Norman Rockwell is an Asshole.
One time I was at a party with some friends. We were drinking and talking and having a grand time until somebody knocked at the door. Tom went and answered it and in walked Norman Rockwell like he owned the place. He didn't even greet anybody, he just stormed in and started drinking heavily.
He stood by the keg and anytime anyone came near it, he'd shoved them away and scream racial slurs.
I just ignored him and continued talking with various people I knew.
Around 11 he started screaming about how he was better than everyone and how we were all pussies and that he could outdrink any of us. Then for no reason he unzipped his pants and pulled his dick out.
He walked over to Beth who was talking to Amber at the time and started poking her in the ass with it.
When she turned around he pulled his foreskin back and went 'Whaa!' like he was Bruce Lee.
She rolled her eyes and he screamed in her face, "How 'bout you put THIS in your mouth you filthy slut!"
He proceeded to run around and do the same thing to every white chick at the party.
He walked up up to some Asian chick and pulled the corners of his eyes tight and shouted, "You rike eat rabrador?!"
After being turned down by every chick there, he walked up to me and started pushing me.
"I bet you're circumcised aren't ya?" He slurred at me, still holding his dick in his hand.
"Yeah, so?" I said, I took a sip of my drink.
"Well you know what? You're a filthy mongrel kike! Real Americans are uncircumcised. Why don't you just go back to Jew-land with all the others?" He said, then he started laughing.
Normally, I would've beaten the shit out of him. I'm not even Jewish for fuck's sake, not even a little. However he insulted my wang, which is much more awesome than his was. His junk was all shrivelled and grey and reminded me of a tequila worm.
Sadly I don't fight guys with their wangs hanging out of their pants.
The next door neighbour was a Rabbi and he knocked at the door, obviously wanting us to quiet down. Norman Rockwell shoved Andrew out of the way and answered the door and as soon as he saw the Rabbi, he punched him right in the mouth and slammed the door in his face.
He wandered off and started drinking again.
After he polished off a few more beers he went over to a basket of puppies that was sitting in the corner and he raped every one of them, screaming things like "OH YEAH! I LOVE TIGHT PUSSY!" and "TAKE IT ALL YOU WHORE!"
Most of the guests left and the only ones that stayed were Flame Job, Andrew, Dennis, Tom, and myself. I guess the puppy raping was too much for them. In all actuality Flame Job and I were the only guests left since Tom, Andrew, and Dennis lived there.
Around midnight there was a loud banging at the door. Dennis went over to answer it and the door flew off the hinges and knocked him out cold. Flame Job and I stood in the corner, chuckling amongst ourselves until we felt the ground shake beneath our feet. Pictures hanging on the wall started to fall and everything seemed to shake, I started getting creeped out.
Suddenly Cthulhu appeared in the doorway. He walked right in while Norman Rockwell was belting out a horribly off-key version of Wind Beneath my Wings on the karoke machine. When Norman spotted him he ran right over, got on his knees and started fellating him.
I've seen a lot of things that just shocked and confused the hell out of me but none of them rendered me speechless. This was that thing. Flame Job and I just stood there staring with our mouths agape.
Tom went over and tried to get Cthulhu to leave but he went ignored, for a while. Norman Rockwell kept on sucking with more expertise than any porn star and Tom kept insisting for them both to leave. Cthulhu ended up wrapping his tentacles around Tom's face and just ripping his head right off and eating it. A second later Cthulhu blew a massive load of black semen all over Norman Rockwell who seemed to enjoy it more than he should considering the stuff smelled like sulfur and cat litter.
The two of them went over to the snack/drink table. Norman Rockwell tossed back a few more beers and Cthulhu started shotgunning them left and right, he even shotgunned bottles of liquor, which I didn't think was possible and was also infuriating since the fucker drank the last bit of my Bombay Sapphire and that shit isn't cheap.
After that they started tearing into all the food, little sandwich bites, ants on a log, ritz crackers with spray cheese, nothing was sacred, not until they came to a plate of tacos and a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
When Norman Rockwell saw the tacos, he screamed as he picked up the plate and hurled it at the wall, "What do I look like some kind of border-jumping wetback?!"
The plate shattered against the wall and the tacos spilled out all over the floor, they were ruined and I'd only had one. I was shaking with anger.
