BUILDING STONE ANCHORS//HAEHYUK

Aug 01, 2009 11:36

READ: read 'smashing glass bridges' (above) first, and if you really need more angst, then read this.

BUILDING STONE ANCHORS
Donghae/Hyukjae, Rated R, Drama, 3000+
Notes: Smashing Glass Bridges practically wrote itself. This one, not so much. I HATE this, but school starts next week so I just wanted to get this out as fast as I could.



Donghae felt like a little kid every time Hyukjae passed by him because he was always tempted to tug on the long blond strands that just hung there. A little boy pulling a little girl's pigtails on the playground, that's what it felt like, but Donghae couldn't pinpoint what the feeling was.

--

Donghae realized what it was after the first time Hyukjae smiled for him, and for him only. It suddenly made sense, why he spent hours browsing through pictures they had taken together, why he couldn't help but to bother the other boy. Hyukjae's body, Donghae thought, was ideal: a skinny figure that disguised lean muscles of a trained dancer. But the hair, the unflattering hair had to go. Donghae liked Hyukjae when his hair was damp, when it would frame his cheeks just right and the long blond strands dried into loose waves.

The feeling scared him.

--

Luckily, it was just a phase.

Her name was Jeemin. She was an old classmate of Donghae's, a crush that never really left him. She had the slight curves and the soft hair and the long legs. On top of that, Donghae stopped thinking about Hyukjae and started thinking about her. She was everything he dreamed about when he was younger, a balanced mix of fun and maturity, sexy and cute. Donghae put everything he had into his relationship with her and in return, he lost his virginity.

She could be the one, Donghae thought as she slept next to him.

He was in love.

--

Funny how "love" worked out in the end.

It hurt, knowing that seven months wouldn't turn into years. Donghae wasn't sure what he did wrong; Jeemin told him he "wasn't the one for her". What the hell did that mean? She was perfect, complimented him so well, and Donghae was sure there was no one out there like her. He thought about lamenting to Siwon, eating his favorite cake all day, (even considered) begging Jeemin to take him back, but instead he curled up on his bed with Hyukjae.

Donghae spent the afternoon with his head on Hyukjae's shoulder, talking tirelessly about all the poignant moments he shared with his ex. After a while, Hyukjae leaned away, forcing him to look up and meet his shy gaze.

"You can do better," Hyukjae murmured. "There are so many other," a falter, "girls out there and-"

Donghae didn't hear the rest of Hyukjae's obligatory post-breakup speech because his pink lips proved to be more comforting than his words.

"Donghae? Are you listening?"

Fuck, Hyukjae's neck was nice, too, when his head was turned toward him and tilted. It wasn't his fault, Donghae told himself later, when he fell forward and pressed his lips to Hyukjae's. He couldn't bear to close his eyes, not when Hyukjae's eyelashes fluttered and came away wet and clumped. A muffled gasp made him break away. "God, Hyukjae. I didn't mean to. I, just once, please, I need it." All the while, his hand traitorously wormed its way up Hyukjae's shirt.

"It's okay. I don't care. As long as it's you," Hyukjae breathed nervously and then sealed his words with another kiss.

--

It was a one time thing. It had to be a one time thing. Donghae couldn't bear the thought of losing what they had before it, and if there was even a chance he could lose Hyukjae, God, look what a silly girl did to him. Instead, he found a new girlfriend to take his mind off of Hyukjae, and it worked, until she broke up with him.

He was shaking when he knocked on Hyukjae's door, looking for reassurance. Hyukjae probably thought he was desperate when he pushed him onto the bed, but Donghae didn't care at this point, as long Hyukjae continued to push up against him like that. It pained Donghae a little, knowing that Hyukjae didn't know the real reason why but still let him do this because they were friends.

--

"I like you."

At least, that's what he thought he heard Hyukjae say. It was probably just wishful thinking. Donghae couldn't be sure about anything. His mind was playing tricks on him; it happened when people got drunk and were about to black out.

Donghae spent a day in bed, thinking over Hyukjae's supposed confession and the new girl that caught his eye. The answer should have been obvious, but Donghae was scared what would happen if he chose the wrong one, so he played it safe.

It was during times like these Donghae wished his father was still here. He was so confused.

--

He waited for a sign from Hyukjae, another "I like you" or even "Stay the fuck away from me," but neither came. Donghae knew this was wrong, but every time Hyukjae didn't push him away, it became harder for him to resist.

