i can be your best friend (and you can be my boyfriend)
i can be your best friend (and you can be my boyfriend)
kaisoo, side! baekyeol, side!suchen, side!taoris, side!hunhan
PG
romance, humour
A/N: lol. this was supposed to be chaptered but then i discontinued it because i had no idea what to do with it. cross-posted from my journal but it's neater if i have a comm instead.
"I don't need a fucking boyfriend," Jongin scowled as his five friends stuffed him into a sleek sports car.
On any other day, he'd admire the leather seats and the smooth cruise control of this fine, fine car but today was not like any other day and he has too much of that leather seat in his mouth than he feels comfortable with.
"I also feel that it was unnecessary for me to be manhandled and forced to go somewhere I don't want to go-WOAH WOAH JONGDAE PUT THAT GAG AW-asdfghgfyfu"
"You see, my dear friend," Jongdae, the resident troll laments while securely fastening the gag around his friend's face, "If you'd only shut your well developed mouth six words earlier, you could've escaped this horrible and untimely demise. But alas, you misjudged your fate."
"mmmvdh mephvf."
"Sorry what was that? Thank you for helping you not become asexual? You're always welcome buddy."
"mmmmf mmgfg mrhi. Grejdfb." Jongin flopped onto the seat in exasperation.
"Aw don't think of it as a punishment. It's more of an intervention. Of sorts." The baby faced boy with a monster voice added with a tinge of guilt. Not really.
The rest of the ride was accompanied with the five hyped up men taking advantage of a muted Jongin.
"Hey guys, do you remember when Jongin told his girlfriend he was gay in high school?"
"Oh yeah. She stripped him and left him outside in the cold. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA."
They spent the whole 30 minute road trip trading stories of Jongin's misfortunes in life.
"Speaking of which, remember when he had to get a sperm count done for his health certificate and it was seriously low and the doctor accidentally blurted it in the waiting room loud enough for everyone to hear?"
"Don't forget that time where he was halfway through his finals and farted in the exam hall!" Yixing interjected. What the fuck you weren't even there you little shit.
He considered the possibility of successfully flinging himself out the window and landing on the road in front of a nice truck or just spontaneously combusting and ruining Kris' nice leather seats but just let out a strange sound from the back of his throat and slumped onto the seat in defeat.
"Get out. We're here." Kris jumped out of the drivers seat and extravagantly swung the passenger door open to reveal an overly decorated hall, which was on the brink of collapsing from the amount of fairy lights and banners. "Welcome to the wonderland of single, gay men." Kris welcomed while tugging at Jongdae’s secure knots behind Jongin’s head.
Jongin just scoffed and trudged inside to see tables lined up in perfect rows with people already sitting at tables waiting for their prospective partners.
"Oi hyung," the youngest lisp-bearing male said while slapping Jongin's shoulder "Loosen up. If you REALLY want to, use a pseudonym."
"Do you even know what that words means?" Jongin retorted.
"I read a dictionary before I came to make me seem more intelligent." The maknae quipped earning a chuckle from the older male.
"What name should I use then? I think Monggu sounds cute. Oh my god KRONG! There are so many good names out there."
Sehun's eyes widen in disbelief and a dash of horror before scrawling 'Kai' onto a sticker and slapping it onto Jongin's chest.
"You are a shame to the male species. Just. If anyone asks, you're not with me." Great. A kid knows how to be more social than me. Kai groaned.
"Number 426 please find your seat so we can finally start." The coordinator yelled out.
Kai swiftly strode to to his allocated table and sat down with a plonk.
"Hi, my name's Kai. I am the biggest lazy shit in South Korea or even the world for that matter. I’m currently unemployed and live in a cardboard box on the bank of the Han River. Nice to meet you." Not all of that was a lie. I guess.
"You'll never get laid you fucktard." He hears Jongdae sing in his head. He quickly snuffs out the voice with a sledgehammer and returns his focus to the astonished raven haired male in front of him.
"Wo bu ming bai," the boy responded with a meek smile paired with an unmatching pair of piercing eyes.
"Uh. sorry? Wo….bu… Chinese." He finished lamely. The boy's eyes lit up with amusement before babbling on about something in Chinese in which Jongin only understood Gucci and mei li.
It's not his fault he didn't pay attention in high school and Yixing refused to teach him Chinese.
"What's the point of teaching you a language with all you do is find ways to misuse it." Pft. As if.
"Are you serious Jongin. if I asked you to say any word in French of Japanese, the only thing you'd know is "dick" and maybe "fuck" if you're lucky." A mini Yixing intruded in the back of his mind. Shut up you fucking unicorn.
"Uh. Excuse me. Uh." Tao whispered, snapping him out of his mental battle against an imaginary pony with a horn. "The next person has been called…" Jongin sheepishly slinked out of his seat, trying to avoid the glare of a certain tall blonde male who obviously claimed the Gucci kid. Fine. I didn't want him anyway. How many more people until I get to go home? 26. Fuck my life.
"Hi my name's Kai. I hate work and people and I spend my days lounging around in my one-person apartment with my seven cats and three hamsters. I believe in unicorns and occasionally prance around my neighbourhood trying to attract a mate."
His current partner looked like a minor and had put a small bit of lip gloss to make his lips look alluring. If I wanted a female, I'd be straight.
