It's 4AM and shit. Well, it was when I began this anyways
I cannot sleep. The reason for this escapes me. Tossing and turning for an hour accomplished nothing, so I decided to run through my "Fall asleep you BASTARD" checklist. You can play at home too; follow along!
1.) Masturbate/Sex. Yep, numero uno on the list. If you reached your quota for the day beforehand (lol pun), then you may need to skip straight to number 2.
2.) Take a shower. Nothing like a shower at 4am. Make sure to scrub your genitals, or have a friend do so. They don't even have to be awake for it either. If you can do step one and two at the same time, without waking them up, you are a fucking ninja my friend, and I salute you.
3.) Get completely wasted. If you have easy access to alcoholic beverages/drugs, you can always drink.inject/snort/etc. yourself into a drug induced coma. Hooray! Be careful with this one, studies have shown you run an 85% risk of waking up naked in a ditch covered in blood that may or may not be your own.
4.) Read a book. I am currently reading a horror novel. That's not going to help me get to sleep (not with the lights out anyways). Alternatively, you can read a chapter in a textbook of some kind. I recommend Calculus or Physics. Also, if you try to do this after number three, you may not fall asleep, but are much more likely to reach a higher level of conscious. Or throw up. I forget which. Could be both.
5.) Draw/Write/Update your livejournal. So here we are. Thinking of something creative to do will probably tire you out, unless you are on of those weirdos that gets exhilarated by a brainstorming session. Weirdo.
You may be wondering why I didn't list exercise. Daniel, you say, that's certain to make me fall asleep! True, but then you run the risk of dying. Don't believe me? Well, read this absolutely true report I found from a reputable newspaper somewhere in the Unite States!
NEW YORK - Researchers at New York State College produced conclusive evidence that exercising after 4am, especially after masturbating, taking a shower, reading a book or doing any sort of narcotic substance, can lead to death. Says head researcher, Dr. John Pinkglewood, PHD, DDS, CPA, SOS, Esq. "It's really bad. I mean, just look at these charts." Before he could show the members of the press the charts, he dropped dead.
Other members of the research team declined to comment. More as the story develops.
Cutting edge journalism right there. Anyways, make sure not to exercise after 4AM.
I wouldn't want my faithful readers dropping dead because they decided to do a push-up in the middle of the night. Speaking of middle of the night, I think I'm going to attempt bed again. Have a good day!