--

His new girlfriend was a transfer-student from America. He fell so fast for her he didn't have enough time to pick himself up before she left him.

He found comfort in being buried inside Hyukjae's body, the moans that ended with his name when he slammed back in, in the hope that someday he could have this every night.

--

Heejin, Hyunae, Meeyon, Chohee, Yilin, the list never stopped growing. Soon Donghae had a hard time matching a girl's face to her name and breakup. The only thing that remained constant was Hyukjae, and Donghae hated that because the point of having a girlfriend was to forget about him.

--

Going to China was simultaneously torture and a relief for Donghae. Every day in China was a day without Hyukjae, and it gave him time to wipe his thoughts clean. Hyukjae, Hyukjae soon turned into mei nu, mei nu. Now it was Tianwei that he called at night, and Donghae didn't mind that at all. She could say "I love you" in three different languages perfectly just like he could.

--

Returning to Korea was like being slapped in the face.

Oh, Hyukjae.

--

"Bye, I love you."

"You've got to be kidding me," Heechul stated, gracing Donghae an incredulous look when he hung up on his girlfriend.

"What?"

Heechul looked back down at his script. "You say that to every girl you date. I bet she'll dump you next week."

Donghae frowned. "Hey, hey, she could be the one. You never know."

Heechul merely glanced to his side coolly and scoffed. "Whatever you say, dongsaeng."

"What do you know about girls anyway," Donghae complained as he left the cafeteria.

--

A lot it turned out.

"Donghae, ah, I'm sorry. I'm moving to America. I don't have time for relationships anymore."

Donghae couldn't believe it. Again? "Baby, we can make this work. We don't have to call each other every day. It won't matter."

"I'm sorry. It's just not going to work. We can still keep in touch, but I think we should focus on our careers. Good luck."

"Tianwei, please! Don't do this to me. Wo ai-" Fuck.

He needed Hyukjae.

--

"Yeah, hyung, no problem. She's really pretty. I can't believe I have a girlfriend now. Donghae, what are you doing here? Sorry, hyung, I gotta go." Hyukjae turned to him with a worried frown and placed his phone down on a table. "Donghae, what's wrong?"

Donghae didn't answer. Girlfriend? Hyukjae had a fucking girlfriend? Jealousy Donghae didn't even know he was capable of feeling flared through him. How dare some girl think she could just- He pulled Hyukjae into the bathroom by the arm and slammed him against the door. Fucking girl.

"Donghae, what the hell!" Hyukjae yelled, but Donghae ignored him, mouthing possessively at Hyukjae's neck to shut the other man up, intent on leaving a mark, his hands tightening around his wrists enough to bruise.

--

Hyukjae broke up with his girlfriend the next morning.

Donghae couldn't hide how relieved he was.

She didn't deserve you. Can't you see that?

Donghae went through four girlfriends waiting for Hyukjae to forget about her.

Still, neither said anything.

--

Her name was Hyomi. Donghae was surprised they lasted even until they were recording for their new album, but he didn't tell her that. Instead, he said, "I love you so much," and kissed her.

--

Love.

Donghae hated that word. He "fell in love" with every girl at one point, and when he said, "I love you," he meant it. He remembered when he was little and "love" seemed tangible, he had asked his parents what it was. He had wrinkled his nose and said, "Ew," but now he wished it was as simple as they made it out to be.

--

Hyukjae was different when they revealed their new looks for the fans. Donghae, try as he might, couldn't look away. He remembered back when Hyukjae had blond hair and how horrible that looked and comparing it to now Donghae hadn't fully realize how far they had come. Hyukjae's new haircut accented everything Donghae, and the fans, liked.

Donghae wondered if Hyukjae found him handsome, too.

--

As Donghae waited for his scene to be shot, he looked around the dimly lit set and being the closet romantic he was-it was what won the girls over-his imagination couldn't help but think that this place would be perfect for a date.

He could see Hyukjae and him walk past where Kangin sat, enjoy dinner at the cafe Shindong walked out of, pick up the flowers Ryeowook had dropped, and stand in the middle of the crossroads, leaning their foreheads together, Hyukjae pulling him closer by his collar, and then they'd-

"Donghae-sshi!"

Donghae broke out of his daze and nearly fell out of his chair.

"We're going to see if we can fit in some dancing. Come on!"

And maybe he and Hyukjae could race along the sidewalks.

