Hoping For the Best
--I have had this sinking feeling in my gut for about the past twelve hours, like something bad or wrong is happening or on the way. Perhaps I am just nervice. I think I will hold off on detailing these posts to her. Should the general mood here be positive and she find these on her own, she may have a better time dealing with them on her own terms if she knows I am not waiting for a response.
--My cat is acting very dog right now. I think I am going to have to get her declawed. Very much against my beliefs, but she uses those things a little too well against everyone else's flesh and K-T's furnature. That is an unnecessary stress.
--She has said she does not want to get a normal job because she feels she might get stuck in it and never do what is necessary to go to college, but now that I have that covered I wonder if the story will change. Would she get a normal job now? It would give her more sense of control over her life and, if she got the job durring the day, it would give us a ton more time together. Also, it would pretty much cut John out of the equasion. I know he can never really be gone, but he really needs to go back into the 'relative' position. Whatever the ultimate solution is, I do know we at least require a substantial amount of 'us' time to get back to a comfortable place. I love her dearly and I just want to get back to only thinking about that, both of us just basking in the warmth of eachother's love. We did that once and it still pops up every now and then, and it is too awesome to let me give up.
--Appearantly, it is John telling her to turn her cell phone off and, get this one, when they left for MD he drove down only two exits away from my place to his mother's to get his things, but he would not take K-T here to get her socks and such(not to mention possibly visit me). I am finding more and more that he may be responsible for a great deal of the bullshit. Certainly, she is her own person and is deffinately intellegent enough to know he is no more than the shit on her shoe, but this takes a bit of weight off of her. Totally throws me though, why she would not just tell me this stuff. Willie(my 6'8" NAVY Coreman black cyborg buddy) is chomping at the bit to "bust his skull." Obviously, his assistance is not necessary, but I just hope she knows she is not bound to the shitty situation she is in.
--The Supermen of our day hide from a world armed with Kryptonite bullets while the cowboys choke in a suit and tie. The poets are prostitutes in music videos and the damsils once in distress now carry switchblades and hearts of stone. No, the heroes of this world are not dead, but dying.
--I got hold of her today, not long ago at all. It was another nice conversation, but exceedingly satisfying as well. We talked about work yesterday and the things I have written in here. She says she has already read some of it and clued me in on her own journal. It is full of awesome, truth and awesome. I guess I just really wanted to see myself through her eyes, to know if any of this truly did have something to do with me and if I was making the mistakes to hurt us.
--I wish I did not have to have something written down to see what she holds for me in her heart. Now I see it and that it is good. She apreciates my patience(when I can ever be so) and I am glad to know it. Part of me was afraid taking a step back would be pushing her away through a show of disinterest. I shall think on this as things arise in the future.
--The things I have stated here are the truth of how I feel and have felt durring certain situations and they will remain so my view may help her as her's has me. Communication is key, and this is a start, right? I am just so happy right now I feel the desire to knock-out three appartments and give everyone the day off of work tomorrow.
--Issues remain, but now I feel there is room for patience, faith, and hope. Nothing is slipping away, we are still strong. This gives me everything I need to run headlong through the other aspects of my life. College will rock, so will having a driver's license and something to actually drive. Right now, I am going to play a videogame with Sam and actually have nothing else on my mind. Wow.
--She called me randomly. Life is awesome. We are really talking when she gets home and I have a good feeling about it all, I cannot wait. I love her so much.
"Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep
This air is blessed, you share with me
This night is wild, so calm and dull
These hearts, they race from self-control
Your legs are smooth as they graze mine
We're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all
My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me, so I die happy
My heart is yours, to fill or burst
To break or bury, or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer
The words are hushed, let's not get busted
Just lay entwined here, undiscovered
Safe in here from all the stupid questions
"Hey, did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close
They can't hear, so we can get some
My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me, so I die happy
My heart is yours, to fill or burst
To break or bury, or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer
Hands down, this is the best day I can ever remember
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo
The dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair
That you twirled in your fingers
And the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
And this walk that we shared together
The streets were wet and the gate was locked
So I jumped it and I let you in
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
And you kissed me like you meant it
And I knew that you meant it
That you meant it, that you meant it
And I knew that you meant it, that you meant it" Dashboard Confessional, "Hands Down"
--My cat is acting very dog right now. I think I am going to have to get her declawed. Very much against my beliefs, but she uses those things a little too well against everyone else's flesh and K-T's furnature. That is an unnecessary stress.