"My name's Luhan. I’m twenty three this year." Kai opened his mouth to interject. "I’m a male" Jongin opens his mouth again "and… I don't.. like unicorns? and yes. I am actually twenty three even though I look like a pre-teen. There's no need to state the obvious."
"Well I’m glad we got that sorted. Sorta. What do you work as?"
"Librarian. I like silence and smart people. You?"
"Unemployed."
"Uh huh." Luhan raised an eyebrows at the impeccably dressed Jongin who has class and wealth written all over his face. And probably has to do with the obscenely obvious logo on his lapel.
The night dragged on with him making extravagant stories to cover up for his insanely boring and monotonous life. By the last table, he had run out of ideas and decided to bore the poor guy to death with the lamest story ever; his life.
"Hi. Name's Kai. I’m unemployed but not really because I invest in real estate and manage businesses but I work at home which is technically unemployment. This was not my idea of a great night out as I'd much prefer lounging around on my nice beat up couch and watch sappy rom-coms with my stuffed toys but since my friends decided to gracefully shove me in their car and manhandle me to the entrance of this…place, I’m here now. Nice to mee- shit."
He broke off half way after peeking through his dangerously long bangs and seeing a smaller male with wide eyes and pouty lips. As far as Jongin was concerned, this guy was the epitome of perfection. If not a bit squishier.
"Nice to meet you too?" The Wide-Eyed boy offered after realising Jongin wasn't gonna finish his sentence. "My name's Kyungsoo,"
What a sweet name, Jongin mused.
"I like cooking but eating it is more enjoyable to be honest," he chuckled a bit.
I'd probably enjoy eating you more too.
"I watch kids shows because adults are boring,"
I can assure you I’m not boring baby
"And my friends thought I was suffering alone so they dragged me into this mess." He ended with a flourish.
Jongin nodded slowly while smiling inwardly at his inappropriate insertions.
"So you're not suffering alone? Enjoying the single life?" Jongin probed but more like jabbed.
"Single living has its perks. No need to fight over what channel to watch or what to eat for dinner. It's not bad. What about you?"
"Pft. I don't need a man." Jongin sassily ended with a flick of his wrist.
Kyungsoo let out a melodic laugh before turning his attention to a napkin and folded it in half and half again.
"So… since you're happy single… and I’m totally happy single, let's be friends?" Jongin lets out after a few deep breaths.
"I’m just going to warn you now, I have severe OCD and don't really like people and the last person who tried to become friends with me almost stabbed me with a straw." Kyungsoo distractedly said while folding his napkin into a neat flower.
"I'll take my chances."
Jongin was rewarded with the brightest smile he's ever seen light up on Kyungsoo's face and almost holds his hand to his face to shield the onslaught of white teeth and crescent moon eyes. But he doesn't because that's lame. Which you are. But hey congrats Jongin. Of the 26 other males here you picked an introvert who's also OCD. What a bargain. I wouldn't have expected anything more from you. He could hear Jongdae's voice ring in his ears.
------------------------------------------
"Number 259... Kris?" She raises a plucked eyebrow at the blonde male. "You have four people interested in contacting you after today." She hands over the contact cards efficiently.
"I'll only take one thank you very much." He replied in an orderly manner before plucking a single card with 'Huang Zi Tao' written in almost illegible Hangeul and turning to his group of friends.
"I’m not letting you retards meet him until I've properly prepared him so don't even ask."
Chanyeol's mouth dropped open into a gape worthy of a Guinness World Record.
"Oh my God he's seriously serious about this new guy. He ALWAYS lets us meet his boyfriends." Jongdae whispers not-so-quietly to everyone else who just bobs their heads up and down silently.
"Number 260... Chen. You have... Five! Congratulations!" She smiles after flicking through the stack and ticking names off.
"Chen? What kind of name is Chen?” Yixing shoots in.
"Shut up you unicorn. Just because I’m more popular than you."
"Actually," Yixing starts, "I have eight cards tee-wai-vee-em xoxo." He smirks while waving around his neat stack of name cards.
"Waaaait a second. Why do the cards say they're addressed to a 'Lay'?" Sehun asks, his eyebrows meeting at the centre.
"It's a subtle hint of what I’m looking for." Yixing replies flippantly ignoring the looks of disgust around him. "Oh hey. This guy… Is not who I was expecting. Suho. More like Su No. God. He was so boring." He said to no one in particular before shoving the card to the back of the pile.
“Number 426. Kai. You surprisingly only have one.” She says with raised eyebrows. “Wouldn’t have expected that with a face like yours.”
Jongin scoffed and snatched the card from her hands and inspected the white name card. ‘Do Kyungsoo” was written in impeccable handwriting with what may have been ruler lines measuring out where the centre of the card was. Maybe today wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
“PARTY AT JONGIN’S HOUSE GOGOGOGOGOOOOOO!” Kris yelled before jumping in his car and speeding off. Leaving the five flabbergasted in the foyer. Jongin sighed. Wishful thinking.
The next day however, was not so blissful when he woke up on the floor with a throbbing headache and two pairs of legs pinning him on the ground. Grumbling, he lifted the two dead weights off of him and stalked into the kitchen for a cup of coffee and a good serving of paracetamol.
