One week later
Need to get this down while it's still really fresh in my head.
Around five last Saturday, I got the call from Mandy... "Mom's not going to make it through the night. She probably has five hours at best. Call around and get people here that can be, and then call my parents to watch the kids that don't want to be here."
*beat*
*beat*
*beat*
"Okay... Bye."
Phone calls were made. Moe and Connie, Jackie, Marji, Pastor and even Tracy. People had things, and stuff was going on round and about. The girls said no. Allie wasn't given the option. Jake wanted to be there. I made sure he was aware of what it meant, and he was still fine. (You really are the best Jake in the whole world, my boy.)
When we got there, Mom was getting some assistance breathing from an oxygen machine. She wasn't masked, just had a tube pointed into her mouth. It was because her lungs were full of fluid, and the extra was needed.
So we sat. Pastor Lloyd came and sat with us for a while, and there was a hospice nurse that came in to make some suggestions. One of which was to stop the machine, as it wasn't helping out at all, really.
I went outside, and I paced. Lloyd had offered to go and get me food, but I just couldn't figure out what I wanted to eat. I paced for a good ten minutes outside, while there was a light and misty rain falling. The path was in the middle of the building. A smoke-free break area for the employees, but nobody was out that night.
When I finally came back in, it was to sit at her side, holding her hand. It was warm... Slightly hot even. She'd been running a light fever for a few days. Her breathing seemed to have evened out, and didn't appear to be the struggle for her that it had been when we first arrived.
Mom's friend Jackie came as well, filling any gaps of silence, right up until just before seven when she had to go and get some food.
Jake and I had both brought books, but we never found the peace of mind to sit and read. For me, I couldn't even sit still long enough to read to my mother, and that had been something I had done often in the last couple months.
Mandy was in and out of the room, sitting with us occasionally, and bustilng about taking care of her job things. She found the time at some point to call her relief in a bit early, so that she could stay with us as long as she needed to.
At about 10 minutes until 8PM, I turned on the TV, as it would give Lloyd some answer about game three of the World Series. Not being familiar with the layout of Comcast, it took a moment to find ESPN. At 7:54, I got a text from Marji, asking "How's she doing?"
I responded right away, after a quick glance confirming that she still had a pulse and was still breathing, "Still here." The time stamp read 7:55.
Finally found the score (Texas 4-2 it was the only game they won), and looked down again. No pulse at her neck where it had been very visible just a second ago. I stared for a moment, willing something to happen, but nothing did. "I think she's gone..." I whispered, just loud enough for Jake and Lloyd to hear. My pocket buzzed again (Marji, I found out later, again asking to kept informed).
I pressed my fingers agains the spot on her neck that had been active... Against her wrist... Held my hand just over her mouth... Pressed my ear against her chest... Nothing. Not a sound. All the while, Lloyd was doing pretty much the same thing. "I think she's gone," I said again.
I stuck my head outside the door to her room (because it made more sense than pushing the call button), found the nurse, Tatiana, and told her as well. She stopped whatever it was she was doing, and came down to the room in a hurry. She got in the room long enough to ask where Mandy was, and then headed back out to find her. They returned together, and made the professional checks, Mandy with her stethescope and such, before she grabbed me by the wrist to check the time.
Mandy pronounced her at 8:02 PM (by my watch), and then sat for a moment with me while I absorbed what just happened.
I left the room and went outside again to call Tina. When the phone connected, I completely forgot what I needed to say.
"Hey, sis... *beat* *breath* It's over."
"Okay. *beat* Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just got... I mean... It just happened. It was at 7:58 if that matters."
"Of course that matters. What can I do?"
"I... I don't know. I've got to call everyone. Need to call Marji, and Kristal, and Jackie..."
"I'll call Marji and Kristal. Are you sure you're okay?"
Silence...
"Tina, I was there. I was right there, needing to hear her heart, and I couldn't..."
Quietly, "Oh, God."
"I've got to call everyone else. I've got to go..."
"Don't worry about anyone else. I'll call our cousin, and we'll worry about everyone else in a bit. I love you."
"Love you, too."
Tina sounded so calm, even and mellow. And it was nearly more than I could take at the time.
Called Jackie... No answer. Connie and Moe... Passed the word. Moe wished me well, and said he would pray for me. Tried Jackie at home... No answer again. That was about when Mandy came and took the phone from me.
Sitting out there, under the entryway at Pineveiw, we all sat on the far curb, by the mailbox. Jackie pulled up about then, and I was able to let her know. She said she was sorry she missed it, that Mom was too young, wished us well, and drove on away.
