Fanfic: Coming Undone [2/?]
Title: Coming Undone [2/?]
Author: freakingdork
Rating: FRT
Characters: Morgan-centric
Word Count: 1539
Summary: “It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.” After confronting his abuser, Morgan struggles with his sexuality.
Warnings: discussions of sexual abuse
Tag to: 3x05, 3x08
****
What appeared to be a straight forward kidnapping case quickly became something far more sinister.
It's not as if child abductions didn't regularly involve sexual abuse, so that wasn’t the thing that had slowly burrowed its way under his skin. It was the fact that Katie had been betrayed not only by her uncle, but her aunt as well.
Family members, by blood or otherwise, were supposed to be people a kid could trust to keep them safe. There was no way for him to be naive about how false that could be, not with his job or his past, and it was always be painful to see a child suffer through the things he had. He knew the feelings they had - guilt, self-doubt, shame, anger, fear, isolation, mistrust - and he knew what they’d have to do to feel as close to normal as they could.
His teammates’ lack of response is actually helpful and he’s sure they know that. Yeah, there’s a flicker of sympathy in Reid’s eye when Derek calls Hotch to tell him what they found at the house and they keep him away from interviewing anyone, even the kid, after that, but really, they keep themselves at a close distance, if that’s possible.
At the end of the day, he gets in his truck without even asking if Reid wants a ride and heads home.
****
He'd just arrived when his phone started buzzing. Looking at the caller id, he grinned half-heartedly.
"Hey baby girl, what's up?"
"Eh, not much I guess. Do you, ah, have plans?"
On the drive home, he’d come up with the idea that he might lay some tile in one of his properties to keep his mind busy, but the tone of her voice worried him a bit. "Naw, I'm free. Did you want to come over? Clooney misses you something terrible."
"Aww, I miss him too. Are you sure you don’t mind?"
He huffed out a laugh. "It’s fine Garcia. Do you want pizza or something else?"
"Oh, don’t order anything, sugar. I'll bring stuff to make my vegetarian chicken and dumplings if that’s alright with you.”
"Damn woman, that sounds a hell of a lot better than pizza. I’m gonna hop in the shower, so just let yourself in."
The quick shower did nothing to ease his mind; as hard as he tried, the case kept coming back to him. Thankfully, he couldn’t help but smile when he found Garcia bustling around his barely used kitchen, Clooney hot on her trail.
“Feel any better?” she asks, smiling back at him.
Derek knows what she's up to. Hell, he knew the moment she called. She's being tricky and he's not entirely sure he minds. It’s not that he really wants to talk, but he appreciates having someone who cares enough to try.
He nods, hoping she won’t pick up on the lie. By the look in her eyes, he can tell she doesn’t believe him.
“Derek, if you want to talk about it, we can, but if you don’t, I’m perfectly content with watching a movie,” she says knowingly, giving him space by turning back towards the oven to check on the food.
Slowly, he lets out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding onto. “Yeah, not tonight mama.”
“In that case, go pick out a movie...the food’s almost done.”
With the help of a good meal and understanding companionship, he does relax, perhaps for the first time in months.
****
For the next couple of weeks, Garcia keeps finding ways to invite herself over and he keeps letting her in. Each time, he comes closer to disclosing his confusion, only to hold back because he can’t find the words to explain his feelings.
****
Rossi couldn’t have had worse timing. It’s not as if he didn’t know Rossi might do this to him, but Derek had hoped he would resist the urge to be an utter jackass.
Because it’s a priest. A fucking priest. In comparison to some deity deciding it would be hilarious to let him believe he was straight for 20-some years and then drop this mess on him, a priest is just terrible icing on a really shitty cake.
So he asks his questions as quickly as possible, trying his best to avoid the thoughts creeping around the outer edges. In the end, it doesn’t matter; the memories of his past flood his mind anyway.
****
His mother had never been very religious, but in the wake of his father’s death, the church and its members became a strong source of support for the whole family, Derek included, and they started going most every week.
"You don't know God’s plan, but He does."
Derek heard that saying a lot - at the funeral, during sermons, from well-meaning church members - and for awhile, he even believed it. It soothed him to believe that there was some grand reason for his pain, that there was some greater being who cared about him and kept an eye on him.
Four years later, when he realized that his father’s death had only led him straight into Buford’s grasp, he couldn’t understand how that could possibly be the plan of a benevolent god.
Some Sundays, still smelling the stench of Buford on his skin, it was almost more than he could bear and the constant platitudes didn’t help. If God saw the tears that threatened to fall most nights, why didn’t He listen to Derek’s pleas for help? If God never showed up late, where was He when Buford’s hands went further than before?
The last straw came when a guest speaker talked about Hell. For once, he started to feel the weight being lifted off his shoulders as the speaker reminded the congregation that people who hurt others would be punished in the end. He felt hopeful - maybe things really would get better, but if not, then perhaps he could at least hold on to the promise of an eventual punishment.
And then, the man spoke about how men who “touched” other men would burn as well.
