The Epic of Clan Roflmao: V
Juniper awoke at 9 am to find herself alone. Valentino had vanished in the night like a ghost, leaving only a scrap of paper that read, 'I must take leave, we shall meet again,' behind.
She huffed upon reading it, irritated at his sudden departure in the dead of night and his neglecting to inform her that he would be leaving. There were many secrets she had wanted to tell him that would have to go untold until he returned. It seemed an insult that he would do such a thing considering the massive debt he owed to her from years earlier.
After a quick breakfast of fried chicken 'skin' and Capri Sun she ventured off into the outside world taking with her a pair of long slightly curved knives, which she proudly named 'Azhi' and 'Dahaka'.
In her usual way she had no particular plan or reason for going outside. She simply couldn't bear to stay in her apartment. Valentino's smell filled every room and it bothered her immensely.
After walking for several blocks in her usual way, stopping every so often to scream out or expose herself, she came across a small dog sitting patiently outside of the door to a record store.
She stopped and gazed at the small black and brown Dachshund and tilted her head slightly. The dog looked up at her and barked. Juniper laughed and squatted down on the sidewalk by the dog.
"Hello Vidir, it is a pleasure to see you this morning," she said as she pet the dog's head. "Have you lead me here? Is this the destination I was fated to arrive at today?"
The dog barked.
She nodded, "I see. Tell me Vidir, was she armed? Did you see any weapons upon her person?"
The small black and brown Dachshund barked twice.
"Oh. That could be dangerous," she said.
The dog growled quietly.
"I am quite aware, Vidir, it is no cause for concern. You worry far too much; it will be the death of you someday. Have you any word of my siblings?"
The Dachshund sneezed, shaking its head.
"Curses!" Juniper grumbled. "You should be off now, Vidir. Be sure to tell the others and if you receive any correspondence from my siblings be sure to relay them to me."
The dog barked twice and eagerly scampered off down the street.
Juniper stood up and cautiously walked into the record store, catching the eye of the clerk behind the counter who peered up at her momentarily then returned his eyes to a catalogue.
Standing in the country section, gazing at the CDs on the wall was a short, chubby blonde woman. Juniper spotted her and quickly ducked down, hiding herself in the aisle between the racks of used CDs and records.
She began whispering to herself quietly in Aramaic and the scars on her arms began to glow a faint red that was hardly noticeable.
Juniper crept silently down the aisle, gradually coming closer to the blonde woman. The clerk at the counter glanced up once again, raising his eyebrow as he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose.
"Can I help you?" He asked Juniper, alerting the chubby girl.
"Nah, I'm just looking," the blonde said to him, utterly oblivious to Juniper's presence.
Juniper gnashed her teeth at the clerk and pressed her finger to her lips.
"Stop talking you cursed simpleton, you will give away my position!" She thought.
"Are you looking for something? What exactly are you doing down there?" The clerk asked.
"What?" The blonde asked.
"Not you, Miss," he said politely. "I'm talking to this other girl, the one right in front of me."
The chunky woman turned her attention from the CDs on the wall and walked towards the aisle where Juniper hid.
"Damn you, you fool," Juniper grumbled to herself as she reached behind her back and gripped the handles of her knives.
The woman peered around the corner curiously and spotted Juniper as she crouched with her head down and her arms behind her back.
"Howdy!" The woman said in a friendly tone.
Juniper remained silent.
The heavy-set woman stepped towards her cautiously, "Are ya alright?"
"I'm fine," Juniper muttered, forcing herself to speak in the strange manner of common people so as not to alert the woman to her heritage.
"Are ya sure? Haven't I seen ya before somewhere?" The woman asked, resting her hand briefly on Juniper's shoulder.
Juniper leapt up and screamed, "How dare you lay your filthy, murderous hand upon me, Cartwright! I've come to avenge the sins you have committed upon my people!"
The woman stumbled back in surprise and a confused look came upon her face.
"Do I know you?" She asked.
Juniper stepped towards her, "I am sure that you do, you loathsome beast. You are one of the Cartwrights. Your kind has been senselessly murdering my clan for millennia and I have come to end it."
The woman slowly backed away from Juniper, "Ma'am, I ain't never killed nobody. I don't even know you."
"Does the name Roflmao bear any significance to you, you disgusting behemoth?" Juniper asked as the woman backed into the clerk's counter.
"Miss, if you're going to harass my customers, I'm going to have to ask you to leave," the clerk spoke up.
"Hold your tongue, you bastard," Juniper growled. "You have previously foiled my plans and if you continue to interfere, I will remove your head as well."
"I'm calling the police," the Clerk said as he picked up the telephone.
Juniper leapt over the counter, drawing her knives and slitting his throat as she landed on him. This wasn't the first time she was forced to do such things. Years ago she was enlisted by the military to fight in the war against New Zealand.
The husky blonde woman ran for the door as Juniper stood up. The woman charged out of the shop, waddling as quickly as possible. She ran around the side of a yellow pick-up truck and flung open the driver's side door and climbed inside.
Juniper leapt over the counter and down the aisle and through the door as the woman put her truck into drive and began negotiating her way out of her parallel parking spot. Juniper dove into the truck through the open passenger's side window and pressed her knife to the woman's throat.
"Are we traveling elsewhere, Cartwright?" She asked coldly.
