Fic: A Glitch In My Soul [3/7?]
Title: A Glitch In My Soul - Chapter 3 - Put Away My Flesh And Bone
Author: freakingdork
Pairing: Morgan/Reid
Chapter Rating: FRM
Word Count: 2983
Summary and Disclaimer: please refer to chapter 1
Chapter Warnings: abuse of power (sexualized in nature), anti-gay slur
A/N - This chapter is dedicated to my good friend Jasper, partially because this fic is all her fault, but also because today is her birthday. Happy birthday love.
*****
Chapter 3 - Put Away my Flesh And Bone
*****
Penelope Garcia is not at all like what Spencer had envisioned.
The therapists and other mental health professionals he'd met when searching for a placement for his mother along with the staff at Bennington Sanitarium were straight-laced and conservatively dressed.
No, the last thing he expects is her boisterous wardrobe and brightly colored office, the walls lined with toys and trinkets. It's comforting in a way because it doesn't feel stiff or rigid. Spencer could see the value in it for her ex-gay survivors; for someone having been repressed and held down for so long, being in such a creative space must be that much more freeing. For Spencer, the comfort comes more from the fact that psychologists and psychiatrists had too often been the bearers of bad news and he'd been dreading this part of his contract.
“Well, I hope you don't mind, but I figured we could just jump right on in to what you'd like to work on in therapy.”
Spencer nods. “This is all confidential, right?”
“Of course! As long as you're not going to hurt yourself or others, I can't tell anyone what we've said here and trust me, you aren't going to surprise me.”
“I'm writing a book on ex-gay therapy.”
Penelope gapes at him for a moment before she chuckles. “Okay, you got me there, but Spencer, I can't talk to you about what my clients have shared with me for the very same reason I can't talk about what you say here.”
“Oh god, I know. The issue is, well, I'm going undercover and my publisher was worried about how it might affect my mental health,” Spencer explains.
“Your publisher is a very smart man.” Penelope twirls her fuzzy pen. “I'm not sure how ethical it is for you to be in their groups to write a book, but I'd love to have ex-gay practices exposed.”
“This isn't my first time undercover...I know how to write about a subject matter so that not even the group members will be able to tell who is who.”
“Alright, I'll take your word for it, sugar. What should we talk about today then? Have you been to any meetings yet?”
“Just one so far and it was...painful,” Spencer says. “The leader made them share what most people would consider to be their darkest secrets to make me 'feel comfortable.' I could hardly stand it by the time they were done. I mean, you probably hear stuff like that every day...how do you stand it?” Spencer asks.
Penelope smiles. “Oh sweetie, I have my own therapist. I don't know one who doesn't.”
“I guess that makes sense,” he says, a little surprised. “The worst thing was...I was so nervous by the time that they got to me, I was nearly tripping over my words. I'm sure that most of them thought I was jittery because I had to stand up and give my 'testimony,' but that wasn't it at all.”
“So what worried you?” she asks.
“That I'd be found out, of course.”
“I bet you've had worries like that when you went undercover before.” When Spencer nods, Penelope continues, “So what made it worse this time?”
“I'm not sure. The guilt would probably be overwhelming if they found out I'm not there to 'change' myself, especially right after they'd all shared so much, but it seems like there's something more. Maybe it was the way the group leader looked at me? I got your number from Hotch and JJ and they said I was his type. I don't know if I was being paranoid, but Jason seemed far too...interested.”
“Oh dear, you're in Jason's group?” Penelope looks him over more thoroughly. “Yeah, definitely his type. It still went well though?”
“Yeah and I even got one of the members to agree to meet me for coffee later this week, so that'll make it easier to learn more about her and maybe some of the other members too, depending on how open she is.”
Penelope nods. “Well, our time's about up, but one more question: how are you feeling right now?”
“Similar to other times I've been undercover. I'm nervous, but that'll go away after awhile. I don't feel depressed or confused about my identity. I like you well enough, but I'm still not worried.”
“Okay, let's schedule you for once every other week. If you feel the need to come in more often, I won't judge you and I always keep a bit of wiggle room in my schedule for emergency appointments. You don't have to do this alone.”
“Thanks, Penelope,” Spencer says, shaking her hand before leaving.
