The Presidential Debate: A tongue-in-cheek translation
I have taken it upon myself (no, no need to thank me) to translate last night's first presidential debate into Snark, for the education and entertainment of Livejournal minions. Oh, and yeah, I'm a Dem. My bias is pastede on, yay! Also, it's kinda long. You've been warned :)
The First Presidential Debate: A Translation from English into Snark.
JIM LEHRER: In conclusion, if any of you audience members do anything at all, I will fuck your shit all up. And I don’t look like a Muppet, dammit.
LEHRER: ::looks up, realizes cameras are on:: Welcome to Miami, Florida, between hurricanes. Clearly this is a state abandoned by God, which means that if He decides to smite either of our candidates live on television, it won’t really surprise anyone down here any more. Tonight we will listen to George Bush and John Kerry blame each other for Iraq and claim that they will be the best to lead the country. They have enacted rigorous standards for conduct, which leaves us with the most boring debate format ever, OMG. Let’s bring them out. And remember, audience, don’t make me come back there.
(JOHN KERRY and GEORGE BUSH enter and shake hands at center stage)
JOHN KERRY: You’re mine, bitch.
GEORGE BUSH: I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and comes back onto you.
KERRY: These are your debating skills? Jesus.
(KERRY and BUSH go to their lecterns)
LEHRER: KERRY, since you won the coin toss, you get the first question. Would you be better at stopping another 9/11?
KERRY: First of all, a shout out to my homies here in FLA. Ya’ll have mad pluck, yo. And yeah, I could totally do a better job of stopping another 9/11. Making sure the rest of the world doesn’t actively hate us would be a good start. Maybe we should try talking to them instead of isolating them and then blaming them for things. Just a thought.
BUSH: I love Florida, too! We’ve been pursuing al Qaeda wherever they are, as long as it’s not, you know, Pakistan or Saudi Arabia. We’ve booted the Taliban out of the capital of Afghanistan and now they just terrorize people in the countryside, which is much better. We’ve also pursued people who proliferate weapons of mass destruction, which I have to mention a lot because I spent a lot of time learning how to say that. We’re imposing freedom on the world, dammit. They should be more grateful.
LEHRER: BUSH, this question is for you. VP Cheney says that if we elect KERRY President, it will invite terrorist attacks. Is that stupid or what?
BUSH: ::looks uncomfortable:: I will tap dance around the question for two minutes, Jim, hope you don’t mind. Besides, it’s not like KERRY’s going to win or anything, right? ::laughter::
AUDIENCE: ::silence::
BUSH: But anyway, everyone in the world knows what I stand for. It might terrify them, but they know I’m not gonna change my mind. And that makes us safer, I swear. Look at Afghanistan! Tens of people have registered to vote in elections that will happen soonish! But it’s hard work. I’m going to point that out a lot because people forgot to mention it to me when I decided to run for President, and it kinda explains why I’m not in Washington all that much.
KERRY: I can be resolute, too. Bush has made colossal misjudgments in this war. I know the difference between Afghanistan and Iraq. We have a war against terrorism, which involves lots of countries that weren’t Iraq-there’s no link between Saddam and 9/11 and the sooner everyone remembers that, the more heartbreaking the deaths in Iraq become. Our goal is to defeat Osama bin Laden first. We can deal with crazy dictators a little later. Oh, and here’s my giant list of military leaders who totally agree with me. Thhhp.
LEHRER: ‘Colossal misjudgments,’ huh? Sounds like some good sound bites. Give us a couple of examples, please.
KERRY: Well, he doesn’t know how to form alliances, man. And he went off to war without waiting to see if the 18963.7th UN resolution would work. Which we knew it wouldn’t, but at least give yourself a paper trail. And now we’re in Iraq, pretty much entirely by ourselves, spending hundreds of billions that we could use on American schools or health care or, you know, homeland security here. Or in Afghanistan, where bin Laden used to be.
BUSH: You looked at the same intel I did, skippy. And you said that the world would be a better place without Saddam in it. You did. I heard you. So we took him out. What are you whining about?
LEHRER: Yeah, but what about the whole difference between Osama and Saddam thing that KERRY points out?
BUSH: We can do both. But Iraq’s central to the war on terror.
KERRY: It’s so not. And our troops don’t have enough equipment to do an effective job in Iraq now.
BUSH: But you voted to send troops to Iraq. Now you bitch about it.
KERRY: Yeah, I voted for it. You said we’d have allies and a plan. We’ve got neither. And the mess in Iraq has taken our focus from the original goal of getting rid of al Qaeda in Afghanistan.
