[UPDATE]A Story of Hurting and Healing, Chapter 20 Part 2
Author : freedomthisway
Rating : PG-13 for this chapter
Character/Pairing : Siwon, Hankyung, Kangin, Hyukjae, Heechul, other made up characters/SiHan, very minor KangHyuk.
Word Count : 15.254 words
Genre : AU and angst like whoa!
Warning: Underage, rape/non-con, younger!Hankyung, a lot of swearing.
Part 2
Siwon has been sitting on the same bench when Hankyung steps into the garden the next day. It looks like he wasn’t joking when he said it’d be the same place and the same time. Hankyung feels a little hesitant at first, but he keeps on walking. Once he stops next to the bench, he can see Siwon’s face lighting up, looking so relieved to see him. Hankyung doesn’t blame him for doubting whether Hankyung will come to keep the promise they made yesterday.
After all, up until fifteen minutes ago, he himself wasn’t sure either.
But he’s here now, and he has to admit he’s a little bit curious on what story Siwon will share with him this time; which part of their history he’s going to re-tell.
Sitting down next to him, Hankyung takes a deep breath and says, “Alright, you can start now.”
Siwon grins at that. “Okay.” He replies, and then clearing his throat. “This particular story is kind of embarrassing for me. But I really need you to hear it. So I hope it’s okay.” Siwon looks abashed and Hankyung gulps down, wondering if he still wants to hear the story now that Siwon had given him such warning. But Siwon doesn’t wait for his answer because he then leans his back onto the bench, eyes looking upfront, and begins.
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Siwon was totally bored out of his mind at the moment. His father was at work, while Eun Hwa went shopping with some of her friends straightly after she dropped off Hankyung to his friend’s birthday party, leaving Siwon alone at home with nothing to do because Hankyung wouldn’t be home for until at least another hour.
He didn’t know how he had managed to become so dependent like this. He wasn’t like this before. Siwon used to be fully capable of having fun on his own. He was once a single child, for God sake. And even though he had a bunch of friends who were only a phone call away, he usually preferred to do everything alone back then and he enjoyed it.
But now without Hankyung beside him, he couldn’t have a good time. It was like there was something missing and Siwon would find everything he did was useless and a big waste of time.
Siwon wasn’t really complaining on this change in his life though. Hankyung was so much fun to be around and even if they did fight every now and then (Hankyung could seriously be a smart mouth sometimes), they would make up at the end of the day and got themselves re-attached to each other’s hips again. Siwon didn’t care even when his friends had accused him of having a serious brother complex, especially after Siwon succeeded in convincing them to take Hankyung along whenever they hung out. Besides, despite their constant bitching, Siwon knew deep down they liked Hankyung too. Who wouldn’t?
Anyway, Siwon had completely run out of ideas on how to pass the time. He’d tried watching TV for a boring fifteen minutes, tried making his favorite peanut sandwich snack and then savoring it slowly but overall it only took ten minutes of his time, tried playing video games but Siwon was in the middle of tag-team playing with Hankyung and he couldn’t move on to the next stage if Hankyung didn’t play his part. He’d called his friends, telling them to come over but most of them weren’t home and for those who were, couldn’t go out unless they wanted their mothers to kill them for going out while grounded.
So it wasn’t really strange when Siwon finally found himself hunching over his laptop as he was sitting on his bed, browsing for porn. It was sometimes amusing to watch a burly man pounding into a writhing and screaming woman beneath him. And if Siwon was lucky and concentrated enough, maybe he would get hard this time and then he could spend the next few minutes jerking off. Though Siwon seriously doubted it would happen.
Most of the times, Siwon didn’t get why general porn or pictures of beautiful topless (and sometimes, bottomless) woman couldn’t do what it did to his other male friends: reducing them to drooling idiots with tenting pants.
And at those few times he did, he pretended he still didn’t get it so that he could elude the possibility of a serious teenager crisis happening to him.
After all, he was still 14 years old. It could just be one of those transitional period bullshits. Every teenager went through it somehow. So he figured he would too. One day. Surely.
Something caught his eyes, and he clicked that link titled ‘Hottest Kiss Ever’. It turned out it was a link to a video posted on one of those whatever-Tube sites, and it wasn’t even porn. Instead, what the video was showing to Siwon at the moment was completely new to him. It was a scene of two guys, who looked like they were only in their teens, having a little bit of cheesy banter and then ended up kissing each other passionately for a full five minutes.
And Siwon was conflicted because he knew what this was called. It was called gay -or faggot as it was referred by his friends, or homosexual as it was stated in that Guidance Book on Sexuality his school had given out to students last semester- and there was a part of his conscience that went berserk, telling him to close the webpage and continue looking for some more ‘normal’ video to watch. But then, there was also this part of him deep inside --a part that he always tried to keep discreet from other’s acknowledgement, a part which he himself always refused to acknowledge-- which was transfixed by the way those men’s tongues mingling with each other and it felt like the heat surrounding those actors’ bodies was floating through the screen and into Siwon’s, pooling below his stomach. With horror, Siwon realized he had become hard within the fastest period of time he could ever remember, and it was only from watching a kissing scene between two young men.
Feeling panicked all of a sudden, Siwon’s hand quickly moved over the mouse to click the webpage close. He took a deep breath, trying to control himself. And that was when his bedroom door swung open and Hankyung entered, still wearing his outdoor jacket. Siwon’s breath was hitched as his eyes met Hankyung’s.
“Hey, Hyung.” Hankyung said cheerfully, oblivious to Siwon’s little situation. “Guess what, mom brought us pizza for dinner. It’s cheese and pepperoni, our favorite. She told you to come down because Dad would be home in any minute now and we have to get ready for dinner.”
Siwon didn’t replied, not trusting his own voice enough to speak. At that, Hankyung’s forehead was creased. “Are you alright?”
Siwon nodded. Looking around, he quickly fished out a pillow nearby and used it to cover his lap, hoping to God Hankyung wouldn’t notice how he had become even harder than before at the sight of him.
God, what is wrong with him?!
Hankyung didn’t notice, but to Siwon’s fear he stepped closer towards the bed with a worried look on his face. “Hyung? Your face is red. Are you sure you’re okay? Should I call Mom up here to have a look at you?”
“No, Hankyung-ah! I… I’m okay!” Siwon yelled, finally lost his composure from increasing fear and panic that was hitting him with every step Hankyung took. “For God’s sake, I heard you. Can’t you just leave me alone for a minute?”
Hankyung stopped dead on his track; he seemed to be taken aback by the sudden harshness in Siwon’s voice. Siwon knew it must have shocked him, because Siwon had never raised his voice to him before. His father never had done that to him and that was how Siwon was raised so Hankyung was used to him speaking gently.
Hankyung’s expression changed from concern to confusion and then to a kind of hurt. “Oh... Okay.” He stuttered, blinking his eyes repeatedly as he took a few steps back and Siwon had this urge to punch himself. “I’m... I’m sorry. I’ll just wait for you downstairs, then.” He said, giving Siwon a weak smile. And before Siwon had a chance to say anything, he had turned back and disappeared behind the closed door.
Siwon sat there staring blankly in the silence of his room, wondering how a simple and half-hearted browsing of porn could end up like this and whether Hankyung would be willing to let go of what just happened if Siwon apologized to him later after dinner.
Hankyung probably would forgive him. He could never stay mad at Siwon for long, though it was the first time for this kind of thing happened between them.
A painful throbbing on his crotch jerked Siwon out of his thought and he groaned, hesitantly reaching his hand down to slip under his pants and began to stroke himself earnestly.
A few minutes passed but Siwon found his cock was still as hard as ever even after he quickened his pace. He thought of giving up, knowing that he could always change to his bigger shirt to cover his hard-on before coming down to have dinner. Besides, he really wanted to get Hankyung alone with him somewhere as soon as possible so he could apologize and made sure that the sad and hurting look Hankyung had on his face earlier had been erased completely off his brother’s face.
But then, something even worse happened.
At the thought of Hankyung, Siwon’s cock gave these interested twitches under his stroking hand and before Siwon knew it, he moaned loudly as an orgasm caught him off guard and he was coming all over the inside of his pants.
For a moment, the room was filled only with the sound of Siwon’s labored breathing, until he was finally able to find his own voice and mumbled in confusion, “What the fuck?”
Later that night, Siwon talked to Hankyung --apologizing and trying to make him believe that Siwon was only having a bad mood earlier-- which resulted in him earning Hankyung’s usual warm happy smile and an instant acceptance of his apology. But Siwon was still lying on his bed long after midnight before it was quite clear he wouldn’t be able to get to rest at all.
He couldn’t stop himself from thinking about what had happened earlier, trying to guess every possible meaning behind it. And so far, Siwon didn’t quite like what his brain had come up with. Because if any of those ideas his mind had suggested was true, then Siwon seriously feared of what would become of him in the future.
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Hankyung realizes he is blushing, and he knows Siwon can see it clearly too from where he’s seated beside him.
“Sorry.” Siwon says, hands brushing his hair awkwardly but Hankyung can hear a smile in his voice. “I’ve told you it’d be one embarrassing story.”
Hankyung wants to say something back, but his mind is still reeling a little bit from everything that he just heard. He had indeed remembered that moment. In fact it is one of his Siwon-related memories that are kind of sticking out. Because like what Siwon had told him, it was the first time Siwon got mad at him, and he can still remember very well how sad and down it made him feel. But right now, to hear that there is that kind of side to the story he had never known before, Hankyung feels so weird. It’s like this heavy weight he’s carrying around inside him for all this time has lighten a little.
“You know,” Siwon suddenly speaks, keeping his gaze forward. “That time --when I was watching that video-- I believe that was the very first time I realized, fully realized, about my sexuality. Though the realization that you were the one I love only dawned on me a little bit later.” Siwon pauses and grins. “But... I guess that’ll be another story.”
Hankyung’s heart beat faster at the last statement. The temperature around him suddenly feels warmer as he can see with the corner of his eyes that Siwon is now staring at him.
“Listen, Hankyung-ah.” Siwon says after a while. Gathering enough courage, Hankyung turned to stare back at him. Their eyes meet and Hankyung allows himself to savor this moment, trying to remember every details of the way Siwon looking at him right now: full of love and adulation, and it’s so gentle that Hankyung has to hold back his hand with all his might from reaching up and touch Siwon’s cheek. He’s pretty sure this’ll be a great memory of Siwon among the many other stashes and this particular memory alone will be able to get him passes cold and lonely nights long enough in the future.
“After you hear that story, I hope now you’ve understood that it was already you even from the beginning.” Siwon continues with voice full of emotions. “It has always been you.”
And as he was staring at Siwon’s gentle gaze at him, once again Hankyung can feel this heavy weight in his chest lightening just a little bit more at hearing those words.
---00o00---
The next day, Hankyung makes Siwon patiently wait for him to finish planting all the rose seeds he can find in the shed, clearing all the tools after, washing his mudded hands clean, and taking a deep breath to prepare himself mentally before finally taking a seat next to Siwon, ready to hear another story.
It’s funny how he and Siwon sit together on this very bench day after day. Hankyung doesn’t even hesitate to agree to do this. Perhaps it’s because at the end of each day, after the night falls and Hankyung is in his bed, he is filled with wondering thoughts that for once aren’t that repulsive to think about.
He doesn’t believe it at first, but hearing Siwon’s story makes him feel a little better about himself and Hankyung kind of likes it. It’s been too long since he tried to remember the old days and didn’t end up cringing or fighting to hold back tears. Instead, now each and every memory of those dark times is like an exciting riddle for Hankyung to figure out. He will pull out a fragment of those and he’ll spend hours trying to come up with what actually happened at that time, from Siwon’s point of view. What exactly had Siwon actually done or thought when things were starting to fall apart between them. It is thrilling to try to look back into their past in a better point of view where Siwon was not actually hating him with all his guts, but instead was just simply falling helplessly in love with Hankyung.
Hankyung pulls himself out of his thought to stare at Siwon and frowns at the sight of him looking so tense and without his usual smile.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Hankyung asks, Siwon blinks, before looking back at Hankyung and it’s clear that he is worried about something.
“Yes, I’m fine.” Siwon replies quickly, offering Hankyung his usual smile.