***
His personal therapy sessions with Jason were invasive, unsettling and generally creepy. Jason stared at him openly and asked extremely intrusive questions in a voyeuristic manner. In the first session, Jason grilled him on what his type was, under the guise of helping him identify his problem areas; Spencer might have believed it was purely altruistic if Jason hadn't seemed far more invested in whether or not he was interested in older men as compared to other traits. He was also probed for details of his relationship with Ethan - did Ethan have facial hair, what size was his penis, what kinds of sex did they engage in, had they ever used drugs while having sex, and other questions that clearly didn't pertain to his “treatment.”
Hug therapy was the worst; gradually, nearly imperceptibly, Jason's hands would slide down, until they were just barely above his ass and Jason's breathing would become labored. Each time Jason suggested ending their session with hug therapy, Spencer hoped that he wouldn't go any further; the last thing he needed was the group leader grinding an erection into his groin and Spencer felt uncomfortable with the idea of using the strategy Hotch had suggested. More than that though, it made him fear for the other men in his group. Did they all feel as uncomfortable as he did? Was Jason going further and outright abusing any of them while claiming it was in their best interests?
As much as he wanted to, Spencer couldn’t afford to skip one-on-one therapy; it read as being unwilling to change and the last thing Spencer wanted was any doubt cast his way.
Spencer finally started to see the wisdom in Rossi's insistence that he see someone like Penelope. She provided a much needed haven and he couldn't imagine going through ex-gay therapy on his own. He even bumped up his sessions with her to twice a week.
***
Coffee with Emily had gone well enough to lead to a standing 'date' every Monday morning. She wasn't a very easy person to get to know and preferred talking around anything personal, but Spencer still felt like she was gradually warming up every time they went out. While her relationship with her mother was clearly distressing, Spencer didn't get the feeling that it was strained because of Emily's sexual orientation. It seemed to be something long past - something that didn't bother Emily, but did bother her mother - from the way Emily's eyes glazed over on the few occasions he'd gotten that far into a conversation. On one occasion, she actually mentioned one of the old group members who had been a slip up for her, a blonde in media relations. It was obvious to Spencer who she was talking about and painfully clear that Emily still had strong feelings for JJ. It made Spencer ache for them, both still entrenched in their feelings for one another and yet, they couldn't be farther apart.
All of his other attempts at trying to interact with the group members outside of group were more difficult. That wasn't a surprise in the least; he'd deliberately picked Emily first for a reason. Based on the sheer fact that she was a woman, Spencer was "allowed" to hang out with her alone and Emily didn't have the trust issues that Elle did. He quickly decided against ever inviting Elle out; it seemed too insensitive given her experiences and he didn't want to aggravate what he identified as PTSD symptoms.
Tobias was also off-limits. Despite how curious Spencer was about what it was like to be the gay son of a homophobic preacher, that was exactly the problem. Being the preacher's son made engaging Tobias that much more dangerous. It wasn't just risky for Spencer; Tobias being caught out by a church member in even the slightest compromising position - even something as innocent as a cup of coffee with another member of the group - would get back to his father one way or another and Spencer would never be so careless with another person's safety.
Steven was quite bit easier than the rest of the men. His willingness quickly became more understandable when he tried hitting on Spencer at the restaurant, which made Spencer quite certain that Steven was only in the group to appease his abusive father and passive stepmom. He politely turned down Steven's offer and still managed to get him to stick around, ensuring that he got plenty of notes and ideas for an extra chapter. Spencer felt for the kid, but Steven was nearly eighteen and probably waiting for college to really break free from his oppressive environment and Spencer had to trust that he'd be able to survive until then.
Nathan was angry that he didn't have a "trigger" that made him gay. While he wouldn't admit it in group because of Jason's disapproval, it troubled him greatly and he spent a lot of time obsessing about it. At the base of it, Nathan just wanted to understand himself and the explanations he found in group and individual sessions were ultimately unfulfilling. Spencer wished there was a way to tell him that he was looking in the wrong place, that he'd never find answers as long as he kept his searching confined to homophobic environments, that there really weren't any ‘reasons’ why people were queer. They just were. There were signs that maybe things would change for him too - Nathan was still young and as far as Spencer could tell, his mother wasn't terribly happy at her son's quest to become straight.
Adam felt especially ashamed about his past because he'd spent time cross-dressing for pleasure in clubs and contests as an adult. That side of him was practically a whole different person in Adam's mind, which Spencer deduced as some sort of coping mechanism. Unsurprisingly, Adam had been the first to suggest Spencer cut his hair. It was too feminine and after a few comments from other members, Spencer chopped it off. His hair had clearly made some of them uncomfortable and those who weren't uncomfortable questioned his commitment to "getting better." Cutting his hair was a small price to pay for their acceptance and trust.