“Hyung.” He said while toeing Kris with his pair of owl slippers. “Hyung. HYUUUUNG. FOR FUCKS SAKES WAKE UP. Why do I need to put up with these shits.”? He groaned before stalking back to the kitchen and fetching his overused foghorn
You see, this isn’t a rare occurrence and Jongin is quite used to having to go to drastic measures with his trusty speakerphones and foghorns. On rare occasions when they bother going to work on weekdays, his house is relatively quiet. But in any case that happens once a month or so since no one has jobs requiring a full time attendance.
(Kris and Chanyeol are joint CEOs of a firm selling insurance policy while Sehun is a child prodigy and gets his money off the patents he sold off to several mining companies. Yixing is a part time songwriter and lyricist and goes into the studio to listen to his songs be recorded once in a blue moon because ‘I have direct instructions on my music. I don’t need to be there to monitor the newbies.’ But the songs turn out to be mild hits in the end so no one can really complain. Jongdae though, is a mystery and no one can figure out what he does and he as mastered the art of avoiding the topic altogether. Sehun and Yixing think he’s the leader of the Korean branch of the mafia while Jongin really thinks he’s just unemployed and leeches off his parents who are super duper rich. Nevertheless he is loaded and no one knows why.)
“Y’ALL GET UP IN THE NEXT TEN SECONDS OF SO GOD HELP ME, I WILL FIND YOUR DEEPEST DARKEST SECRETS AND PUBLISH THEM ON MY SUPER POPULAR BLOG AND SHAME YOU ALL TO HELL.”
“TEN.”
No one moved
“NINE.”
Jongin reached for his foghorn
“EIGHT.”
Jongin placed it in the centre of the human crop circles
“SEVEN.”
Jongin snapped on his special noise cancelling headphones
“SIX.”
Jongin attached the remote device to the aerosol can
“FIVE.”
Jongin detonated the noise bomb
“FOUR.”
He yelled over the blaring racket
“THREE.”
Jongin started kicking each member on the head with his slippers and one by one each was being awakened.
“TWO.”
“Fuck you Jongin. Fuck you to the moon.” Sehun groaned as he heaved his usually lithe form off the hardwood floors. “You need to install carpet ASAP. Wood isn’t gonna do my back any good.”
“Look at me and see if I care.”
Sehun looked up with his usual poker face and smirked before face planting back onto the floor with a loud snore.
“WHAT THE FU-“He started before being grappled to the floor by five unfazed males.
Jongin didn’t end up escaping until 2 hours later when they let their limbs go lax. “I, Kim Jongin, hereby ban all forms of alcohol form this group. Effective immediately.” Jongin muttered while forming a circle of foghorns around the human sandwich in the middle of his living room floor. “Motherfucking lightweights.”
The five were up within a record of three minutes thanks to the almost frantic kicks from the exhausted Jongin and a cacophony of noise from as many objects he had around the house which made a sound.
“Hey so have any of you called your special someone from last night yet?” Yixing asked while shoving scrambled eggs down his throat.
“Ew. Eat first, talk later.” Kris said wrinkling his nose. “And like I said before, Zitao isn’t coming near you guys until I say he’s ready to face this… crowd.” He said while pointing his spoon at the five inhabitants.
“I’d take offence to that statement if I didn’t think it was true.” Chanyeol nodded slowly.
“What the fuck are you on about Yeol. You’re probably the weirdest in this group. Besides, I was roped into this group because it's not felt alone without another Chinaman.” Yixing retorted.
“Funny because I remember you were the one who was following us everywhere and we let you in through sympathy.” Sehun smirked through his slice of toast.
Jongin had to take up the unfortunate job of holding back an aggressive unicorn before he decapitated the maknae.
--------------------------------------------------------
Jongin sat on his well-aged couch that evening holding the geometrically perfect name card in his palms.
“To call or not to call. That is that is the question.” He groaned and chucked his phone on the couch and waddled to the kitchen to find something to eat and wallow in his indecision.
After consuming half a tub of chocolate raspberry ice cream and a tube of Pringles, he finally picked up his phone intent on contacting the self-diagnosed OCD male.
Kyungsoo picked up within the first two rings with a low rumble that resembled a ‘Hello’.
“Hi Kyungsoo hyung this is Jongin from last night… if you remember me…?”
“Sorry who? I don’t know a Jongin. Hold on a sec- LUHAN GET YOUR TOE OUT OF JUNMYEON’S NOSTRIL.” Jongin winced from the sudden volume spike and held the phone away from his ear.
“Uh- sorry. My friends decided to crash at mine last night and they haven’t left and I’ve got a horrible headache and everything hurts. Hold on a sec I’m gonna go outside where the reception’s a little bit better. Y’ALL BETTER BE UP BY THE TIME I GET BACK OR I WON’T COOK DINNER AND LEAVE IT UP TO BAEKHYUN IN WHICH I CANNOT GUARANTEE YOUR SAFETY.” Jongin jerked the phone away from his ear and stared at it in awe while picturing the smaller male chucking threats so easily.
“Hyung?”
“Oh sorry. It’s been a long day. Who did you say you were again?” he could hear the elder male sigh.
“Jong… in…? You don’t remember me?”
“I gave my number to one person and one person only and his name was Kai. Not a Jongin…”
“Oh whoops. I’m Kai.”
“I hope this isn’t some kind of lame cover up... Jong..Kai..ssi”
“It’s not. I promise.” Jongin started panicking. “My stupid friend told me to use a pseudonym and he chose Kai. I swear. I knew Kai sounded sleazy urgh. I wanted to use Monggu but he gave me a what-the-fuck look and wrote Kai for me and-“
“Kai”
“I promise I’m not a creeper oh my God cross my heart wish to die or may unicorns haunt my skies.”