LEHRER: Let’s talk about something else. KERRY, why don’t you talk about your plans for homeland security?
KERRY: Well, first of all, I’d make sure that the first responders in the US get the kind of money we’re currently funneling to train police and fire fighters in Iraq. I’d also make sure we actually do stuff to, you know, secure the homeland. Protect subways, inspect cargo, look at what’s coming into the ports. Things that were good ideas in September 2001 that still haven’t been implemented. I’ll pay for it by repealing the big ol’ tax cut for ridiculously wealthy Americans and use that money to protect all Americans. Oh, and we should probably work a little harder to figure out where all the loose nuclear material that Russia used to control is actually going. “It’s around here somewhere” isn’t the most reassuring answer, and at the rate we’re going right now it’s going to take more than a decade to contain all of it.
BUSH: Yeah, the wealthiest Americans aren’t that wealthy, dude. We’ve tripled the amount spent on homeland security to $30 billion, although that’s not saying much since we didn’t spend much time thinking about that kind of stuff before 9/11. We’ve also created the useless Department of Homeland Security that I didn’t want but couldn’t bear for the Dems in the Senate to get credit for. We’re going to update the intelligence community even though every president from the beginning of time has been trying to do that with no kind of luck. Oh, and we’re going to continue using the Patriot Act because it is cool.
KERRY: Change the intelligence community? There’s 100,000 hours of tapes that the FBI hasn’t gotten around to listening to. They’re not looking like they’re all that excited about their new counterterrorism portfolio.
BUSH: Shut up. My job is hard.
LEHRER: Anyway. BUSH, how will you figure out when it’s time to bring troops back from Iraq?
BUSH: We first have to be sure that the Iraqis are ready to take over their own country. That could be years away. They need to have elections and stability and that kind of thing first. And a free Iraq will be a great stabilizing force in the region, eventually. We’ll be there until the job is done-- but the troops over there are great. We love you guys.
KERRY: I love the troops, too. But bringing in more allies with troops would probably help, too. Make folks feel like we’re not an occupying force. Patrol the borders, rather than guard the oil ministry. Stuff like that.
BUSH: Shut up. You didn’t vote to give them money. Or you did vote for it and then you didn’t. Something like that. Crazy Senate procedures.
KERRY: I made a mistake talking about my vote. You made a mistake sending people to war. Who’s the bigger asshole?
BUSH: Sticks and stones, baby.
LEHRER: KERRY, do you think our soldiers are dying for a mistake?
KERRY: No, but I think there’s a better way to proceed than what we’re doing right now. I voted to send troops because I thought we were going to be proceeding cautiously and building alliances. Apparently, not so much. We need to explain again to the folks in the region why having a civil war in their backyard isn’t great; explain to the Europeans that disorder is bad for business. Other countries involved is good. Blowing off the UN isn’t so good.
BUSH: We so didn’t blow off the UN. They were there, then they got attacked, then they left. Now they’re back. And we have allies too. Great Britain, Poland and a dozen other countries that are tiny and kind of hard to find on a map, but they’re in Iraq with us. I have mad alliance building skills. Besides, you’ve said this war is dumb. No one’s gonna follow a guy who wants to send their troops somewhere that he thinks was a bad idea. And we’re talking to people. I talk to them all the time, and Colin Powell is summiting his brains out. So there.
KERRY: We so blew off the UN. And when we went into Iraq, it was us, Great Britain and Australia. Not so much a coalition.
BUSH: And Poland! Don’t forget Poland!
LEHRER: Yeah. Next question. You’ve said there were miscalculations about Iraq? What were they?
BUSH: We were way more effective than we thought we’d be. And that we’d face more of the Baathists before they all went underground and became terrorists. But they realized that if they blend into the population, they’re a lot harder to find. That makes it hard. But giving mixed signals would be bad, too. Even though I think I can be both realistic and optimistic at the same time. It’s hard, hard, hard. You totally couldn’t do better.
KERRY: You totally didn’t answer that question. So I’m assuming that means that even if you knew before we went that we wouldn’t find WMD, even knowing that there’s no connection at all to al Qaeda, you’d still have sent troops. That’s dumb. And our coalition might be nice on paper, but when our biggest ally only has 8,000 troops in the country, it’s not really doing our guys a lot of good, is it? I wouldn’t have gone-there are countries, like North Korea, that are a lot scarier and have nuclear weapons that we can actually prove exist.
LEHRER: You totally just called BUSH a liar, there, boy. Want to elaborate?