A minute or so later, while Lloyd was making a list of people to call and people that had been, Diane drove up. We went back inside and sat in the den. Nice fire, and a calm little room, light conversation. Though I don't recall Jake having much to say. We had to wait a bit, while her CNAs Amy and Kyle (two fantastic people... I couldn't have asked for better for my mother) got Mom dressed. Eventually, we went back to her room.
Mom wore her favorite shirt, a purple, black and white print with buttons all the way down, and a pair of blue jeans. Mandy had donated one of her old bras, and they had stuffed it with socks so that Mom had a bustline, and they did a great job with that. Brown fuzzy socks completed the picture, until we thought to give her the slippers she wore around the house for the last couple months. They even put on the wig that she had worn for a short time last year while her hair grew back in.
Diane took a few pictures, while I sat off to the side and simply watched. She was just laying there, with her mouth open, and I kept waiting for her to snore.
Eventually, it occured to me that it was time to go, and we did. Not really sure what to say before I walked away, and not really wanting to ask for some alone time, I simply sat on her bed, and whispered the chorus to Collin Raye's 'Love, Me' to her, and hugged her. "Goodbye, mother. I'll see you next time..."
We picked up the girls from Steve and Diane's place. They were watching Avatar (blue cat-like people, not little bald monk), and it was nearly over, so we finished watching before we left.
Everyone made it home, and then Mandy wanted to go out to eat. What the hell, I'm starving. I don't know what I'm going to be able to keep down, but why not, right?
Denny's is where we wound up. I debated for a while before deciding on a bacon double cheeseburger, with swiss and american cheese. Mandy had a Slamburger, which was basically the same thing I had, but instead of a second patty, it had hash browns, an egg and hollandaise sauce. And of course, there were spicy wings and cheese sticks involved. The waiter commented that he wanted to eat with us, considering the sheer artery hardening goodness that was being brought to our table.
We returned home and slept side by side for the first time in a while.
That night I dreamed very vividly of still sitting in the den at Pineview. Mom came walking in the door and came up to us and asked why we left. Her voice was exactly the way it was supposed to be. Not strained, not broken, but normal. Healthy.
I've since seen her twice more in my sleep. It's been quiet the last couple nights, though.
I miss you, Mom. Hope to see you again soon.
Around five last Saturday, I got the call from Mandy... "Mom's not going to make it through the night. She probably has five hours at best. Call around and get people here that can be, and then call my parents to watch the kids that don't want to be here."
*beat*
*beat*
*beat*
"Okay... Bye."
Phone calls were made. Moe and Connie, Jackie, Marji, Pastor and even Tracy. People had things, and stuff was going on round and about. The girls said no. Allie wasn't given the option. Jake wanted to be there. I made sure he was aware of what it meant, and he was still fine. (You really are the best Jake in the whole world, my boy.)
When we got there, Mom was getting some assistance breathing from an oxygen machine. She wasn't masked, just had a tube pointed into her mouth. It was because her lungs were full of fluid, and the extra was needed.
So we sat. Pastor Lloyd came and sat with us for a while, and there was a hospice nurse that came in to make some suggestions. One of which was to stop the machine, as it wasn't helping out at all, really.
I went outside, and I paced. Lloyd had offered to go and get me food, but I just couldn't figure out what I wanted to eat. I paced for a good ten minutes outside, while there was a light and misty rain falling. The path was in the middle of the building. A smoke-free break area for the employees, but nobody was out that night.
When I finally came back in, it was to sit at her side, holding her hand. It was warm... Slightly hot even. She'd been running a light fever for a few days. Her breathing seemed to have evened out, and didn't appear to be the struggle for her that it had been when we first arrived.
Mom's friend Jackie came as well, filling any gaps of silence, right up until just before seven when she had to go and get some food.
Jake and I had both brought books, but we never found the peace of mind to sit and read. For me, I couldn't even sit still long enough to read to my mother, and that had been something I had done often in the last couple months.
Mandy was in and out of the room, sitting with us occasionally, and bustilng about taking care of her job things. She found the time at some point to call her relief in a bit early, so that she could stay with us as long as she needed to.
At about 10 minutes until 8PM, I turned on the TV, as it would give Lloyd some answer about game three of the World Series. Not being familiar with the layout of Comcast, it took a moment to find ESPN. At 7:54, I got a text from Marji, asking "How's she doing?"
I responded right away, after a quick glance confirming that she still had a pulse and was still breathing, "Still here." The time stamp read 7:55.