Strangely, the man who had first invited him to attend group was the one who avoided him the most.
After much thought, Spencer finally figured how to worm his way in. If asked for help, Derek would always come through. Derek couldn't seem to fight it, regardless of the circumstances - it was a facet of his protective nature - and while Spencer felt bad manipulating him, he couldn't see any other way around it. When Spencer asked Derek to be his “wingman” at a sports bar, Derek only paused for a moment before agreeing.
***
“I assumed you didn't like sports,” Derek says with a shrug, explaining his initial hesitance.
Spencer laughs as they walk into the bar. “Just because I turned down the offer to be on the church's softball team doesn't mean I dislike sports or don't understand them. Believe it or not, I used to coach the high school basketball team once I figured out the opposing team's shooting strategies.”
“Alrighty smarty pants, is there anything you're not good at?” Derek teases as they sit down at the table.
“Uh...flirting?”
Despite everything, Derek seems surprised by the answer, but takes it in stride. “I guess that's why we're here, huh?”
“Yeah. I mean, I didn't do well hitting on men either, so I feel even more lost when it comes to women.”
Derek's quiet until after the bartender takes their order and brings their drinks. It's somewhat uncomfortable, but Spencer is sure Derek just needs a moment.
“What makes you think I'm not at a loss too?” Derek asks, a sadness in his eyes tugging at Spencer's heart.
“You're better with people in general, so I assumed it might transfer over to other areas,” Spencer says with a shrug. He doesn't want to explain that their first meeting had shown him to just how flirty Derek could be. “If it doesn't, that's fine, maybe we can both help each other instead.”
“I guess...with guys, it was easier because it was often just about sex? Obviously, that's not a good idea anymore and women probably wouldn't appreciate it anyway.” Taking a sip of his beer, Derek looks thoughtful. “It's gotta be just like meeting a new person, right? How about talking about something you know well, something that you feel like you're an expert in?”
“Uh, statistics?”
“I thought you said you were an editor.”
Spencer shrugs.
“Ok, well, some women might like that here if you've got stats on the teams playing, but you're probably going to bore people if that goes on too long. What about something else?”
“I'm pretty confident when I'm doing magic.”
Derek probably doesn't realize how cute he is when he's bewildered. “Seriously?”
“I grew up in Vegas.”
“Remind me to never play poker with you. I bet you're a card counter,” Derek accuses playfully.
“Wouldn't you like to know?” Spencer asks, biting his lip.
As he watches Derek's face shift, Spencer realizes he'd made a mistake and been too flirty in his response.
“Umm, so, I'll just...go...try that? The...uh, magic?”
Derek laughs. “Yeah, but you're gonna have to be more confident than that.”
Spencer nods, gets up, and walks over to Austin, a friend he'd made at a local bookstore. He hadn't been lying about being terrible at flirting - he really only realizes after the fact that he's been doing it - and while Spencer feels bad for making arrangements ahead of time, he wants Derek to feel like they'd accomplished something, as ridiculous as that seems.
“I bet your boyfriend doesn't know it, but he's staring daggers at me,” Austin says, pretending to be enthralled by his magic trick. Spencer doesn't say anything about it, just keeps up the act until Austin writes down her number.
When Spencer comes back to the table, Derek's face is plastered with a tight grin. “There you go. That's called game.”
Before he can respond, Derek wraps his arm around Spencer's shoulders and walks them out of the bar, his smile a little more genuine. Spencer doesn't ask why one successful pick up is enough to leave or why Derek doesn't test out his own skills as well. He'd rather pretend like he doesn't know the answer.
***
Spencer settled into a routine - coffee with Emily on Monday, an individual session with Jason and dinner with Derek on Tuesday, a session with Penelope on Wednesday, the group meetings on Thursday and another session with Penelope on Friday. The weekends were kept open besides the four or five hours he spent at church on Sunday; the rest of the time, he spent organizing notes, making outlines and listening to Rossi grumble over the phone. Occasionally he spent his free time with other group members, especially when he had a bout of writer's block.
It was good, he thought. His book was slowly but steadily getting done and no one appeared to suspect that he wasn't anything other than he said he was. Yes, the individual and group sessions at Central were never pleasant, but balancing them out with therapy appointments with Penelope helped. Things were playing out as planned and Spencer couldn't help but feel pleased by how well things were going.