“No, you’re not.” Hankyung says. “What is it?”
Siwon stares down at his tightly entwined fingers. “Nothing. It’s just that this story I am going to tell you isn’t exactly a happy one. And to tell the truth, I’m a bit reluctant to share it with you because I don’t want to make you upset or anything after hearing it.”
Hankyung goes silent for a while at that, feeling braver than ever when he finally says, “Why don’t you just hit me with it and we can see about me being upset later?”
Siwon stares at him. “Yeah,” He mutters after long minutes pass, his tone lower than before and a small smile stretched over his lips. “Yeah, sure.”
And that’s how he begins his story.
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Siwon knew he shouldn’t be doing this kind of thing anymore. He was already in his second year of high school and he should’ve passed this phase a long time ago: this brother bonding and Hankyung tagging along with him everywhere he went.
But he was enjoying this, and Hankyung wasn’t complaining. And the fact that being with Hankyung all the time made his heart feel warm all over didn’t help. So things were still pretty much the same after all these years.
Siwon was gay and he never had any interest whatsoever on women. Surprisingly, Siwon had embraced this side of him quickly enough. No struggle, not much of self-denial and the next thing he knew was he already jumped into this newly found identity with both feet, though not without secrecy involved. His family was nowhere near ready, and Siwon was smart enough to know that this fact was for his knowledge only, at least for now.
But the realization that he fell in love with his own stepbrother took a while to settle inside his head. He had had his fair share of fighting it, telling himself that it was just a simple sibling admiration and all those bullshit. But when his nights were filled with dreams of him and Hankyung together, leaving him to wake up every morning with damp, wet briefs and racing breaths, Siwon finally gave into that side of him too.
Hankyung was of course as clueless as ever to notice how Siwon always took each chance available to be all over him, shamelessly taking advantage of their close relationship. Sure, Siwon found himself afraid occasionally, wondering how Hankyung would feel about him if he finally knew. But that didn’t stop him from tackling Hankyung onto the couch over remote while he was reveling at the way his hands were touching Hankyung’s warm and soft skin. That didn’t stop him from hugging Hankyung anytime the occasion allowed him. That didn’t stop him from having even wilder dreams of Hankyung writhing beneath him on his bed. That didn’t stop him from dreaming and hoping that somehow, someway, he’ll find a way to make things work out between him and Hankyung. And it certainly didn’t stop him from trying to make Hankyung’s world consisted of him and him only, eliminating every chance of Hankyung getting closer to one of his female friends whom to Siwon’s annoyance seemed to be all over his baby brother.
And Siwon had never thought twice of doing those things, never had any doubt or self-questioning at the way he selfishly hogged Hankyung all the time. Not until today.
They were slumping together side by side on the couch, watching some football rerun on TV. It was their usual Friday night. Moreover, they were too tired to go somewhere to spend the night out after their swimming session this afternoon.
Hankyung had his feet on Siwon’s lap, hogging a bucket of ice cream in his hands and it was all Siwon could do to watch Hankyung’s red lips licking his spoon over and over again. Siwon was pretty sure he would be having one of those intense wet dreams again tonight. But hey, he wasn’t complaining.
“I met Soo Jin today on my way to supermarket.” Hankyung said casually, as always, completely oblivious to Siwon’s hungry stare that was set on him.
“Yeah?” Siwon responded absentmindedly, too distracted by the sight of Hankyung’s tongue to try and remember who the hell this Lisa Hart was.
“Yep. You don’t remember her? She used to be our neighbor across the street before she and her family moved to another city. Apparently, they’re moving back into town, found a great house for sale near Hyun’s and there she was, on her way to shop for groceries for their housewarming party.”
Siwon’s forehead was frowned a bit as he was digging further into his brain, trying to pull Soo Jin out of his childhood memories. “Ah, yes.” Siwon finally nodded, grinning. “I remembered her. She was that girl who always tried to kick all the neighborhood’s boys’ asses, right? She never had ours though. We’re way too good for her.”
Hankyung laughed at that. “Yeah, we were. But... she turns out to be a pretty decent girl now, you know? Now she looks like one of those girls that keep buzzing around you all the time at school. I mean, all mini skirts and long shiny hair, but minus the mean attitude.” Hankyung said, eyes staring playfully at Siwon. “She’s quite nice, I’m sure you’ll agree once you get to see her again.”
“What’s that supposed to mean, you brat?” Siwon pasted a smile on his lips despite a strange feeling suddenly fleeted inside him at hearing Hankyung’s meaningful words.
Hankyung shrugged, suddenly looked serious. “Nothing. It’s just that... Mom said it’s about time for you to get a girlfriend and learn about love or something like that, and she’s a bit worried that you haven’t gotten any.”
Siwon saw a true concern on Hankyung’s expression and he laughed, couldn’t help it for all the irony on this situation. Hankyung looked at him questioningly and Siwon lifted his hand. “Sorry. But you should tell Mother that she doesn’t have to worry about that.” Siwon wiped a tear off his eyes from laughing too hard. “I just haven’t found an interest in having a girlfriend and all. It seems too much of a bother right now.”
Hankyung tilted his head to the side. “But is there really no girl out there that caught your eyes?”
Siwon fell silent at the question. The throbbing pain from hearing something like that coming out of Hankyung’s mouth made Siwon said something stupid that he knew for sure he’d regret later: “I don’t really care about girls.”
As soon as those words got out, Siwon was this close to punch himself out. But Hankyung was just sitting there, looking puzzled yet oblivious as ever, clearly because he didn’t catch any hidden meaning behind what Siwon had said. It should’ve made Siwon feel relieved, but instead it annoyed the hell out of him.
“What about you?” Siwon asked through gritted teeth, deep down he was not quite sure if allowing his temper controlling his reasons like what he was doing right now was a smart thing to do. It wasn’t like he wanted Hankyung to find out about his feelings, but at times, Hankyung’s cluelessness could really get to him. “Do you find girls interesting enough? Do you want to get a ‘girlfriend’ just so you can have someone to hold hands or date with?”
Hankyung looked like he was taken aback by the question. For a minute, his head was frowning as he thought of the answer. “Actually, I don’t know yet.” Hankyung finally said, shrugging. “Right now, for me girls are just a bunch of squealing, gossiping creatures. But ever since I’m a little boy, I’ve been dreaming about having a nice family around and even though I’ve already had one right now,” Hankyung glanced at Siwon and smiled warmly. “I think it’s a great idea to make another one myself later. So I guess one day I’ll find a girl to marry and just settle down. I know that’s what Mom’s hoping for. It surely will make her happy and that will be enough.”
And just like that, Siwon’s eyes opened up to the real situation laid before him. He could feel his heart breaking in two and the pain suddenly escalated so much that it felt as if it was clenching his insides. Hankyung’s string of words had finally made him realize something: Hankyung was not the only clueless person in this .He was too.
For Siwon to think that somehow his feelings for Hankyung could get some resolution in the end was completely stupid. They were brothers, and to top it off, they were both men. Their family was a respectable one. His proud father would never accept the fact that his eldest son was gay. Siwon would surely end up doing one thing he’d never wanted to do to his father: disappoint him. Eun Hwa would be broken hearted at that too, especially if by doing so Siwon would succeed in dragging Hankyung down into having the same preference as he had. And now that he had seriously thought it over, Hankyung was always crazy about family. He wouldn’t even consider returning Siwon’s love, and even if he would, it’d only be based on his kindness and the fact that he would never do anything to hurt Siwon. If that happened, Siwon could never forgive himself; because it’ll mean that his selfishness would become the sole reason in making Hankyung lose everything meaningful for him.
It dawned on Siwon now that there were just too many obstacles, too much impossibility, too much things at stake for him to go on with his feelings and hope for Hankyung. So from that day onwards, Siwon had decided to make some changes in his life. He had never meant for things to spiral down to what it had then become, but he was left with no choice since things didn’t go down as he had planned. At first all he did was trying to erase the feelings he had for Hankyung. He knew it’d be hard, but by the end of the third month, he realized that it was downright impossible. Hankyung was still the same as he would ever be: looking up to Siwon so much, maintaining his crystal clear wish to always be pampered and close to Siwon as he always was. It took all of Siwon’s strength to prevent his mind from going wild while Hankyung was clinging to him in the worst possible way, as oblivious as he was before to Siwon’s situation. It then inevitably led Siwon to move things up a notch. He started to create some distance away from Hankyung. Just a bit at first, but Siwon couldn’t help it as it was getting more and more stretched as time went by, to the point of him fleeing the room each time Hankyung came around.
It hurt. And Siwon knew Hankyung was hurt too. Every time he backed away whenever things got too friendly between both of them, Siwon could feel his heart constricted by the pain. Seeing Hankyung’s saddened face worsened him. Along the years, no matter how he always had tried his best not to, he could not miss the dark sadness clouding Hankyung’s eyes as he was watching Siwon with hopeful yet questioning stare. Sometimes, Siwon came so close to telling Hankyung the truth, the reason why he had been doing what he was doing. But then Hankyung’s words about wanting to marry a girl one day and settle down flashed into his mind, along with the disappointed face of his father and Eun Hwa’s betrayed look. Those were always enough to keep his mouth shut and looked away.
Unbearable as it was, Siwon had to do this. It was the only way they could stay as a family, just like how Hankyung wanted them to be.
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The sun is almost set by the time Siwon ends his story. One of the maids has turned the garden lights on, and the shade both from those and the sun is creating soft golden glow emanating all over garden’s grounds. This particular sight is one of Hankyung’s favorite views, actually. But at the moment, his heart is pounding too much for him to take any notice, let alone to bask in it.
This one story turns out to be a little bit different from others he had heard before. After the first two times Hankyung could always feel a flow of warmth spreading through his insides. Hearing previous stories is like going through a detoxification. It frees him, even if just a bit, from all those ever-increasing pain and remorse gathered throughout the years of his life. But this story causes nothing of the sort. It’s like a pointy dagger which sole purpose is stabbing -precisely and repeatedly- on an old wound that has yet to be healed even after all this time, and Hankyung is struggling to control his emotions.
Hankyung doesn’t even realize the way his fingers gripping the side of the bench hard, but Siwon can see it clearly through his glances. Sighing, Siwon feels a growing desire to beat himself to death. He knew already that it would be too painful for Hankyung to hear what he had just told. Hell, it even pained himself. But despite all the casualties, it’s crucial for Hankyung to know the truth. And after years of keeping it to himself, Siwon owes it to his past self -and to Hankyung-- to finally set the story right.
A long moment of silence passes before Hankyung finally opens his mouth. “I guess I did talk a lot about wanting a family back then, didn’t I?” His voice is hoarse with a hint of grim humor.
Siwon doesn’t know how to respond to that statement, so he just whispers a short yes as he watches a sad smile slowly spreading on Hankyung’s face.
Hearing that one word coming out of Siwon’s mouth -his tone filled with despair and lethargy- makes Hankyung feels familiar warmth spreading his insides. Suddenly, Hankyung understands what Siwon is trying to say to him through this particular story. Siwon isn’t lying when he said that the sole reason he had done everything he did back then was for Hankyung’s happiness. No more and no less. It was all Siwon could do, even when every part of him had never wanted to do it in the first place, and Hankyung realizes that he can’t really blame Siwon for that. He would have done the same if he was in Siwon’s shoes. The thought makes Hankyung wants to cry, because now he knows that when he thought he was suffering alone, it turned out Siwon was feeling the same pain, if not longer and much worse than what Hankyung had felt.
Hankyung finally can see now why Siwon is doing this. There are so many wounds when it comes to their past together, and apparently Siwon is trying to patch them, one story at a time. And Hankyung will be lying if he says it doesn’t work, because it does.
The problem is, along with the realization is the knowledge that Siwon is hoping for him to change his mind about leaving. It will be fine if the idea hasn’t crossed Hankyung’s mind after listening to those stories, but now Hankyung is seriously wondering what it would be like if he decides to stay. There’s this growing happiness from knowing that all this time, when it comes to the relationship between the two of them, Siwon is feeling the same way and is sharing the same pain he bears throughout his life. But then again, it collides with his fear and painful traumas that’s still haunting him. If he opens his heart again this time and get hurt in the end, Hankyung knows he will die from a broken heart.
