SMASHING GLASS BRIDGES//HAEHYUK
Title: SMASHING GLASS BRIDGES
Pairing: DONGHAE/EUNHYUK
Rating: R
Summary: MAYBE THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER AS WELL AS THEY THOUGHT.
It started off with a crush. Hyukjae was still a teenager, getting use to his final growth spurt, when he knocked into Donghae. They were both trainees then, but Hyukjae barely talked to Donghae. The younger boy seemed so cool, and Hyukjae, well, he was still trying to assert his identity into his dancing.
Donghae grinned and helped Hyukjae up. "Hey."
"Hey," Hyukjae replied belatedly.
"Um, yeah, I'll see you around."
Hyukjae was slightly troubled that through their brief exchanging of words, he found Donghae very charming.
--
Hyukjae was very happy to admit that he was in a not-really-a-relationship-but-getting-there with Donghae. They held hands, hugged, sat next to each other, but neither had formally asked each other out. Hyukjae figured it was because they didn't need to, that it was a taciturn understanding, until Donghae told him one night that he had a girlfriend.
When he wasn't genuinely happy for his friend, Hyukjae realized he had taken his silly crush too far.
--
After six months, Donghae broke up with her. Hyukjae was ecstatic, but he played the role of the sympathetic, comforting best friend well. Perhaps too well because that was the first night they became intimate. To this day, Hyukjae still can't remember what led to it. He remembered his reluctance withering away the second Donghae pleaded, "Please, I need it," hands sliding between their bodies unsurely, hesitation, Donghae's cheek pressed against his, and the guilt.
It was also the first time they kissed.
--
Donghae's new girlfriend was pretty and tall. Sungmin adored her, but then again, he loved all the girls he met. Hyukjae thought there was something misplaced about her cheeriness, but he didn't bring it up. He almost did, when Donghae collapsed on his bed and sighed dreamily, "I think I'm in love."
Hyukjae felt bile climbing up his throat. He swallowed. "You sure?"
"She's so sweet, and funny, and she's got this gorgeous smile. She makes me feel...special." He had a faraway look in his eyes. "She also told me that I was her first."
"She's lying," Hyukjae wanted to spit out; instead he smiled and said, "She's good for you."
Turned out it was one of the few things Hyukjae was right about. Donghae caught her cheating two weeks later. Hyukjae knew Donghae wasn't good with dealing with break-ups, so he wasn't surprised when Donghae broke out of the norm and dragged him to a bar. Donghae drank; Hyukjae didn't. If this was how he dealt, then fine. He sat by the other man and watched him down one drink after another. Kibum had certainly taught him how to handle his alcohol better.
When it looked like Donghae was going to pass out, Hyukjae pushed his final drink away and let him slump against his shoulder. They sat there for a while under the dim light, Hyukjae listening to the evening of Donghae's breathing.
"I like you," he confessed when he was sure Donghae had fallen asleep.
Donghae was still awake.
--
Donghae switched girlfriends so often it was like he was trying to prove something. Hyukjae had gotten use to his constant jealousy, and he didn't care anymore when Donghae told him he had a new one because Hyukjae knew she wasn't going to last long. It was terrible of him, but Hyukjae liked the angry break-ups the best because the worse the break-up, the harder Donghae fucked him.
--
Donghae came back from China with another girlfriend. She was Chinese, and Donghae loved her because she was trilingual. The only difference this time was Hyukjae also had a girl he liked. They had met at a music store (she had never heard of them). She was older than him, but she didn't treat him like a little brother. Hyukjae was confident things would work out now; his stupid crush would disappear, and he'd go back to normal and date girls.
He asked her out. She said yes. Donghae was dumped the same day.
Donghae came to him as usual, and Hyukjae panicked. This time he had a girlfriend, a girlfriend that he really liked.
"You can't keep doing this," he hissed, but Donghae ignored him and shoved him into the bathroom.
"Donghae!" he tried again. Donghae locked the door, gave him a heady stare, and in response his body began to shiver in anticipation. Shit. He wanted to tell Donghae that this wasn't the right way to deal with his relationships, that he had to talk it out, but the selfish part of him kept his mouth shut. Donghae took him bent over the sink, his face inches away from the mirror.
The next morning, Hyukjae guiltily told his girlfriend he made a mistake, didn't have time for her, and other impromptu excuses. She said she understood.
