: Jason Smith.
GEICO AGENT: Date of birth?
CUSTOMER: April 16, 1984.
GEICO AGENT: Current place of residence?
CUSTOMER: 103 Magnolia Street, New Brunswick, New Jersey.
GEICO AGENT: Last four of your social?
CUSTOMER: 9673.
GEICO AGENT: Mother's maiden name?
CUSTOMER: Cameron.
GEICO AGENT: What kind of vehicle do you drive?
CUSTOMER: 2004 Honda Civic.
GEICO AGENT: Pre-existing conditions?
CUSTOMER: Nope, I have a clear driving record.
GEICO AGENT: All right, I have your file up here. Your new monthly quote will be $613.48, would you like to set up Autopay to save you time when making payments?
CUSTOMER: $613.48! That's more than my rent!
GEICO AGENT: If it's any consolation, sir, you can rest assured that you already have been paying this much on a monthly basis throughout the duration of your employment, it was just taken out before you got your paycheck. So really nothing's different!
CUSTOMER: There's no way I can afford to pay this much for car insurance. I might as well ride a bike from now on.
GEICO AGENT: Well sir, I strongly urge you to reconsider. Car insurance mandates are going to be going into effect soon. Perhaps you would like to enroll in a simpler individual plan? I'd be happy to tell you about our "Super Saver" Program.
CUSTOMER: All right, that sounds reasonable. What is the monthly quote for that?
GEICO AGENT: That's going to be $362.14 with a $500 deductible.
CUSTOMER: That's still an awful lot of money for simple coverage. What am I covered for?
GEICO AGENT: You are covered for full liability and collision in amounts up to $100,000, hospital stays up to $50,000, emergency roadside assistance, eye exams, new paint jobs, oil changes, stereo/video system upgrades...
CUSTOMER: Wait, wait, I don't want any of that! All I want is to be covered for basic liability and collision. I can pay for my oil changes out of pocket. I don't even want a stereo upgrade in my car.
GEICO AGENT: I'm sorry sir, but these are state mandates. All auto insurance companies are required by law to include these services as part of their packages.
CUSTOMER: Ugh. Ok, so for upgrades and tune-ups and the like, I simply take it to the shop and send you the bill?
GEICO AGENT: Not quite. First you have to select a Primary Care Mechanic who must abide by CMO regulations, and get his signature on a referral to another specialist mechanic if you want something fixed.
CUSTOMER: I think this is ridiculous. I'm going to go with another insurer.
GEICO AGENT: Well good luck with that, they are all going to offer you the same minimum packages we have, and I guarantee you you won't find better reviews on any auto insurance companies than ours. That's why we have 90% of the market share in the state.
CUSTOMER: Then I'll find one in a different state, car insurance is only half as much in the southern states.
GEICO AGENT: That's illegal.
CUSTOMER: So I'm stuck with you?
GEICO AGENT: Yep.
CUSTOMER: Well, I suppose I don't have much of a choice. I guess you can start sending me the bills.
GEICO AGENT: Excellent, I'm glad we could be of service!
CUSTOMER: You know, in Canada they give all this stuff away for free. Liability and collision are free, tune-ups are free, gas is free, none of it costs a dime. When the new legislation passes, your sorry ass is going to be out of a job.
GEICO AGENT: This company predicts increased revenues after the legislation. Sorry you missed out on single payer, but hopefully the private mandates will work in your favor. I know they'll work in ours.