Hankyung can feel a headache coming on. There are just too many things jumbled up inside his head and it makes him feels dizzy and scared. Gritting his teeth, Hankyung quickly rises up from his seat. “I’m sorry.” Hankyung feels flustered. “I don’t feel well. I think I’ll go back to my room for now.” And without looking back, Hankyung strides towards the house, leaving Siwon who’s watching him with remorse clouding his eyes.
---00o00----
Despite the way he felt the last time, Hankyung finds himself sitting next to Siwon on the same bench the next afternoon.
Siwon had asked him this morning if he was alright through the intercom and Hankyung knew Siwon was worried for he didn’t come down to have dinner last night. Hankyung told Siwon (and himself) that he was okay but both of them knew better than that. It was only after Hankyung came out of his room at midday that he found out Siwon had left a message for him through one of the maids before he left for the office, saying that he’d wait for Hankyung at the garden at same time as yesterday.
Hankyung knows that for his own sake he should have said no to that invitation. He should have told Siwon to just shut up and bring his sob story somewhere else where Hankyung can’t hear it.
But in the end here he is. Siwon is clearly surprised when he saw Hankyung step foot onto the garden. After the way Hankyung reacted yesterday, Siwon must have assumed Hankyung will never agree to this kind of thing anymore. Hell, that was also what Hankyung had had in mind at first. However, Hankyung finds himself unable to resist, because it is their stories. They’re part of Hankyung’s memories too and each word coming out of Siwon’s mouth is like a piece of puzzle that completes the whole picture of both of their life. A whole picture that used to be blank and mysterious in so many spots inside Hankyung’s mind that trying to remember it used to make Hankyung feels lost and broken. And isn’t this what he has been wanting for all this time?
A closure. An explanation.
Now that he gets it, he can’t stop himself from hoarding it. Each time he does, it’s chipping away his worthlessness bit by bit and it feels good. Too good.
All his life, Hankyung had always put aside or was forced to give up his wants, his desires, his happiness. He’s also used to think carefully before doing each of his acts, knowing that whatever he does, there will be a chance it might cause another bout of misery for him. But this thing that he feels right now, somehow he is reluctant to let it go. This time, he wants to be selfish and careless. He needs to. Perhaps, it’s the one last good thing that’ll ever happen to him and Hankyung decides to cling onto it, as long as he can. Considering the day he’ll be leaving this house is getting nearer, it won’t be that long anyway.
So Hankyung braces himself and comes to the garden, ignoring Siwon’s penetrating gaze on him as he takes his seat, ready to listen to whatever it is Siwon’s going to tell him.
“Don’t you have a story to tell?” He asks after a while, turning his head to look at Siwon who is just sitting there, watching him without saying anything.
Siwon blinks, once, twice, before diverting his gaze forward and clearing his throat. It’s after another long pause when finally Siwon opens his mouth. “Do you remember my first summer holiday away from campus?”
It’s now Hankyung’s turn to blink. There is a sudden pang in his heart at memories of that certain period floating in his head as result from hearing Siwon’s question. Hankyung lets out a grim chuckle, feels kind of disappointed that Siwon decides to tell him that particular story. “So you’re going to tell me about that one, Hyung? Seriously?”
“Don’t you want me to?” Siwon shoots back, eyes on Hankyung.
Hankyung watches Siwon’s clearly determined expression before shrugging, careful to keep hurt from showing on his face. “I just think there isn’t much story behind what happened that time, is it?”
“No, Hankyung-ah. Everything was more than how it was at that time.”
Hankyung shuts his eyes tightly. Already, he can feel the mixed emotions intensifying inside him. He folds his hands around his body before sighing and says in a resigned voice. “Fine. Tell me how it actually was then.”
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This was horrible. Siwon had been through so much just to make sure he wouldn’t have to face this kind of situation anymore.
He didn’t know what kind of reaction Hankyung was having at this, but after years of barely talking to each other, Siwon had assumed that maybe Hankyung would be pleased with the whole thing, which made it all the more worse for Siwon.
If he could, he would’ve said no to Eun Hwa’s request and happily spent his time at his dorm for the whole summer holiday instead, just like he had always done before. He was already in the end of his third year in university after all. He had gained enough popularity and groups of friends --not to mention flings-- that he was certain he wouldn’t have had a hard time looking for something (or someone) fun to do. But even as a growing teenager in his first year of high school, Hankyung was still considered a minor and Eun Hwa was reluctant to leave Hankyung alone without any family around while she and Siwon’s dad went out of town for Eun Hwa’s treatment. It would be awesome if Hankyung could tag along with them, but alas, Hankyung had decided to take extra classes for summer. Thus, here was Siwon, expected to babysit his baby brother/object of his wet dreams/the man he still pretty much loved and had been avoiding for almost four years now.
It was only for one week, and Siwon had made it through the first two days without making any meaningful contact with Hankyung. He hung out at various clubs at night and went home in the morning to sleep his days away. However, Eun Hwa found out and scolded him through phone for not taking his responsibilities of taking care of his brother seriously. For the sake of not making her health worsen due to worry, Siwon had apologized and promised her that he’d stay home for the rest of the week. Bound by his own words and having nowhere to escape the situation at hand, Siwon was certain the next few days would be a total disaster. He could feel it strongly in his guts. Hankyung, it seemed, had noticed that Siwon was spending his nights at home instead of going out like he used to so Siwon wouldn’t be surprised if there was a knock on his room’s door anytime now. He wasn’t so much of expecting it as dreading for it to happen. He knew Hankyung was waiting for an opportunity to talk to him in his effort to rekindle their bond, and it looked like he would finally have his chance.
Siwon didn’t like the possibility of that. Not one bit. He really wished Hankyung could leave things the way they were. Even when Siwon knew that Hankyung had no idea of the reason behind Siwon avoiding him the way he did, but if Hankyung could just accept it and moved on, it would do both of them good. But apparently his brother was nowhere near ready to put it past them, and Siwon knew exactly what Hankyung had wanted to talk to him about. In the end, the question ‘why’ would come out, and Siwon wouldn’t be able to answer it truthfully without making all of his sacrifice for all this time went to waste.
That was why for each day he spent at home, Siwon would pass it by sleeping while Hankyung was going to his cramp classes. At night, he would invite one of his fuck buddies to stay over and he made sure Hankyung was aware of it, just so Hankyung would leave him alone.
Siwon wasn’t proud for doing it. But the fear building up inside him had left him no choice but to stoop so low.
It was indeed the first time for Siwon to take a man home even when it had already been a year since Siwon told his family that he was gay. Eun Hwa had been very understanding while Siwon couldn’t quite get Hankyung’s reaction. He was clearly surprised to hear that, but he didn’t say anything about it even until now. On the other hand, his dad had made a big fuss over it for months, and despite feeling sorry for disappointing his father, Siwon had stood his ground. In the end, the high tide was over and Siwon’s dad looked like he had made peace with the reality that his oldest son was gay.
All in all, Siwon could safely tell himself that he had done everything he could to avoid turning the summer break into a major catastrophe like what he had feared from the start.
But apparently his plan was proven to be totally ineffective against Hankyung’s stubborn nature. Siwon had hoped Hankyung would have enough sense to play along with his scheme, but sometimes his baby brother just didn’t know when to let go. And Siwon was driven to the corner.
It was the sixth night. There was just one more day before their parents returned from their trip, and Siwon would soon be freed from all this mess. Siwon was at the end of his wits and he couldn’t wait to go back to his dorm life even though he had admitted that --even with all the fun and the flings-- he always felt empty and hollow there. After all, nowhere in this world was good enough for Siwon ever since he left Hankyung’s side. But hands down, Siwon much preferred feeling empty and hollow rather than all these emotions inside him when Hankyung was around. In this state, even looking at Hankyung was simply too much for Siwon. It made Siwon wanted to reach out for him, to take a chance and get everything he had ever wanted. He wanted to do it so badly and it was suffocating, because he knew he couldn’t afford to waver now. Not after all this time.
Siwon really wished he could make Hankyung understand how important it was for things to stay just as they were. But he couldn’t, and now Hankyung was standing there across the room where Siwon was currently in the middle of a heavy make-out session with this guy whose name he couldn’t even remember. Siwon could see Hankyung’s eyes were going wider while he was watching the guy --who obviously hadn’t realized that they had an audience standing behind him-- planting kisses all over Siwon’s nape. Siwon was beyond surprised, and he wanted to tell the guy on top of him to stop and just fucking get off, but he didn’t. Instead, he was just laying there on the couch and stared back at those darkened eyes. Siwon wondered what brought Hankyung out of his room tonight. He knew Siwon kept bringing random people home at night and he usually stayed out of Siwon’s way. But perhaps Hankyung too, was aware that their parents would come back Tomorrow night and decided to seize his last opportunity, no matter what.
If that was true, Hankyung hadn’t said a word about it. For a long minute, it went on like a cheap show in a stripper joint where Siwon played his part as the exotic dancer at the center of the stage while Hankyung was the voyeur with the unreadable gaze. It was uncomfortable to say the least and Siwon was about to tell the guy to stop when Hankyung cleared his throat and finally said something while averting his gaze to the other side of the room.
“Hyung, I need to have a word with you.”
Siwon watched in amusement as the guy on top of him jerked up at hearing Hankyung’s voice, turning his head behind his shoulders quickly and letting out a squeaky sound when he saw Hankyung there. “What the fuck...?!” He muttered while scrambling to get off of Siwon. But Siwon stopped him from doing so by holding him with his strong arms, wordlessly telling him to stay where he was. The guy stared at him, confused, and Siwon noticed Hankyung had the same puzzled gaze thrown at him.
Siwon was ignoring both of them as he used one of his hands to sneak inside the guy’s shirt and gently ran his fingers along the skin beneath. The guy shivered at the touch. “Siwon-sshi...” The guy whispered between his teeth. “What the hell are you doing?”
Siwon answered him with a smirk, his fingers found one of the guy’s nipples and he flicked it once, causing the guy’s body to jerk unconsciously, accompanied by a held back moan. When Siwon talked, his words were directed to Hankyung who was watching the whole scene in disbelief. “I’m busy, Hankyung-ah. Can’t you tell?”
Even if Siwon’s voice was a bit shaken, Hankyung didn’t seem to notice. It took a few seconds, but anger was eventually shown in the younger man's eyes, and Hankyung clenched his jaws as he spoke. “I can see that, Hyung. But would you mind taking your brain off your dick for just a moment and come out to talk with me?”
The time is running out, was what Hankyung didn’t say out loud, but Siwon can hear it reverberating in the air anyway.
Siwon didn’t budge though. The guy threw his head back, ecstatic at the feel of Siwon’s touch all over his torso, and Siwon accepted the silent invitation, craning his head up a bit to lick along that slender neck. Siwon felt relieved as this guy seemed to have decided to follow along Siwon’s scheme, whatever it was, and had thrown his worry and embarrassment out of the window. As if on cue, he started to grind his hips on Siwon’s lap, and Siwon had to bite back a growl threatening to come out at the way his dick responded to the treatment.
It was horrifying when Siwon noticed how turned on he was. Siwon was no newbie when it comes to foreplay, but it usually took more than a fucking hips-grinding to get his dick interested enough. This time though, Hankyung was right there, watching him as he was focusing his mind on trying to make another man squirming on his lap, and fuck if that gaze didn’t fan his burning lust and made his skin crawl with excitement. It was so fucked up, so twisted... so wrong, yet so arousing at the same time. Siwon had never hated himself more than he did at the moment. Disgust filled his sTomach, and Siwon felt exactly like that one time when he fucked a guy senseless in the middle of bad hangover.
Except that this felt worse.
“Go away, Hankyung-ah.” Siwon retorted, those words coming out harsher and with a tone much lower than he meant to but Siwon didn’t care. He’d end up hurting Hankyung more than he already had if Hankyung didn’t get his ass out of the room quickly because Hankyung wanted to have a fucking conversation and there was no way in hell Siwon would allow that to happen.