--

When Donghae filmed the close-ups for his lines, he thought of Hyukjae the entire time.

"Good, Donghae-sshi, perfect expression. You're a natural. We're done."

Something in Donghae's chest ached.

Why did it have to be you?

--

"Yah! You haven't called me in weeks, oppa."

"Sorry, Hyomi. I've been so busy with performances. I'll do better."

"I'm not mad. I saw you up on stage! You're so handsome. I really like the new song."

"Ha, thanks. Anyway, I have a schedule today so...I'll call you later, promise. Love you."

Why couldn't it have been you?

--

It was hard to stay focused up on the stage, under the lights, behind Hyukjae, in front of the never-ending sea of fans, but Donghae sang his lungs hoarse and danced his muscles sore and weary. This rush of joy like nothing could stop him, he knew would never leave him. Maybe this was what love felt like.

--

"Can you believe one year?" Donghae breathed against her lips. She simply smiled, her pink lips complimenting her rosy cheeks.

"I can. I know we'll last much longer than that. Maybe forever."

Donghae laughed softly. "Forever? I'd like that."

By now, he knew stupid words like that never ended up being true, but Donghae was good at fooling himself.

--

Hyukjae protested that he was tired after a long day with Leeteuk, but Donghae wasn't having it. They were going out at night just like he planned. Hyukjae finally pushed Donghae out of his room, dressed in a pair of splashed jeans and a simple shirt, topped off with a beanie.

"We match," Donghae noted with delight.

"Donghae, it's already nine. It's too late to go out," Hyukjae whined.

"You promised me last night," he said adamantly, dragging the other man out of the dorms.

"I didn't promise you anything! All you did was make fun of me!"

"Come on, would you rather spend the night with Kyuhyun and his games or with me?" Donghae smiled hopefully as they left the building, the sudden gush of warm air making them both grimace. Please pick me, please pick me, he prayed when he saw Hyukjae glance up at the dorm windows.

"Well, I don't want to walk all the way back up there," Hyukjae said slowly. Yes! Donghae took his hand, leading him across the street in search of a taxi.

"It's okay. If you get tired, I'll just carry you on my back."

Hyukjae's laugh made him happier than any girlfriend had.

--

"Oh, here! You've got to try this."

"BoBo's Tea Shop," he heard Hyukjae read dubiously as he pushed open the door.

"Hankyung-hyung bought all of us milk tea when we dropped by Hong Kong. It's a lot better than Korea's, and the sign says it's from China. Trust me, it'll taste different. I think BoBo's a group in China though. I'm not sure. What?"

Hyukjae's cough interrupted him. Donghae turned away from the menus to look at him in confusion. Hyukjae merely pointed past them, where the girl at the register was waiting for their order impatiently. Donghae let out an understanding "ahh."

"One zhenzhu-" Donghae shook his head and smiled sheepishly at the girl. "Sorry, one pearl milk tea and one strawberry milk tea."

"Strawberry milk tea?" Hyukjae asked him when he handed him his drink.

"It's like strawberry milk, except with tea," Donghae replied as they stepped out onto the streets again. "Try it. I liked it."

He waited until Hyukjae took a hesitant sip at it before opening his own tea. Hyukjae pulled away with a weird look on his face.

"I think I'll stick to milk," he declared. Donghae chortled around his straw.

"Just drink it. Come on. I've got more to show you."

Donghae couldn't keep the smile off his face when he noticed Hyukjae, despite his complaint, quietly downed the drink in a matter of minutes. They spent the rest of the night wandering around the streets of Seoul, peeking through windows of closed stores, admiring the city lights, enjoying the crowds and little attractions they came across. The entire time, he never let go of Hyukjae's hand.

(And he never ever wanted to).

--

Donghae couldn't stand it anymore. Every night he thought about Hyukjae and his smile and his back and his-fuck.

--

"Just tell him. What's the worst that could happen?"

"Pfft, what do you think? And how do you know about this? Nobody else does."

Kibum shrugged before slipping his headphones on. "I thought it was really obvious."

--

"I like you."

It took weeks of insomnia and fights for Donghae to finally confront that feeling and confess. The last thing he expected was Hyukjae to wordlessly stalk out of the room and slam the door, leaving him in the silence and cold.

Fuck, what was this feeling?

--

People always did tell him he was oblivious and clueless.

--

"I don't want to fucking hear it, Donghae. Go back to your girlfriend."

