(no subject)
I'm going to cut these. If you'd like to read them, feel free. The letter to Caden is especially important to me; I am all he has. If something should happen to me, I would like to know he will have something to hold on to that tells him who I was. The letter to Matt is just stuff I need to get off my chest without his ever seeing it.
Once upon a time, you made me believe in Happily Ever Afters. I could scarcely imagine a night not spend fighting with you for the blankets, a morning not wasted laughing at each other as we barely managed to get up and go on with our lives. It has taken months, but I am finally reaching a point where I can look on what we had and smile. There were such great times; partying with friends, spending time with family. Curled up in bed watching a movie one of us was sure to hate, or laughing as you attempted to teach me to play some silly video game that I couldn't care less about - and you getting annoyed when I ended up better at it than you were. And, yes, the quietly whispered proposal late one night. Whether or not you asked me to shut me up, it was something so sacredly mine. It might have been ridiculous, and wholly unromantic, but I got to hold it close and know, finally, that you wanted me, and only me.
It's true, you know, that as time passes the bad fades and you only remember the good. When it comes to you and I, Matt, I forget why we fought. I don't remember any real "bad times", before I got pregnant. I know it's not because they didn't exist, but because my heart is healing and I will be all right. Then I got pregnant.
Planned or not, Caden is our son. He's a miracle, a blessing. The love of my life. Every day he does something new, and because I once loved you, I hate that you're missing out on it. However, because I love my son, I can never love you again. You abandoned us, during the hardest time in either of our lives. He was fighting to grow and to live; I was fighting to keep him safe, and to give him life. Your job in that was done - I hate to say it, but men have it easy. I carried that squirming, wriggling little critter inside of me for nine months. He kicked me, he thwapped me, he headbutted me. I loved him all that much more because he was a part of both of us. A part of the man I thought I was going to marry. I wish that you had stayed that man, but the moment you found out I was pregnant, you lost it. You were too afraid to be whole, and you disappeared underneath that fear. While I'm angry and sad, I understand that not everyone is cut out to be a parent. I sometimes wish that you had been stronger, because I would love to have the kind of emotional and physical support that it was your job to provide. However, losing you has taught me a lot about myself. I have learned what I am capable of, and I'm proud of it.
I'm sorry I had to file the paperwork, Matt, but I do need the help. You got to have the fun and walk away; Caden deserves one hundred percent of everything we can give him, and since you're not capable of helping on your own, I'll make sure he gets what he needs and deserves. That's my job. I'm his mother. I wish you would have signed the other paperwork, but it's better this way. Since you aren't going to be around, it's best he has my name. It will make things less confusing for him until he's ready to know everything.
I'm sorry things worked out the way they did. I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for, and that you learn to live with yourself through the lies and the facades.
-Sunny
Words can never explain how it is I feel about you. I never thought myself capable of such an all-consuming love. Before you, little Monkey, I was a selfish woman, doing nothing that did not benefit myself in some way. You taught me to give myself entirely to someone. You taught me the meaning of true love.
The first time I held you in my arms, a tiny, squirming, screaming little miracle, I knew you were destined for great things. Your beautiful eyes held such an ageless intelligence, and when you looked up at me, you stopped crying. It was as if you were saying, "I know. Together, we can do anything." And we can, Caden, I swear to you. I'll do right by you. I will lay this world at your feet, and you will know what it is to have every opportunity. I cannot promise you that the road ahead will not be filled with strife; it will be. You will have to earn everything you have, and work for every accomplishment. There will be times when you'll dislike me - and probably times when you honestly think you hate me. There will be times when you don't understand why I say no, or why I make you do things. I know it's little consolation, but I promise, when you're grown, when you have a family, you'll understand.
My little man, every day, you're growing bigger. You achieve new things, you make big steps in the right direction. You make me beam with pride, and cry with longing. I wish I could give you everything you'll ever want, but I am just one woman. I promise, I will do everything I can to make you proud of me, every day, but I won't always be perfect. I'm doing this alone, but I'm doing it with everything I have. You're my little miracle, my son, my love. Not a day passes when everything I'm doing, I do for you.
All I ask in return is that you always do your best. Strive to be the man I know you can be. Dream HUGE, and work hard to achieve those goals. It sounds cliche', but be happy, Monkey. Life is too short to hate anyone or anything for long. Forgive and forget. You never know when you'll see your last sunrise or sunset, so watch them every chance you get. Take every chance you get, because the only regrets you'll ever have are the opportunities you missed out on. Work hard, play harder, and love the hardest of all. Trust and believe in yourself. I believe in you.
I will love you for every day until existence ends.
Mommy
Let me tell you about my day.