KERRY: I never said “lie.” But sure, I’ll give some examples. He said there were nukes: turns out, no nukes. He said we’d have allies: not so much. He said there’d be planning: clearly not. In conclusion, liar, liar, pants on fire. And our bungling the peace in Iraq is handing more recruits to Osama. Not such a great strategy.
BUSH: I refuse to change my position based on new information. Some call this pigheaded and kind of stupid. I like to think of it as decisive. KERRY changed his mind on how effective our troops were being in Iraq based on continuing intelligence reports. I think that’s a lot like flip-flopping.
KERRY: I think that’s kind of a stupid way of looking at things.
BUSH: I hate you.
LEHRER: Hi. Could you stop interrupting me and let me ask another question, please? Has the war in Iraq been worth the cost in lives?
BUSH: I’ve met a wife who lost her husband. We cried and prayed and stuff, and I told her that her sacrifice was worth it because it helps to defeat al Qaeda. My job is hard. But we need to stop threats before they materialize, like Saddam.
KERRY: I’ve known people who’ve died in combat, too. And we have to remember to ask if it’s worth the cost, but we need to separate the war from the warriors. I have a better plan for making sure that what they fight for is seen with respect by the public-you can read about it on my website, because we are all technological and cool.
BUSH: ::jumping around looking kind of pissed::
LEHRER: What?
BUSH: I know what it’s like to be commander in chief, ‘cause that’s my job. And how will the troops ever trust you when you’ve said that they’re in the wrong war at the wrong time in the wrong place? And also, your plan sucks.
KERRY: Colin Powell talked about the Pottery Barn rule before we went into Iraq. You break it, you keep it. We broke it, the troops know it, we need to fix it. Changing policy to one that actually works isn’t a bad thing.
LEHRER: You say you have a plan for getting out of Iraq, KERRY. Tell us about it.
KERRY: Yeah, we need to reassure Iraq that we don’t actually want to stay there forever. Parking ourselves in front of their oil ministry and setting up a dozen permanent bases around their country isn’t making them feel so secure. We’d also secure the borders to make sure that terrorists from other countries aren’t coming in to make life more difficult for our troops. We need coalition partners to help us, and we need to train the Iraqi people much more quickly. That’s my plan.
BUSH: We’ve trained 125,000 people there already. It’s hard, hard, hard work. Did I mention that yet? This job is hard. And my opponent said that the current Iraqi prime minister, who wasn’t elected or anything, might be a puppet. That’s not a way to make friends. Oh, and I think my opponent might actually think Muslims shouldn’t be free.
KERRY: I really, really think they should be free. It’s their country. And I think BUSH’s plan of more of the same is pointless. Currently with the way we’re going the best case we can look forward to is civil war, especially since no one stopping terrorists from coming across the border. I can do better.
BUSH: ::glares:: Of course the terrorists are coming. They hate freedom, truth, apple pie, all that. I will not discuss why we aren’t strengthening the borders, though.
LEHRER: Yeah. Does the experience we’ve had in Iraq make you more or less likely to launch another pre-emptive attack?
BUSH: I hope not, but I won’t rule it out. Iraq was big and evil and diplomacy wasn’t working. Besides, they attacked us first. But my clear speaking and no bullshit approach scared the crap out of Libya, which is why they are dismantling their weapons. Something like that.
KERRY: Bush is so busted! Iraq didn’t attack us at all, at all. Osama attacked us; bin Laden attacked us. But we leave off capturing him in Tora Bora and instead invade Iraq. Now bin Laden’s disappeared again and al Qaeda is in over 60 countries. And Iraq wasn’t getting stronger-we had sanctions and no-fly zones. More patience over Iraq would have put us in a stronger position today.
BUSH: I know bin Laden attacked us. I’m not stupid. And Saddam was so a big bad. He was going to start making more weapons. We could have resolutioned him forever and nothing would have changed.
KERRY: There were so many countries closer to having big scary weapons than Iraq. North Korea has them; Iran wants them. Sudan is in the middle of genocide and all of troops are engaged in Iraq. I’d have done things better.
LEHRER: So what do you think about preemptive wars?
KERRY: I think it should always be an option, but making sure the world knows what you’re planning is probably a nice courtesy, just so they don’t think you’re invading ‘cause you’re bored and stuff. And making sure to talk with world organizations like the UN and signing global treaties goes a long way toward making the rest of the world trust you.
BUSH: I will not be held accountable to anyone. If the world doesn’t like it, screw ‘em. Besides, some of their treaties are stupid, like the International Criminal Court. We don’t need to be brought to the Hague to be tried by judges that aren’t American, dammit.
LEHRER: Yeah, not sure how the ICC came up, but whatever. Do you think diplomacy and sanctions will work in North Korea and Iran?