***
About two months in, Derek stands up in group, glancing at everyone in the room before speaking.
"I've been talking to Jason about this for awhile, but I felt I needed to uhh...come clean about something that's been plaguing me."
Spencer nods as he knows he's supposed to; it's the best form of encouragement in these kinds of matters. Everyone else seems to perk up as well and Spencer wonders if they know something he doesn't.
"I've had a persistent crush on a guy who transferred to my unit a few months back and to make it worse...he's, he's..." Derek stops for a deep breath and Spencer's heart seizes up as he watches Derek struggle. The pain crackles in his throat as he continues, "He's a fag like me.”
Derek hangs his head and Jason gets up, putting his hand on Derek's shoulder. "Derek has been praying on his own and with me, but it hasn't been enough. That's why we decided to bring it to the group...he needs all of you to be prayer warriors for him. In order to be victorious in his struggle over his sexual brokenness, he needs our help."
It takes a few seconds for Spencer to realize that everyone is standing and moving in closer to Derek to “lay hands” on him. He hurries to catch up, reaching out without realizing his hand would land on Derek's bicep from the angle he was at. It startles Derek more than Spencer thinks it should and after glancing down at his hand, Derek looks up into Spencer's eyes.
The expression on his face tells Spencer all he needs to know. Derek isn't talking about a coworker; he's talking about Spencer.
His heart skips a beat and while he's known there was a heavy truth in the warning JJ had given him, Spencer hadn't been able to rid himself of the feelings about Derek he's been developing. Now that Derek's inadvertently expressed that Spencer isn't alone in his feelings, he knows it's going to be that much harder.
*****
A/N - Re: using the f-word - I spent a lot of time debating whether or not to use it and I've been very nervous about including it. To be clear, it's not a word that Morgan would use in canon, regardless of his (or other people's) sexual orientation, because he's not homophobic. As such, I generally hate when it's used in fic. Until I sent it to my beta (with a note included), I wasn't even sure if I would include it because I wasn't sure it would get across the point I was trying to make. My intent was to show just how severe Morgan's self-loathing is; I tried “queer” and “homosexual,” but I felt those blunted the emotional impact and did not fully get across just how much he hates himself.
Author: freakingdork
Pairing: Morgan/Reid
Chapter Rating: FRM
Word Count: 2983
Summary and Disclaimer: please refer to chapter 1
Chapter Warnings: abuse of power (sexualized in nature), anti-gay slur
A/N - This chapter is dedicated to my good friend Jasper, partially because this fic is all her fault, but also because today is her birthday. Happy birthday love.
*****
Chapter 3 - Put Away my Flesh And Bone
*****
Penelope Garcia is not at all like what Spencer had envisioned.
The therapists and other mental health professionals he'd met when searching for a placement for his mother along with the staff at Bennington Sanitarium were straight-laced and conservatively dressed.
No, the last thing he expects is her boisterous wardrobe and brightly colored office, the walls lined with toys and trinkets. It's comforting in a way because it doesn't feel stiff or rigid. Spencer could see the value in it for her ex-gay survivors; for someone having been repressed and held down for so long, being in such a creative space must be that much more freeing. For Spencer, the comfort comes more from the fact that psychologists and psychiatrists had too often been the bearers of bad news and he'd been dreading this part of his contract.
“Well, I hope you don't mind, but I figured we could just jump right on in to what you'd like to work on in therapy.”
Spencer nods. “This is all confidential, right?”
“Of course! As long as you're not going to hurt yourself or others, I can't tell anyone what we've said here and trust me, you aren't going to surprise me.”
“I'm writing a book on ex-gay therapy.”
Penelope gapes at him for a moment before she chuckles. “Okay, you got me there, but Spencer, I can't talk to you about what my clients have shared with me for the very same reason I can't talk about what you say here.”
“Oh god, I know. The issue is, well, I'm going undercover and my publisher was worried about how it might affect my mental health,” Spencer explains.
“Your publisher is a very smart man.” Penelope twirls her fuzzy pen. “I'm not sure how ethical it is for you to be in their groups to write a book, but I'd love to have ex-gay practices exposed.”
“This isn't my first time undercover...I know how to write about a subject matter so that not even the group members will be able to tell who is who.”
“Alright, I'll take your word for it, sugar. What should we talk about today then? Have you been to any meetings yet?”
