midlife crisis
ok, so hopefully i live to be more than 60, so this isnt REALLY a midlife crisis.. but i think i might actually be growing up..
heres some actual, like, non-shallow, thoughts from the brain of freakyjen. they come very few and far between, so take notice ;)
put behind a cut because jamie is bitching about how long it is..
first of all, i'm having several crises. is that how you spell the plural of crisis? anyway.. first of all, its not so much that i WANT another baby, as much as i'm sad i cant have one. maybe its that whole, 'i only want it if you tell me i cant have it' thing. which is very much like me btw. and technically, i still have the right parts to have a baby, its just that i cant deliver a baby vaginally since my hip surgery (my pelvis is fused to my hip, meaning my hips cant spread, meaning baby would get stuck). easy solution right? schedule a c-section... well that would work except for the fact that with jadyn i went into labor at 26 weeks and it took many drs visits, some god-awful meds that i took orally and intravenously that stopped labor and made me shake like crazy, and total bedrest that DROVE ME CRAZY just to keep her in my tummy til week 36 when they took me off the meds and i immediately walked around the mall and went into labor (yeah, i was done being pregnant). anyway, with a history of early labor, its just too big a risk to get pregnant, knowing you would have to deliver by c-section, knowing the possibility of being caught nowhere near a hospital whenever you went into labor. bc if i was forced to deliver vaginally, both the baby and i would die. so... no more babies. again.. not that i want another. i just dont like not having the option.
second.. i liked ribault. i felt like i was helping people who needed me. i was helping inner city kids. kids who didnt have much of a home life. kids where i was really making a difference. when i was sent to englewood, i applied to pace center for girls, where i would have loved to work, and where i actually got hired the day i found out my dad had cancer. another place i could have really helped people who needed me.
i NEED to help people. my life is too jen-centric right now. i know, i'm helping my dad. and that does help. it really does. but to be fair, i'm only paying off a debt, basically.. i mean, he raised me. he paid for me to go to private school for 13 years.. i dont feel like this is a some great thing i'm doing for him.. i feel like this is my duty. i mean, if i didn't, i couldn't live with myself.
so i've been thinking i need to volunteer. i don't have many skills.. well blow jobs dont really count for this i dont think :P.. anyway.. i was thinking either like Police Athletic League cheerleading coaching (i would get to work with inner city little kids) or i could help teach people to read... tho, even as an english major, i dont have the slightest fucking clue how to teach someone how to read (not even my five year old - how sad is that). anyway, if anyone has any ideas, or any websites i could go to for more info, i would appreciate it.
i miss the look in a student's face when they finally learn the concept of adding fractions, or using the quadratic formula. i NEED to feel like i'm helping people.
of course, jamie would probably say i could start by helping him do some damn laundry.... ;)
heres some actual, like, non-shallow, thoughts from the brain of freakyjen. they come very few and far between, so take notice ;)
put behind a cut because jamie is bitching about how long it is..
first of all, i'm having several crises. is that how you spell the plural of crisis? anyway.. first of all, its not so much that i WANT another baby, as much as i'm sad i cant have one. maybe its that whole, 'i only want it if you tell me i cant have it' thing. which is very much like me btw. and technically, i still have the right parts to have a baby, its just that i cant deliver a baby vaginally since my hip surgery (my pelvis is fused to my hip, meaning my hips cant spread, meaning baby would get stuck). easy solution right? schedule a c-section... well that would work except for the fact that with jadyn i went into labor at 26 weeks and it took many drs visits, some god-awful meds that i took orally and intravenously that stopped labor and made me shake like crazy, and total bedrest that DROVE ME CRAZY just to keep her in my tummy til week 36 when they took me off the meds and i immediately walked around the mall and went into labor (yeah, i was done being pregnant). anyway, with a history of early labor, its just too big a risk to get pregnant, knowing you would have to deliver by c-section, knowing the possibility of being caught nowhere near a hospital whenever you went into labor. bc if i was forced to deliver vaginally, both the baby and i would die. so... no more babies. again.. not that i want another. i just dont like not having the option.
second.. i liked ribault. i felt like i was helping people who needed me. i was helping inner city kids. kids who didnt have much of a home life. kids where i was really making a difference. when i was sent to englewood, i applied to pace center for girls, where i would have loved to work, and where i actually got hired the day i found out my dad had cancer. another place i could have really helped people who needed me.
i NEED to help people. my life is too jen-centric right now. i know, i'm helping my dad. and that does help. it really does. but to be fair, i'm only paying off a debt, basically.. i mean, he raised me. he paid for me to go to private school for 13 years.. i dont feel like this is a some great thing i'm doing for him.. i feel like this is my duty. i mean, if i didn't, i couldn't live with myself.
so i've been thinking i need to volunteer. i don't have many skills.. well blow jobs dont really count for this i dont think :P.. anyway.. i was thinking either like Police Athletic League cheerleading coaching (i would get to work with inner city little kids) or i could help teach people to read... tho, even as an english major, i dont have the slightest fucking clue how to teach someone how to read (not even my five year old - how sad is that). anyway, if anyone has any ideas, or any websites i could go to for more info, i would appreciate it.
i miss the look in a student's face when they finally learn the concept of adding fractions, or using the quadratic formula. i NEED to feel like i'm helping people.
of course, jamie would probably say i could start by helping him do some damn laundry.... ;)