“KAI”
“If you don’t believe me, call me bank or my college or high school or kindergarten. Hell call my parents just belie-“
“FOR FUCKS SAKES KAI.”
“Oh sorry you said something?”
“I got the message after your first essay dictating your insecurities.” Kyungsoo murmured while rubbing his temples with his free hand. “Anyways I’m kind of tired because my friends decided it was a good idea to drink. Which never ends well.”
“I feel your pain.”
“No you don’t. I have five idiots on the living room floor with saliva pooling around their mouths.”
“No trust me. I do.”
Conversation followed but was cut short after Kyungsoo could smell burning plastic coming out of his apartment door and Jongin was left listening to the frantic screams of five grown men and a grounded and orderly Kyungsoo in the background.
“Sorry. Baekhyun thought it’d be a good idea to roast marshmallows on the stovetop but didn’t realise that it doesn’t work with an electric stovetop. He also left the bag on the hot plate. I wonder what war I started in my past life to deserve friends like these. In any case I need to cook dinner for these babies before they burn down my building. I’ll talk to you later okay?”
“What are you cooking?” Jongin quickly asked, wanting to learn as much from this new friend of his as possible.
“Kimchi spaghetti.” Kyungsoo replied. Jongin could hear the smile coming through the speaker.
“Sounds great. Good night Kyungsoo hyung.”
“Good night Kai.” Kyungsoo replied before hanging up.
Needless to say Jongin dreamt of kimchi spaghetti and rainbows.
----------------------------------------------------
Life continued as normal with the occasional sleazy texts sent to Kyungsoo by his shitty friends every Friday night but Kyungsoo’s just gotten used to saving them to use as blackmail at a later date.
Jongin’s slumber was rudely awakened by a call from a cackling Jongdae.
“The fuck do you want you little shit.” Jongin growled with his morning breath hitting him square in the nose.
“Is that how you treat your hyung? You brat.”
“It’s seven in the morning and you’re asking me to be civil. Tough luck.”
“Whatever. So I organised a get together for the people we met at the speed dating place.”
“But……… I’m not going?”
“Kyungsoo’s going.”
“……………… Fine. But don’t get me wrong. I’m only going to save him from your insanity and hopefully pick up the pieces of my social standings after you’re done with spilling all my secrets to the world.”
“Bitch please. Your presence won’t make much of a difference. But I’m not complainin’. Having you there is more amusing especially with your naturally awkward aura. The Pink Alpaca, 3pm. Be there.” He punctuated before leaving Jongin with the dial tone.
“This is going to be the start of my social decline.” He moaned before lugging his body out of the warm comfort of his bed and into the cold reality he lives in which has been conveniently labelled Jongdae.
After a scalding hot shower, he ripped the doors of his large wardrobe open in an attempt to find something decent to wear which didn’t include a sweatshirt and track pants. Jongin inwardly groaned and started emptying his closet for something decent to wear for the meeting. After two and a half hours of rummaging through his never-ending stack of clothes, he decided on a semi formal white top and black skinny jeans, which flaunted his long slim legs. Not bad Jongin. Not bad at all. He thought to himself, slightly frowning at the mess that was left behind before smoothing his facial expressions because frowning forms premature wrinkles and they wouldn’t look good on his tanned skin.
He turned up at the quaint café 10 minutes early in his snazzy black Mercedes ready to impress the baby faced economist on first glance only to be greeted with Jongdae already conversing with the said male through the shop window. Jongin never ran quicker in his life.
“JONGDAE HYUNG. HI HOW ARE YOU. HOW’RE YOU DOING? OH HIS KYUNGSOO HYUNG DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE LET’S SIT TOGETHER.” He yelled over whatever Jongdae was saying trying to damage control as much as possible and pulled Kyungsoo to one of the tables Jongdae had reserved beforehand.
“Nice to see you again Kai! Your friend was just telling me about that time when you-“
“WHATEVER HE SAID IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY UNTRUE AND NOTHING THAT THING SAYS SHOULD BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.”
“So you didn’t save your class form failing economics by tutoring each and every one of them in your free time?”
“NO... WAIT WHAT?”
“That’s what he told me. And could you stop shouting? It’s starting to hurt my eardrums.” Kyungsoo puts his hands on his ears for emphasis.
“Sorry. Did Jongdae tell you that?” Jongin asked with his eyebrows dancing dangerously high on his forehead.
“Yes… So it’s not true?”
“Hahaha... I did do that but I didn’t do such a good job since not many people got over 60% in the end.” Jongin sheepishly added while awkwardly looking around to see Jongdae sitting 3 tables across with a shit-eating grin plastered over his face.
“He seems nice.” Kyungsoo said after following Jongin’s hard, probing stares towards Jongdae trying to see where he's getting at with his faux niceness.
“You’re kidding me right. I ran all the way from my car because I thought he’d go around spreading false rumours of my private life. The kid is the bane of my existence and I’m not even joking.”
Kyungsoo chuckled before leaning in dangerously close and whispered in Jongin’s ear.