“Just one so far and it was...painful,” Spencer says. “The leader made them share what most people would consider to be their darkest secrets to make me 'feel comfortable.' I could hardly stand it by the time they were done. I mean, you probably hear stuff like that every day...how do you stand it?” Spencer asks.
Penelope smiles. “Oh sweetie, I have my own therapist. I don't know one who doesn't.”
“I guess that makes sense,” he says, a little surprised. “The worst thing was...I was so nervous by the time that they got to me, I was nearly tripping over my words. I'm sure that most of them thought I was jittery because I had to stand up and give my 'testimony,' but that wasn't it at all.”
“So what worried you?” she asks.
“That I'd be found out, of course.”
“I bet you've had worries like that when you went undercover before.” When Spencer nods, Penelope continues, “So what made it worse this time?”
“I'm not sure. The guilt would probably be overwhelming if they found out I'm not there to 'change' myself, especially right after they'd all shared so much, but it seems like there's something more. Maybe it was the way the group leader looked at me? I got your number from Hotch and JJ and they said I was his type. I don't know if I was being paranoid, but Jason seemed far too...interested.”
“Oh dear, you're in Jason's group?” Penelope looks him over more thoroughly. “Yeah, definitely his type. It still went well though?”
“Yeah and I even got one of the members to agree to meet me for coffee later this week, so that'll make it easier to learn more about her and maybe some of the other members too, depending on how open she is.”
Penelope nods. “Well, our time's about up, but one more question: how are you feeling right now?”
“Similar to other times I've been undercover. I'm nervous, but that'll go away after awhile. I don't feel depressed or confused about my identity. I like you well enough, but I'm still not worried.”
“Okay, let's schedule you for once every other week. If you feel the need to come in more often, I won't judge you and I always keep a bit of wiggle room in my schedule for emergency appointments. You don't have to do this alone.”
“Thanks, Penelope,” Spencer says, shaking her hand before leaving.
***
His personal therapy sessions with Jason were invasive, unsettling and generally creepy. Jason stared at him openly and asked extremely intrusive questions in a voyeuristic manner. In the first session, Jason grilled him on what his type was, under the guise of helping him identify his problem areas; Spencer might have believed it was purely altruistic if Jason hadn't seemed far more invested in whether or not he was interested in older men as compared to other traits. He was also probed for details of his relationship with Ethan - did Ethan have facial hair, what size was his penis, what kinds of sex did they engage in, had they ever used drugs while having sex, and other questions that clearly didn't pertain to his “treatment.”
Hug therapy was the worst; gradually, nearly imperceptibly, Jason's hands would slide down, until they were just barely above his ass and Jason's breathing would become labored. Each time Jason suggested ending their session with hug therapy, Spencer hoped that he wouldn't go any further; the last thing he needed was the group leader grinding an erection into his groin and Spencer felt uncomfortable with the idea of using the strategy Hotch had suggested. More than that though, it made him fear for the other men in his group. Did they all feel as uncomfortable as he did? Was Jason going further and outright abusing any of them while claiming it was in their best interests?
As much as he wanted to, Spencer couldn’t afford to skip one-on-one therapy; it read as being unwilling to change and the last thing Spencer wanted was any doubt cast his way.
Spencer finally started to see the wisdom in Rossi's insistence that he see someone like Penelope. She provided a much needed haven and he couldn't imagine going through ex-gay therapy on his own. He even bumped up his sessions with her to twice a week.
***
Coffee with Emily had gone well enough to lead to a standing 'date' every Monday morning. She wasn't a very easy person to get to know and preferred talking around anything personal, but Spencer still felt like she was gradually warming up every time they went out. While her relationship with her mother was clearly distressing, Spencer didn't get the feeling that it was strained because of Emily's sexual orientation. It seemed to be something long past - something that didn't bother Emily, but did bother her mother - from the way Emily's eyes glazed over on the few occasions he'd gotten that far into a conversation. On one occasion, she actually mentioned one of the old group members who had been a slip up for her, a blonde in media relations. It was obvious to Spencer who she was talking about and painfully clear that Emily still had strong feelings for JJ. It made Spencer ache for them, both still entrenched in their feelings for one another and yet, they couldn't be farther apart.