Donghae came out of Hyukjae's room smiling and hugged him.
She didn't deserve you.
Hyukjae wanted to punch him.
Fuck you.
--
Things fell into its old routine. Hyukjae forgot about her; Donghae went out with another girl. One thing Hyukjae was sure about was that Donghae was adept at hiding his relationships from the press and that he never took them too far for them to be serious. For that, Hyukjae was grateful. It made him feel better.
--
"I think I still like him," Hyukjae told Hankyung because Hankyung's the only one who wouldn't understand what he was talking about. The Chinese man gave him a confused look as if to ask, "Him?"
"I like girls," he answered, but Donghae was his one and only exception.
Hankyung merely nodded. On the ride home, Hyukjae thought about Donghae and his incredulous expressions and his smiles and his arms and- fuck.
--
Hyukjae felt like a lovesick teenaged girl again.
But thankfully, he kind of got over it.
--
"Hey, I'm your best friend, right?" Donghae asked him one day.
"Well," Hyukjae mused aloud jokingly, "there is Junsu. He's an idiot, but you are, too. Hmm, tough decision."
Donghae laughed and smacked his shoulder. "Okay, fine. You're my best friend."
"Okay." Hyukjae wasn't sure where Donghae was going with this. The other man leaned closer.
"We'll be best friends forever, right? Even when we're old and dying."
"Donghae, we're all going to be friends when we're old and dying. Why bother asking?"
"Just checking," Donghae chirped, linking his arm with Hyukjae's as they walked out of the company building.
During the day, it was always like this. During the night, it was a different story.
--
Donghae was unusually bright today, more jittery than usual as he paced around. Everyone pegged it down to nerves, finally being on the big stage in front of cameras and screaming fans again. Hyukjae suspected it wasn't just that because Donghae wouldn't stop fucking touching him. Hips, ears, neck, waist. Hyukjae would jump slightly, and Donghae would laugh and slip away.
Donghae was never this happy unless, well, there were two different reasons.
One, Donghae was the one that did the dumping.
Two, Donghae already found a new girlfriend.
And three, well, three was wishful thinking, but Hyukjae hoped that--no,
focus, it would never happen, but still, Hyukjae hoped.
It's just your new hair, he told himself fervently. Everyone likes red on you.
(Except for Heechul, who had sniffed, "Copy cat."
Donghae grinned smugly and wrapped an arm around Hyukjae's shoulder. "I like it."
"As if your opinion matters."
It mattered to Hyukjae.)
But every time Donghae touched him during the show, it became harder and harder for Hyukjae to believe it was simply because of his hair. The burning sensation of Donghae's fingers lingered long after, but Hyukjae suppressed his reaction to them, blocked Donghae from his thoughts, and did what he was born to do. He wasn't going to let Donghae distract him from one of the most important days of his life.
--
The show was a huge success. The members spent almost an hour hugging and crying until the adrenaline and excitement wore off enough for them to quietly head to the showers. Hyukjae had never felt so wonderful; the overwhelming feeling that enveloped him during performances was indescribable, but if Hyukjae could put it into words, then it wouldn't be something special he could cherish. It was what he lived for.
The post-show high thrummed through him so strongly he didn't want to wash it away just yet, so he joined Donghae on the dressing room's couch and pulled a bottle of make-up remover toward him.
"Donghae-ah, wasn't that the best show ever? Your voice was really good, you know, I wish I could sing like you, or Yesung-hyung, or anyone better than me. I thought the show was really great. What about-" Hyukjae's next word trailed off pitifully, wiped away from his tongue when he felt Donghae brush a thumb just below the ends of his bangs. A warm feeling he thought he'd never experience again smacked him in the head and heated his cheeks before he could stop it.
"Sorry. There was still some confetti left." Donghae grinned sheepishly and dropped his hand back into his lap. "You were saying?"
-you? Stop it. Stop treating me like this. Stop making me like you. I'm your fucking friend.
--
Turned out it was their one year anniversary last night. Donghae had been out with his girlfriend for the entire day. Hyukjae was sitting between Shindong and Ryeowook, covered in a blanket, eyes glued to the television screen, when he came back.
"How'd you get in?" Shindong was the first to ask.
