My Adventures in the MK: Part Two
"I don’t give a shit, Morton, I’ve had enough of it!" Bowser screamed into the phone.
I couldn’t hear Morton’s reply and didn’t really care.
I was too busy smoking and sharpening the blades King Koopa had decided to give me as weapons since I myself was not a koopa and didn’t have any sorts of special powers or ingrained weapons other than my awesomeness and natural ass-whomping abilities.
Bowser continued berating Morton. Something about failing to capture a Toadstool outpost in Iced Land. I knew damned well he’d never do it, Morton’s a pussy. He talks all big but that’s all, he’s pure talk.
Bowser slammed down the phone and growled, "That worthless little shit. I should’ve sent Iggy!"
"What happened, boss?" I asked as I sheathed my blades.
"That little shit just got his ass handed to him by the Royal Guards. Two of them! Ludwig used to be able to kill armies of them single-handedly. He’s making me look bad! What’s King Toadstool going to think of me when my son, the fruit of my loins gets the shit kicked out of him by a couple of guards at an outpost in goddamned Iced Land?!" He roared.
He was fucking furious.
He sat down on his throne and lit up a cigar.
He took a few puffs and shouted, "Brenda! BRENDA! Get your ass in here!"
Brenda was his royal secretary/fucktoy who came running like a lonesome puppy every time he called her name.
Brenda came rushing in eagerly with a smile on her face as always, "What is it your highness, how may I serve you?"
"Coke. Get me some fucking coke."
"Yes, your highness," Brenda said and she rushed out.
Bowser looked to me and said, "I’m gonna need you to take care of this for me, kid."
Brenda rushed back in with a mirror and a bag of coke. Bowser snorted up a couple lines with bewildering speed and licked his fingertips. He nodded and Brenda left, closing the door behind her.
"Now," he said, looking me in the eyes. "We’ve got Princess Daisy. Morton just tried to take over an outpost in Iced Land and got the hell knocked out of him. He’s a prisoner in Castle Toadstool by now. King Toadstool is going to try use him as a bargaining chip to get back Princess Daisy. That’s not happening.
"I’m going to give him the big Koopa 'Fuck you'. After that, he’ll probably send in his army to take Daisy back by force, thinking that we’re weak judging by how easy it was to catch Morton. He doesn’t know about you though."
King Bowser snorted another line and wiped his nostrils.
"I need you to go Iced Land and take out that army. Every last one of them. Slaughter them like sheep. You can take whatever you want from the bodies; armor, weapons, clothes, money, supplies I don’t care. I just
want them all dead. I’ll be damned if they make it to The Pipe Maze," he said.
"Wouldn’t it be a better idea to just have me sit back here and wait until they attack?" I asked curiously.
"Bwahahaha! That’s a good one, kid!" He laughed. "There’s no way I’m doing that. You’re going to Iced Land."
I really didn’t want to go to Iced Land. I don’t deal well with the cold and I didn’t at all like the idea of sitting around in it waiting for an army to show up.
I lit up a cigarette and took a long drag, "How about this . . . I go to Castle Toadstool. Sneak in ninja style and wipe out the barracks? Shit, I could probably take out King Toadstool himself."
King Koopa did another line and stroked his chin in thought.
He shrugged, "Too risky."
I scoffed, "How do you figure?"
"You’d be walking right into the Lion’s den. Somebody could sneak up behind you, knock you out and capture you. Then what have I got? Nothing. I’ve got the koopalings and they can’t fight off the entire army of Mushroom Kingdom. Morton Jr. is gone, Ludwig is on the lam after his operation. You get captured, I lose."
He had a point. He was dangerous and would undoubtedly kick a ton of ass but up against an army, he and the koopalings hardly stood a chance.
"They won’t just capture me, kid," he said in a somber tone, gradually becoming gruffer as he spoke. "They’ll kill me. They’ll have to. I’d rather be dead than be taken back to the Mushroom Kingdom in chains and
humiliated like some sort of animal. There’s no way I’m letting those little fungoid fucks pelt the Great King Bowser Koopa with garbage."