BUSH: Yeah, but not bilateral discussions with North Korea. The Clinton Administration did that, and everything that they did was stupid, so we stopped those. Now we deal with North Korea as part of a block of people, even though most of those countries also have bilateral talks with North Korea that we aren’t a part of. Iran we talk to with the Brits, the French and the Germans, but I’m not talking about what’s going on with that, especially since the IAEA just gave Iran a big ol’ smackdown which says they weren’t really paying a lot of attention to the multilateral negotiations that were being conducted.
KERRY: Also because we kind of weren’t involved in the discussion in Iran, but whatever. Also, BUSH reversed the policy of the State Dept. without a heads-up to Powell and then ignored North Korea for almost two years.
LEHRER: Let’s talk about the genocide in Sudan.
KERRY: Terrible, awful. We’ve been pushing BUSH for months to send more than just aid to help the folks at the African Union, but it seems that all of our troops are in Iraq. Oops. If I were president, I’d add a couple more divisions to the army right now to fix this current overextension.
BUSH: Yep, genocide. Good luck with that, African Union. We sent you some money!
LEHRER: BUSH, do you think there are any character differences between you and KERRY that wouldn’t make him fit to be president?
BUSH: ::tapdances:: Um, he’s a military guy? That’s good. And he’s a good dad. And he went to Yale. But yeah, he’s a big ol’ flipflopper.
KERRY: Yeah, BUSH’s wife’s pretty cool. And I’ve learned to ignore his daughters. But he’s totally pigheaded. Won’t change his mind, even when he’s wrong and that’s stupid.
BUSH: I could change my mind if I wanted to. The military guys said everything’s fine, though. Thhhp. You’d just wilt under the pressure. Heh.
KERRY: I’ve never wilted in my life. I refuse to acknowledge how sexually suggestive that could be. And I so didn’t flipflop on Iraq, so stop saying that.
LEHRER: What’s the most serious threat facing the US right now?
KERRY: Nuclear proliferation. And only part of the reason I choose this is because listening to my opponent say “nuclear proliferation” should be hysterical. But yeah, we don’t know where all of the former Soviet Union’s nukes have gone, and at the rate this Administration is dealing with the problem it’s gonna take 13 years. That’s bad. And standing strong on nuclear proliferation will send a message to North Korea and Iran. But not if we’re making our own new and better nukes. We should stop that.
BUSH: I agree that the biggest problem is nuclear proliferation. Look, I said it right. I’ll say it again because I’m just that cool. We’ve done all that stuff KERRY mentions, and we’ve also thrown a lot of money into missile defense, which hasn’t actually worked yet, but if it ever does should be really cool. KERRY thinks missile defense is pointless, by the way.
KERRY: If you think nuclear proliferation is so important, maybe you should have made some progress in the last four years on the issue or something. Maybe then North Korea and Iran wouldn’t be so fricken’ dangerous.
BUSH: Bite me. Bilateral talks with North Korea is still a stupid idea.
LEHRER: Last question, praise God. What do you think about Putin using the Beslan terrorist attack to consolidate all power to the Kremlin?
BUSH: Yeah, I told him that was probably bad, but he’s a pretty big ally on the war against terror, so I didn’t say it too loudly. But he’s pretty ruthless, being ex-KGB and all, and is very direct in dealing with threats, in the sense of killing everyone, so I think I understand him. I’ll continue working with him when I continue to be president ‘cause you’re totally going to reelect me and stuff.
KERRY: I was in Russia right after communism fell, before BUSH could pronounce communism. What Putin is doing goes beyond a reaction to terrorism. He’s taking over television stations; he’s putting political opposition in jail. That’s bad, but let me go back to whacking the President a bit about North Korea. Bilateral talks would be fine. Just because BUSH says they’re a bad idea doesn’t make it a bad idea. He can’t pronounce “nuclear” right two times out of three.
BUSH: Still a dumb idea. By the way, and apropos to nothing, he thought Iraq was a good idea when we brought it to the Senate.
KERRY: Shut up. It was a threat, I agree with that part. I also believe that you handled it incredibly badly. Thhhp.
LEHRER: Closing statements, thank the good Lord. KERRY, you first.
KERRY: I’ll defend this nation, you mother of America who hasn’t made up her mind yet. Allies are good, though, when embarking on foreign policy. We need a fresh start, new credibility. Vote for me.
BUSH: We shouldn’t change course because that would be bad and weak and stuff. In the next four years, we’ll continue to strengthen our nation, our intelligence service and reform our military. Allies are good, but I won’t let them dictate to us. I now say something that’s poetic and out of context and look kind of uncomfortable doing it. Vote for me.
