The translation of the Inaugural Address into Snark
So Bush gave his second Inaugural Address. And because I haven't done anything political in a while, I figured that I should probably translate this sucker into Snark. As before, my liberal bias is pastede on, yay!
BUSH: Dick, Bill, Jimmy, Dad, Jackass, clergy folks, corporate sponsors, lobbyists and lawyers who are currently charging by the hour, and all of the rest of you freezing your asses off here in Washington, welcome. Oh, and look out for that terrorist behind you!
Heh, just a little paranoid security humor. The Secret Service loves that. But anyway, folks, I’m awfully excited to be here again, especially since my advisors have informed me that the swearing-in’s required by law. And how about that Constitution? Big round of applause for our founding document, folks. I’m gonna change it, natch, but it’s done good for being a completely antiquated piece of paper.
Today is a day where we look back on our history and say “America/Freedom OTP”. For the last fifty years, we’ve totally been guarding the borders of freedom in places that aren’t the United States. After the shipwreck of communism, where we were stranded on the deserted island of Mutually Assured Destruction and chased by the polar bears of nuclear proliferation and living in fear of the big scary dinosaur of the Warsaw Pact, we have finally come out into a safer, better world, where this stuff is only seen on TV.
Except that terrorism is totally scarier.
And it’s all because of one, okay, many, scary regions of the world that are ideologically conservative and completely closed to change. Red staters, raise your hands! Kidding, kidding. I’m talking, of course, about other parts of the world, where people there Aren’t Like Us, If You Know What I Mean. And the only way to make it better over there is to bring them freedom, dammit, and really, they ought to be more grateful about it.
After all, it’s now our calling to bring democracy to everyone, whether they want it or not. We believe that everyone has a right to be free because they have been endowed by their Creator with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Except I’ll say it in a way that is way less poetic.
So yeah, that’s totally what we’ll be doing this term, except not through force of arms. I’ll wait here for Rummy and Wolfowitz to stop laughing. No, it’s going to be all about diplomacy this time around, except when other countries start it-and Iran and North Korea, we’re looking at you here. And remember that other people’s version of democracy might be very different from what we’re used to-I hear that parts of Europe don’t even have a Congress, or a Republican party-and they still seem to be holding together okay. Especially Poland. We love you, Poland!
But this task that I’ve appointed to you, this current generation, and you, the next generation, and you over there, the generation after that, and you and you and you, people centuries down the line, is not an easy one. America isn’t completely omnipotent, sadly, but we’re still freaking awesome, so we’ll totally be able to pull this off. Someday. Eventually.
Some people, some heartless, cruel people who are definitely being looked into by the Justice Department, have questioned whether the rest of the world really wants liberty. We should never be surprised by the power of our ideals: if we’ve convinced the world that McDonald’s is real food, convincing them that liberty is a good idea should be a piece of cake.
We say to the people of the world living in oppression: we will help you. Except of course if you are in an inconvenient location, or Africa. For those of you in prison for your work for democracy: we recognize you as future leaders of your nation. Unless you’re insane, in which case, well, never mind. If you run a country where elections are surrounded by air quotes, you need to learn to trust your people. Except in places like Florida or Ohio, of course. And if you are a dictatorial regime-we know that it’s easier in terms of paperwork, and way streamlined, but our polls have said that it’s also kind of a shitty way to treat your people. Saudi Arabia, we’re not actually talking about you, though, so don’t worry.
And allies, don’t think I didn’t notice how much you wanted Kerry to win this election. But I’ve been reelected, so the line for groveling begins over on Pennsylvania Avenue. I look forward to your gifts.
You Americans who have been spacing out during the last five minutes of my speech when I totally wasn’t talking to you need to tune in again now. I’ve made obligations for our country for the next, oh, three hundred years, so you should probably know what I’ve signed you up for. I put us into Iraq and promised the people there that we’d give them a functioning democracy, so leaving right now because it totally didn’t work would be a shitty thing to do. Sorry about that, gang. And our work there has lit a fire in the minds of men. Unfortunately, it’s a fundamentalist fire and boy are they pissed about us taking over an Islamic nation, but I’m confident that they’ll get over it in a generation or two.