"I don’t blame you, sir. I’d much rather go to Castle Toadstool and wipe them all out though," I said.
He laughed, "You’ve got spunk, kid, I can’t fault you for that. You remind me of me when I was a koopaling. You’re still going to Iced Land."
"What about Desert Hill?" I asked. "I can fight them there. They’ll never make it to Big Island. Iced Land is too close. If they make it past me somehow, it won’t take them a day to get here."
King Bowser once again stroked his chin.
"You’re right," he said. "I don’t think they’ll get past you but there’s a chance. Yes, go to Desert Hill instead. Kill any guards along the way. I’ll send some soldiers with you to take over the outposts while you head to Desert Hill."
That night I set out for Desert Hill with a small army behind me. In my pack were five bob-ombs, three mushrooms, two fire flowers, a star, and a magic feather. There were also a couple MREs for the long trek. I wasn’t supplied that well but I’d find things along the way so I wasn’t too worried about it.
I’m resourceful like that.
The journey wasn’t very exciting to be honest. It was pretty much just walk a while, kill some Mushroom Kingdom guards, Koopa soldiers take their place, walk a while, kill more guards, repeat.
On the way I collected some more mushrooms and such since I’d need them for taking on the Mushroom Kingdom army. I didn’t know what I was up against. They could all be ninjas for all I knew, or samurais, or in tanks that shoot Bob-ombs.
When I finally got to Desert Hill the two remaining koopas took over the outpost and I sat down on a large rock.
There was nobody in sight. No army. No planes. Nothing. Just the typical desert fare. There were a few Shy Guys running around and those damned bird things and Piranha Plants but that wasn’t anything out of the ordinary.
I couldn’t even hear the sounds of an approaching army.
I just sat there, smoking my cigarette and waiting. I was in an ass-kicking mood and yet there was not a single ass around to kick.
I fucked around with a few Shy Guys. Staring them down, watching them freeze and then stabbing them through the eye holes of their mask and listening to them scream but that got boring pretty quick.
Pussy Shy Guys can’t take a sword in the eye.
When I was a kid I shot a javelin hurled through my face and I pulled it out and threw it back at the guy and it stabbed him in the spleen and he turned to ashes right there.
Finally I decided to continue on, heading towards Grass Land when I heard a loud pounding sound: The sound of the Mushroom Kingdom Army marching towards me.
It grew louder and louder but I couldn’t see them. I drew my swords and got ready to rain an unholy massacre down upon them. At least I was until I saw them coming over the horizon.
They were ninjas. They weren’t samurai. They weren’t in tanks or on horses. They were in battle mechs.
Giant fucking walking tanks with missile launchers and machine guns. There were hundreds of them, maybe thousands, and all were coming right towards me.
I expected them to ride in on horses with swords and shit and they come with fucking mechs, those bastards.
I radioed back to King Koopa, "Sir, I’m in Desert Hill."
"Great!" He said. "Have you wiped out their army yet?"
"Well sir, there’s a bit of a problem," I said. "There’s at least a hundred or more of them. And they’re not just marching in. They’re in battle mechs. All of them. They’re marching right towards me."
"Battle Mechs?! Are you kidding me?!" He shrieked, if they got passed me the Koopa Kingdom and everything in it was fucked.
"No, sir, I’m not. They’re probably about twenty feet tall in those things and they’re armed to the teeth with missiles and machine guns. I hate to say it, but I think I’m a bit over-matched."
The radio went silent for a moment, then Bowser spoke again, "Uhh . . . uh . . . FUCK! Kid, I don’t know what to tell you! Kill them! Take out as many as you can. If you die, you’re a fucking hero. I’ll have a statue made of gold erected in the middle of town."
I chuckle, "If I die sir, I want you to know it’s been a pleasure killing for you."
I switched off the radio and sheathed my swords. I removed two of the bob-ombs from my pack and wound them up all the way, holding the keys in place with my thumbs. I waited for a few moments, watching the army of mechs come closer to me.