"Kyuhyun's key." Donghae shrugged and tugged Hyukjae up from his seat so they could sit by each other at the end of the couch. Hyukjae stared at the bruise-or maybe it was just a weird shadow-on Donghae's neck longer than he intended. Then, as if he knew, Donghae shifted, pulled up the collar of his shirt, and turned toward him. And if Donghae noticed that Hyukjae tried to casually lean against his side, he pretended not to. Instead, he whispered, "We should go out to Seoul at night sometime. Just the two of us. I hear it's magical," into his ear.
Hyukjae laughed and lightly shoved him. "Donghae, you got that from the commercial we did for China."
"So? You totally want to go. I know you do. You're always won over with the corny stuff."
"Shut up. I am not."
"Are, too."
"Am not. Go call your girlfriend or something and leave me alone."
"You basically admitted you are."
"Kids! we're getting to the good part," Shindong barked from his side of the couch. Donghae grinned smugly at Hyukjae and mouthed, "Tomorrow."
In Hyukjae's world, yesterday never happened. This was what he wanted, Hyukjae told himself. Just friends.
--
"I like you."
The silence stretched on forever. Hyukjae waited for an explanation, but when it never came, he stood up and stormed out of the room.
--
Why now?
--
"I meant what I said."
"Donghae." The words he had rehearsed for this confrontation were shaky coming out of his mouth. "No, you didn't. You're confused. Whenever she yells at you, you come to me for attention. It doesn't work like that."
"But I thought you liked me, too," Donghae whispered.
"I don't think that matters anymore. Don't use me anymore as a way to deal with them."
--
Hyukjae hated the part of him that caved in easily because of the "goodness of his heart." He also hated that he was fickle with his feelings. Or maybe Donghae just liked to play the ignorant and forgetful card too much.
Last time was supposed to be the last time, but it was Donghae's hand that brought him to completion today.
The reason?
Donghae lost his girlfriend's mother's ring.
"Please, just understand. Don't take this from me."
It wasn't about Hyukjae's stupid crush now.
--
It wasn't break-ups anymore. This was Donghae's longest relationship in years, and he refused to give up on her. So whenever they fought, Donghae came to him.
And because Hyukjae considered himself to be a good friend, he let him.
--
Tonight is bad. Donghae comes through the door silent and fuming, ignoring Kyuhyun's greeting in favor of bursting into Hyukjae's room. Startled, Hyukjae stares at the other man with wide eyes as he slowly kneels down to pick up his dropped shirt. He never gets to put it on because in the next minute, his back is on the bed and Donghae is kissing him furiously.
Kissing.
Hyukjae's eyes flutter shut. He's dreamed off what this would feel like, taking what he still remembers from the first time and turning it into something amazing, and it feels just like this. Just from this one kiss, Hyukjae's resolve shatters and he submits. They unwillingly break for air, and Hyukjae lets him breathe once, twice, before pulling him back down. Their chapped lips are wet and slip against each other, and the way Donghae's tongue abuses his makes time stop for him.
This time, Hyukjae thinks it's real. Donghae's hands are everywhere, running through his hair, dragging down his sides, tugging his sweats off. The sensations blur together so fast Hyukjae can't think coherently. It's simply one burst of desire after another. He places a long leg over Donghae's shoulder and watches him breathe in, tremble, and push. It's heaven, a rush of blood to his head. His groan falls onto deaf ears. All Donghae can focus on is the unbelievable heat of Hyukjae's body.
Donghae pulls out and slides back in just as slow, savoring the burn that comes with it. He drops his forehead onto Hyukjae's, the sweat from his hair dripping onto the red cheeks below him, their erratic pants mingling.
"Please," Hyukjae begs. Donghae laces his left hand with Hyukjae's right, grips the hips underneath him with the other, and complies. Neither last long.
The name Donghae screams is hers.
Hyukjae comes in pieces.
Hyukjae knows he shouldn't care because he's the one that willingly drew and signed the contract, but the him from years ago does.
Donghae collapses onto the bed next to him, their legs still entangled, their fingers still intertwined. For a while, all they can hear is each other's harsh gasps for air, creating a soothing melody of its own. Then Donghae turns his head and buries his nose in Hyukjae's hair, which gleams a dull maroon to him and smells strongly of fresh chemicals. Hyukjae hates that he has to blink to keep his eyes dry; he doesn't want to cry, but as usual, his body is stronger than his mind. When his head stops pounding, Hyukjae can hear Donghae murmuring "I'm sorry" over and over again into his neck until it dies away into soft breaths as he falls into sleep.