All of his other attempts at trying to interact with the group members outside of group were more difficult. That wasn't a surprise in the least; he'd deliberately picked Emily first for a reason. Based on the sheer fact that she was a woman, Spencer was "allowed" to hang out with her alone and Emily didn't have the trust issues that Elle did. He quickly decided against ever inviting Elle out; it seemed too insensitive given her experiences and he didn't want to aggravate what he identified as PTSD symptoms.
Tobias was also off-limits. Despite how curious Spencer was about what it was like to be the gay son of a homophobic preacher, that was exactly the problem. Being the preacher's son made engaging Tobias that much more dangerous. It wasn't just risky for Spencer; Tobias being caught out by a church member in even the slightest compromising position - even something as innocent as a cup of coffee with another member of the group - would get back to his father one way or another and Spencer would never be so careless with another person's safety.
Steven was quite bit easier than the rest of the men. His willingness quickly became more understandable when he tried hitting on Spencer at the restaurant, which made Spencer quite certain that Steven was only in the group to appease his abusive father and passive stepmom. He politely turned down Steven's offer and still managed to get him to stick around, ensuring that he got plenty of notes and ideas for an extra chapter. Spencer felt for the kid, but Steven was nearly eighteen and probably waiting for college to really break free from his oppressive environment and Spencer had to trust that he'd be able to survive until then.
Nathan was angry that he didn't have a "trigger" that made him gay. While he wouldn't admit it in group because of Jason's disapproval, it troubled him greatly and he spent a lot of time obsessing about it. At the base of it, Nathan just wanted to understand himself and the explanations he found in group and individual sessions were ultimately unfulfilling. Spencer wished there was a way to tell him that he was looking in the wrong place, that he'd never find answers as long as he kept his searching confined to homophobic environments, that there really weren't any ‘reasons’ why people were queer. They just were. There were signs that maybe things would change for him too - Nathan was still young and as far as Spencer could tell, his mother wasn't terribly happy at her son's quest to become straight.
Adam felt especially ashamed about his past because he'd spent time cross-dressing for pleasure in clubs and contests as an adult. That side of him was practically a whole different person in Adam's mind, which Spencer deduced as some sort of coping mechanism. Unsurprisingly, Adam had been the first to suggest Spencer cut his hair. It was too feminine and after a few comments from other members, Spencer chopped it off. His hair had clearly made some of them uncomfortable and those who weren't uncomfortable questioned his commitment to "getting better." Cutting his hair was a small price to pay for their acceptance and trust.
Strangely, the man who had first invited him to attend group was the one who avoided him the most.
After much thought, Spencer finally figured how to worm his way in. If asked for help, Derek would always come through. Derek couldn't seem to fight it, regardless of the circumstances - it was a facet of his protective nature - and while Spencer felt bad manipulating him, he couldn't see any other way around it. When Spencer asked Derek to be his “wingman” at a sports bar, Derek only paused for a moment before agreeing.
***
“I assumed you didn't like sports,” Derek says with a shrug, explaining his initial hesitance.
Spencer laughs as they walk into the bar. “Just because I turned down the offer to be on the church's softball team doesn't mean I dislike sports or don't understand them. Believe it or not, I used to coach the high school basketball team once I figured out the opposing team's shooting strategies.”
“Alrighty smarty pants, is there anything you're not good at?” Derek teases as they sit down at the table.
“Uh...flirting?”
Despite everything, Derek seems surprised by the answer, but takes it in stride. “I guess that's why we're here, huh?”
“Yeah. I mean, I didn't do well hitting on men either, so I feel even more lost when it comes to women.”
Derek's quiet until after the bartender takes their order and brings their drinks. It's somewhat uncomfortable, but Spencer is sure Derek just needs a moment.
“What makes you think I'm not at a loss too?” Derek asks, a sadness in his eyes tugging at Spencer's heart.
“You're better with people in general, so I assumed it might transfer over to other areas,” Spencer says with a shrug. He doesn't want to explain that their first meeting had shown him to just how flirty Derek could be. “If it doesn't, that's fine, maybe we can both help each other instead.”
“I guess...with guys, it was easier because it was often just about sex? Obviously, that's not a good idea anymore and women probably wouldn't appreciate it anyway.” Taking a sip of his beer, Derek looks thoughtful. “It's gotta be just like meeting a new person, right? How about talking about something you know well, something that you feel like you're an expert in?”
“Uh, statistics?”
“I thought you said you were an editor.”
Spencer shrugs.
“Ok, well, some women might like that here if you've got stats on the teams playing, but you're probably going to bore people if that goes on too long. What about something else?”