If you want, well, the actual transcript, I love the Washington Post's coverage, which includes fact checking.
The First Presidential Debate: A Translation from English into Snark.
JIM LEHRER: In conclusion, if any of you audience members do anything at all, I will fuck your shit all up. And I don’t look like a Muppet, dammit.
LEHRER: ::looks up, realizes cameras are on:: Welcome to Miami, Florida, between hurricanes. Clearly this is a state abandoned by God, which means that if He decides to smite either of our candidates live on television, it won’t really surprise anyone down here any more. Tonight we will listen to George Bush and John Kerry blame each other for Iraq and claim that they will be the best to lead the country. They have enacted rigorous standards for conduct, which leaves us with the most boring debate format ever, OMG. Let’s bring them out. And remember, audience, don’t make me come back there.
(JOHN KERRY and GEORGE BUSH enter and shake hands at center stage)
JOHN KERRY: You’re mine, bitch.
GEORGE BUSH: I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and comes back onto you.
KERRY: These are your debating skills? Jesus.
(KERRY and BUSH go to their lecterns)
LEHRER: KERRY, since you won the coin toss, you get the first question. Would you be better at stopping another 9/11?
KERRY: First of all, a shout out to my homies here in FLA. Ya’ll have mad pluck, yo. And yeah, I could totally do a better job of stopping another 9/11. Making sure the rest of the world doesn’t actively hate us would be a good start. Maybe we should try talking to them instead of isolating them and then blaming them for things. Just a thought.
BUSH: I love Florida, too! We’ve been pursuing al Qaeda wherever they are, as long as it’s not, you know, Pakistan or Saudi Arabia. We’ve booted the Taliban out of the capital of Afghanistan and now they just terrorize people in the countryside, which is much better. We’ve also pursued people who proliferate weapons of mass destruction, which I have to mention a lot because I spent a lot of time learning how to say that. We’re imposing freedom on the world, dammit. They should be more grateful.
LEHRER: BUSH, this question is for you. VP Cheney says that if we elect KERRY President, it will invite terrorist attacks. Is that stupid or what?
BUSH: ::looks uncomfortable:: I will tap dance around the question for two minutes, Jim, hope you don’t mind. Besides, it’s not like KERRY’s going to win or anything, right? ::laughter::
AUDIENCE: ::silence::
BUSH: But anyway, everyone in the world knows what I stand for. It might terrify them, but they know I’m not gonna change my mind. And that makes us safer, I swear. Look at Afghanistan! Tens of people have registered to vote in elections that will happen soonish! But it’s hard work. I’m going to point that out a lot because people forgot to mention it to me when I decided to run for President, and it kinda explains why I’m not in Washington all that much.
KERRY: I can be resolute, too. Bush has made colossal misjudgments in this war. I know the difference between Afghanistan and Iraq. We have a war against terrorism, which involves lots of countries that weren’t Iraq-there’s no link between Saddam and 9/11 and the sooner everyone remembers that, the more heartbreaking the deaths in Iraq become. Our goal is to defeat Osama bin Laden first. We can deal with crazy dictators a little later. Oh, and here’s my giant list of military leaders who totally agree with me. Thhhp.
LEHRER: ‘Colossal misjudgments,’ huh? Sounds like some good sound bites. Give us a couple of examples, please.
KERRY: Well, he doesn’t know how to form alliances, man. And he went off to war without waiting to see if the 18963.7th UN resolution would work. Which we knew it wouldn’t, but at least give yourself a paper trail. And now we’re in Iraq, pretty much entirely by ourselves, spending hundreds of billions that we could use on American schools or health care or, you know, homeland security here. Or in Afghanistan, where bin Laden used to be.
BUSH: You looked at the same intel I did, skippy. And you said that the world would be a better place without Saddam in it. You did. I heard you. So we took him out. What are you whining about?
LEHRER: Yeah, but what about the whole difference between Osama and Saddam thing that KERRY points out?
BUSH: We can do both. But Iraq’s central to the war on terror.
KERRY: It’s so not. And our troops don’t have enough equipment to do an effective job in Iraq now.
BUSH: But you voted to send troops to Iraq. Now you bitch about it.
KERRY: Yeah, I voted for it. You said we’d have allies and a plan. We’ve got neither. And the mess in Iraq has taken our focus from the original goal of getting rid of al Qaeda in Afghanistan.
LEHRER: Let’s talk about something else. KERRY, why don’t you talk about your plans for homeland security?