And if they don’t, well, we’ve got our intelligence and diplomatic corps to help us out with that. We’ll give them shiny new pencils and wish them the best of luck, mostly because every dime the Treasury prints from now until the end of time will be heading into the DoD. Please, though, let’s take a moment to think about those who have given their lives to help others experience freedom. We’ll always remember them.
But we need more people who would be dedicated to this new cause for liberty. Come on, young people! You know you want to do something with your lives that is bigger than working for an evil, ridiculously paying corporate entity. Join the government! We pay even less!
America needs idealism and courage because while we might be exporting the wonders of liberty to the rest of the world, life at home ain’t exactly fantastically wonderful, is it, folks? In our past, we’ve improved the lives of our citizens with the Homestead Act, with the Social Security Act, and with the GI Bill. Those all cost money, though, so they’ll be revoked later today.
Unless you still want to move to South Dakota, of course, in which case, rock the hell on. We’ll make each citizen of this nation an agent of their own destiny, by which I mean don’t be expecting nothin’ from this federal government.
Except that we’ll totally be helping you develop your character and stuff. Because public interest depends on integrity and tolerance for folks except for those of us who are different than everyone else, and listening to our consciences. Character is built on family, which is dependent on communities totally butting into our lives and making sure that everyone goes to church or temple or mosque. Americans, at our best, respect all life, even those who are icky and unemployed. And we need to stop with the racism, just FYI.
Wow, we’ve got a lot to do, huh? But I guess it all comes down to two questions: did our generation advance the cause of freedom? And did our character bring credit to that cause?
Fuck. We’re completely hosed. Heh. Kidding.
We’re all united in the cause of freedom, after all. There have been divisions, many caused by the way I have been chosen to frame certain debates. But when truly horrible things happen, we all come together. I will strive to keep us in that feeling of stark terror that makes sure that we don’t stop to think about the ramifications of certain actions.
Mostly kidding there, too.
But we’re confident in the eventual triumph of freedom, you know, some day. Freedom is awesome.
In conclusion: go, freedom! It’s your birthday! Except, of course, your birthday is July 4th. Anyway. I guess I’ll go hop in my limo now because damn, it’s cold out here. Yeah. Bye.
BUSH: Dick, Bill, Jimmy, Dad, Jackass, clergy folks, corporate sponsors, lobbyists and lawyers who are currently charging by the hour, and all of the rest of you freezing your asses off here in Washington, welcome. Oh, and look out for that terrorist behind you!
Heh, just a little paranoid security humor. The Secret Service loves that. But anyway, folks, I’m awfully excited to be here again, especially since my advisors have informed me that the swearing-in’s required by law. And how about that Constitution? Big round of applause for our founding document, folks. I’m gonna change it, natch, but it’s done good for being a completely antiquated piece of paper.
Today is a day where we look back on our history and say “America/Freedom OTP”. For the last fifty years, we’ve totally been guarding the borders of freedom in places that aren’t the United States. After the shipwreck of communism, where we were stranded on the deserted island of Mutually Assured Destruction and chased by the polar bears of nuclear proliferation and living in fear of the big scary dinosaur of the Warsaw Pact, we have finally come out into a safer, better world, where this stuff is only seen on TV.
Except that terrorism is totally scarier.
And it’s all because of one, okay, many, scary regions of the world that are ideologically conservative and completely closed to change. Red staters, raise your hands! Kidding, kidding. I’m talking, of course, about other parts of the world, where people there Aren’t Like Us, If You Know What I Mean. And the only way to make it better over there is to bring them freedom, dammit, and really, they ought to be more grateful about it.
After all, it’s now our calling to bring democracy to everyone, whether they want it or not. We believe that everyone has a right to be free because they have been endowed by their Creator with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Except I’ll say it in a way that is way less poetic.
So yeah, that’s totally what we’ll be doing this term, except not through force of arms. I’ll wait here for Rummy and Wolfowitz to stop laughing. No, it’s going to be all about diplomacy this time around, except when other countries start it-and Iran and North Korea, we’re looking at you here. And remember that other people’s version of democracy might be very different from what we’re used to-I hear that parts of Europe don’t even have a Congress, or a Republican party-and they still seem to be holding together okay. Especially Poland. We love you, Poland!