Siwon could sense Hankyung’s desperation at hearing his answer. His shoulder sagged, and he lifted one of his hands to rub his eyes in a defeated manner. “ Please... Hyung, just a word...” His voice was breaking now, almost hoarse, and Siwon’s inside clenched tightly at hearing it. “You’ll be gone tomorrow and there’ll be no more chance for us to do this.”
A sharp ache from his jaw didn’t stop Siwon from grinding his teeth. His hands reached down in one swift movement and even though his ears were slowly deafened by the mad thumping of his heart, Siwon could still hear both Hankyung and the guy on top of him gasped out breath almost in unison as the sound of his zipper being pulled down was echoing through the room.
Hankyung sounded frantic now, and scared. For one second Siwon wondered if that was a sob he heard coming from the younger man’s mouth.
“Hyung, God.” Hankyung stuttered, already took one step back away from where he was standing firmly before. “Please, I just....”
Yeah, it was definitely a sob.
“I just need to understand... It’s painful like this and I just want to know why!” Hankyung nearly yelled the last sentence out, shutting his eyes closed tightly to prevent himself from further watching the scene in front of him. But Siwon kept acting like he paid no heed nor heard a word Hankyung had said.
Siwon slipped a hand beneath his pants, letting his throbbing member out in the open with such velocity. The guy on top of him took his time to drag his eyes from the freed cock up to Siwon’s hard gaze, looking like he was torn up between either wanting to smack some sense into Siwon’s head or pleading for permission to just go down already and suck the hell out of the man.
The guy knew what kind of game Siwon was playing with his step-brother. He fully understood that he was just an icing on the cake here. However if someone asked him, he’d definitely say it was a messed up situation. He didn’t quite get why Siwon had bothered to do it in the first place. Hell, that cute brother of his only demanded a conversation, didn’t he? So why the hell was Siwon getting so hell bent to avoid that simple request? Judging from all those jaw-clenching and pain-filled eyes he could see on Siwon’s face, he could sense that no matter which side won, Siwon would end up losing anyway. But hell, it got him hotter than any foreplay and he didn’t want to end it by complaining. It had been a long time since he had a mind-blowing fuck, and he bet all his money that he’d experience one soon tonight if he just shut his mouth and tag along the scenario Siwon had set up.
“Hyung...” Hankyung looked like he had no more clue as to what he could say that would make Siwon listen. Tears were threatening to fall off his eyes but he still stood there, swaying, and not for the first time, Siwon cursed Hankyung’s stubborn nature.
It seemed Hankyung left him no choice. With his heart so heavy he found it difficult to breathe, Siwon laid down on his back, trying to control the trembling in his voice as he looked deep into the guy’s eyes and barked, “Suck me.”
Everything moved in slow motion in Siwon’s eyes. The guy moved and a moment later Siwon could feel a ghost of hot breath over his cock, followed by a flick of tongue. Siwon swallowed hard and threw his head back onto the couch’s hand rest, the corner of his eyes was watching as Hankyung was frozen on his feet for what felt like forever before finally, finally, turning back and left the room with his head down and his fists clenching on his sides.
Siwon lifted one of his hands to cover his face. Despite taking what could have been one of the wildest blow job he had ever gotten, Siwon’s whole body felt numb and he wasn’t at all surprised when a trickle of tears left his eyes, flowing down along his cheeks and dripped onto the soft cushion below.
Even for a man, this kind of pain would surely be accompanied with a cry. It was unavoidable. After all, it did hurt that much.
For many years to come, that was the last Hankyung had ever come to him in search of an answer.
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Hankyung dug his fists, trying to breathe as innumerable emotions raging inside him. It is almost too much and he shut his eyes closed tightly to tone it down. From the corner of his eyes, he could see Siwon sitting there with his head down, his hands intertwining tightly, and uncomfortable silence is surrounding both of them heavily.
“See, I told you everything was more than how it was at that time...” Siwon says after a while with a hint of dark humor in his voice. Only after he hears no reply coming from Hankyung’s stiff figure then Siwon sighs and lifts his hand to rub his temple in a defeated gesture.
“I’m sorry, Hankyung-ah.... For everything, I really am...”
It sounds almost like a whisper, but those words are echoing inside Hankyung’s head nonetheless. The younger man grits his teeth, waiting in dread to feel the usual desires to just get up and out of this place, presumably to hide inside his room and weep for hours. But it never comes. Instead, it is like he’s nailed to where he’s sitting, can’t and won’t move away from Siwon for even an inch.
Because for some reason, this story Siwon told him have finally pushed a trigger, it finally succeeds on making something shift deep inside of Hankyung. Something he thought he could never feel again after everything that had happened, something that had been so long buried and locked in so tightly. He doesn’t know which one of these emotions that snaps at his core and flicks it open, but whatever it is inside is now out and is going berserk, messing him up until he no longer knows what to do.
Perhaps it’s the endless new points of view to some darkest moments in his life that keeps dawning on him from listening to Siwon’s stories, or maybe it’s the regret, or it might as well be the realization which he knows is always there but never had a chance to take on. Either way, he can no longer deny it now. In the blink of an eye, it has become as clear as day for him that this thing between him and Siwon doesn’t always have to be so hard and painful, if only both of them are willing to let go of the past and just seize the moment. Well, Siwon surely has seized it. And now Hankyung feels kind of stupid as he is trying to digest a newfound fact that maybe, after all of his fucking preach to Siwon to just let go of the past and move on, it is Hankyung himself who hasn’t been ready to do so.
Hankyung sighs. Well, isn’t this peachy? He wonders if his mind can choose a better timing to change its course on this whole Siwon topic. It will only be one more day before he leaves this place and gets on with his life, but Hankyung should have known that God or any powerful entity up there has never made things go as he plans it. Things have always turn messy with a bang in Hankyung’s life, and to his reluctant amusement, this resignation he is feeling might be a sign that he has gotten used to it.
Hankyung chuckles softly and turns to look carefully at Siwon. The older man seems to be conflicted enough with his own feeling, fails to sense whatever mental alteration that is shifting and growing inside Hankyung, but Hankyung studies him thoroughly nonetheless. To his surprise, what he now feels is kind of liberating. His eyes are taking sight of Siwon’s forlorn figure, and before he knows it, his mind is already playing different kind of scenes he had never dared before to imagine, running endless possibilities he had never allowed himself to even think about before. The result made his heart thump like crazy, his stomach is doing simultaneous flip flops and for once, the fear that usually accompanies such thought isn’t there to make his brain stop these things it does. Or perhaps the fear is still there, but is smothered over by these overwhelming excitement and challenging ‘what ifs’ that has gone wild once Hankyung is stripped off of all his usual inhibitions.
It’s exhilarating, yet horrifying at the same time and Hankyung grips the fabric of his pants tightly as he tries to control himself or else he’s sure he’ll be hyperventilated soon from all the rush.
Now that it all has come to this, Hankyung needs to say something to Siwon, and to do so, he needs to be calm. He won’t get his point across if he says it with a quivering voice and trembling hands or madly beating hearts. He needs to sound okay so Siwon will understand that he means it. All of it.
Hankyung fully realizes that it’ll be like opening the gate to a secret place in him that once forbidden for Siwon to enter. No doubt, there’d be more questions ensue coming from the older man. Though, if there’s still something he isn’t quite sure of, it’ll be the answers to those questions. But Hankyung decides to go with the flow and not wasting the moment. After all, this is the most courageous and confident he has ever been. Somehow it empowers him, making his heart feels so light like it never had for so long. It makes him feel he can do anything and all of a sudden happiness doesn’t seem to be too farfetched now. In short, it feels so fucking amazing that instead of being a stuck up like he used to be whenever this kind of desire comes up, Hankyung allows himself to be carried away this time.
“I guess at this point, both of us were never at fault...” Hankyung starts, eyes looking forward, hoping he’ll find it in him to say all the right words. “Somehow, life had fucked us up, even when all we did was caring too much about one another.”
Siwon slowly lifts his head to stare at Hankyung. His eyes are widening with disbelief, and even without looking Hankyung can sense how Siwon’s once crushed hope is coming back to life. Hankyung takes a deep breath, encouraging himself to continue and ignore all the cautions and warnings that’s starting to go rampant in his head. He smiles bitterly, “Seriously, all this time, what have we done to ourselves, Siwon?”
“Hankyung-ah...” Siwon whispers his name while holding down breath; as if afraid the whole thing will be just another illusion.
Hankyung turns and looks at him in the eye, can’t help it when tears start to gather and blur his vision, no matter how much he’s struggling not to crack. “I believe it’s enough now..., isn’t it? Let’s stop hurting each other...” His voice is trembling, his breath stuck in his throat and he wishes so hard that what he’s doing now is the right choice to make, that this will not be one of those times -again- when he puts his heart out in the open only to find it sTomped and crushed into nothing.
There are flashes of moments, and before Hankyung can even blink, Siwon is already sitting closer -much closer- to him that he can feel his body heat through layers of clothes he’s wearing. Hankyung swallows, hard, realizing that his heartbeat is skyrocketed even more -if it’s possible. Despite the queasiness he feels in his gut due to their sudden proximity, Hankyung finds himself unable to look away from those eyes.
“Please... “ Siwon pleads, trying hard to control his voice. “Please tell me that you meant what I think you did, Hankyung-ah.”
The tears finally spilled over Hankyung’s cheek now. He shakes his head slowly, faint smile on his lips and eyes still on Siwon’s. “I’m just... tired, Hyung.” He said softly. “I know I’ve said things that are quite contrary to what I’m going to say now, but the fact is I’m still pretty much in love with you. And though I kept denying it, I can see that you still love me too. I think it’ll be a mistake if I don’t grab this chance for all its worth. For once, fate has been kind to me and all I know is that I’ll be damned if I turn my back away from everything I have ever dreamt of all my life.”
It is silent for a moment. Siwon’s hand is trembling as he takes hold one of Hankyung’s. “You’re saying...” He stops for a second to clear his throat. “You’re saying you’d like to try?”
Hankyung’s smile falters at that question. Now that it has come out in the open, Hankyung feels even more uncertain than ever. “I don’t...” He tries to answer and apparently fails miserably. He then sighs before looking down; squeezing Siwon’s hand in what he hopes is a comforting gesture. “I won’t leave any time soon. That I can give you, Hyung. But about that.... it’s not like I don’t have that in mind. It’s just... I need some more time to think about it.”
And to Hankyung’s relief Siwon slowly nods, understanding clear in his gaze. Considering how close Hankyung is to turn around and leave the possibility of even them trying to stay together in the same place, Hankyung guesses what he is offering is already exceeded Siwon’s expectation anyway.
“God...” Siwon’s cracked voice breaches Hankyung’s ears and Hankyung lifts his head to stare at him. Siwon looks like he’s about to burst. His whole body is shivering with something akin to excitement, and his grip on Hankyung’s hand gets impossibly tighter.
“You have no idea how happy I am now, Hankyung-ah. I feel like I’d die right now if I don’t hug you or something...”
Hankyung is taken aback a little by that passionate statement, recognizes a desperate plea for permission on the older man’s gaze. Before he knows it, he can’t stop his smile from getting wider. “I think I can handle a hug alright.” Hell, Hankyung knows it’s the least of what they both deserve after all this time.
Right then and there, as Siwon swoops him inside his embrace in one swift move, Hankyung can feel heavy contentment which is spreading his inside like a wildfire, making him bite back a sigh. Their chests are touching, and Siwon’s heartbeat apparently matches him in crazy speed. There is no turning back now the way Hankyung sees it. He has taken the first step. Judging from the way he feels torn between falling and flying, Hankyung guesses both of them will still have a lot to worry and more hurdles to overcome. But they can always figure those out later. Much later, in fact, since right now all Hankyung wants is to savor the warmth of Siwon’s body all over him. A sensation he had once lost and tried to forget.
“I’m sorry, Hyung.” Hankyung mumbles when his mind is suddenly filled with memories from the past, his heart stinging from regrets. Siwon goes still for a second and Hankyung knows that Siwon knows that this time, he’s saying those words of apology for both of them. So Hankyung chucks those regrets away, determined to just look towards the future from now on as he tightens his hands around Siwon’s waist and burrows his face deeper into the older man’s broad shoulder.