Hyukjae closes his eyes and prays that those words were meant for him.
Pairing: DONGHAE/EUNHYUK
Rating: R
Summary: MAYBE THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER AS WELL AS THEY THOUGHT.
It started off with a crush. Hyukjae was still a teenager, getting use to his final growth spurt, when he knocked into Donghae. They were both trainees then, but Hyukjae barely talked to Donghae. The younger boy seemed so cool, and Hyukjae, well, he was still trying to assert his identity into his dancing.
Donghae grinned and helped Hyukjae up. "Hey."
"Hey," Hyukjae replied belatedly.
"Um, yeah, I'll see you around."
Hyukjae was slightly troubled that through their brief exchanging of words, he found Donghae very charming.
--
Hyukjae was very happy to admit that he was in a not-really-a-relationship-but-getting-there with Donghae. They held hands, hugged, sat next to each other, but neither had formally asked each other out. Hyukjae figured it was because they didn't need to, that it was a taciturn understanding, until Donghae told him one night that he had a girlfriend.
When he wasn't genuinely happy for his friend, Hyukjae realized he had taken his silly crush too far.
--
After six months, Donghae broke up with her. Hyukjae was ecstatic, but he played the role of the sympathetic, comforting best friend well. Perhaps too well because that was the first night they became intimate. To this day, Hyukjae still can't remember what led to it. He remembered his reluctance withering away the second Donghae pleaded, "Please, I need it," hands sliding between their bodies unsurely, hesitation, Donghae's cheek pressed against his, and the guilt.
It was also the first time they kissed.
--
Donghae's new girlfriend was pretty and tall. Sungmin adored her, but then again, he loved all the girls he met. Hyukjae thought there was something misplaced about her cheeriness, but he didn't bring it up. He almost did, when Donghae collapsed on his bed and sighed dreamily, "I think I'm in love."
Hyukjae felt bile climbing up his throat. He swallowed. "You sure?"
"She's so sweet, and funny, and she's got this gorgeous smile. She makes me feel...special." He had a faraway look in his eyes. "She also told me that I was her first."
"She's lying," Hyukjae wanted to spit out; instead he smiled and said, "She's good for you."
Turned out it was one of the few things Hyukjae was right about. Donghae caught her cheating two weeks later. Hyukjae knew Donghae wasn't good with dealing with break-ups, so he wasn't surprised when Donghae broke out of the norm and dragged him to a bar. Donghae drank; Hyukjae didn't. If this was how he dealt, then fine. He sat by the other man and watched him down one drink after another. Kibum had certainly taught him how to handle his alcohol better.
When it looked like Donghae was going to pass out, Hyukjae pushed his final drink away and let him slump against his shoulder. They sat there for a while under the dim light, Hyukjae listening to the evening of Donghae's breathing.
"I like you," he confessed when he was sure Donghae had fallen asleep.
Donghae was still awake.
--
Donghae switched girlfriends so often it was like he was trying to prove something. Hyukjae had gotten use to his constant jealousy, and he didn't care anymore when Donghae told him he had a new one because Hyukjae knew she wasn't going to last long. It was terrible of him, but Hyukjae liked the angry break-ups the best because the worse the break-up, the harder Donghae fucked him.
--
Donghae came back from China with another girlfriend. She was Chinese, and Donghae loved her because she was trilingual. The only difference this time was Hyukjae also had a girl he liked. They had met at a music store (she had never heard of them). She was older than him, but she didn't treat him like a little brother. Hyukjae was confident things would work out now; his stupid crush would disappear, and he'd go back to normal and date girls.
He asked her out. She said yes. Donghae was dumped the same day.
Donghae came to him as usual, and Hyukjae panicked. This time he had a girlfriend, a girlfriend that he really liked.
"You can't keep doing this," he hissed, but Donghae ignored him and shoved him into the bathroom.
"Donghae!" he tried again. Donghae locked the door, gave him a heady stare, and in response his body began to shiver in anticipation. Shit. He wanted to tell Donghae that this wasn't the right way to deal with his relationships, that he had to talk it out, but the selfish part of him kept his mouth shut. Donghae took him bent over the sink, his face inches away from the mirror.
The next morning, Hyukjae guiltily told his girlfriend he made a mistake, didn't have time for her, and other impromptu excuses. She said she understood.
Donghae came out of Hyukjae's room smiling and hugged him.