It would take years to undo the damage that one statement had caused and even once Derek recognized he had done nothing wrong, he still couldn’t imagine how a loving, caring god would have allowed a scared and vulnerable child’s prayers to go unanswered.
****
He’s shocked by the the blunt honesty that comes out of his mouth when Father Marks asks him what happened to make him so full of contempt for religion.
Maybe it was wrong to expect a response less cliched than the standard “He never gives us more than we can handle,” but he wanted to believe a priest would come up with something that doesn’t make him nauseous.
“Your god expects way too much of 13 year old boys,” he spat. Judging by the look on the priest’s face, he’s certain the vitriol in his words made his point.
****
The case ends in a less than satisfactory way and even though he tries to apologize to Garcia for accidentally insinuating that gorgeous men wouldn’t be attracted to her, his invite to go out is only met with a sharp “I already have plans.”
Somehow, Derek ends up in a pew, praying even though he knows Reid’s assumption when they were on the plane was correct - he’d never really been sold on the idea of god. After all these years, it still feels incredibly uncomfortable, like a shoe that doesn’t quite fit, and the longer he sits, the more it aches. First, he tries talking, which leads to asking for forgiveness, as if begging a supernatural being that he doesn’t believe in will make it all just disappear. Eventually, anger starts bleeding into his requests, the questions he had as a kid become unbearable, and finally something inside him snaps.
Coming to church doesn’t make any sense when he thinks about it, but then again, most last ditch efforts don’t.
****
The air in the bar is so hot and thick that he can barely breathe, which he supposes is good because it means he can’t really think either and that’s kind of what he was going for.
His current partner is similar in shape and build as himself and is possibly Hispanic, but the lighting makes it difficult to tell. It doesn’t really matter to Derek as long as the other man keeps rolling his hips and whispering dirty thoughts in his ear. Despite the last time he was at a bar and everything he’s been feeling lately, he still thought it wouldn’t turn him on this much to be this close to another man. And yet, here he is, kissing a man on the dance floor and hard as a rock. So when Victor asks him if he wants to go somewhere more private, Derek’s not surprised that he decides to take Victor up on his offer.
He doesn’t even realize his phone’s been on silent until Victor is hailing a cab.
Nine missed calls and three voicemails from Reid, begging him to pick up and get to George Washington Hospital as soon as possible.
****
A/N: So I can’t believe that Morgan was in a church for hours. Because he asked Garcia to go out and she said no. Then she goes on the date, which is at least 1.5 hours, possibly more, then she’s in surgery for “a couple hours” by the time he gets there. Obviously, he was at a gay bar and CBS just wouldn't show us that.
Author: freakingdork
Rating: FRT
Characters: Morgan-centric
Word Count: 1539
Summary: “It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.” After confronting his abuser, Morgan struggles with his sexuality.
Warnings: discussions of sexual abuse
Tag to: 3x05, 3x08
****
What appeared to be a straight forward kidnapping case quickly became something far more sinister.
It's not as if child abductions didn't regularly involve sexual abuse, so that wasn’t the thing that had slowly burrowed its way under his skin. It was the fact that Katie had been betrayed not only by her uncle, but her aunt as well.
Family members, by blood or otherwise, were supposed to be people a kid could trust to keep them safe. There was no way for him to be naive about how false that could be, not with his job or his past, and it was always be painful to see a child suffer through the things he had. He knew the feelings they had - guilt, self-doubt, shame, anger, fear, isolation, mistrust - and he knew what they’d have to do to feel as close to normal as they could.
His teammates’ lack of response is actually helpful and he’s sure they know that. Yeah, there’s a flicker of sympathy in Reid’s eye when Derek calls Hotch to tell him what they found at the house and they keep him away from interviewing anyone, even the kid, after that, but really, they keep themselves at a close distance, if that’s possible.
At the end of the day, he gets in his truck without even asking if Reid wants a ride and heads home.
****
He'd just arrived when his phone started buzzing. Looking at the caller id, he grinned half-heartedly.
"Hey baby girl, what's up?"
"Eh, not much I guess. Do you, ah, have plans?"
On the drive home, he’d come up with the idea that he might lay some tile in one of his properties to keep his mind busy, but the tone of her voice worried him a bit. "Naw, I'm free. Did you want to come over? Clooney misses you something terrible."
"Aww, I miss him too. Are you sure you don’t mind?"
He huffed out a laugh. "It’s fine Garcia. Do you want pizza or something else?"
"Oh, don’t order anything, sugar. I'll bring stuff to make my vegetarian chicken and dumplings if that’s alright with you.”
"Damn woman, that sounds a hell of a lot better than pizza. I’m gonna hop in the shower, so just let yourself in."
The quick shower did nothing to ease his mind; as hard as he tried, the case kept coming back to him. Thankfully, he couldn’t help but smile when he found Garcia bustling around his barely used kitchen, Clooney hot on her trail.
“Feel any better?” she asks, smiling back at him.
Derek knows what she's up to. Hell, he knew the moment she called. She's being tricky and he's not entirely sure he minds. It’s not that he really wants to talk, but he appreciates having someone who cares enough to try.