“So what’s your sperm count now?” Before pulling back with a smirk tugging at his full lips. It took all of Jongin’s self control not to leap and thrust his ex-best friend out onto the busy street outside.
kaisoo, side! baekyeol, side!suchen, side!taoris, side!hunhan
PG
romance, humour
A/N: lol. this was supposed to be chaptered but then i discontinued it because i had no idea what to do with it. cross-posted from my journal but it's neater if i have a comm instead.
"I don't need a fucking boyfriend," Jongin scowled as his five friends stuffed him into a sleek sports car.
On any other day, he'd admire the leather seats and the smooth cruise control of this fine, fine car but today was not like any other day and he has too much of that leather seat in his mouth than he feels comfortable with.
"I also feel that it was unnecessary for me to be manhandled and forced to go somewhere I don't want to go-WOAH WOAH JONGDAE PUT THAT GAG AW-asdfghgfyfu"
"You see, my dear friend," Jongdae, the resident troll laments while securely fastening the gag around his friend's face, "If you'd only shut your well developed mouth six words earlier, you could've escaped this horrible and untimely demise. But alas, you misjudged your fate."
"mmmvdh mephvf."
"Sorry what was that? Thank you for helping you not become asexual? You're always welcome buddy."
"mmmmf mmgfg mrhi. Grejdfb." Jongin flopped onto the seat in exasperation.
"Aw don't think of it as a punishment. It's more of an intervention. Of sorts." The baby faced boy with a monster voice added with a tinge of guilt. Not really.
The rest of the ride was accompanied with the five hyped up men taking advantage of a muted Jongin.
"Hey guys, do you remember when Jongin told his girlfriend he was gay in high school?"
"Oh yeah. She stripped him and left him outside in the cold. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA."
They spent the whole 30 minute road trip trading stories of Jongin's misfortunes in life.
"Speaking of which, remember when he had to get a sperm count done for his health certificate and it was seriously low and the doctor accidentally blurted it in the waiting room loud enough for everyone to hear?"
"Don't forget that time where he was halfway through his finals and farted in the exam hall!" Yixing interjected. What the fuck you weren't even there you little shit.
He considered the possibility of successfully flinging himself out the window and landing on the road in front of a nice truck or just spontaneously combusting and ruining Kris' nice leather seats but just let out a strange sound from the back of his throat and slumped onto the seat in defeat.
"Get out. We're here." Kris jumped out of the drivers seat and extravagantly swung the passenger door open to reveal an overly decorated hall, which was on the brink of collapsing from the amount of fairy lights and banners. "Welcome to the wonderland of single, gay men." Kris welcomed while tugging at Jongdae’s secure knots behind Jongin’s head.
Jongin just scoffed and trudged inside to see tables lined up in perfect rows with people already sitting at tables waiting for their prospective partners.
"Oi hyung," the youngest lisp-bearing male said while slapping Jongin's shoulder "Loosen up. If you REALLY want to, use a pseudonym."
"Do you even know what that words means?" Jongin retorted.
"I read a dictionary before I came to make me seem more intelligent." The maknae quipped earning a chuckle from the older male.
"What name should I use then? I think Monggu sounds cute. Oh my god KRONG! There are so many good names out there."
Sehun's eyes widen in disbelief and a dash of horror before scrawling 'Kai' onto a sticker and slapping it onto Jongin's chest.
"You are a shame to the male species. Just. If anyone asks, you're not with me." Great. A kid knows how to be more social than me. Kai groaned.
"Number 426 please find your seat so we can finally start." The coordinator yelled out.
Kai swiftly strode to to his allocated table and sat down with a plonk.
"Hi, my name's Kai. I am the biggest lazy shit in South Korea or even the world for that matter. I’m currently unemployed and live in a cardboard box on the bank of the Han River. Nice to meet you." Not all of that was a lie. I guess.
"You'll never get laid you fucktard." He hears Jongdae sing in his head. He quickly snuffs out the voice with a sledgehammer and returns his focus to the astonished raven haired male in front of him.
"Wo bu ming bai," the boy responded with a meek smile paired with an unmatching pair of piercing eyes.
"Uh. sorry? Wo….bu… Chinese." He finished lamely. The boy's eyes lit up with amusement before babbling on about something in Chinese in which Jongin only understood Gucci and mei li.
It's not his fault he didn't pay attention in high school and Yixing refused to teach him Chinese.
"What's the point of teaching you a language with all you do is find ways to misuse it." Pft. As if.
"Are you serious Jongin. if I asked you to say any word in French of Japanese, the only thing you'd know is "dick" and maybe "fuck" if you're lucky." A mini Yixing intruded in the back of his mind. Shut up you fucking unicorn.
"Uh. Excuse me. Uh." Tao whispered, snapping him out of his mental battle against an imaginary pony with a horn. "The next person has been called…" Jongin sheepishly slinked out of his seat, trying to avoid the glare of a certain tall blonde male who obviously claimed the Gucci kid. Fine. I didn't want him anyway. How many more people until I get to go home? 26. Fuck my life.
"Hi my name's Kai. I hate work and people and I spend my days lounging around in my one-person apartment with my seven cats and three hamsters. I believe in unicorns and occasionally prance around my neighbourhood trying to attract a mate."
His current partner looked like a minor and had put a small bit of lip gloss to make his lips look alluring. If I wanted a female, I'd be straight.