“I'm pretty confident when I'm doing magic.”
Derek probably doesn't realize how cute he is when he's bewildered. “Seriously?”
“I grew up in Vegas.”
“Remind me to never play poker with you. I bet you're a card counter,” Derek accuses playfully.
“Wouldn't you like to know?” Spencer asks, biting his lip.
As he watches Derek's face shift, Spencer realizes he'd made a mistake and been too flirty in his response.
“Umm, so, I'll just...go...try that? The...uh, magic?”
Derek laughs. “Yeah, but you're gonna have to be more confident than that.”
Spencer nods, gets up, and walks over to Austin, a friend he'd made at a local bookstore. He hadn't been lying about being terrible at flirting - he really only realizes after the fact that he's been doing it - and while Spencer feels bad for making arrangements ahead of time, he wants Derek to feel like they'd accomplished something, as ridiculous as that seems.
“I bet your boyfriend doesn't know it, but he's staring daggers at me,” Austin says, pretending to be enthralled by his magic trick. Spencer doesn't say anything about it, just keeps up the act until Austin writes down her number.
When Spencer comes back to the table, Derek's face is plastered with a tight grin. “There you go. That's called game.”
Before he can respond, Derek wraps his arm around Spencer's shoulders and walks them out of the bar, his smile a little more genuine. Spencer doesn't ask why one successful pick up is enough to leave or why Derek doesn't test out his own skills as well. He'd rather pretend like he doesn't know the answer.
***
Spencer settled into a routine - coffee with Emily on Monday, an individual session with Jason and dinner with Derek on Tuesday, a session with Penelope on Wednesday, the group meetings on Thursday and another session with Penelope on Friday. The weekends were kept open besides the four or five hours he spent at church on Sunday; the rest of the time, he spent organizing notes, making outlines and listening to Rossi grumble over the phone. Occasionally he spent his free time with other group members, especially when he had a bout of writer's block.
It was good, he thought. His book was slowly but steadily getting done and no one appeared to suspect that he wasn't anything other than he said he was. Yes, the individual and group sessions at Central were never pleasant, but balancing them out with therapy appointments with Penelope helped. Things were playing out as planned and Spencer couldn't help but feel pleased by how well things were going.
***
About two months in, Derek stands up in group, glancing at everyone in the room before speaking.
"I've been talking to Jason about this for awhile, but I felt I needed to uhh...come clean about something that's been plaguing me."
Spencer nods as he knows he's supposed to; it's the best form of encouragement in these kinds of matters. Everyone else seems to perk up as well and Spencer wonders if they know something he doesn't.
"I've had a persistent crush on a guy who transferred to my unit a few months back and to make it worse...he's, he's..." Derek stops for a deep breath and Spencer's heart seizes up as he watches Derek struggle. The pain crackles in his throat as he continues, "He's a fag like me.”
Derek hangs his head and Jason gets up, putting his hand on Derek's shoulder. "Derek has been praying on his own and with me, but it hasn't been enough. That's why we decided to bring it to the group...he needs all of you to be prayer warriors for him. In order to be victorious in his struggle over his sexual brokenness, he needs our help."
It takes a few seconds for Spencer to realize that everyone is standing and moving in closer to Derek to “lay hands” on him. He hurries to catch up, reaching out without realizing his hand would land on Derek's bicep from the angle he was at. It startles Derek more than Spencer thinks it should and after glancing down at his hand, Derek looks up into Spencer's eyes.
The expression on his face tells Spencer all he needs to know. Derek isn't talking about a coworker; he's talking about Spencer.
His heart skips a beat and while he's known there was a heavy truth in the warning JJ had given him, Spencer hadn't been able to rid himself of the feelings about Derek he's been developing. Now that Derek's inadvertently expressed that Spencer isn't alone in his feelings, he knows it's going to be that much harder.
*****
A/N - Re: using the f-word - I spent a lot of time debating whether or not to use it and I've been very nervous about including it. To be clear, it's not a word that Morgan would use in canon, regardless of his (or other people's) sexual orientation, because he's not homophobic. As such, I generally hate when it's used in fic. Until I sent it to my beta (with a note included), I wasn't even sure if I would include it because I wasn't sure it would get across the point I was trying to make. My intent was to show just how severe Morgan's self-loathing is; I tried “queer” and “homosexual,” but I felt those blunted the emotional impact and did not fully get across just how much he hates himself.