KERRY: Well, first of all, I’d make sure that the first responders in the US get the kind of money we’re currently funneling to train police and fire fighters in Iraq. I’d also make sure we actually do stuff to, you know, secure the homeland. Protect subways, inspect cargo, look at what’s coming into the ports. Things that were good ideas in September 2001 that still haven’t been implemented. I’ll pay for it by repealing the big ol’ tax cut for ridiculously wealthy Americans and use that money to protect all Americans. Oh, and we should probably work a little harder to figure out where all the loose nuclear material that Russia used to control is actually going. “It’s around here somewhere” isn’t the most reassuring answer, and at the rate we’re going right now it’s going to take more than a decade to contain all of it.
BUSH: Yeah, the wealthiest Americans aren’t that wealthy, dude. We’ve tripled the amount spent on homeland security to $30 billion, although that’s not saying much since we didn’t spend much time thinking about that kind of stuff before 9/11. We’ve also created the useless Department of Homeland Security that I didn’t want but couldn’t bear for the Dems in the Senate to get credit for. We’re going to update the intelligence community even though every president from the beginning of time has been trying to do that with no kind of luck. Oh, and we’re going to continue using the Patriot Act because it is cool.
KERRY: Change the intelligence community? There’s 100,000 hours of tapes that the FBI hasn’t gotten around to listening to. They’re not looking like they’re all that excited about their new counterterrorism portfolio.
BUSH: Shut up. My job is hard.
LEHRER: Anyway. BUSH, how will you figure out when it’s time to bring troops back from Iraq?
BUSH: We first have to be sure that the Iraqis are ready to take over their own country. That could be years away. They need to have elections and stability and that kind of thing first. And a free Iraq will be a great stabilizing force in the region, eventually. We’ll be there until the job is done-- but the troops over there are great. We love you guys.
KERRY: I love the troops, too. But bringing in more allies with troops would probably help, too. Make folks feel like we’re not an occupying force. Patrol the borders, rather than guard the oil ministry. Stuff like that.
BUSH: Shut up. You didn’t vote to give them money. Or you did vote for it and then you didn’t. Something like that. Crazy Senate procedures.
KERRY: I made a mistake talking about my vote. You made a mistake sending people to war. Who’s the bigger asshole?
BUSH: Sticks and stones, baby.
LEHRER: KERRY, do you think our soldiers are dying for a mistake?
KERRY: No, but I think there’s a better way to proceed than what we’re doing right now. I voted to send troops because I thought we were going to be proceeding cautiously and building alliances. Apparently, not so much. We need to explain again to the folks in the region why having a civil war in their backyard isn’t great; explain to the Europeans that disorder is bad for business. Other countries involved is good. Blowing off the UN isn’t so good.
BUSH: We so didn’t blow off the UN. They were there, then they got attacked, then they left. Now they’re back. And we have allies too. Great Britain, Poland and a dozen other countries that are tiny and kind of hard to find on a map, but they’re in Iraq with us. I have mad alliance building skills. Besides, you’ve said this war is dumb. No one’s gonna follow a guy who wants to send their troops somewhere that he thinks was a bad idea. And we’re talking to people. I talk to them all the time, and Colin Powell is summiting his brains out. So there.
KERRY: We so blew off the UN. And when we went into Iraq, it was us, Great Britain and Australia. Not so much a coalition.
BUSH: And Poland! Don’t forget Poland!
LEHRER: Yeah. Next question. You’ve said there were miscalculations about Iraq? What were they?
BUSH: We were way more effective than we thought we’d be. And that we’d face more of the Baathists before they all went underground and became terrorists. But they realized that if they blend into the population, they’re a lot harder to find. That makes it hard. But giving mixed signals would be bad, too. Even though I think I can be both realistic and optimistic at the same time. It’s hard, hard, hard. You totally couldn’t do better.
KERRY: You totally didn’t answer that question. So I’m assuming that means that even if you knew before we went that we wouldn’t find WMD, even knowing that there’s no connection at all to al Qaeda, you’d still have sent troops. That’s dumb. And our coalition might be nice on paper, but when our biggest ally only has 8,000 troops in the country, it’s not really doing our guys a lot of good, is it? I wouldn’t have gone-there are countries, like North Korea, that are a lot scarier and have nuclear weapons that we can actually prove exist.
LEHRER: You totally just called BUSH a liar, there, boy. Want to elaborate?
KERRY: I never said “lie.” But sure, I’ll give some examples. He said there were nukes: turns out, no nukes. He said we’d have allies: not so much. He said there’d be planning: clearly not. In conclusion, liar, liar, pants on fire. And our bungling the peace in Iraq is handing more recruits to Osama. Not such a great strategy.