I heard Flame Job flicking her Zippo open and closing it. That's always a bad sign. She never does that when she's in a good mood.
Next Norman Rockwell came to the bucket of chicken. He looked at it and scratched his head.
"Cthulhu, what the hell is this?" He asked as he stared at it, arms akimbo.
"Looks like fried chicken," Cthulhu said, it was the worst noise I've ever heard.
"Yeah it does. Cthulhu, do I look like a nigger?"
Cthulhu shook his head.
Norman Rockwell picked up the bucket and dumped it out on the floor and started stomping on it, jumping up and down screaming, "Then why is there nigger food?!"
"I want to set them on fire," Flame Job said softly.
"Me too," was all I could manage.
"I think we should wait," she muttered. "We should observe them for a while and wait until they least suspect retaliation. I will not suffer such injustices."
Norman Rockwell and Cthulhu sat down on the couch and started watching 'Boy Meets World', talking about how it was the greatest show of all time and anyone who said differently was a nigger spic commie chink towelhead.
Cthulhu looked over at Norman Rockwell's boot as his foot rested on the table and said, "I like those boots."
Norman glanced at them and said, "Yeah, I bought them at an Army Surplus store. They're Vietnam jungle boots. They're great for stomping slopes."
They both laughed wildly.
Flame Job and I finally decided to go upstairs and take a nap.
I woke up around 9 the next morning and went downstairs. I glanced towards the front door and just as I did, I saw Norman Rockwell snatch a box of cookies from a girl scout and punch her in the face. He slammed the door and leaned up against it and started massaging his crotch with the box of cookies.
Now I can put up with a lot of shit. But when you sucker punch a girl scout, that's the last straw.
I charged at him and ninja kicked him right in the chest. Normally it would be a fatal blow but since I was sort of hung over the kick wasn't dead on.
The door flew off its hinges and he landed with the door on the walkway outside, about 15 feet from the door. His eyes went wide and he scrambled to his feet and I chased after him. He ran to his car and rolled up the windows.
I ran and got a brick that was loose from the wall across the street and he sped off.
I stood there in the middle of the street watching his car speed away, knowing I couldn't catch it.
Flame Job came wandering out of the house, wrapped up in bed sheets.
She stood beside me and rested her head on my shoulder and said, "Don't worry, boss. We'll get that fucker."
He stood by the keg and anytime anyone came near it, he'd shoved them away and scream racial slurs.
I just ignored him and continued talking with various people I knew.
Around 11 he started screaming about how he was better than everyone and how we were all pussies and that he could outdrink any of us. Then for no reason he unzipped his pants and pulled his dick out.
He walked over to Beth who was talking to Amber at the time and started poking her in the ass with it.
When she turned around he pulled his foreskin back and went 'Whaa!' like he was Bruce Lee.
She rolled her eyes and he screamed in her face, "How 'bout you put THIS in your mouth you filthy slut!"
He proceeded to run around and do the same thing to every white chick at the party.
He walked up up to some Asian chick and pulled the corners of his eyes tight and shouted, "You rike eat rabrador?!"
After being turned down by every chick there, he walked up to me and started pushing me.
"I bet you're circumcised aren't ya?" He slurred at me, still holding his dick in his hand.
"Yeah, so?" I said, I took a sip of my drink.
"Well you know what? You're a filthy mongrel kike! Real Americans are uncircumcised. Why don't you just go back to Jew-land with all the others?" He said, then he started laughing.
Normally, I would've beaten the shit out of him. I'm not even Jewish for fuck's sake, not even a little. However he insulted my wang, which is much more awesome than his was. His junk was all shrivelled and grey and reminded me of a tequila worm.
Sadly I don't fight guys with their wangs hanging out of their pants.
The next door neighbour was a Rabbi and he knocked at the door, obviously wanting us to quiet down. Norman Rockwell shoved Andrew out of the way and answered the door and as soon as he saw the Rabbi, he punched him right in the mouth and slammed the door in his face.
He wandered off and started drinking again.
After he polished off a few more beers he went over to a basket of puppies that was sitting in the corner and he raped every one of them, screaming things like "OH YEAH! I LOVE TIGHT PUSSY!" and "TAKE IT ALL YOU WHORE!"