"My name's Luhan. I’m twenty three this year." Kai opened his mouth to interject. "I’m a male" Jongin opens his mouth again "and… I don't.. like unicorns? and yes. I am actually twenty three even though I look like a pre-teen. There's no need to state the obvious."
"Well I’m glad we got that sorted. Sorta. What do you work as?"
"Librarian. I like silence and smart people. You?"
"Unemployed."
"Uh huh." Luhan raised an eyebrows at the impeccably dressed Jongin who has class and wealth written all over his face. And probably has to do with the obscenely obvious logo on his lapel.
The night dragged on with him making extravagant stories to cover up for his insanely boring and monotonous life. By the last table, he had run out of ideas and decided to bore the poor guy to death with the lamest story ever; his life.
"Hi. Name's Kai. I’m unemployed but not really because I invest in real estate and manage businesses but I work at home which is technically unemployment. This was not my idea of a great night out as I'd much prefer lounging around on my nice beat up couch and watch sappy rom-coms with my stuffed toys but since my friends decided to gracefully shove me in their car and manhandle me to the entrance of this…place, I’m here now. Nice to mee- shit."
He broke off half way after peeking through his dangerously long bangs and seeing a smaller male with wide eyes and pouty lips. As far as Jongin was concerned, this guy was the epitome of perfection. If not a bit squishier.
"Nice to meet you too?" The Wide-Eyed boy offered after realising Jongin wasn't gonna finish his sentence. "My name's Kyungsoo,"
What a sweet name, Jongin mused.
"I like cooking but eating it is more enjoyable to be honest," he chuckled a bit.
I'd probably enjoy eating you more too.
"I watch kids shows because adults are boring,"
I can assure you I’m not boring baby
"And my friends thought I was suffering alone so they dragged me into this mess." He ended with a flourish.
Jongin nodded slowly while smiling inwardly at his inappropriate insertions.
"So you're not suffering alone? Enjoying the single life?" Jongin probed but more like jabbed.
"Single living has its perks. No need to fight over what channel to watch or what to eat for dinner. It's not bad. What about you?"
"Pft. I don't need a man." Jongin sassily ended with a flick of his wrist.
Kyungsoo let out a melodic laugh before turning his attention to a napkin and folded it in half and half again.
"So… since you're happy single… and I’m totally happy single, let's be friends?" Jongin lets out after a few deep breaths.
"I’m just going to warn you now, I have severe OCD and don't really like people and the last person who tried to become friends with me almost stabbed me with a straw." Kyungsoo distractedly said while folding his napkin into a neat flower.
"I'll take my chances."
Jongin was rewarded with the brightest smile he's ever seen light up on Kyungsoo's face and almost holds his hand to his face to shield the onslaught of white teeth and crescent moon eyes. But he doesn't because that's lame. Which you are. But hey congrats Jongin. Of the 26 other males here you picked an introvert who's also OCD. What a bargain. I wouldn't have expected anything more from you. He could hear Jongdae's voice ring in his ears.
------------------------------------------
"Number 259... Kris?" She raises a plucked eyebrow at the blonde male. "You have four people interested in contacting you after today." She hands over the contact cards efficiently.
"I'll only take one thank you very much." He replied in an orderly manner before plucking a single card with 'Huang Zi Tao' written in almost illegible Hangeul and turning to his group of friends.
"I’m not letting you retards meet him until I've properly prepared him so don't even ask."
Chanyeol's mouth dropped open into a gape worthy of a Guinness World Record.
"Oh my God he's seriously serious about this new guy. He ALWAYS lets us meet his boyfriends." Jongdae whispers not-so-quietly to everyone else who just bobs their heads up and down silently.
"Number 260... Chen. You have... Five! Congratulations!" She smiles after flicking through the stack and ticking names off.
"Chen? What kind of name is Chen?” Yixing shoots in.
"Shut up you unicorn. Just because I’m more popular than you."
"Actually," Yixing starts, "I have eight cards tee-wai-vee-em xoxo." He smirks while waving around his neat stack of name cards.
"Waaaait a second. Why do the cards say they're addressed to a 'Lay'?" Sehun asks, his eyebrows meeting at the centre.
"It's a subtle hint of what I’m looking for." Yixing replies flippantly ignoring the looks of disgust around him. "Oh hey. This guy… Is not who I was expecting. Suho. More like Su No. God. He was so boring." He said to no one in particular before shoving the card to the back of the pile.
“Number 426. Kai. You surprisingly only have one.” She says with raised eyebrows. “Wouldn’t have expected that with a face like yours.”
Jongin scoffed and snatched the card from her hands and inspected the white name card. ‘Do Kyungsoo” was written in impeccable handwriting with what may have been ruler lines measuring out where the centre of the card was. Maybe today wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
“PARTY AT JONGIN’S HOUSE GOGOGOGOGOOOOOO!” Kris yelled before jumping in his car and speeding off. Leaving the five flabbergasted in the foyer. Jongin sighed. Wishful thinking.
The next day however, was not so blissful when he woke up on the floor with a throbbing headache and two pairs of legs pinning him on the ground. Grumbling, he lifted the two dead weights off of him and stalked into the kitchen for a cup of coffee and a good serving of paracetamol.