She didn't deserve you.
Hyukjae wanted to punch him.
Fuck you.
--
Things fell into its old routine. Hyukjae forgot about her; Donghae went out with another girl. One thing Hyukjae was sure about was that Donghae was adept at hiding his relationships from the press and that he never took them too far for them to be serious. For that, Hyukjae was grateful. It made him feel better.
--
"I think I still like him," Hyukjae told Hankyung because Hankyung's the only one who wouldn't understand what he was talking about. The Chinese man gave him a confused look as if to ask, "Him?"
"I like girls," he answered, but Donghae was his one and only exception.
Hankyung merely nodded. On the ride home, Hyukjae thought about Donghae and his incredulous expressions and his smiles and his arms and- fuck.
--
Hyukjae felt like a lovesick teenaged girl again.
But thankfully, he kind of got over it.
--
"Hey, I'm your best friend, right?" Donghae asked him one day.
"Well," Hyukjae mused aloud jokingly, "there is Junsu. He's an idiot, but you are, too. Hmm, tough decision."
Donghae laughed and smacked his shoulder. "Okay, fine. You're my best friend."
"Okay." Hyukjae wasn't sure where Donghae was going with this. The other man leaned closer.
"We'll be best friends forever, right? Even when we're old and dying."
"Donghae, we're all going to be friends when we're old and dying. Why bother asking?"
"Just checking," Donghae chirped, linking his arm with Hyukjae's as they walked out of the company building.
During the day, it was always like this. During the night, it was a different story.
--
Donghae was unusually bright today, more jittery than usual as he paced around. Everyone pegged it down to nerves, finally being on the big stage in front of cameras and screaming fans again. Hyukjae suspected it wasn't just that because Donghae wouldn't stop fucking touching him. Hips, ears, neck, waist. Hyukjae would jump slightly, and Donghae would laugh and slip away.
Donghae was never this happy unless, well, there were two different reasons.
One, Donghae was the one that did the dumping.
Two, Donghae already found a new girlfriend.
And three, well, three was wishful thinking, but Hyukjae hoped that--no,
focus, it would never happen, but still, Hyukjae hoped.
It's just your new hair, he told himself fervently. Everyone likes red on you.
(Except for Heechul, who had sniffed, "Copy cat."
Donghae grinned smugly and wrapped an arm around Hyukjae's shoulder. "I like it."
"As if your opinion matters."
It mattered to Hyukjae.)
But every time Donghae touched him during the show, it became harder and harder for Hyukjae to believe it was simply because of his hair. The burning sensation of Donghae's fingers lingered long after, but Hyukjae suppressed his reaction to them, blocked Donghae from his thoughts, and did what he was born to do. He wasn't going to let Donghae distract him from one of the most important days of his life.
--
The show was a huge success. The members spent almost an hour hugging and crying until the adrenaline and excitement wore off enough for them to quietly head to the showers. Hyukjae had never felt so wonderful; the overwhelming feeling that enveloped him during performances was indescribable, but if Hyukjae could put it into words, then it wouldn't be something special he could cherish. It was what he lived for.
The post-show high thrummed through him so strongly he didn't want to wash it away just yet, so he joined Donghae on the dressing room's couch and pulled a bottle of make-up remover toward him.
"Donghae-ah, wasn't that the best show ever? Your voice was really good, you know, I wish I could sing like you, or Yesung-hyung, or anyone better than me. I thought the show was really great. What about-" Hyukjae's next word trailed off pitifully, wiped away from his tongue when he felt Donghae brush a thumb just below the ends of his bangs. A warm feeling he thought he'd never experience again smacked him in the head and heated his cheeks before he could stop it.
"Sorry. There was still some confetti left." Donghae grinned sheepishly and dropped his hand back into his lap. "You were saying?"
-you? Stop it. Stop treating me like this. Stop making me like you. I'm your fucking friend.
--
Turned out it was their one year anniversary last night. Donghae had been out with his girlfriend for the entire day. Hyukjae was sitting between Shindong and Ryeowook, covered in a blanket, eyes glued to the television screen, when he came back.
"How'd you get in?" Shindong was the first to ask.
