To be awake is to be alive
hmm..so a second attempt of sorts at a stream of consciousness-I realize that I really have no right to attempt to do this when I have only started to read Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury..but anyway a non proof-read and rather quickly put together jumble of thoughts
All we’ve made is a web full of lies..you think that it’ll protect you from the pain of life.if you are guible enough to fall into the web..to be eaten by the spider of despair and cruelity..don’t you realize that even though our lives drip with lies and scarcasism that doesn’t make either of them good or just..i laugh..i laugh..you speak and expect the world to believe what you say..but how can you when you know those words that escape your lips are well thought out lies..the truth inside your heart is too obvious im afraid..i can easily see through you. or so I think..ha..but why I am complaining..i can not say that I have not lied..but then again I can’t say that I know the truth...I don’t even know who I am and what I want..but there is an empty hollow deep inside my soul yerning for something that I can only guess of..why do I only want something when I don’t have it and find it old and ordinary when I do..why can’t I just be happy with what I have..instead of expecting more..my hand fat with envy evelopes yours, grabs yours...rips it off in an attempt to satisfy my own hunger..but in my own pain Im too blind to see others...they’ll never understand me..but that is just a stupid excuse..I am just as bad and stupid and uncaring..but I don’t WANT to be..can’t someone just slap at the oppurtune moments and yell at me when I do something wrong..why must I turn a blind eye to the world and turn only to myself...why can’t I just...
walking through a muddy storm of teenage love and despair..trying to clear my eyes with dirty hands hands that buried themselves in an evil deeper than the black of night..hands that look so white and innocent but are so dirty and demented can’t you see the evil..the world is not perfect..hypocrit..tears no longer offer you consoldance..they come as only a daily annoyance that break the perfect image of sangfroid..mais le monde t’a fait du mal tout les temps..don’t be stupid..don’t try to fool yourself..and just let the tears fall naturally..its ok..we all cry, we all bleed, we all make mistakes..even when we don’t want to..you’re no one special, so stop trying to be anyone..high heels and straight hair..who cares in the end?. do you want respect or do you want love..do want hellos and hidden messages of hate do you want to know the truth..even though it will hurt you more than anything you’ve experienced and make you fell so damn lonely and afriad..do you want to live a life of lies?..how can we manage to trust anyone anymore..why are we soo stupid then and so guilable..you said you loved me..I beleived the affair only a week..you brought my sophmoric heart.you had introduced to me to confused world of love only to knock me off as a cruelly planned out joke..to save your face..or were you really that cruel..I’m not sure if i’d put that past you..all I know is that I feel head over heels into your one word responses and smiled at the very thought of it..I was so hurt and vunerable and easy..and you just took advantage?..well I guess I’ve learned..or have I..I can just see myself falling into you again..because the trap is so inviting..and even when you are the least of all people that we would rationally trust..we do..we trust you, when we wouldn’t trust our best friends..because we want so badly for someone to love and to trust and someone who will know every little vein of hope and happiness and joy and sadness within our intricate and delicate hearts without hurting the pattern of our souls..but if you unlock your dark secrets to someone than they will only know better how to hurt you, even if they do not wish to..and if you throw yourself at them with such hope and expectations and if you care so much about them so then it is only more likely that they will hurt you?..do you want to know the truth?
All we’ve made is a web full of lies..you think that it’ll protect you from the pain of life.if you are guible enough to fall into the web..to be eaten by the spider of despair and cruelity..don’t you realize that even though our lives drip with lies and scarcasism that doesn’t make either of them good or just..i laugh..i laugh..you speak and expect the world to believe what you say..but how can you when you know those words that escape your lips are well thought out lies..the truth inside your heart is too obvious im afraid..i can easily see through you. or so I think..ha..but why I am complaining..i can not say that I have not lied..but then again I can’t say that I know the truth...I don’t even know who I am and what I want..but there is an empty hollow deep inside my soul yerning for something that I can only guess of..why do I only want something when I don’t have it and find it old and ordinary when I do..why can’t I just be happy with what I have..instead of expecting more..my hand fat with envy evelopes yours, grabs yours...rips it off in an attempt to satisfy my own hunger..but in my own pain Im too blind to see others...they’ll never understand me..but that is just a stupid excuse..I am just as bad and stupid and uncaring..but I don’t WANT to be..can’t someone just slap at the oppurtune moments and yell at me when I do something wrong..why must I turn a blind eye to the world and turn only to myself...why can’t I just...
walking through a muddy storm of teenage love and despair..trying to clear my eyes with dirty hands hands that buried themselves in an evil deeper than the black of night..hands that look so white and innocent but are so dirty and demented can’t you see the evil..the world is not perfect..hypocrit..tears no longer offer you consoldance..they come as only a daily annoyance that break the perfect image of sangfroid..mais le monde t’a fait du mal tout les temps..don’t be stupid..don’t try to fool yourself..and just let the tears fall naturally..its ok..we all cry, we all bleed, we all make mistakes..even when we don’t want to..you’re no one special, so stop trying to be anyone..high heels and straight hair..who cares in the end?. do you want respect or do you want love..do want hellos and hidden messages of hate do you want to know the truth..even though it will hurt you more than anything you’ve experienced and make you fell so damn lonely and afriad..do you want to live a life of lies?..how can we manage to trust anyone anymore..why are we soo stupid then and so guilable..you said you loved me..I beleived the affair only a week..you brought my sophmoric heart.you had introduced to me to confused world of love only to knock me off as a cruelly planned out joke..to save your face..or were you really that cruel..I’m not sure if i’d put that past you..all I know is that I feel head over heels into your one word responses and smiled at the very thought of it..I was so hurt and vunerable and easy..and you just took advantage?..well I guess I’ve learned..or have I..I can just see myself falling into you again..because the trap is so inviting..and even when you are the least of all people that we would rationally trust..we do..we trust you, when we wouldn’t trust our best friends..because we want so badly for someone to love and to trust and someone who will know every little vein of hope and happiness and joy and sadness within our intricate and delicate hearts without hurting the pattern of our souls..but if you unlock your dark secrets to someone than they will only know better how to hurt you, even if they do not wish to..and if you throw yourself at them with such hope and expectations and if you care so much about them so then it is only more likely that they will hurt you?..do you want to know the truth?