(no subject)
epiphanies are a bitch... no, i was. i fucked up so terribly. i can't begin to tell anyone how deep the hurt went. i don't want you to take those few lines and think "oh another sorry excuse... who is she saying sorry to now?.. will she ever stop fucking up?" i can tell you, that i can never again be the person i was November 1st 11:50. i never believed i would have an awakening, because i didn't believe i was sleeping. i thought i was aware of everything, and everyone's intentions towards me. i thought everyone was out to get me. and it turns out that even though i knew i didn't mean to, i was the one with the problem all along. people i thought were hurting me, were being hurt by me. and it just kept going back and forth. i really am hoping that i woke up tardy and not too late. i am not expecting for anyone to turn over and say everything is fine. i don't feel i deserve any of the kindness and understanding i am wishing and praying so hard for. i am still waking up. just a little. the little bit that is left is for my mother. because even though i said so many bad things about her, she is the woman that out of love, had me. i didn't ask to come into the world and sometimes i felt as if she owed me something for allowing me to live. i am thankful that i went through all of the good and bad times with her, because she did the best she could, being a child with a child. opening my eyes feels so good, but so much hurt comes from it at the same time, because i have no choice but to wait for those around me to believe me. i have said i was sorry so many times before, but somewhat empty, because even though i meant it, i was expecting acceptance and forgiveness to sleep better at night. this time, i feel that i need to say sorry and while waiting for a possible ray of light to shine upon my undeserving head, i need to make it up to the people that i have wounded a million times more than what i had not all this time... do you understand? but not for me to sleep well at night, for them to know that they mean the world to me, and that i love them, and that i realize and understand, and see clearly now, that even though i felt this way all along, i didn't have what it took to show it the proper way. i was a fool. and i am so, so sorry that it took so long... years actually. it's so strong, this realization, that i want to start talking to my ex bestfriend again. i missed her all this time. and i wanted so much to be in the right, that i never gave her a chance to show me she wanted to love me again. i was angry, and eventually i became angry at myself for not being able to find reasons to stay angry at her for. the things she did, were bad, but i fed the fire and made the way worse than they could have ever gotten. we both fucked up, but even after she fixed herself and tried to come back into my life, i continued to fuck up because i kept telling her to go away. she tried about 5 times. i don't expect her to forgive me, or for anyone to forgive me. i am simply hoping, wishing, praying that i am given a chance to prove i can be the person they used to love and that hopefully that will lead to acceptance of my apology. that's all i want. and i feel so guilty that i even dared to say that. i have no right to want anything right now. that's how bad i feel about all of the pain i inflicted. i really don't want it to seem that i am trying to make this about me, even if they have forgotten about me but have changed for the worse because of the way that i treated them, that is my concern and why i am sorry. i feel great that i woke the fuck up, but i feel so bad that people have suffered because of the way i have been behaving. i was so self absorbed, and so wrong, and deaf. i didn't want to hear anything that didn't say i was the victim. i wanted so much attention that i pushed everyone away, after forcing them to do things my way. there are so many things i have done that i cannot dare to type here because i fear bringing back up bad memories for the people i am saying sorry to, but i am saying sorry to everyone. even my brand new friends from the Cosplay world. i really do appreciate everything you have done for me. the thing you have done for me that i appreciate the most is that you gave me a chance to prove i can be more than a great first impression. i don't know why i did what i did. i wish i had a reason for why i was such a bitch, and for why i judged people who didn't judge me. i have no excuse and had no right, and that will never happen again. i always expected the worse and in doing that, i would shout out at the people around me, that they needed to do things my way or else. and i am so sorry. i saw somethings sometimes, that made me think i had been too rough on people, and too mean, and then i would think or a reason to justify why i was "right". that was some bullshit. i am so wrong, and so sorry that it came to me so late. but i was a monster. like i said, i am only hoping, wishing, and praying for an opportunity to prove i have changed because i realize what i have been doing to those around me, and maybe someday (soon) that will lead to acceptance of my apology... my no-bullshit-heart-aching-truthful-none-expecting-or-deserving-of-forgiveness apology. i really mean it when i say i love everyone i have said those words to, but i didn't appreciate the experience, nor the opportunity i was given from day one to make them feel the love i had declared. i am also sorry this is such a long ass entry. but i needed to get that off my chest before it explodes. some people take longer to mature than others, and i just did. i promise.