"Kyuhyun's key." Donghae shrugged and tugged Hyukjae up from his seat so they could sit by each other at the end of the couch. Hyukjae stared at the bruise-or maybe it was just a weird shadow-on Donghae's neck longer than he intended. Then, as if he knew, Donghae shifted, pulled up the collar of his shirt, and turned toward him. And if Donghae noticed that Hyukjae tried to casually lean against his side, he pretended not to. Instead, he whispered, "We should go out to Seoul at night sometime. Just the two of us. I hear it's magical," into his ear.
Hyukjae laughed and lightly shoved him. "Donghae, you got that from the commercial we did for China."
"So? You totally want to go. I know you do. You're always won over with the corny stuff."
"Shut up. I am not."
"Are, too."
"Am not. Go call your girlfriend or something and leave me alone."
"You basically admitted you are."
"Kids! we're getting to the good part," Shindong barked from his side of the couch. Donghae grinned smugly at Hyukjae and mouthed, "Tomorrow."
In Hyukjae's world, yesterday never happened. This was what he wanted, Hyukjae told himself. Just friends.
--
"I like you."
The silence stretched on forever. Hyukjae waited for an explanation, but when it never came, he stood up and stormed out of the room.
--
Why now?
--
"I meant what I said."
"Donghae." The words he had rehearsed for this confrontation were shaky coming out of his mouth. "No, you didn't. You're confused. Whenever she yells at you, you come to me for attention. It doesn't work like that."
"But I thought you liked me, too," Donghae whispered.
"I don't think that matters anymore. Don't use me anymore as a way to deal with them."
--
Hyukjae hated the part of him that caved in easily because of the "goodness of his heart." He also hated that he was fickle with his feelings. Or maybe Donghae just liked to play the ignorant and forgetful card too much.
Last time was supposed to be the last time, but it was Donghae's hand that brought him to completion today.
The reason?
Donghae lost his girlfriend's mother's ring.
"Please, just understand. Don't take this from me."
It wasn't about Hyukjae's stupid crush now.
--
It wasn't break-ups anymore. This was Donghae's longest relationship in years, and he refused to give up on her. So whenever they fought, Donghae came to him.
And because Hyukjae considered himself to be a good friend, he let him.
--
Tonight is bad. Donghae comes through the door silent and fuming, ignoring Kyuhyun's greeting in favor of bursting into Hyukjae's room. Startled, Hyukjae stares at the other man with wide eyes as he slowly kneels down to pick up his dropped shirt. He never gets to put it on because in the next minute, his back is on the bed and Donghae is kissing him furiously.
Kissing.
Hyukjae's eyes flutter shut. He's dreamed off what this would feel like, taking what he still remembers from the first time and turning it into something amazing, and it feels just like this. Just from this one kiss, Hyukjae's resolve shatters and he submits. They unwillingly break for air, and Hyukjae lets him breathe once, twice, before pulling him back down. Their chapped lips are wet and slip against each other, and the way Donghae's tongue abuses his makes time stop for him.
This time, Hyukjae thinks it's real. Donghae's hands are everywhere, running through his hair, dragging down his sides, tugging his sweats off. The sensations blur together so fast Hyukjae can't think coherently. It's simply one burst of desire after another. He places a long leg over Donghae's shoulder and watches him breathe in, tremble, and push. It's heaven, a rush of blood to his head. His groan falls onto deaf ears. All Donghae can focus on is the unbelievable heat of Hyukjae's body.
Donghae pulls out and slides back in just as slow, savoring the burn that comes with it. He drops his forehead onto Hyukjae's, the sweat from his hair dripping onto the red cheeks below him, their erratic pants mingling.
"Please," Hyukjae begs. Donghae laces his left hand with Hyukjae's right, grips the hips underneath him with the other, and complies. Neither last long.
The name Donghae screams is hers.
Hyukjae comes in pieces.
Hyukjae knows he shouldn't care because he's the one that willingly drew and signed the contract, but the him from years ago does.
Donghae collapses onto the bed next to him, their legs still entangled, their fingers still intertwined. For a while, all they can hear is each other's harsh gasps for air, creating a soothing melody of its own. Then Donghae turns his head and buries his nose in Hyukjae's hair, which gleams a dull maroon to him and smells strongly of fresh chemicals. Hyukjae hates that he has to blink to keep his eyes dry; he doesn't want to cry, but as usual, his body is stronger than his mind. When his head stops pounding, Hyukjae can hear Donghae murmuring "I'm sorry" over and over again into his neck until it dies away into soft breaths as he falls into sleep.
Hyukjae closes his eyes and prays that those words were meant for him.