I set the bob-ombs down on the ground and released them towards the army and watched them scamper off. I did the same with another pair, leaving one left over for an extra special occasion.
I grabbed the bottle the star was in and a couple of mushrooms. I shoved one mushroom in my pocket and shoved the other in my mouth and chewed it up so that I could swallow it whenever I needed to be huge. I placed the bottle against my chest and I once again unsheathed my swords and began running towards the hundreds of mechs.
The first two bob-ombs exploded, blowing apart about five of the mechs and causing the formation to scatter in surprise. I continued my charge, running as quickly as I could over the sands of Desert Hill.
The second two bob-ombs went off, killing a couple more of the mechs.
Then one spotted me.
The machine gun began blazing, firing thousands of rounds at me. I leapt up on top of it and drove my sword through the top of the cabin and the mech stopped moving.
I opened the door as the other mechs took notice and began firing back. I dropped down inside and pushed the dead Toadstool soldier out of my way. I sat down at the controls and turned on the other mechs, firing my machine guns wildly and launching missiles at everything that the computer saw as friendly.
"Alert, friendly target, do not fire," the computer warned me.
I punched the console, "Shut up, you stupid bitch, that’s an enemy mech! All of them are! They called your mother a whore!"
"Status changed to enemy. Enemy targets acquired. Missile systems launching," the computer said.
"Great. Think you can do it on your own, computer?" I asked it.
"Yes, sir, I am programmed to fight automatically."
I chuckled, "Great. Just don’t hit me, okay?"
I smashed the bottle and grabbed the star inside and swallowed the mushroom mush in my mouth as I leapt out of the mech. I grew to 12 feet tall and I started to flash. I leapt to the closest mech and began slicing wildly, stabbing into it.
I hopped from one to the other, cutting off arms, ripping apart the missile launchers, sometimes dropping missiles inside on the soldiers inside. I cut apart their knees and made them topple over, completely helpless.
It was madness.
Everything I saw was a blur of brownish yellow and grey and red. Sand and metal and fire. The sounds surrounding me were those of metal against metal and the sounds of explosions and gunfire and screams.
I don’t know how long I fought. All I know is that finally I was blown off the top of a mech by a missile that had been launched at it and landed hard on the sand and dirt of the desert floor.
When I awoke everything was blurred.
I heard Wendy O. shout out, "Daddy! He's awake!"
I wiped my eyes and found myself lying in a bed in a hospital. I saw King Bowser walk in through the door with a styrofoam cup in his claw. He walked over to me and handed me the cup, "Here you go, kid."
It was coffee. I took a sip and sat up in bed.
He turned to Wendy O. and said, "Wendy, get out of here, it's time for man talk."
"But Daddy!" She whined.
"Out!" He shouted, pointing to the door.
Wendy O winked at me and said, "See ya later, stud."
She shut the door behind her and Bowser sat down in the chair beside my bed.
"You did good, kid. I honestly didn't expect you to make it when you told me what you were up against. I underestimated you," he said.
"How many did I kill?" I asked, I had no recollection.
"All of them but one. I had a few of the soldiers bring it back. We figured you got inside it somehow and used it to kill off the rest. But then they found you on the ground . . ."
"I did. I had it autotarget them and attack on its own," I said. "I think one of the missiles it shot blew me off one of the mechs. I'm not sure."
He laughed, "Goddamn kid, you're a menace. I love ya! You're an official Koopa now, kid. Radical Eddy Koopa. Hell, you deserve it, you saved everyone in the Koopa Kingdom! You're a hero!"
"And I didn't even have to save a princess," I said with a chuckle.
"We lost your swords. We've scoured Desert Hill and haven't found a damned thing. I'll make sure my finest smiths forge you some new ones. But . . . we have a problem."
"Oh?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah," he said, resting his claw on my forearm and leaning in. "He showed up in the Mushroom Kingdom a couple days ago and guess where he's headed."
"Great," I said with a sigh. "I hope your smiths work fast."