---00o00---
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
(Coldplay - Fix You)
TBC
PS: As always, comments are always welcome and appreciated. :)
Rating : PG-13 for this chapter
Character/Pairing : Siwon, Hankyung, Kangin, Hyukjae, Heechul, other made up characters/SiHan, very minor KangHyuk.
Word Count : 15.254 words
Genre : AU and angst like whoa!
Warning: Underage, rape/non-con, younger!Hankyung, a lot of swearing.
Part 2
Siwon has been sitting on the same bench when Hankyung steps into the garden the next day. It looks like he wasn’t joking when he said it’d be the same place and the same time. Hankyung feels a little hesitant at first, but he keeps on walking. Once he stops next to the bench, he can see Siwon’s face lighting up, looking so relieved to see him. Hankyung doesn’t blame him for doubting whether Hankyung will come to keep the promise they made yesterday.
After all, up until fifteen minutes ago, he himself wasn’t sure either.
But he’s here now, and he has to admit he’s a little bit curious on what story Siwon will share with him this time; which part of their history he’s going to re-tell.
Sitting down next to him, Hankyung takes a deep breath and says, “Alright, you can start now.”
Siwon grins at that. “Okay.” He replies, and then clearing his throat. “This particular story is kind of embarrassing for me. But I really need you to hear it. So I hope it’s okay.” Siwon looks abashed and Hankyung gulps down, wondering if he still wants to hear the story now that Siwon had given him such warning. But Siwon doesn’t wait for his answer because he then leans his back onto the bench, eyes looking upfront, and begins.
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Siwon was totally bored out of his mind at the moment. His father was at work, while Eun Hwa went shopping with some of her friends straightly after she dropped off Hankyung to his friend’s birthday party, leaving Siwon alone at home with nothing to do because Hankyung wouldn’t be home for until at least another hour.
He didn’t know how he had managed to become so dependent like this. He wasn’t like this before. Siwon used to be fully capable of having fun on his own. He was once a single child, for God sake. And even though he had a bunch of friends who were only a phone call away, he usually preferred to do everything alone back then and he enjoyed it.
But now without Hankyung beside him, he couldn’t have a good time. It was like there was something missing and Siwon would find everything he did was useless and a big waste of time.
Siwon wasn’t really complaining on this change in his life though. Hankyung was so much fun to be around and even if they did fight every now and then (Hankyung could seriously be a smart mouth sometimes), they would make up at the end of the day and got themselves re-attached to each other’s hips again. Siwon didn’t care even when his friends had accused him of having a serious brother complex, especially after Siwon succeeded in convincing them to take Hankyung along whenever they hung out. Besides, despite their constant bitching, Siwon knew deep down they liked Hankyung too. Who wouldn’t?
Anyway, Siwon had completely run out of ideas on how to pass the time. He’d tried watching TV for a boring fifteen minutes, tried making his favorite peanut sandwich snack and then savoring it slowly but overall it only took ten minutes of his time, tried playing video games but Siwon was in the middle of tag-team playing with Hankyung and he couldn’t move on to the next stage if Hankyung didn’t play his part. He’d called his friends, telling them to come over but most of them weren’t home and for those who were, couldn’t go out unless they wanted their mothers to kill them for going out while grounded.
So it wasn’t really strange when Siwon finally found himself hunching over his laptop as he was sitting on his bed, browsing for porn. It was sometimes amusing to watch a burly man pounding into a writhing and screaming woman beneath him. And if Siwon was lucky and concentrated enough, maybe he would get hard this time and then he could spend the next few minutes jerking off. Though Siwon seriously doubted it would happen.
Most of the times, Siwon didn’t get why general porn or pictures of beautiful topless (and sometimes, bottomless) woman couldn’t do what it did to his other male friends: reducing them to drooling idiots with tenting pants.
And at those few times he did, he pretended he still didn’t get it so that he could elude the possibility of a serious teenager crisis happening to him.
After all, he was still 14 years old. It could just be one of those transitional period bullshits. Every teenager went through it somehow. So he figured he would too. One day. Surely.
Something caught his eyes, and he clicked that link titled ‘Hottest Kiss Ever’. It turned out it was a link to a video posted on one of those whatever-Tube sites, and it wasn’t even porn. Instead, what the video was showing to Siwon at the moment was completely new to him. It was a scene of two guys, who looked like they were only in their teens, having a little bit of cheesy banter and then ended up kissing each other passionately for a full five minutes.
And Siwon was conflicted because he knew what this was called. It was called gay -or faggot as it was referred by his friends, or homosexual as it was stated in that Guidance Book on Sexuality his school had given out to students last semester- and there was a part of his conscience that went berserk, telling him to close the webpage and continue looking for some more ‘normal’ video to watch. But then, there was also this part of him deep inside --a part that he always tried to keep discreet from other’s acknowledgement, a part which he himself always refused to acknowledge-- which was transfixed by the way those men’s tongues mingling with each other and it felt like the heat surrounding those actors’ bodies was floating through the screen and into Siwon’s, pooling below his stomach. With horror, Siwon realized he had become hard within the fastest period of time he could ever remember, and it was only from watching a kissing scene between two young men.
Feeling panicked all of a sudden, Siwon’s hand quickly moved over the mouse to click the webpage close. He took a deep breath, trying to control himself. And that was when his bedroom door swung open and Hankyung entered, still wearing his outdoor jacket. Siwon’s breath was hitched as his eyes met Hankyung’s.
“Hey, Hyung.” Hankyung said cheerfully, oblivious to Siwon’s little situation. “Guess what, mom brought us pizza for dinner. It’s cheese and pepperoni, our favorite. She told you to come down because Dad would be home in any minute now and we have to get ready for dinner.”
Siwon didn’t replied, not trusting his own voice enough to speak. At that, Hankyung’s forehead was creased. “Are you alright?”
Siwon nodded. Looking around, he quickly fished out a pillow nearby and used it to cover his lap, hoping to God Hankyung wouldn’t notice how he had become even harder than before at the sight of him.
God, what is wrong with him?!
Hankyung didn’t notice, but to Siwon’s fear he stepped closer towards the bed with a worried look on his face. “Hyung? Your face is red. Are you sure you’re okay? Should I call Mom up here to have a look at you?”
“No, Hankyung-ah! I… I’m okay!” Siwon yelled, finally lost his composure from increasing fear and panic that was hitting him with every step Hankyung took. “For God’s sake, I heard you. Can’t you just leave me alone for a minute?”
Hankyung stopped dead on his track; he seemed to be taken aback by the sudden harshness in Siwon’s voice. Siwon knew it must have shocked him, because Siwon had never raised his voice to him before. His father never had done that to him and that was how Siwon was raised so Hankyung was used to him speaking gently.
Hankyung’s expression changed from concern to confusion and then to a kind of hurt. “Oh... Okay.” He stuttered, blinking his eyes repeatedly as he took a few steps back and Siwon had this urge to punch himself. “I’m... I’m sorry. I’ll just wait for you downstairs, then.” He said, giving Siwon a weak smile. And before Siwon had a chance to say anything, he had turned back and disappeared behind the closed door.
Siwon sat there staring blankly in the silence of his room, wondering how a simple and half-hearted browsing of porn could end up like this and whether Hankyung would be willing to let go of what just happened if Siwon apologized to him later after dinner.
Hankyung probably would forgive him. He could never stay mad at Siwon for long, though it was the first time for this kind of thing happened between them.
A painful throbbing on his crotch jerked Siwon out of his thought and he groaned, hesitantly reaching his hand down to slip under his pants and began to stroke himself earnestly.
A few minutes passed but Siwon found his cock was still as hard as ever even after he quickened his pace. He thought of giving up, knowing that he could always change to his bigger shirt to cover his hard-on before coming down to have dinner. Besides, he really wanted to get Hankyung alone with him somewhere as soon as possible so he could apologize and made sure that the sad and hurting look Hankyung had on his face earlier had been erased completely off his brother’s face.
But then, something even worse happened.
At the thought of Hankyung, Siwon’s cock gave these interested twitches under his stroking hand and before Siwon knew it, he moaned loudly as an orgasm caught him off guard and he was coming all over the inside of his pants.
For a moment, the room was filled only with the sound of Siwon’s labored breathing, until he was finally able to find his own voice and mumbled in confusion, “What the fuck?”
Later that night, Siwon talked to Hankyung --apologizing and trying to make him believe that Siwon was only having a bad mood earlier-- which resulted in him earning Hankyung’s usual warm happy smile and an instant acceptance of his apology. But Siwon was still lying on his bed long after midnight before it was quite clear he wouldn’t be able to get to rest at all.
He couldn’t stop himself from thinking about what had happened earlier, trying to guess every possible meaning behind it. And so far, Siwon didn’t quite like what his brain had come up with. Because if any of those ideas his mind had suggested was true, then Siwon seriously feared of what would become of him in the future.
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Hankyung realizes he is blushing, and he knows Siwon can see it clearly too from where he’s seated beside him.
“Sorry.” Siwon says, hands brushing his hair awkwardly but Hankyung can hear a smile in his voice. “I’ve told you it’d be one embarrassing story.”
Hankyung wants to say something back, but his mind is still reeling a little bit from everything that he just heard. He had indeed remembered that moment. In fact it is one of his Siwon-related memories that are kind of sticking out. Because like what Siwon had told him, it was the first time Siwon got mad at him, and he can still remember very well how sad and down it made him feel. But right now, to hear that there is that kind of side to the story he had never known before, Hankyung feels so weird. It’s like this heavy weight he’s carrying around inside him for all this time has lighten a little.
“You know,” Siwon suddenly speaks, keeping his gaze forward. “That time --when I was watching that video-- I believe that was the very first time I realized, fully realized, about my sexuality. Though the realization that you were the one I love only dawned on me a little bit later.” Siwon pauses and grins. “But... I guess that’ll be another story.”
Hankyung’s heart beat faster at the last statement. The temperature around him suddenly feels warmer as he can see with the corner of his eyes that Siwon is now staring at him.
“Listen, Hankyung-ah.” Siwon says after a while. Gathering enough courage, Hankyung turned to stare back at him. Their eyes meet and Hankyung allows himself to savor this moment, trying to remember every details of the way Siwon looking at him right now: full of love and adulation, and it’s so gentle that Hankyung has to hold back his hand with all his might from reaching up and touch Siwon’s cheek. He’s pretty sure this’ll be a great memory of Siwon among the many other stashes and this particular memory alone will be able to get him passes cold and lonely nights long enough in the future.
“After you hear that story, I hope now you’ve understood that it was already you even from the beginning.” Siwon continues with voice full of emotions. “It has always been you.”
And as he was staring at Siwon’s gentle gaze at him, once again Hankyung can feel this heavy weight in his chest lightening just a little bit more at hearing those words.
---00o00---
The next day, Hankyung makes Siwon patiently wait for him to finish planting all the rose seeds he can find in the shed, clearing all the tools after, washing his mudded hands clean, and taking a deep breath to prepare himself mentally before finally taking a seat next to Siwon, ready to hear another story.
It’s funny how he and Siwon sit together on this very bench day after day. Hankyung doesn’t even hesitate to agree to do this. Perhaps it’s because at the end of each day, after the night falls and Hankyung is in his bed, he is filled with wondering thoughts that for once aren’t that repulsive to think about.
He doesn’t believe it at first, but hearing Siwon’s story makes him feel a little better about himself and Hankyung kind of likes it. It’s been too long since he tried to remember the old days and didn’t end up cringing or fighting to hold back tears. Instead, now each and every memory of those dark times is like an exciting riddle for Hankyung to figure out. He will pull out a fragment of those and he’ll spend hours trying to come up with what actually happened at that time, from Siwon’s point of view. What exactly had Siwon actually done or thought when things were starting to fall apart between them. It is thrilling to try to look back into their past in a better point of view where Siwon was not actually hating him with all his guts, but instead was just simply falling helplessly in love with Hankyung.
Hankyung pulls himself out of his thought to stare at Siwon and frowns at the sight of him looking so tense and without his usual smile.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Hankyung asks, Siwon blinks, before looking back at Hankyung and it’s clear that he is worried about something.
“Yes, I’m fine.” Siwon replies quickly, offering Hankyung his usual smile.