Most of the guests left and the only ones that stayed were Flame Job, Andrew, Dennis, Tom, and myself. I guess the puppy raping was too much for them. In all actuality Flame Job and I were the only guests left since Tom, Andrew, and Dennis lived there.
Around midnight there was a loud banging at the door. Dennis went over to answer it and the door flew off the hinges and knocked him out cold. Flame Job and I stood in the corner, chuckling amongst ourselves until we felt the ground shake beneath our feet. Pictures hanging on the wall started to fall and everything seemed to shake, I started getting creeped out.
Suddenly Cthulhu appeared in the doorway. He walked right in while Norman Rockwell was belting out a horribly off-key version of Wind Beneath my Wings on the karoke machine. When Norman spotted him he ran right over, got on his knees and started fellating him.
I've seen a lot of things that just shocked and confused the hell out of me but none of them rendered me speechless. This was that thing. Flame Job and I just stood there staring with our mouths agape.
Tom went over and tried to get Cthulhu to leave but he went ignored, for a while. Norman Rockwell kept on sucking with more expertise than any porn star and Tom kept insisting for them both to leave. Cthulhu ended up wrapping his tentacles around Tom's face and just ripping his head right off and eating it. A second later Cthulhu blew a massive load of black semen all over Norman Rockwell who seemed to enjoy it more than he should considering the stuff smelled like sulfur and cat litter.
The two of them went over to the snack/drink table. Norman Rockwell tossed back a few more beers and Cthulhu started shotgunning them left and right, he even shotgunned bottles of liquor, which I didn't think was possible and was also infuriating since the fucker drank the last bit of my Bombay Sapphire and that shit isn't cheap.
After that they started tearing into all the food, little sandwich bites, ants on a log, ritz crackers with spray cheese, nothing was sacred, not until they came to a plate of tacos and a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
When Norman Rockwell saw the tacos, he screamed as he picked up the plate and hurled it at the wall, "What do I look like some kind of border-jumping wetback?!"
The plate shattered against the wall and the tacos spilled out all over the floor, they were ruined and I'd only had one. I was shaking with anger.
I heard Flame Job flicking her Zippo open and closing it. That's always a bad sign. She never does that when she's in a good mood.
Next Norman Rockwell came to the bucket of chicken. He looked at it and scratched his head.
"Cthulhu, what the hell is this?" He asked as he stared at it, arms akimbo.
"Looks like fried chicken," Cthulhu said, it was the worst noise I've ever heard.
"Yeah it does. Cthulhu, do I look like a nigger?"
Cthulhu shook his head.
Norman Rockwell picked up the bucket and dumped it out on the floor and started stomping on it, jumping up and down screaming, "Then why is there nigger food?!"
"I want to set them on fire," Flame Job said softly.
"Me too," was all I could manage.
"I think we should wait," she muttered. "We should observe them for a while and wait until they least suspect retaliation. I will not suffer such injustices."
Norman Rockwell and Cthulhu sat down on the couch and started watching 'Boy Meets World', talking about how it was the greatest show of all time and anyone who said differently was a nigger spic commie chink towelhead.
Cthulhu looked over at Norman Rockwell's boot as his foot rested on the table and said, "I like those boots."
Norman glanced at them and said, "Yeah, I bought them at an Army Surplus store. They're Vietnam jungle boots. They're great for stomping slopes."
They both laughed wildly.
Flame Job and I finally decided to go upstairs and take a nap.
I woke up around 9 the next morning and went downstairs. I glanced towards the front door and just as I did, I saw Norman Rockwell snatch a box of cookies from a girl scout and punch her in the face. He slammed the door and leaned up against it and started massaging his crotch with the box of cookies.
Now I can put up with a lot of shit. But when you sucker punch a girl scout, that's the last straw.
I charged at him and ninja kicked him right in the chest. Normally it would be a fatal blow but since I was sort of hung over the kick wasn't dead on.
The door flew off its hinges and he landed with the door on the walkway outside, about 15 feet from the door. His eyes went wide and he scrambled to his feet and I chased after him. He ran to his car and rolled up the windows.
I ran and got a brick that was loose from the wall across the street and he sped off.
I stood there in the middle of the street watching his car speed away, knowing I couldn't catch it.
Flame Job came wandering out of the house, wrapped up in bed sheets.
She stood beside me and rested her head on my shoulder and said, "Don't worry, boss. We'll get that fucker."