First, I overslept. Awesome. Thank God my kid decided he wanted to eat, and I had enough time to throw myself together and bolt out the door. Fun.
Then, there was an accident on 50 highway. So. I'm running even more late.
[At this point, God takes pity on me and allows traffic to move quickly and efficiently, and I get to work on time.]
So, my day at work actually starts out pretty well. Fun BS session with Heather [after stepping out so as to NOT hurt the magenta haired fucking WACK JOB sitting next to me], then Hannah brought good coffee [dude, I love coffee!] and we all sat around making bows and generally [obviously aside from Pinkysaurus Stupid] enjoying each other's company.
We go to lunch. Two hours from home. The wind SHUTS MY FUCKING CAR DOOR. No biggie. Except. My keys are laying on the seat, and the doors are locked. Fucking kill me.
Hannah makes hilarious Dane Cook joke reference ["I'm in the mood for a B&E!"] and I shoot Dr. Pepper out my nose. In my hurry to the sink, I smash my head into the faucet. I have a gigantic bruise. Awesome.
Brandy drives me to O'Reilly's. Buy Slim Jim. Do not know Slim Jims are legal. They are. Stand in the pouring fucking rain for an hour while Ami [aka Hood Rat] tries to break into my car. Soaking wet. Freezing cold.
My car is still locked. Call Zach. Cops know how to break into cars, right? WRONG. They do not teach B&E in cop school. Fucktards. He refuses to bring me key, citing "responsibilities". That bitch could have cleaned his house instead of boinking his gf all morning, and then he could have saved me. Ass monkey.
HUGE fight with my mom because I locked my keys in my car. While 100% true, no one believes my wind story. Bitches. I randomly remember that Pomeranians are descended from sled dogs. Cool. I win. Jenna brings me a spare key, only teasing me a little and giving me a huge hug. Apparently, I looked like I needed one at that point. [I did.] I unlock car and scream in exuberant triumph.
Mom and I make up. Caden screaming bloody murder because he's teething. He wants no one but me to hold him. While I feel ENTIRELY special, my arms eventually fall asleep because he's a chubby little porker.
Now, it's 10.30 pm. Caden is napping [peacefully, for the moment] in his bassinet, the house is clean, I bought new ribbon [FUCK I LOVE MAKING BOWS OMG OMG OMG *stroke!*], I have two keys for my car, no one is mad at me, and I don't have to be at work until 11 am tomorrow.
If you'd like to cuddle, please, feel free to come visit.
Once upon a time, you made me believe in Happily Ever Afters. I could scarcely imagine a night not spend fighting with you for the blankets, a morning not wasted laughing at each other as we barely managed to get up and go on with our lives. It has taken months, but I am finally reaching a point where I can look on what we had and smile. There were such great times; partying with friends, spending time with family. Curled up in bed watching a movie one of us was sure to hate, or laughing as you attempted to teach me to play some silly video game that I couldn't care less about - and you getting annoyed when I ended up better at it than you were. And, yes, the quietly whispered proposal late one night. Whether or not you asked me to shut me up, it was something so sacredly mine. It might have been ridiculous, and wholly unromantic, but I got to hold it close and know, finally, that you wanted me, and only me.
It's true, you know, that as time passes the bad fades and you only remember the good. When it comes to you and I, Matt, I forget why we fought. I don't remember any real "bad times", before I got pregnant. I know it's not because they didn't exist, but because my heart is healing and I will be all right. Then I got pregnant.
Planned or not, Caden is our son. He's a miracle, a blessing. The love of my life. Every day he does something new, and because I once loved you, I hate that you're missing out on it. However, because I love my son, I can never love you again. You abandoned us, during the hardest time in either of our lives. He was fighting to grow and to live; I was fighting to keep him safe, and to give him life. Your job in that was done - I hate to say it, but men have it easy. I carried that squirming, wriggling little critter inside of me for nine months. He kicked me, he thwapped me, he headbutted me. I loved him all that much more because he was a part of both of us. A part of the man I thought I was going to marry. I wish that you had stayed that man, but the moment you found out I was pregnant, you lost it. You were too afraid to be whole, and you disappeared underneath that fear. While I'm angry and sad, I understand that not everyone is cut out to be a parent. I sometimes wish that you had been stronger, because I would love to have the kind of emotional and physical support that it was your job to provide. However, losing you has taught me a lot about myself. I have learned what I am capable of, and I'm proud of it.
I'm sorry I had to file the paperwork, Matt, but I do need the help. You got to have the fun and walk away; Caden deserves one hundred percent of everything we can give him, and since you're not capable of helping on your own, I'll make sure he gets what he needs and deserves. That's my job. I'm his mother. I wish you would have signed the other paperwork, but it's better this way. Since you aren't going to be around, it's best he has my name. It will make things less confusing for him until he's ready to know everything.