“No, you’re not.” Hankyung says. “What is it?”
Siwon stares down at his tightly entwined fingers. “Nothing. It’s just that this story I am going to tell you isn’t exactly a happy one. And to tell the truth, I’m a bit reluctant to share it with you because I don’t want to make you upset or anything after hearing it.”
Hankyung goes silent for a while at that, feeling braver than ever when he finally says, “Why don’t you just hit me with it and we can see about me being upset later?”
Siwon stares at him. “Yeah,” He mutters after long minutes pass, his tone lower than before and a small smile stretched over his lips. “Yeah, sure.”
And that’s how he begins his story.
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Siwon knew he shouldn’t be doing this kind of thing anymore. He was already in his second year of high school and he should’ve passed this phase a long time ago: this brother bonding and Hankyung tagging along with him everywhere he went.
But he was enjoying this, and Hankyung wasn’t complaining. And the fact that being with Hankyung all the time made his heart feel warm all over didn’t help. So things were still pretty much the same after all these years.
Siwon was gay and he never had any interest whatsoever on women. Surprisingly, Siwon had embraced this side of him quickly enough. No struggle, not much of self-denial and the next thing he knew was he already jumped into this newly found identity with both feet, though not without secrecy involved. His family was nowhere near ready, and Siwon was smart enough to know that this fact was for his knowledge only, at least for now.
But the realization that he fell in love with his own stepbrother took a while to settle inside his head. He had had his fair share of fighting it, telling himself that it was just a simple sibling admiration and all those bullshit. But when his nights were filled with dreams of him and Hankyung together, leaving him to wake up every morning with damp, wet briefs and racing breaths, Siwon finally gave into that side of him too.
Hankyung was of course as clueless as ever to notice how Siwon always took each chance available to be all over him, shamelessly taking advantage of their close relationship. Sure, Siwon found himself afraid occasionally, wondering how Hankyung would feel about him if he finally knew. But that didn’t stop him from tackling Hankyung onto the couch over remote while he was reveling at the way his hands were touching Hankyung’s warm and soft skin. That didn’t stop him from hugging Hankyung anytime the occasion allowed him. That didn’t stop him from having even wilder dreams of Hankyung writhing beneath him on his bed. That didn’t stop him from dreaming and hoping that somehow, someway, he’ll find a way to make things work out between him and Hankyung. And it certainly didn’t stop him from trying to make Hankyung’s world consisted of him and him only, eliminating every chance of Hankyung getting closer to one of his female friends whom to Siwon’s annoyance seemed to be all over his baby brother.
And Siwon had never thought twice of doing those things, never had any doubt or self-questioning at the way he selfishly hogged Hankyung all the time. Not until today.
They were slumping together side by side on the couch, watching some football rerun on TV. It was their usual Friday night. Moreover, they were too tired to go somewhere to spend the night out after their swimming session this afternoon.
Hankyung had his feet on Siwon’s lap, hogging a bucket of ice cream in his hands and it was all Siwon could do to watch Hankyung’s red lips licking his spoon over and over again. Siwon was pretty sure he would be having one of those intense wet dreams again tonight. But hey, he wasn’t complaining.
“I met Soo Jin today on my way to supermarket.” Hankyung said casually, as always, completely oblivious to Siwon’s hungry stare that was set on him.
“Yeah?” Siwon responded absentmindedly, too distracted by the sight of Hankyung’s tongue to try and remember who the hell this Lisa Hart was.
“Yep. You don’t remember her? She used to be our neighbor across the street before she and her family moved to another city. Apparently, they’re moving back into town, found a great house for sale near Hyun’s and there she was, on her way to shop for groceries for their housewarming party.”
Siwon’s forehead was frowned a bit as he was digging further into his brain, trying to pull Soo Jin out of his childhood memories. “Ah, yes.” Siwon finally nodded, grinning. “I remembered her. She was that girl who always tried to kick all the neighborhood’s boys’ asses, right? She never had ours though. We’re way too good for her.”
Hankyung laughed at that. “Yeah, we were. But... she turns out to be a pretty decent girl now, you know? Now she looks like one of those girls that keep buzzing around you all the time at school. I mean, all mini skirts and long shiny hair, but minus the mean attitude.” Hankyung said, eyes staring playfully at Siwon. “She’s quite nice, I’m sure you’ll agree once you get to see her again.”
“What’s that supposed to mean, you brat?” Siwon pasted a smile on his lips despite a strange feeling suddenly fleeted inside him at hearing Hankyung’s meaningful words.
Hankyung shrugged, suddenly looked serious. “Nothing. It’s just that... Mom said it’s about time for you to get a girlfriend and learn about love or something like that, and she’s a bit worried that you haven’t gotten any.”
Siwon saw a true concern on Hankyung’s expression and he laughed, couldn’t help it for all the irony on this situation. Hankyung looked at him questioningly and Siwon lifted his hand. “Sorry. But you should tell Mother that she doesn’t have to worry about that.” Siwon wiped a tear off his eyes from laughing too hard. “I just haven’t found an interest in having a girlfriend and all. It seems too much of a bother right now.”
Hankyung tilted his head to the side. “But is there really no girl out there that caught your eyes?”
Siwon fell silent at the question. The throbbing pain from hearing something like that coming out of Hankyung’s mouth made Siwon said something stupid that he knew for sure he’d regret later: “I don’t really care about girls.”
As soon as those words got out, Siwon was this close to punch himself out. But Hankyung was just sitting there, looking puzzled yet oblivious as ever, clearly because he didn’t catch any hidden meaning behind what Siwon had said. It should’ve made Siwon feel relieved, but instead it annoyed the hell out of him.
“What about you?” Siwon asked through gritted teeth, deep down he was not quite sure if allowing his temper controlling his reasons like what he was doing right now was a smart thing to do. It wasn’t like he wanted Hankyung to find out about his feelings, but at times, Hankyung’s cluelessness could really get to him. “Do you find girls interesting enough? Do you want to get a ‘girlfriend’ just so you can have someone to hold hands or date with?”
Hankyung looked like he was taken aback by the question. For a minute, his head was frowning as he thought of the answer. “Actually, I don’t know yet.” Hankyung finally said, shrugging. “Right now, for me girls are just a bunch of squealing, gossiping creatures. But ever since I’m a little boy, I’ve been dreaming about having a nice family around and even though I’ve already had one right now,” Hankyung glanced at Siwon and smiled warmly. “I think it’s a great idea to make another one myself later. So I guess one day I’ll find a girl to marry and just settle down. I know that’s what Mom’s hoping for. It surely will make her happy and that will be enough.”
And just like that, Siwon’s eyes opened up to the real situation laid before him. He could feel his heart breaking in two and the pain suddenly escalated so much that it felt as if it was clenching his insides. Hankyung’s string of words had finally made him realize something: Hankyung was not the only clueless person in this .He was too.
For Siwon to think that somehow his feelings for Hankyung could get some resolution in the end was completely stupid. They were brothers, and to top it off, they were both men. Their family was a respectable one. His proud father would never accept the fact that his eldest son was gay. Siwon would surely end up doing one thing he’d never wanted to do to his father: disappoint him. Eun Hwa would be broken hearted at that too, especially if by doing so Siwon would succeed in dragging Hankyung down into having the same preference as he had. And now that he had seriously thought it over, Hankyung was always crazy about family. He wouldn’t even consider returning Siwon’s love, and even if he would, it’d only be based on his kindness and the fact that he would never do anything to hurt Siwon. If that happened, Siwon could never forgive himself; because it’ll mean that his selfishness would become the sole reason in making Hankyung lose everything meaningful for him.
It dawned on Siwon now that there were just too many obstacles, too much impossibility, too much things at stake for him to go on with his feelings and hope for Hankyung. So from that day onwards, Siwon had decided to make some changes in his life. He had never meant for things to spiral down to what it had then become, but he was left with no choice since things didn’t go down as he had planned. At first all he did was trying to erase the feelings he had for Hankyung. He knew it’d be hard, but by the end of the third month, he realized that it was downright impossible. Hankyung was still the same as he would ever be: looking up to Siwon so much, maintaining his crystal clear wish to always be pampered and close to Siwon as he always was. It took all of Siwon’s strength to prevent his mind from going wild while Hankyung was clinging to him in the worst possible way, as oblivious as he was before to Siwon’s situation. It then inevitably led Siwon to move things up a notch. He started to create some distance away from Hankyung. Just a bit at first, but Siwon couldn’t help it as it was getting more and more stretched as time went by, to the point of him fleeing the room each time Hankyung came around.
It hurt. And Siwon knew Hankyung was hurt too. Every time he backed away whenever things got too friendly between both of them, Siwon could feel his heart constricted by the pain. Seeing Hankyung’s saddened face worsened him. Along the years, no matter how he always had tried his best not to, he could not miss the dark sadness clouding Hankyung’s eyes as he was watching Siwon with hopeful yet questioning stare. Sometimes, Siwon came so close to telling Hankyung the truth, the reason why he had been doing what he was doing. But then Hankyung’s words about wanting to marry a girl one day and settle down flashed into his mind, along with the disappointed face of his father and Eun Hwa’s betrayed look. Those were always enough to keep his mouth shut and looked away.
Unbearable as it was, Siwon had to do this. It was the only way they could stay as a family, just like how Hankyung wanted them to be.
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The sun is almost set by the time Siwon ends his story. One of the maids has turned the garden lights on, and the shade both from those and the sun is creating soft golden glow emanating all over garden’s grounds. This particular sight is one of Hankyung’s favorite views, actually. But at the moment, his heart is pounding too much for him to take any notice, let alone to bask in it.
This one story turns out to be a little bit different from others he had heard before. After the first two times Hankyung could always feel a flow of warmth spreading through his insides. Hearing previous stories is like going through a detoxification. It frees him, even if just a bit, from all those ever-increasing pain and remorse gathered throughout the years of his life. But this story causes nothing of the sort. It’s like a pointy dagger which sole purpose is stabbing -precisely and repeatedly- on an old wound that has yet to be healed even after all this time, and Hankyung is struggling to control his emotions.
Hankyung doesn’t even realize the way his fingers gripping the side of the bench hard, but Siwon can see it clearly through his glances. Sighing, Siwon feels a growing desire to beat himself to death. He knew already that it would be too painful for Hankyung to hear what he had just told. Hell, it even pained himself. But despite all the casualties, it’s crucial for Hankyung to know the truth. And after years of keeping it to himself, Siwon owes it to his past self -and to Hankyung-- to finally set the story right.
A long moment of silence passes before Hankyung finally opens his mouth. “I guess I did talk a lot about wanting a family back then, didn’t I?” His voice is hoarse with a hint of grim humor.
Siwon doesn’t know how to respond to that statement, so he just whispers a short yes as he watches a sad smile slowly spreading on Hankyung’s face.
Hearing that one word coming out of Siwon’s mouth -his tone filled with despair and lethargy- makes Hankyung feels familiar warmth spreading his insides. Suddenly, Hankyung understands what Siwon is trying to say to him through this particular story. Siwon isn’t lying when he said that the sole reason he had done everything he did back then was for Hankyung’s happiness. No more and no less. It was all Siwon could do, even when every part of him had never wanted to do it in the first place, and Hankyung realizes that he can’t really blame Siwon for that. He would have done the same if he was in Siwon’s shoes. The thought makes Hankyung wants to cry, because now he knows that when he thought he was suffering alone, it turned out Siwon was feeling the same pain, if not longer and much worse than what Hankyung had felt.
Hankyung finally can see now why Siwon is doing this. There are so many wounds when it comes to their past together, and apparently Siwon is trying to patch them, one story at a time. And Hankyung will be lying if he says it doesn’t work, because it does.
The problem is, along with the realization is the knowledge that Siwon is hoping for him to change his mind about leaving. It will be fine if the idea hasn’t crossed Hankyung’s mind after listening to those stories, but now Hankyung is seriously wondering what it would be like if he decides to stay. There’s this growing happiness from knowing that all this time, when it comes to the relationship between the two of them, Siwon is feeling the same way and is sharing the same pain he bears throughout his life. But then again, it collides with his fear and painful traumas that’s still haunting him. If he opens his heart again this time and get hurt in the end, Hankyung knows he will die from a broken heart.