Finally found the score (Texas 4-2 it was the only game they won), and looked down again. No pulse at her neck where it had been very visible just a second ago. I stared for a moment, willing something to happen, but nothing did. "I think she's gone..." I whispered, just loud enough for Jake and Lloyd to hear. My pocket buzzed again (Marji, I found out later, again asking to kept informed).
I pressed my fingers agains the spot on her neck that had been active... Against her wrist... Held my hand just over her mouth... Pressed my ear against her chest... Nothing. Not a sound. All the while, Lloyd was doing pretty much the same thing. "I think she's gone," I said again.
I stuck my head outside the door to her room (because it made more sense than pushing the call button), found the nurse, Tatiana, and told her as well. She stopped whatever it was she was doing, and came down to the room in a hurry. She got in the room long enough to ask where Mandy was, and then headed back out to find her. They returned together, and made the professional checks, Mandy with her stethescope and such, before she grabbed me by the wrist to check the time.
Mandy pronounced her at 8:02 PM (by my watch), and then sat for a moment with me while I absorbed what just happened.
I left the room and went outside again to call Tina. When the phone connected, I completely forgot what I needed to say.
"Hey, sis... *beat* *breath* It's over."
"Okay. *beat* Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just got... I mean... It just happened. It was at 7:58 if that matters."
"Of course that matters. What can I do?"
"I... I don't know. I've got to call everyone. Need to call Marji, and Kristal, and Jackie..."
"I'll call Marji and Kristal. Are you sure you're okay?"
Silence...
"Tina, I was there. I was right there, needing to hear her heart, and I couldn't..."
Quietly, "Oh, God."
"I've got to call everyone else. I've got to go..."
"Don't worry about anyone else. I'll call our cousin, and we'll worry about everyone else in a bit. I love you."
"Love you, too."
Tina sounded so calm, even and mellow. And it was nearly more than I could take at the time.
Called Jackie... No answer. Connie and Moe... Passed the word. Moe wished me well, and said he would pray for me. Tried Jackie at home... No answer again. That was about when Mandy came and took the phone from me.
Sitting out there, under the entryway at Pineveiw, we all sat on the far curb, by the mailbox. Jackie pulled up about then, and I was able to let her know. She said she was sorry she missed it, that Mom was too young, wished us well, and drove on away.
A minute or so later, while Lloyd was making a list of people to call and people that had been, Diane drove up. We went back inside and sat in the den. Nice fire, and a calm little room, light conversation. Though I don't recall Jake having much to say. We had to wait a bit, while her CNAs Amy and Kyle (two fantastic people... I couldn't have asked for better for my mother) got Mom dressed. Eventually, we went back to her room.
Mom wore her favorite shirt, a purple, black and white print with buttons all the way down, and a pair of blue jeans. Mandy had donated one of her old bras, and they had stuffed it with socks so that Mom had a bustline, and they did a great job with that. Brown fuzzy socks completed the picture, until we thought to give her the slippers she wore around the house for the last couple months. They even put on the wig that she had worn for a short time last year while her hair grew back in.
Diane took a few pictures, while I sat off to the side and simply watched. She was just laying there, with her mouth open, and I kept waiting for her to snore.
Eventually, it occured to me that it was time to go, and we did. Not really sure what to say before I walked away, and not really wanting to ask for some alone time, I simply sat on her bed, and whispered the chorus to Collin Raye's 'Love, Me' to her, and hugged her. "Goodbye, mother. I'll see you next time..."
We picked up the girls from Steve and Diane's place. They were watching Avatar (blue cat-like people, not little bald monk), and it was nearly over, so we finished watching before we left.
Everyone made it home, and then Mandy wanted to go out to eat. What the hell, I'm starving. I don't know what I'm going to be able to keep down, but why not, right?
Denny's is where we wound up. I debated for a while before deciding on a bacon double cheeseburger, with swiss and american cheese. Mandy had a Slamburger, which was basically the same thing I had, but instead of a second patty, it had hash browns, an egg and hollandaise sauce. And of course, there were spicy wings and cheese sticks involved. The waiter commented that he wanted to eat with us, considering the sheer artery hardening goodness that was being brought to our table.
We returned home and slept side by side for the first time in a while.
That night I dreamed very vividly of still sitting in the den at Pineview. Mom came walking in the door and came up to us and asked why we left. Her voice was exactly the way it was supposed to be. Not strained, not broken, but normal. Healthy.
I've since seen her twice more in my sleep. It's been quiet the last couple nights, though.
I miss you, Mom. Hope to see you again soon.