BUSH: I refuse to change my position based on new information. Some call this pigheaded and kind of stupid. I like to think of it as decisive. KERRY changed his mind on how effective our troops were being in Iraq based on continuing intelligence reports. I think that’s a lot like flip-flopping.
KERRY: I think that’s kind of a stupid way of looking at things.
BUSH: I hate you.
LEHRER: Hi. Could you stop interrupting me and let me ask another question, please? Has the war in Iraq been worth the cost in lives?
BUSH: I’ve met a wife who lost her husband. We cried and prayed and stuff, and I told her that her sacrifice was worth it because it helps to defeat al Qaeda. My job is hard. But we need to stop threats before they materialize, like Saddam.
KERRY: I’ve known people who’ve died in combat, too. And we have to remember to ask if it’s worth the cost, but we need to separate the war from the warriors. I have a better plan for making sure that what they fight for is seen with respect by the public-you can read about it on my website, because we are all technological and cool.
BUSH: ::jumping around looking kind of pissed::
LEHRER: What?
BUSH: I know what it’s like to be commander in chief, ‘cause that’s my job. And how will the troops ever trust you when you’ve said that they’re in the wrong war at the wrong time in the wrong place? And also, your plan sucks.
KERRY: Colin Powell talked about the Pottery Barn rule before we went into Iraq. You break it, you keep it. We broke it, the troops know it, we need to fix it. Changing policy to one that actually works isn’t a bad thing.
LEHRER: You say you have a plan for getting out of Iraq, KERRY. Tell us about it.
KERRY: Yeah, we need to reassure Iraq that we don’t actually want to stay there forever. Parking ourselves in front of their oil ministry and setting up a dozen permanent bases around their country isn’t making them feel so secure. We’d also secure the borders to make sure that terrorists from other countries aren’t coming in to make life more difficult for our troops. We need coalition partners to help us, and we need to train the Iraqi people much more quickly. That’s my plan.
BUSH: We’ve trained 125,000 people there already. It’s hard, hard, hard work. Did I mention that yet? This job is hard. And my opponent said that the current Iraqi prime minister, who wasn’t elected or anything, might be a puppet. That’s not a way to make friends. Oh, and I think my opponent might actually think Muslims shouldn’t be free.
KERRY: I really, really think they should be free. It’s their country. And I think BUSH’s plan of more of the same is pointless. Currently with the way we’re going the best case we can look forward to is civil war, especially since no one stopping terrorists from coming across the border. I can do better.
BUSH: ::glares:: Of course the terrorists are coming. They hate freedom, truth, apple pie, all that. I will not discuss why we aren’t strengthening the borders, though.
LEHRER: Yeah. Does the experience we’ve had in Iraq make you more or less likely to launch another pre-emptive attack?
BUSH: I hope not, but I won’t rule it out. Iraq was big and evil and diplomacy wasn’t working. Besides, they attacked us first. But my clear speaking and no bullshit approach scared the crap out of Libya, which is why they are dismantling their weapons. Something like that.
KERRY: Bush is so busted! Iraq didn’t attack us at all, at all. Osama attacked us; bin Laden attacked us. But we leave off capturing him in Tora Bora and instead invade Iraq. Now bin Laden’s disappeared again and al Qaeda is in over 60 countries. And Iraq wasn’t getting stronger-we had sanctions and no-fly zones. More patience over Iraq would have put us in a stronger position today.
BUSH: I know bin Laden attacked us. I’m not stupid. And Saddam was so a big bad. He was going to start making more weapons. We could have resolutioned him forever and nothing would have changed.
KERRY: There were so many countries closer to having big scary weapons than Iraq. North Korea has them; Iran wants them. Sudan is in the middle of genocide and all of troops are engaged in Iraq. I’d have done things better.
LEHRER: So what do you think about preemptive wars?
KERRY: I think it should always be an option, but making sure the world knows what you’re planning is probably a nice courtesy, just so they don’t think you’re invading ‘cause you’re bored and stuff. And making sure to talk with world organizations like the UN and signing global treaties goes a long way toward making the rest of the world trust you.
BUSH: I will not be held accountable to anyone. If the world doesn’t like it, screw ‘em. Besides, some of their treaties are stupid, like the International Criminal Court. We don’t need to be brought to the Hague to be tried by judges that aren’t American, dammit.
LEHRER: Yeah, not sure how the ICC came up, but whatever. Do you think diplomacy and sanctions will work in North Korea and Iran?