I'm sorry things worked out the way they did. I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for, and that you learn to live with yourself through the lies and the facades.
-Sunny
Words can never explain how it is I feel about you. I never thought myself capable of such an all-consuming love. Before you, little Monkey, I was a selfish woman, doing nothing that did not benefit myself in some way. You taught me to give myself entirely to someone. You taught me the meaning of true love.
The first time I held you in my arms, a tiny, squirming, screaming little miracle, I knew you were destined for great things. Your beautiful eyes held such an ageless intelligence, and when you looked up at me, you stopped crying. It was as if you were saying, "I know. Together, we can do anything." And we can, Caden, I swear to you. I'll do right by you. I will lay this world at your feet, and you will know what it is to have every opportunity. I cannot promise you that the road ahead will not be filled with strife; it will be. You will have to earn everything you have, and work for every accomplishment. There will be times when you'll dislike me - and probably times when you honestly think you hate me. There will be times when you don't understand why I say no, or why I make you do things. I know it's little consolation, but I promise, when you're grown, when you have a family, you'll understand.
My little man, every day, you're growing bigger. You achieve new things, you make big steps in the right direction. You make me beam with pride, and cry with longing. I wish I could give you everything you'll ever want, but I am just one woman. I promise, I will do everything I can to make you proud of me, every day, but I won't always be perfect. I'm doing this alone, but I'm doing it with everything I have. You're my little miracle, my son, my love. Not a day passes when everything I'm doing, I do for you.
All I ask in return is that you always do your best. Strive to be the man I know you can be. Dream HUGE, and work hard to achieve those goals. It sounds cliche', but be happy, Monkey. Life is too short to hate anyone or anything for long. Forgive and forget. You never know when you'll see your last sunrise or sunset, so watch them every chance you get. Take every chance you get, because the only regrets you'll ever have are the opportunities you missed out on. Work hard, play harder, and love the hardest of all. Trust and believe in yourself. I believe in you.
I will love you for every day until existence ends.
Mommy
Let me tell you about my day.
First, I overslept. Awesome. Thank God my kid decided he wanted to eat, and I had enough time to throw myself together and bolt out the door. Fun.
Then, there was an accident on 50 highway. So. I'm running even more late.
[At this point, God takes pity on me and allows traffic to move quickly and efficiently, and I get to work on time.]
So, my day at work actually starts out pretty well. Fun BS session with Heather [after stepping out so as to NOT hurt the magenta haired fucking WACK JOB sitting next to me], then Hannah brought good coffee [dude, I love coffee!] and we all sat around making bows and generally [obviously aside from Pinkysaurus Stupid] enjoying each other's company.
We go to lunch. Two hours from home. The wind SHUTS MY FUCKING CAR DOOR. No biggie. Except. My keys are laying on the seat, and the doors are locked. Fucking kill me.
Hannah makes hilarious Dane Cook joke reference ["I'm in the mood for a B&E!"] and I shoot Dr. Pepper out my nose. In my hurry to the sink, I smash my head into the faucet. I have a gigantic bruise. Awesome.
Brandy drives me to O'Reilly's. Buy Slim Jim. Do not know Slim Jims are legal. They are. Stand in the pouring fucking rain for an hour while Ami [aka Hood Rat] tries to break into my car. Soaking wet. Freezing cold.
My car is still locked. Call Zach. Cops know how to break into cars, right? WRONG. They do not teach B&E in cop school. Fucktards. He refuses to bring me key, citing "responsibilities". That bitch could have cleaned his house instead of boinking his gf all morning, and then he could have saved me. Ass monkey.
HUGE fight with my mom because I locked my keys in my car. While 100% true, no one believes my wind story. Bitches. I randomly remember that Pomeranians are descended from sled dogs. Cool. I win. Jenna brings me a spare key, only teasing me a little and giving me a huge hug. Apparently, I looked like I needed one at that point. [I did.] I unlock car and scream in exuberant triumph.
Mom and I make up. Caden screaming bloody murder because he's teething. He wants no one but me to hold him. While I feel ENTIRELY special, my arms eventually fall asleep because he's a chubby little porker.
Now, it's 10.30 pm. Caden is napping [peacefully, for the moment] in his bassinet, the house is clean, I bought new ribbon [FUCK I LOVE MAKING BOWS OMG OMG OMG *stroke!*], I have two keys for my car, no one is mad at me, and I don't have to be at work until 11 am tomorrow.
If you'd like to cuddle, please, feel free to come visit.