Hankyung can feel a headache coming on. There are just too many things jumbled up inside his head and it makes him feels dizzy and scared. Gritting his teeth, Hankyung quickly rises up from his seat. “I’m sorry.” Hankyung feels flustered. “I don’t feel well. I think I’ll go back to my room for now.” And without looking back, Hankyung strides towards the house, leaving Siwon who’s watching him with remorse clouding his eyes.
---00o00----
Despite the way he felt the last time, Hankyung finds himself sitting next to Siwon on the same bench the next afternoon.
Siwon had asked him this morning if he was alright through the intercom and Hankyung knew Siwon was worried for he didn’t come down to have dinner last night. Hankyung told Siwon (and himself) that he was okay but both of them knew better than that. It was only after Hankyung came out of his room at midday that he found out Siwon had left a message for him through one of the maids before he left for the office, saying that he’d wait for Hankyung at the garden at same time as yesterday.
Hankyung knows that for his own sake he should have said no to that invitation. He should have told Siwon to just shut up and bring his sob story somewhere else where Hankyung can’t hear it.
But in the end here he is. Siwon is clearly surprised when he saw Hankyung step foot onto the garden. After the way Hankyung reacted yesterday, Siwon must have assumed Hankyung will never agree to this kind of thing anymore. Hell, that was also what Hankyung had had in mind at first. However, Hankyung finds himself unable to resist, because it is their stories. They’re part of Hankyung’s memories too and each word coming out of Siwon’s mouth is like a piece of puzzle that completes the whole picture of both of their life. A whole picture that used to be blank and mysterious in so many spots inside Hankyung’s mind that trying to remember it used to make Hankyung feels lost and broken. And isn’t this what he has been wanting for all this time?
A closure. An explanation.
Now that he gets it, he can’t stop himself from hoarding it. Each time he does, it’s chipping away his worthlessness bit by bit and it feels good. Too good.
All his life, Hankyung had always put aside or was forced to give up his wants, his desires, his happiness. He’s also used to think carefully before doing each of his acts, knowing that whatever he does, there will be a chance it might cause another bout of misery for him. But this thing that he feels right now, somehow he is reluctant to let it go. This time, he wants to be selfish and careless. He needs to. Perhaps, it’s the one last good thing that’ll ever happen to him and Hankyung decides to cling onto it, as long as he can. Considering the day he’ll be leaving this house is getting nearer, it won’t be that long anyway.
So Hankyung braces himself and comes to the garden, ignoring Siwon’s penetrating gaze on him as he takes his seat, ready to listen to whatever it is Siwon’s going to tell him.
“Don’t you have a story to tell?” He asks after a while, turning his head to look at Siwon who is just sitting there, watching him without saying anything.
Siwon blinks, once, twice, before diverting his gaze forward and clearing his throat. It’s after another long pause when finally Siwon opens his mouth. “Do you remember my first summer holiday away from campus?”
It’s now Hankyung’s turn to blink. There is a sudden pang in his heart at memories of that certain period floating in his head as result from hearing Siwon’s question. Hankyung lets out a grim chuckle, feels kind of disappointed that Siwon decides to tell him that particular story. “So you’re going to tell me about that one, Hyung? Seriously?”
“Don’t you want me to?” Siwon shoots back, eyes on Hankyung.
Hankyung watches Siwon’s clearly determined expression before shrugging, careful to keep hurt from showing on his face. “I just think there isn’t much story behind what happened that time, is it?”
“No, Hankyung-ah. Everything was more than how it was at that time.”
Hankyung shuts his eyes tightly. Already, he can feel the mixed emotions intensifying inside him. He folds his hands around his body before sighing and says in a resigned voice. “Fine. Tell me how it actually was then.”
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This was horrible. Siwon had been through so much just to make sure he wouldn’t have to face this kind of situation anymore.
He didn’t know what kind of reaction Hankyung was having at this, but after years of barely talking to each other, Siwon had assumed that maybe Hankyung would be pleased with the whole thing, which made it all the more worse for Siwon.
If he could, he would’ve said no to Eun Hwa’s request and happily spent his time at his dorm for the whole summer holiday instead, just like he had always done before. He was already in the end of his third year in university after all. He had gained enough popularity and groups of friends --not to mention flings-- that he was certain he wouldn’t have had a hard time looking for something (or someone) fun to do. But even as a growing teenager in his first year of high school, Hankyung was still considered a minor and Eun Hwa was reluctant to leave Hankyung alone without any family around while she and Siwon’s dad went out of town for Eun Hwa’s treatment. It would be awesome if Hankyung could tag along with them, but alas, Hankyung had decided to take extra classes for summer. Thus, here was Siwon, expected to babysit his baby brother/object of his wet dreams/the man he still pretty much loved and had been avoiding for almost four years now.
It was only for one week, and Siwon had made it through the first two days without making any meaningful contact with Hankyung. He hung out at various clubs at night and went home in the morning to sleep his days away. However, Eun Hwa found out and scolded him through phone for not taking his responsibilities of taking care of his brother seriously. For the sake of not making her health worsen due to worry, Siwon had apologized and promised her that he’d stay home for the rest of the week. Bound by his own words and having nowhere to escape the situation at hand, Siwon was certain the next few days would be a total disaster. He could feel it strongly in his guts. Hankyung, it seemed, had noticed that Siwon was spending his nights at home instead of going out like he used to so Siwon wouldn’t be surprised if there was a knock on his room’s door anytime now. He wasn’t so much of expecting it as dreading for it to happen. He knew Hankyung was waiting for an opportunity to talk to him in his effort to rekindle their bond, and it looked like he would finally have his chance.
Siwon didn’t like the possibility of that. Not one bit. He really wished Hankyung could leave things the way they were. Even when Siwon knew that Hankyung had no idea of the reason behind Siwon avoiding him the way he did, but if Hankyung could just accept it and moved on, it would do both of them good. But apparently his brother was nowhere near ready to put it past them, and Siwon knew exactly what Hankyung had wanted to talk to him about. In the end, the question ‘why’ would come out, and Siwon wouldn’t be able to answer it truthfully without making all of his sacrifice for all this time went to waste.
That was why for each day he spent at home, Siwon would pass it by sleeping while Hankyung was going to his cramp classes. At night, he would invite one of his fuck buddies to stay over and he made sure Hankyung was aware of it, just so Hankyung would leave him alone.
Siwon wasn’t proud for doing it. But the fear building up inside him had left him no choice but to stoop so low.
It was indeed the first time for Siwon to take a man home even when it had already been a year since Siwon told his family that he was gay. Eun Hwa had been very understanding while Siwon couldn’t quite get Hankyung’s reaction. He was clearly surprised to hear that, but he didn’t say anything about it even until now. On the other hand, his dad had made a big fuss over it for months, and despite feeling sorry for disappointing his father, Siwon had stood his ground. In the end, the high tide was over and Siwon’s dad looked like he had made peace with the reality that his oldest son was gay.
All in all, Siwon could safely tell himself that he had done everything he could to avoid turning the summer break into a major catastrophe like what he had feared from the start.
But apparently his plan was proven to be totally ineffective against Hankyung’s stubborn nature. Siwon had hoped Hankyung would have enough sense to play along with his scheme, but sometimes his baby brother just didn’t know when to let go. And Siwon was driven to the corner.
It was the sixth night. There was just one more day before their parents returned from their trip, and Siwon would soon be freed from all this mess. Siwon was at the end of his wits and he couldn’t wait to go back to his dorm life even though he had admitted that --even with all the fun and the flings-- he always felt empty and hollow there. After all, nowhere in this world was good enough for Siwon ever since he left Hankyung’s side. But hands down, Siwon much preferred feeling empty and hollow rather than all these emotions inside him when Hankyung was around. In this state, even looking at Hankyung was simply too much for Siwon. It made Siwon wanted to reach out for him, to take a chance and get everything he had ever wanted. He wanted to do it so badly and it was suffocating, because he knew he couldn’t afford to waver now. Not after all this time.
Siwon really wished he could make Hankyung understand how important it was for things to stay just as they were. But he couldn’t, and now Hankyung was standing there across the room where Siwon was currently in the middle of a heavy make-out session with this guy whose name he couldn’t even remember. Siwon could see Hankyung’s eyes were going wider while he was watching the guy --who obviously hadn’t realized that they had an audience standing behind him-- planting kisses all over Siwon’s nape. Siwon was beyond surprised, and he wanted to tell the guy on top of him to stop and just fucking get off, but he didn’t. Instead, he was just laying there on the couch and stared back at those darkened eyes. Siwon wondered what brought Hankyung out of his room tonight. He knew Siwon kept bringing random people home at night and he usually stayed out of Siwon’s way. But perhaps Hankyung too, was aware that their parents would come back Tomorrow night and decided to seize his last opportunity, no matter what.
If that was true, Hankyung hadn’t said a word about it. For a long minute, it went on like a cheap show in a stripper joint where Siwon played his part as the exotic dancer at the center of the stage while Hankyung was the voyeur with the unreadable gaze. It was uncomfortable to say the least and Siwon was about to tell the guy to stop when Hankyung cleared his throat and finally said something while averting his gaze to the other side of the room.
“Hyung, I need to have a word with you.”
Siwon watched in amusement as the guy on top of him jerked up at hearing Hankyung’s voice, turning his head behind his shoulders quickly and letting out a squeaky sound when he saw Hankyung there. “What the fuck...?!” He muttered while scrambling to get off of Siwon. But Siwon stopped him from doing so by holding him with his strong arms, wordlessly telling him to stay where he was. The guy stared at him, confused, and Siwon noticed Hankyung had the same puzzled gaze thrown at him.
Siwon was ignoring both of them as he used one of his hands to sneak inside the guy’s shirt and gently ran his fingers along the skin beneath. The guy shivered at the touch. “Siwon-sshi...” The guy whispered between his teeth. “What the hell are you doing?”
Siwon answered him with a smirk, his fingers found one of the guy’s nipples and he flicked it once, causing the guy’s body to jerk unconsciously, accompanied by a held back moan. When Siwon talked, his words were directed to Hankyung who was watching the whole scene in disbelief. “I’m busy, Hankyung-ah. Can’t you tell?”
Even if Siwon’s voice was a bit shaken, Hankyung didn’t seem to notice. It took a few seconds, but anger was eventually shown in the younger man's eyes, and Hankyung clenched his jaws as he spoke. “I can see that, Hyung. But would you mind taking your brain off your dick for just a moment and come out to talk with me?”
The time is running out, was what Hankyung didn’t say out loud, but Siwon can hear it reverberating in the air anyway.
Siwon didn’t budge though. The guy threw his head back, ecstatic at the feel of Siwon’s touch all over his torso, and Siwon accepted the silent invitation, craning his head up a bit to lick along that slender neck. Siwon felt relieved as this guy seemed to have decided to follow along Siwon’s scheme, whatever it was, and had thrown his worry and embarrassment out of the window. As if on cue, he started to grind his hips on Siwon’s lap, and Siwon had to bite back a growl threatening to come out at the way his dick responded to the treatment.
It was horrifying when Siwon noticed how turned on he was. Siwon was no newbie when it comes to foreplay, but it usually took more than a fucking hips-grinding to get his dick interested enough. This time though, Hankyung was right there, watching him as he was focusing his mind on trying to make another man squirming on his lap, and fuck if that gaze didn’t fan his burning lust and made his skin crawl with excitement. It was so fucked up, so twisted... so wrong, yet so arousing at the same time. Siwon had never hated himself more than he did at the moment. Disgust filled his sTomach, and Siwon felt exactly like that one time when he fucked a guy senseless in the middle of bad hangover.
Except that this felt worse.
“Go away, Hankyung-ah.” Siwon retorted, those words coming out harsher and with a tone much lower than he meant to but Siwon didn’t care. He’d end up hurting Hankyung more than he already had if Hankyung didn’t get his ass out of the room quickly because Hankyung wanted to have a fucking conversation and there was no way in hell Siwon would allow that to happen.
Siwon could sense Hankyung’s desperation at hearing his answer. His shoulder sagged, and he lifted one of his hands to rub his eyes in a defeated manner. “ Please... Hyung, just a word...” His voice was breaking now, almost hoarse, and Siwon’s inside clenched tightly at hearing it. “You’ll be gone tomorrow and there’ll be no more chance for us to do this.”