The woman began sobbing heavily, "Please don't kill me. I don't know you. I never done nothing to you, please let me go."
"Why?" Juniper asked, rage flashing in her silver and green eyes. "So that you may expel other deranged, sadistic fiends from your gargantuan, cursed womb that will eagerly murder more of the few remaining Roflmao? You know of me; you are aware of the sins of your people. Do you imagine that I am ignorant to your ways?"
"I know! I know! But I never killed anybody. I don't have nothing against Roflmaos, I think the whole feud is stupid and nothing good's ever gonna come out of it," she whimpered.
Juniper gently bit her bottom lip in a moment of hesitation.
This sort of incident was commonplace to her. Single-handedly Juniper had killed off no fewer than thirty Cartwrights and was involved in the deaths of many more however they all had fought against her. They all had acted as mortal enemies, embracing the familial hatred of the Roflmao.
"Do you truly mean the words you speak? Do you promise me your word?" She asked hesitantly.
"Yes! I don't want no part of it all. I don't hate nobody," the girl sniffled.
Juniper sighed and pulled the knife from the woman's throat and slipped them into the sheaths at her back.
"I have no alternative," Juniper murmured. "I am forced to execute because if I do not I shall suffer such a fate. I wish to avenge my clan, the innocents that have been brutally slaughtered by your kind. To steal a life is effortless compared to relinquishing one's own. However in ages past I was a soldier. Such instincts must be cultivated."
The woman whimpered, wiping the tears from her eyes, "Y-You're not gonna kill me?"
"No," Juniper said quietly. "I shall spare you. Return to your occupancy Cartwright and await further instructions."
Juniper climbed out of the truck, once again through the window and began to walk away.
"Ma'am?" The chubby Cartwright woman spoke.
Juniper froze a moment and glanced at her, "Yes?"
"Are any of those things about ya true? You Roflmaos. Like about bein' werewolves and having teeth . . .?"
"Does my appearance bear a lycanthropic countenance?" Juniper asked.
The blonde Cartwright was obviously confused, "Um . . . what does that mean?"
"Do I look like a warwulf?" Juniper asked, imitating the strange Cartwright accent.
"Nope! Ya kinda got big eyebrows but ya don't look like a werewolf to me . . . what's your name anyway?"
"Juniper."
Juniper turned away and began walking back up the street, she had to go consult Qiu Jiang, the wise old man that worked at the bodega next to the dry cleaners near her apartment. She found him quite strange but she forgave that for his advice was absolutely crucial when it was needed.
Whenever she was in doubt of her actions, Qiu Jiang would consort with the ancient spirits and they would give her reassurance and tell her the best possible course of action.
A door slammed and Juniper continued walking. She suddenly fell, twisting as she dropped and landing on her back. She felt as if someone with steel fists had suddenly punched her upper back. She knew this feeling.
The chubby blonde Cartwright woman appeared at Juniper's side as she lay on the sidewalk gazing up at the sky. Resting on the Cartwright girl's shoulder as she held the grip tight was a shotgun.
"It was you! You're the one who killed my Pa and my brothers!" The chubby Cartwright shrieked, shoving the barrel of the shotgun in Juniper's face.
"They were the instigators, I was merely defending myself, you troll. You spoke falsehoods to me; shame upon you and your children, and your children's children. I was a fool to believe that I could trust one of your kind. . ." Juniper groaned.
"Yeah, and now I'm gonna kill off the last Roflmao," The Cartwright girl said with a devlish grin.
Juniper for a moment glanced at the building to her left and saw a dark shape on the rooftop move. She smiled softly and sluggishly sat up, ignoring the dull pain in her back.
"Don't ya fucking move, I'm gonna shoot you, I swear," The blonde warned.
Juniper chuckled and screamed out abruptly in Aramaic and dove ahead, ducking behind a car that was parallel parked by the sidewalk. Juniper glanced towards the rooftops and saw a black and white shape plummeting from the sky and disappearing on the other side of the car.
A car passed uncomfortably close to Juniper on the street and she shouted at it momentarily, returning her attention to the area near passenger's side of the car where the shape had vanished. A figure rose into view and looked to her.
At first glance Juniper found its gender to be indeterminable. The dark hair was cut quite short with the bangs hanging over the person's right eye.
The person smiled and quietly said in a feminine voice, "Hello sister, it looks like I arrived just in time, eh?"
Juniper climbed atop the hood of the car and carefully looked the woman over. She was tall and extremely lean and underdressed. She also appeared to be quite young, in her late teens at best. She was clad in little more than a pair of black pants, a long black coat, and black brassiere, her torso showed several large scars. In her left hand the woman held a slightly curved sword that was smeared with fresh blood.
"If you are my sister, you must bear the marks," Juniper said warily.
The strange underdressed woman slipped the sword into a scabbard that hung from the back of her waist and pushed up the right sleeve of her coat, revealing scars similar to those Juniper bore. She then lifted her left sleeve to show other scars.
Juniper grinned and hopped down from the hood and embraced the strange woman who was obviously of relation to her. The girl kept her arms to her sides, obviously uncomfortable with being hugged.
Juniper released her and said, "Quickly, sister, we must visit Qiu Jiang! But be wary, for he may ask you for strange favours since you are so sparingly dressed. Do not be alarmed, he is harmless and your teats are diminutive."