He nods, hoping she won’t pick up on the lie. By the look in her eyes, he can tell she doesn’t believe him.
“Derek, if you want to talk about it, we can, but if you don’t, I’m perfectly content with watching a movie,” she says knowingly, giving him space by turning back towards the oven to check on the food.
Slowly, he lets out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding onto. “Yeah, not tonight mama.”
“In that case, go pick out a movie...the food’s almost done.”
With the help of a good meal and understanding companionship, he does relax, perhaps for the first time in months.
****
For the next couple of weeks, Garcia keeps finding ways to invite herself over and he keeps letting her in. Each time, he comes closer to disclosing his confusion, only to hold back because he can’t find the words to explain his feelings.
****
Rossi couldn’t have had worse timing. It’s not as if he didn’t know Rossi might do this to him, but Derek had hoped he would resist the urge to be an utter jackass.
Because it’s a priest. A fucking priest. In comparison to some deity deciding it would be hilarious to let him believe he was straight for 20-some years and then drop this mess on him, a priest is just terrible icing on a really shitty cake.
So he asks his questions as quickly as possible, trying his best to avoid the thoughts creeping around the outer edges. In the end, it doesn’t matter; the memories of his past flood his mind anyway.
****
His mother had never been very religious, but in the wake of his father’s death, the church and its members became a strong source of support for the whole family, Derek included, and they started going most every week.
"You don't know God’s plan, but He does."
Derek heard that saying a lot - at the funeral, during sermons, from well-meaning church members - and for awhile, he even believed it. It soothed him to believe that there was some grand reason for his pain, that there was some greater being who cared about him and kept an eye on him.
Four years later, when he realized that his father’s death had only led him straight into Buford’s grasp, he couldn’t understand how that could possibly be the plan of a benevolent god.
Some Sundays, still smelling the stench of Buford on his skin, it was almost more than he could bear and the constant platitudes didn’t help. If God saw the tears that threatened to fall most nights, why didn’t He listen to Derek’s pleas for help? If God never showed up late, where was He when Buford’s hands went further than before?
The last straw came when a guest speaker talked about Hell. For once, he started to feel the weight being lifted off his shoulders as the speaker reminded the congregation that people who hurt others would be punished in the end. He felt hopeful - maybe things really would get better, but if not, then perhaps he could at least hold on to the promise of an eventual punishment.
And then, the man spoke about how men who “touched” other men would burn as well.
It would take years to undo the damage that one statement had caused and even once Derek recognized he had done nothing wrong, he still couldn’t imagine how a loving, caring god would have allowed a scared and vulnerable child’s prayers to go unanswered.
****
He’s shocked by the the blunt honesty that comes out of his mouth when Father Marks asks him what happened to make him so full of contempt for religion.
Maybe it was wrong to expect a response less cliched than the standard “He never gives us more than we can handle,” but he wanted to believe a priest would come up with something that doesn’t make him nauseous.
“Your god expects way too much of 13 year old boys,” he spat. Judging by the look on the priest’s face, he’s certain the vitriol in his words made his point.
****
The case ends in a less than satisfactory way and even though he tries to apologize to Garcia for accidentally insinuating that gorgeous men wouldn’t be attracted to her, his invite to go out is only met with a sharp “I already have plans.”
Somehow, Derek ends up in a pew, praying even though he knows Reid’s assumption when they were on the plane was correct - he’d never really been sold on the idea of god. After all these years, it still feels incredibly uncomfortable, like a shoe that doesn’t quite fit, and the longer he sits, the more it aches. First, he tries talking, which leads to asking for forgiveness, as if begging a supernatural being that he doesn’t believe in will make it all just disappear. Eventually, anger starts bleeding into his requests, the questions he had as a kid become unbearable, and finally something inside him snaps.
Coming to church doesn’t make any sense when he thinks about it, but then again, most last ditch efforts don’t.
****
The air in the bar is so hot and thick that he can barely breathe, which he supposes is good because it means he can’t really think either and that’s kind of what he was going for.
His current partner is similar in shape and build as himself and is possibly Hispanic, but the lighting makes it difficult to tell. It doesn’t really matter to Derek as long as the other man keeps rolling his hips and whispering dirty thoughts in his ear. Despite the last time he was at a bar and everything he’s been feeling lately, he still thought it wouldn’t turn him on this much to be this close to another man. And yet, here he is, kissing a man on the dance floor and hard as a rock. So when Victor asks him if he wants to go somewhere more private, Derek’s not surprised that he decides to take Victor up on his offer.
He doesn’t even realize his phone’s been on silent until Victor is hailing a cab.
Nine missed calls and three voicemails from Reid, begging him to pick up and get to George Washington Hospital as soon as possible.
****
A/N: So I can’t believe that Morgan was in a church for hours. Because he asked Garcia to go out and she said no. Then she goes on the date, which is at least 1.5 hours, possibly more, then she’s in surgery for “a couple hours” by the time he gets there. Obviously, he was at a gay bar and CBS just wouldn't show us that.