BUSH: Yeah, but not bilateral discussions with North Korea. The Clinton Administration did that, and everything that they did was stupid, so we stopped those. Now we deal with North Korea as part of a block of people, even though most of those countries also have bilateral talks with North Korea that we aren’t a part of. Iran we talk to with the Brits, the French and the Germans, but I’m not talking about what’s going on with that, especially since the IAEA just gave Iran a big ol’ smackdown which says they weren’t really paying a lot of attention to the multilateral negotiations that were being conducted.
KERRY: Also because we kind of weren’t involved in the discussion in Iran, but whatever. Also, BUSH reversed the policy of the State Dept. without a heads-up to Powell and then ignored North Korea for almost two years.
LEHRER: Let’s talk about the genocide in Sudan.
KERRY: Terrible, awful. We’ve been pushing BUSH for months to send more than just aid to help the folks at the African Union, but it seems that all of our troops are in Iraq. Oops. If I were president, I’d add a couple more divisions to the army right now to fix this current overextension.
BUSH: Yep, genocide. Good luck with that, African Union. We sent you some money!
LEHRER: BUSH, do you think there are any character differences between you and KERRY that wouldn’t make him fit to be president?
BUSH: ::tapdances:: Um, he’s a military guy? That’s good. And he’s a good dad. And he went to Yale. But yeah, he’s a big ol’ flipflopper.
KERRY: Yeah, BUSH’s wife’s pretty cool. And I’ve learned to ignore his daughters. But he’s totally pigheaded. Won’t change his mind, even when he’s wrong and that’s stupid.
BUSH: I could change my mind if I wanted to. The military guys said everything’s fine, though. Thhhp. You’d just wilt under the pressure. Heh.
KERRY: I’ve never wilted in my life. I refuse to acknowledge how sexually suggestive that could be. And I so didn’t flipflop on Iraq, so stop saying that.
LEHRER: What’s the most serious threat facing the US right now?
KERRY: Nuclear proliferation. And only part of the reason I choose this is because listening to my opponent say “nuclear proliferation” should be hysterical. But yeah, we don’t know where all of the former Soviet Union’s nukes have gone, and at the rate this Administration is dealing with the problem it’s gonna take 13 years. That’s bad. And standing strong on nuclear proliferation will send a message to North Korea and Iran. But not if we’re making our own new and better nukes. We should stop that.
BUSH: I agree that the biggest problem is nuclear proliferation. Look, I said it right. I’ll say it again because I’m just that cool. We’ve done all that stuff KERRY mentions, and we’ve also thrown a lot of money into missile defense, which hasn’t actually worked yet, but if it ever does should be really cool. KERRY thinks missile defense is pointless, by the way.
KERRY: If you think nuclear proliferation is so important, maybe you should have made some progress in the last four years on the issue or something. Maybe then North Korea and Iran wouldn’t be so fricken’ dangerous.
BUSH: Bite me. Bilateral talks with North Korea is still a stupid idea.
LEHRER: Last question, praise God. What do you think about Putin using the Beslan terrorist attack to consolidate all power to the Kremlin?
BUSH: Yeah, I told him that was probably bad, but he’s a pretty big ally on the war against terror, so I didn’t say it too loudly. But he’s pretty ruthless, being ex-KGB and all, and is very direct in dealing with threats, in the sense of killing everyone, so I think I understand him. I’ll continue working with him when I continue to be president ‘cause you’re totally going to reelect me and stuff.
KERRY: I was in Russia right after communism fell, before BUSH could pronounce communism. What Putin is doing goes beyond a reaction to terrorism. He’s taking over television stations; he’s putting political opposition in jail. That’s bad, but let me go back to whacking the President a bit about North Korea. Bilateral talks would be fine. Just because BUSH says they’re a bad idea doesn’t make it a bad idea. He can’t pronounce “nuclear” right two times out of three.
BUSH: Still a dumb idea. By the way, and apropos to nothing, he thought Iraq was a good idea when we brought it to the Senate.
KERRY: Shut up. It was a threat, I agree with that part. I also believe that you handled it incredibly badly. Thhhp.
LEHRER: Closing statements, thank the good Lord. KERRY, you first.
KERRY: I’ll defend this nation, you mother of America who hasn’t made up her mind yet. Allies are good, though, when embarking on foreign policy. We need a fresh start, new credibility. Vote for me.
BUSH: We shouldn’t change course because that would be bad and weak and stuff. In the next four years, we’ll continue to strengthen our nation, our intelligence service and reform our military. Allies are good, but I won’t let them dictate to us. I now say something that’s poetic and out of context and look kind of uncomfortable doing it. Vote for me.
If you want, well, the actual transcript, I love the Washington Post's coverage, which includes fact checking.