"I meant what I said."

"Donghae." Hyukjae's voice shook with barely controlled anger. "No, you didn't. You're confused. Whenever she yells at you, you come to me for attention. It doesn't work like that."

"But I thought you liked me, too." It was the only thought Donghae could properly piece together on his tongue.

The look Hyukjae gave him was scathing. "I don't think that matters anymore. Don't use me anymore as a way to deal with them."

If Hyukjae only knew they were how Donghae dealt with him.

--

Donghae couldn't stay away.

He had to try and show Hyukjae he needed this, the legs wrapped around his waist, the bruising grip on his shoulders and arms, the heat that enveloped him. He wanted to kiss Hyukjae, but he knew if he did, he wouldn't be able to go back, so he settled for pressing his lips to the dip in Hyukjae's collarbone.

"Please, just understand. Don't take this from me."

If he couldn't have Hyukjae, then at least he could keep this.

--

"You could at least call me to tell me you couldn't show up. This is the third fucking date you've missed!"

"I'm trying my best! Things are just really busy for me now. I always make it up to you though. I'll take you out tomorrow. Promise."

"You better keep your promises from now on. If you keep this up, we're through!"

"Please, just hold out a while longer! We're almost done with our performances. I came to see you tonight, didn't I?"

"I know. I know. It's just, I don't know. Sometimes I think you have someone else. It's so stupid of me, but you just never have the time to call me or see me."

"Baby, don't think like that. I love you."

"Really? Because it feels like you don't love me like you used to."

"Hyomi, don't be-"

"Fuck off, Donghae, you never-"

--

Donghae kissed Hyukjae that night to convince himself he felt nothing.

--

Donghae slowly sat up and was greeted with a sight he wanted to wake up to every morning. Hyukjae was shifting through his closet, back facing him, a pair of jeans sitting low on his hips. As Hyukjae struggled into a shirt, Donghae found a damp towel draped over the end of the bed-Hyukjae's most likely because his hair was dark again, wet-and wrapped it around himself as he stood up in search of his clothes.

"You look good in blue," he said, unable to find anything else to say other than, "Can we just forget what happened last night?" Hyukjae's back was still turned to him, but the way he ducked his head, Donghae knew he was blushing.

He managed to pull his boxers on before Hyukjae handed him a folded shirt. "Here."

Donghae slipped the shirt on. He was surprised to see that it was a favorite shirt of his (it said "fish are friends, not food") that he thought he had lost and wondered how many other shirts he had left in Hyukjae's possession by accident.

Hyukjae finally looked at him with a weak smile. "You look good in blue, too."

--

He tried to say he was sorry.

Hyukjae told him he had nothing to be sorry about.

If only it was that easy of a routine to break out of.

--

Donghae wished he hadn't been so scared all those years ago.

--

They sit in the large bathroom together shoulder to shoulder, staring at their reflections. Hyukjae's hair is wet and drips water; Donghae is blow-drying half of his hair and using a towel on the other side. Satisfied, he sets them down and picks up a small brush and dips it into the pale yellow mixture lying in a box near the sink. Hyukjae looks down at where some of the dye has landed on the floor with an apprehensive expression. Donghae steps behind him and combs his fingers through Hyukjae's hair once, twice before using two to separate a chunk in the front.

"This good?"

"Yeah."

Donghae's thigh is pressed up along Hyukjae's back, and the warmth that seeps through his jeans floods his body and makes him shiver. Both of them are visibly nervous, but there's no reason for them to be. Hyukjae closes his eyes as he runs the brush gently down the strands he's chosen. For a while, it's just them breathing and occasionally catching each other's gazes in the mirror. Then Donghae lets the sticky clump fall and divides another section of hair. Donghae's heart beats like crazy when Hyukjae shifts and looks up at him.

"Why blond?"

Donghae considers replying, "Because it's better than copying a cartoon character's color," but he doesn't want to ruin the rare peace and quiet between them. He considers jumping off the train wreck he and Hyukjae are riding and say "I like you," but last time he tried, he ended in the same spot he had thrown himself from. Maybe he'll give it another go when it's just him and Hyukjae again (and all the girlfriends are gone). For now, Donghae swallows in all the regrets that threaten to spill out.

"It brings back good memories."

So we can pretend to start over from the beginning, when the only problem I had was your annoying long blond hair.

character: donghae, character: eunhyuk

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