“Hyung.” He said while toeing Kris with his pair of owl slippers. “Hyung. HYUUUUNG. FOR FUCKS SAKES WAKE UP. Why do I need to put up with these shits.”? He groaned before stalking back to the kitchen and fetching his overused foghorn
You see, this isn’t a rare occurrence and Jongin is quite used to having to go to drastic measures with his trusty speakerphones and foghorns. On rare occasions when they bother going to work on weekdays, his house is relatively quiet. But in any case that happens once a month or so since no one has jobs requiring a full time attendance.
(Kris and Chanyeol are joint CEOs of a firm selling insurance policy while Sehun is a child prodigy and gets his money off the patents he sold off to several mining companies. Yixing is a part time songwriter and lyricist and goes into the studio to listen to his songs be recorded once in a blue moon because ‘I have direct instructions on my music. I don’t need to be there to monitor the newbies.’ But the songs turn out to be mild hits in the end so no one can really complain. Jongdae though, is a mystery and no one can figure out what he does and he as mastered the art of avoiding the topic altogether. Sehun and Yixing think he’s the leader of the Korean branch of the mafia while Jongin really thinks he’s just unemployed and leeches off his parents who are super duper rich. Nevertheless he is loaded and no one knows why.)
“Y’ALL GET UP IN THE NEXT TEN SECONDS OF SO GOD HELP ME, I WILL FIND YOUR DEEPEST DARKEST SECRETS AND PUBLISH THEM ON MY SUPER POPULAR BLOG AND SHAME YOU ALL TO HELL.”
“TEN.”
No one moved
“NINE.”
Jongin reached for his foghorn
“EIGHT.”
Jongin placed it in the centre of the human crop circles
“SEVEN.”
Jongin snapped on his special noise cancelling headphones
“SIX.”
Jongin attached the remote device to the aerosol can
“FIVE.”
Jongin detonated the noise bomb
“FOUR.”
He yelled over the blaring racket
“THREE.”
Jongin started kicking each member on the head with his slippers and one by one each was being awakened.
“TWO.”
“Fuck you Jongin. Fuck you to the moon.” Sehun groaned as he heaved his usually lithe form off the hardwood floors. “You need to install carpet ASAP. Wood isn’t gonna do my back any good.”
“Look at me and see if I care.”
Sehun looked up with his usual poker face and smirked before face planting back onto the floor with a loud snore.
“WHAT THE FU-“He started before being grappled to the floor by five unfazed males.
Jongin didn’t end up escaping until 2 hours later when they let their limbs go lax. “I, Kim Jongin, hereby ban all forms of alcohol form this group. Effective immediately.” Jongin muttered while forming a circle of foghorns around the human sandwich in the middle of his living room floor. “Motherfucking lightweights.”
The five were up within a record of three minutes thanks to the almost frantic kicks from the exhausted Jongin and a cacophony of noise from as many objects he had around the house which made a sound.
“Hey so have any of you called your special someone from last night yet?” Yixing asked while shoving scrambled eggs down his throat.
“Ew. Eat first, talk later.” Kris said wrinkling his nose. “And like I said before, Zitao isn’t coming near you guys until I say he’s ready to face this… crowd.” He said while pointing his spoon at the five inhabitants.
“I’d take offence to that statement if I didn’t think it was true.” Chanyeol nodded slowly.
“What the fuck are you on about Yeol. You’re probably the weirdest in this group. Besides, I was roped into this group because it's not felt alone without another Chinaman.” Yixing retorted.
“Funny because I remember you were the one who was following us everywhere and we let you in through sympathy.” Sehun smirked through his slice of toast.
Jongin had to take up the unfortunate job of holding back an aggressive unicorn before he decapitated the maknae.
--------------------------------------------------------
Jongin sat on his well-aged couch that evening holding the geometrically perfect name card in his palms.
“To call or not to call. That is that is the question.” He groaned and chucked his phone on the couch and waddled to the kitchen to find something to eat and wallow in his indecision.
After consuming half a tub of chocolate raspberry ice cream and a tube of Pringles, he finally picked up his phone intent on contacting the self-diagnosed OCD male.
Kyungsoo picked up within the first two rings with a low rumble that resembled a ‘Hello’.
“Hi Kyungsoo hyung this is Jongin from last night… if you remember me…?”
“Sorry who? I don’t know a Jongin. Hold on a sec- LUHAN GET YOUR TOE OUT OF JUNMYEON’S NOSTRIL.” Jongin winced from the sudden volume spike and held the phone away from his ear.
“Uh- sorry. My friends decided to crash at mine last night and they haven’t left and I’ve got a horrible headache and everything hurts. Hold on a sec I’m gonna go outside where the reception’s a little bit better. Y’ALL BETTER BE UP BY THE TIME I GET BACK OR I WON’T COOK DINNER AND LEAVE IT UP TO BAEKHYUN IN WHICH I CANNOT GUARANTEE YOUR SAFETY.” Jongin jerked the phone away from his ear and stared at it in awe while picturing the smaller male chucking threats so easily.
“Hyung?”
“Oh sorry. It’s been a long day. Who did you say you were again?” he could hear the elder male sigh.
“Jong… in…? You don’t remember me?”
“I gave my number to one person and one person only and his name was Kai. Not a Jongin…”
“Oh whoops. I’m Kai.”
“I hope this isn’t some kind of lame cover up... Jong..Kai..ssi”
“It’s not. I promise.” Jongin started panicking. “My stupid friend told me to use a pseudonym and he chose Kai. I swear. I knew Kai sounded sleazy urgh. I wanted to use Monggu but he gave me a what-the-fuck look and wrote Kai for me and-“
“Kai”
“I promise I’m not a creeper oh my God cross my heart wish to die or may unicorns haunt my skies.”