A sharp ache from his jaw didn’t stop Siwon from grinding his teeth. His hands reached down in one swift movement and even though his ears were slowly deafened by the mad thumping of his heart, Siwon could still hear both Hankyung and the guy on top of him gasped out breath almost in unison as the sound of his zipper being pulled down was echoing through the room.
Hankyung sounded frantic now, and scared. For one second Siwon wondered if that was a sob he heard coming from the younger man’s mouth.
“Hyung, God.” Hankyung stuttered, already took one step back away from where he was standing firmly before. “Please, I just....”
Yeah, it was definitely a sob.
“I just need to understand... It’s painful like this and I just want to know why!” Hankyung nearly yelled the last sentence out, shutting his eyes closed tightly to prevent himself from further watching the scene in front of him. But Siwon kept acting like he paid no heed nor heard a word Hankyung had said.
Siwon slipped a hand beneath his pants, letting his throbbing member out in the open with such velocity. The guy on top of him took his time to drag his eyes from the freed cock up to Siwon’s hard gaze, looking like he was torn up between either wanting to smack some sense into Siwon’s head or pleading for permission to just go down already and suck the hell out of the man.
The guy knew what kind of game Siwon was playing with his step-brother. He fully understood that he was just an icing on the cake here. However if someone asked him, he’d definitely say it was a messed up situation. He didn’t quite get why Siwon had bothered to do it in the first place. Hell, that cute brother of his only demanded a conversation, didn’t he? So why the hell was Siwon getting so hell bent to avoid that simple request? Judging from all those jaw-clenching and pain-filled eyes he could see on Siwon’s face, he could sense that no matter which side won, Siwon would end up losing anyway. But hell, it got him hotter than any foreplay and he didn’t want to end it by complaining. It had been a long time since he had a mind-blowing fuck, and he bet all his money that he’d experience one soon tonight if he just shut his mouth and tag along the scenario Siwon had set up.
“Hyung...” Hankyung looked like he had no more clue as to what he could say that would make Siwon listen. Tears were threatening to fall off his eyes but he still stood there, swaying, and not for the first time, Siwon cursed Hankyung’s stubborn nature.
It seemed Hankyung left him no choice. With his heart so heavy he found it difficult to breathe, Siwon laid down on his back, trying to control the trembling in his voice as he looked deep into the guy’s eyes and barked, “Suck me.”
Everything moved in slow motion in Siwon’s eyes. The guy moved and a moment later Siwon could feel a ghost of hot breath over his cock, followed by a flick of tongue. Siwon swallowed hard and threw his head back onto the couch’s hand rest, the corner of his eyes was watching as Hankyung was frozen on his feet for what felt like forever before finally, finally, turning back and left the room with his head down and his fists clenching on his sides.
Siwon lifted one of his hands to cover his face. Despite taking what could have been one of the wildest blow job he had ever gotten, Siwon’s whole body felt numb and he wasn’t at all surprised when a trickle of tears left his eyes, flowing down along his cheeks and dripped onto the soft cushion below.
Even for a man, this kind of pain would surely be accompanied with a cry. It was unavoidable. After all, it did hurt that much.
For many years to come, that was the last Hankyung had ever come to him in search of an answer.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hankyung dug his fists, trying to breathe as innumerable emotions raging inside him. It is almost too much and he shut his eyes closed tightly to tone it down. From the corner of his eyes, he could see Siwon sitting there with his head down, his hands intertwining tightly, and uncomfortable silence is surrounding both of them heavily.
“See, I told you everything was more than how it was at that time...” Siwon says after a while with a hint of dark humor in his voice. Only after he hears no reply coming from Hankyung’s stiff figure then Siwon sighs and lifts his hand to rub his temple in a defeated gesture.
“I’m sorry, Hankyung-ah.... For everything, I really am...”
It sounds almost like a whisper, but those words are echoing inside Hankyung’s head nonetheless. The younger man grits his teeth, waiting in dread to feel the usual desires to just get up and out of this place, presumably to hide inside his room and weep for hours. But it never comes. Instead, it is like he’s nailed to where he’s sitting, can’t and won’t move away from Siwon for even an inch.
Because for some reason, this story Siwon told him have finally pushed a trigger, it finally succeeds on making something shift deep inside of Hankyung. Something he thought he could never feel again after everything that had happened, something that had been so long buried and locked in so tightly. He doesn’t know which one of these emotions that snaps at his core and flicks it open, but whatever it is inside is now out and is going berserk, messing him up until he no longer knows what to do.
Perhaps it’s the endless new points of view to some darkest moments in his life that keeps dawning on him from listening to Siwon’s stories, or maybe it’s the regret, or it might as well be the realization which he knows is always there but never had a chance to take on. Either way, he can no longer deny it now. In the blink of an eye, it has become as clear as day for him that this thing between him and Siwon doesn’t always have to be so hard and painful, if only both of them are willing to let go of the past and just seize the moment. Well, Siwon surely has seized it. And now Hankyung feels kind of stupid as he is trying to digest a newfound fact that maybe, after all of his fucking preach to Siwon to just let go of the past and move on, it is Hankyung himself who hasn’t been ready to do so.
Hankyung sighs. Well, isn’t this peachy? He wonders if his mind can choose a better timing to change its course on this whole Siwon topic. It will only be one more day before he leaves this place and gets on with his life, but Hankyung should have known that God or any powerful entity up there has never made things go as he plans it. Things have always turn messy with a bang in Hankyung’s life, and to his reluctant amusement, this resignation he is feeling might be a sign that he has gotten used to it.
Hankyung chuckles softly and turns to look carefully at Siwon. The older man seems to be conflicted enough with his own feeling, fails to sense whatever mental alteration that is shifting and growing inside Hankyung, but Hankyung studies him thoroughly nonetheless. To his surprise, what he now feels is kind of liberating. His eyes are taking sight of Siwon’s forlorn figure, and before he knows it, his mind is already playing different kind of scenes he had never dared before to imagine, running endless possibilities he had never allowed himself to even think about before. The result made his heart thump like crazy, his stomach is doing simultaneous flip flops and for once, the fear that usually accompanies such thought isn’t there to make his brain stop these things it does. Or perhaps the fear is still there, but is smothered over by these overwhelming excitement and challenging ‘what ifs’ that has gone wild once Hankyung is stripped off of all his usual inhibitions.
It’s exhilarating, yet horrifying at the same time and Hankyung grips the fabric of his pants tightly as he tries to control himself or else he’s sure he’ll be hyperventilated soon from all the rush.
Now that it all has come to this, Hankyung needs to say something to Siwon, and to do so, he needs to be calm. He won’t get his point across if he says it with a quivering voice and trembling hands or madly beating hearts. He needs to sound okay so Siwon will understand that he means it. All of it.
Hankyung fully realizes that it’ll be like opening the gate to a secret place in him that once forbidden for Siwon to enter. No doubt, there’d be more questions ensue coming from the older man. Though, if there’s still something he isn’t quite sure of, it’ll be the answers to those questions. But Hankyung decides to go with the flow and not wasting the moment. After all, this is the most courageous and confident he has ever been. Somehow it empowers him, making his heart feels so light like it never had for so long. It makes him feel he can do anything and all of a sudden happiness doesn’t seem to be too farfetched now. In short, it feels so fucking amazing that instead of being a stuck up like he used to be whenever this kind of desire comes up, Hankyung allows himself to be carried away this time.
“I guess at this point, both of us were never at fault...” Hankyung starts, eyes looking forward, hoping he’ll find it in him to say all the right words. “Somehow, life had fucked us up, even when all we did was caring too much about one another.”
Siwon slowly lifts his head to stare at Hankyung. His eyes are widening with disbelief, and even without looking Hankyung can sense how Siwon’s once crushed hope is coming back to life. Hankyung takes a deep breath, encouraging himself to continue and ignore all the cautions and warnings that’s starting to go rampant in his head. He smiles bitterly, “Seriously, all this time, what have we done to ourselves, Siwon?”
“Hankyung-ah...” Siwon whispers his name while holding down breath; as if afraid the whole thing will be just another illusion.
Hankyung turns and looks at him in the eye, can’t help it when tears start to gather and blur his vision, no matter how much he’s struggling not to crack. “I believe it’s enough now..., isn’t it? Let’s stop hurting each other...” His voice is trembling, his breath stuck in his throat and he wishes so hard that what he’s doing now is the right choice to make, that this will not be one of those times -again- when he puts his heart out in the open only to find it sTomped and crushed into nothing.
There are flashes of moments, and before Hankyung can even blink, Siwon is already sitting closer -much closer- to him that he can feel his body heat through layers of clothes he’s wearing. Hankyung swallows, hard, realizing that his heartbeat is skyrocketed even more -if it’s possible. Despite the queasiness he feels in his gut due to their sudden proximity, Hankyung finds himself unable to look away from those eyes.
“Please... “ Siwon pleads, trying hard to control his voice. “Please tell me that you meant what I think you did, Hankyung-ah.”
The tears finally spilled over Hankyung’s cheek now. He shakes his head slowly, faint smile on his lips and eyes still on Siwon’s. “I’m just... tired, Hyung.” He said softly. “I know I’ve said things that are quite contrary to what I’m going to say now, but the fact is I’m still pretty much in love with you. And though I kept denying it, I can see that you still love me too. I think it’ll be a mistake if I don’t grab this chance for all its worth. For once, fate has been kind to me and all I know is that I’ll be damned if I turn my back away from everything I have ever dreamt of all my life.”
It is silent for a moment. Siwon’s hand is trembling as he takes hold one of Hankyung’s. “You’re saying...” He stops for a second to clear his throat. “You’re saying you’d like to try?”
Hankyung’s smile falters at that question. Now that it has come out in the open, Hankyung feels even more uncertain than ever. “I don’t...” He tries to answer and apparently fails miserably. He then sighs before looking down; squeezing Siwon’s hand in what he hopes is a comforting gesture. “I won’t leave any time soon. That I can give you, Hyung. But about that.... it’s not like I don’t have that in mind. It’s just... I need some more time to think about it.”
And to Hankyung’s relief Siwon slowly nods, understanding clear in his gaze. Considering how close Hankyung is to turn around and leave the possibility of even them trying to stay together in the same place, Hankyung guesses what he is offering is already exceeded Siwon’s expectation anyway.
“God...” Siwon’s cracked voice breaches Hankyung’s ears and Hankyung lifts his head to stare at him. Siwon looks like he’s about to burst. His whole body is shivering with something akin to excitement, and his grip on Hankyung’s hand gets impossibly tighter.
“You have no idea how happy I am now, Hankyung-ah. I feel like I’d die right now if I don’t hug you or something...”
Hankyung is taken aback a little by that passionate statement, recognizes a desperate plea for permission on the older man’s gaze. Before he knows it, he can’t stop his smile from getting wider. “I think I can handle a hug alright.” Hell, Hankyung knows it’s the least of what they both deserve after all this time.
Right then and there, as Siwon swoops him inside his embrace in one swift move, Hankyung can feel heavy contentment which is spreading his inside like a wildfire, making him bite back a sigh. Their chests are touching, and Siwon’s heartbeat apparently matches him in crazy speed. There is no turning back now the way Hankyung sees it. He has taken the first step. Judging from the way he feels torn between falling and flying, Hankyung guesses both of them will still have a lot to worry and more hurdles to overcome. But they can always figure those out later. Much later, in fact, since right now all Hankyung wants is to savor the warmth of Siwon’s body all over him. A sensation he had once lost and tried to forget.
“I’m sorry, Hyung.” Hankyung mumbles when his mind is suddenly filled with memories from the past, his heart stinging from regrets. Siwon goes still for a second and Hankyung knows that Siwon knows that this time, he’s saying those words of apology for both of them. So Hankyung chucks those regrets away, determined to just look towards the future from now on as he tightens his hands around Siwon’s waist and burrows his face deeper into the older man’s broad shoulder.
---00o00---
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
(Coldplay - Fix You)
TBC
PS: As always, comments are always welcome and appreciated. :)