--She has said she does not want to get a normal job because she feels she might get stuck in it and never do what is necessary to go to college, but now that I have that covered I wonder if the story will change. Would she get a normal job now? It would give her more sense of control over her life and, if she got the job durring the day, it would give us a ton more time together. Also, it would pretty much cut John out of the equasion. I know he can never really be gone, but he really needs to go back into the 'relative' position. Whatever the ultimate solution is, I do know we at least require a substantial amount of 'us' time to get back to a comfortable place. I love her dearly and I just want to get back to only thinking about that, both of us just basking in the warmth of eachother's love. We did that once and it still pops up every now and then, and it is too awesome to let me give up.
--Appearantly, it is John telling her to turn her cell phone off and, get this one, when they left for MD he drove down only two exits away from my place to his mother's to get his things, but he would not take K-T here to get her socks and such(not to mention possibly visit me). I am finding more and more that he may be responsible for a great deal of the bullshit. Certainly, she is her own person and is deffinately intellegent enough to know he is no more than the shit on her shoe, but this takes a bit of weight off of her. Totally throws me though, why she would not just tell me this stuff. Willie(my 6'8" NAVY Coreman black cyborg buddy) is chomping at the bit to "bust his skull." Obviously, his assistance is not necessary, but I just hope she knows she is not bound to the shitty situation she is in.
--The Supermen of our day hide from a world armed with Kryptonite bullets while the cowboys choke in a suit and tie. The poets are prostitutes in music videos and the damsils once in distress now carry switchblades and hearts of stone. No, the heroes of this world are not dead, but dying.
--I got hold of her today, not long ago at all. It was another nice conversation, but exceedingly satisfying as well. We talked about work yesterday and the things I have written in here. She says she has already read some of it and clued me in on her own journal. It is full of awesome, truth and awesome. I guess I just really wanted to see myself through her eyes, to know if any of this truly did have something to do with me and if I was making the mistakes to hurt us.
--I wish I did not have to have something written down to see what she holds for me in her heart. Now I see it and that it is good. She apreciates my patience(when I can ever be so) and I am glad to know it. Part of me was afraid taking a step back would be pushing her away through a show of disinterest. I shall think on this as things arise in the future.
--The things I have stated here are the truth of how I feel and have felt durring certain situations and they will remain so my view may help her as her's has me. Communication is key, and this is a start, right? I am just so happy right now I feel the desire to knock-out three appartments and give everyone the day off of work tomorrow.
--Issues remain, but now I feel there is room for patience, faith, and hope. Nothing is slipping away, we are still strong. This gives me everything I need to run headlong through the other aspects of my life. College will rock, so will having a driver's license and something to actually drive. Right now, I am going to play a videogame with Sam and actually have nothing else on my mind. Wow.
--She called me randomly. Life is awesome. We are really talking when she gets home and I have a good feeling about it all, I cannot wait. I love her so much.
"Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep
This air is blessed, you share with me
This night is wild, so calm and dull
These hearts, they race from self-control
Your legs are smooth as they graze mine
We're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all
My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me, so I die happy
My heart is yours, to fill or burst
To break or bury, or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer
The words are hushed, let's not get busted
Just lay entwined here, undiscovered
Safe in here from all the stupid questions
"Hey, did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close
They can't hear, so we can get some
My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me, so I die happy
My heart is yours, to fill or burst
To break or bury, or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer
Hands down, this is the best day I can ever remember
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo
The dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair
That you twirled in your fingers
And the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
And this walk that we shared together
The streets were wet and the gate was locked
So I jumped it and I let you in
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
And you kissed me like you meant it
And I knew that you meant it
That you meant it, that you meant it
And I knew that you meant it, that you meant it" Dashboard Confessional, "Hands Down"