(no subject)
I am so convinced that I am a lesbian. And it doesn't really matter whether or not I am. It's just...weird. I was brought up to believe they were sinners. Told that, forced to believe that for at least 10 years. For over half my life. And now, to be one. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to do something my gut is against but my heart is for? People my age get turned on by something or someone. I get turned on, well, by females. Of course, 'tis why I think I am lesbian. Guys do nothing. Yet, in the back of my mind, it just seems wrong. Just the way I was raised.
For example. Juli. I love her. She just makes me so grand. So free. I love the feeling. But sometimes I hesitate before I reach for her hand, or wrap my arm around her waist, or lean in for a kiss. I want to, every nerve in my body is telling me to. But there is just this little thing holding me back. It's like the huge elephant that is tied to the tiny little pole. He was taught one thing as a little elephant, and he just follows it. I am that elephant. Maybe I should try Ashley's subconsious mind trick. Tell myself that it is ok to be a lesbian every night for 3 weeks. I hope it works. I really do. I don't want to lose my Juli. Not to something dumb like this. Like my past.
At times I just feel so lost. I just wish it could be just a tad bit easier. Just a little bit. 'Tis all I ask.
Why is homosexuality such a crime? I know, I really OBSESS over it. But I just think it is so unfair. We cannot do something that "normal" people can? Or we can, but it isn't accepted. It is "wrong." Why are we not allowed to make ourselves happy? Why does it bother people so much? I mean, look around. Look at all the heterosexual couples. How they grope each other, dry hump each other, practically have sex with each other...right in public too. Then look at homosexuals. How many of them do you see doing anything? How many do you even see? Sure, they hold hands or kiss in public. But they are not all over each other(or if they are, it is extremely rare, I haven't witnessed it, 'cept at the gay prom...but besides that...). Maybe that, as well, is why I think heterosexuals are a tad more gross. To be able to practically fuck each other in plain view. That is considered ok? Why is this not making sence to me?
*shakes head*
What ever happened to the inocence? Or to at least appear innocent? What happens out of the publics view, I could care less about. But when I, or others can see it, please. Decency. I have respected people...for the most part. Or I am trying now. And it's working. I don't grope my girlfriend for all to see. I don't do anything like that. And I don't plan on being a show for anyone. What we do, well, I really don't want an audience.
Which reminds me of my view on most relationships I witness. Or what I think of them. They seem to be for show or for sex. For show, people wear all this crap to make them look better, while trying to claim the gorgeous guy out there. And refuse to take the half-decent looking one. Those for sex could care less what the person looks like, they just take 'em, bang 'em, leave them at the curb, and tell all the details. Then, well, those relationships that don't revolve around sex. That don't revolve around looking best. That have a lot of conversating. Those relationships get looked at as weird. As just friendships, as some would put it. "no sex, no relationship." Geeze! What went wrong. I just...I hate what the people all around us have turned into, and are continuing to turn into.
These people will run the country one day.
*frowns with a single tear*
When will it get better?