“KAI”
“If you don’t believe me, call me bank or my college or high school or kindergarten. Hell call my parents just belie-“
“FOR FUCKS SAKES KAI.”
“Oh sorry you said something?”
“I got the message after your first essay dictating your insecurities.” Kyungsoo murmured while rubbing his temples with his free hand. “Anyways I’m kind of tired because my friends decided it was a good idea to drink. Which never ends well.”
“I feel your pain.”
“No you don’t. I have five idiots on the living room floor with saliva pooling around their mouths.”
“No trust me. I do.”
Conversation followed but was cut short after Kyungsoo could smell burning plastic coming out of his apartment door and Jongin was left listening to the frantic screams of five grown men and a grounded and orderly Kyungsoo in the background.
“Sorry. Baekhyun thought it’d be a good idea to roast marshmallows on the stovetop but didn’t realise that it doesn’t work with an electric stovetop. He also left the bag on the hot plate. I wonder what war I started in my past life to deserve friends like these. In any case I need to cook dinner for these babies before they burn down my building. I’ll talk to you later okay?”
“What are you cooking?” Jongin quickly asked, wanting to learn as much from this new friend of his as possible.
“Kimchi spaghetti.” Kyungsoo replied. Jongin could hear the smile coming through the speaker.
“Sounds great. Good night Kyungsoo hyung.”
“Good night Kai.” Kyungsoo replied before hanging up.
Needless to say Jongin dreamt of kimchi spaghetti and rainbows.
----------------------------------------------------
Life continued as normal with the occasional sleazy texts sent to Kyungsoo by his shitty friends every Friday night but Kyungsoo’s just gotten used to saving them to use as blackmail at a later date.
Jongin’s slumber was rudely awakened by a call from a cackling Jongdae.
“The fuck do you want you little shit.” Jongin growled with his morning breath hitting him square in the nose.
“Is that how you treat your hyung? You brat.”
“It’s seven in the morning and you’re asking me to be civil. Tough luck.”
“Whatever. So I organised a get together for the people we met at the speed dating place.”
“But……… I’m not going?”
“Kyungsoo’s going.”
“……………… Fine. But don’t get me wrong. I’m only going to save him from your insanity and hopefully pick up the pieces of my social standings after you’re done with spilling all my secrets to the world.”
“Bitch please. Your presence won’t make much of a difference. But I’m not complainin’. Having you there is more amusing especially with your naturally awkward aura. The Pink Alpaca, 3pm. Be there.” He punctuated before leaving Jongin with the dial tone.
“This is going to be the start of my social decline.” He moaned before lugging his body out of the warm comfort of his bed and into the cold reality he lives in which has been conveniently labelled Jongdae.
After a scalding hot shower, he ripped the doors of his large wardrobe open in an attempt to find something decent to wear which didn’t include a sweatshirt and track pants. Jongin inwardly groaned and started emptying his closet for something decent to wear for the meeting. After two and a half hours of rummaging through his never-ending stack of clothes, he decided on a semi formal white top and black skinny jeans, which flaunted his long slim legs. Not bad Jongin. Not bad at all. He thought to himself, slightly frowning at the mess that was left behind before smoothing his facial expressions because frowning forms premature wrinkles and they wouldn’t look good on his tanned skin.
He turned up at the quaint café 10 minutes early in his snazzy black Mercedes ready to impress the baby faced economist on first glance only to be greeted with Jongdae already conversing with the said male through the shop window. Jongin never ran quicker in his life.
“JONGDAE HYUNG. HI HOW ARE YOU. HOW’RE YOU DOING? OH HIS KYUNGSOO HYUNG DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE LET’S SIT TOGETHER.” He yelled over whatever Jongdae was saying trying to damage control as much as possible and pulled Kyungsoo to one of the tables Jongdae had reserved beforehand.
“Nice to see you again Kai! Your friend was just telling me about that time when you-“
“WHATEVER HE SAID IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY UNTRUE AND NOTHING THAT THING SAYS SHOULD BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.”
“So you didn’t save your class form failing economics by tutoring each and every one of them in your free time?”
“NO... WAIT WHAT?”
“That’s what he told me. And could you stop shouting? It’s starting to hurt my eardrums.” Kyungsoo puts his hands on his ears for emphasis.
“Sorry. Did Jongdae tell you that?” Jongin asked with his eyebrows dancing dangerously high on his forehead.
“Yes… So it’s not true?”
“Hahaha... I did do that but I didn’t do such a good job since not many people got over 60% in the end.” Jongin sheepishly added while awkwardly looking around to see Jongdae sitting 3 tables across with a shit-eating grin plastered over his face.
“He seems nice.” Kyungsoo said after following Jongin’s hard, probing stares towards Jongdae trying to see where he's getting at with his faux niceness.
“You’re kidding me right. I ran all the way from my car because I thought he’d go around spreading false rumours of my private life. The kid is the bane of my existence and I’m not even joking.”
Kyungsoo chuckled before leaning in dangerously close and whispered in Jongin’s ear.
“So what’s your sperm count now?” Before pulling back with a smirk tugging at his full lips. It took all of Jongin’s self control not to leap and thrust his ex-best friend out onto the busy street outside.