But this task that I’ve appointed to you, this current generation, and you, the next generation, and you over there, the generation after that, and you and you and you, people centuries down the line, is not an easy one. America isn’t completely omnipotent, sadly, but we’re still freaking awesome, so we’ll totally be able to pull this off. Someday. Eventually.
Some people, some heartless, cruel people who are definitely being looked into by the Justice Department, have questioned whether the rest of the world really wants liberty. We should never be surprised by the power of our ideals: if we’ve convinced the world that McDonald’s is real food, convincing them that liberty is a good idea should be a piece of cake.
We say to the people of the world living in oppression: we will help you. Except of course if you are in an inconvenient location, or Africa. For those of you in prison for your work for democracy: we recognize you as future leaders of your nation. Unless you’re insane, in which case, well, never mind. If you run a country where elections are surrounded by air quotes, you need to learn to trust your people. Except in places like Florida or Ohio, of course. And if you are a dictatorial regime-we know that it’s easier in terms of paperwork, and way streamlined, but our polls have said that it’s also kind of a shitty way to treat your people. Saudi Arabia, we’re not actually talking about you, though, so don’t worry.
And allies, don’t think I didn’t notice how much you wanted Kerry to win this election. But I’ve been reelected, so the line for groveling begins over on Pennsylvania Avenue. I look forward to your gifts.
You Americans who have been spacing out during the last five minutes of my speech when I totally wasn’t talking to you need to tune in again now. I’ve made obligations for our country for the next, oh, three hundred years, so you should probably know what I’ve signed you up for. I put us into Iraq and promised the people there that we’d give them a functioning democracy, so leaving right now because it totally didn’t work would be a shitty thing to do. Sorry about that, gang. And our work there has lit a fire in the minds of men. Unfortunately, it’s a fundamentalist fire and boy are they pissed about us taking over an Islamic nation, but I’m confident that they’ll get over it in a generation or two.
And if they don’t, well, we’ve got our intelligence and diplomatic corps to help us out with that. We’ll give them shiny new pencils and wish them the best of luck, mostly because every dime the Treasury prints from now until the end of time will be heading into the DoD. Please, though, let’s take a moment to think about those who have given their lives to help others experience freedom. We’ll always remember them.
But we need more people who would be dedicated to this new cause for liberty. Come on, young people! You know you want to do something with your lives that is bigger than working for an evil, ridiculously paying corporate entity. Join the government! We pay even less!
America needs idealism and courage because while we might be exporting the wonders of liberty to the rest of the world, life at home ain’t exactly fantastically wonderful, is it, folks? In our past, we’ve improved the lives of our citizens with the Homestead Act, with the Social Security Act, and with the GI Bill. Those all cost money, though, so they’ll be revoked later today.
Unless you still want to move to South Dakota, of course, in which case, rock the hell on. We’ll make each citizen of this nation an agent of their own destiny, by which I mean don’t be expecting nothin’ from this federal government.
Except that we’ll totally be helping you develop your character and stuff. Because public interest depends on integrity and tolerance for folks except for those of us who are different than everyone else, and listening to our consciences. Character is built on family, which is dependent on communities totally butting into our lives and making sure that everyone goes to church or temple or mosque. Americans, at our best, respect all life, even those who are icky and unemployed. And we need to stop with the racism, just FYI.
Wow, we’ve got a lot to do, huh? But I guess it all comes down to two questions: did our generation advance the cause of freedom? And did our character bring credit to that cause?
Fuck. We’re completely hosed. Heh. Kidding.
We’re all united in the cause of freedom, after all. There have been divisions, many caused by the way I have been chosen to frame certain debates. But when truly horrible things happen, we all come together. I will strive to keep us in that feeling of stark terror that makes sure that we don’t stop to think about the ramifications of certain actions.
Mostly kidding there, too.
But we’re confident in the eventual triumph of freedom, you know, some day. Freedom is awesome.
In conclusion: go, freedom! It’s your birthday! Except, of course, your birthday is July 4th. Anyway. I guess I’ll go hop in my limo now because damn, it’s cold out here. Yeah. Bye.