One in four
You know, the world is full of folks living day-to-day just... existing. They are the ignorant, the stupid, the assholes. There was never enough education, or their wires are just crossed.
Most days I know they're there, and I can console myself that I climbed out of that ignorant existence myself and got at the very least a secondary education. And I've found some online friends who have taught me much about critical thinking, debating, and agreeing to disagree.
But for some reason (perhaps it was that big smack I took on the head in a bike wreck when I was 14) there comes a day once in a while where I slip back to that state of mind. On average, about every fourth day I'm only 75% of myself. I usually know it as soon as I wake up, but being that way, it's not always easy to keep tabs on it and keep it from affecting my day. Most times I'm just lucky and nothing confronts me to trigger irrational, sometimes ignorant behavior, but every once in a blue moon things conspire. The day will be hazy (not subconscious-hazy, just slow), it's raining or something, and one of the world's resident fools crosses my path.
At this point, if I'm conscious of my 75%-ness, I can talk myself down. But every once in a while when this rare aligning of the planets coincides with my not being consciously aware of my place on this particular day, I allow these space-occupying wastes of humanity to bring me to their level.
I fight with this self-awareness every day. In the years following the bike accident, I didn't know what was happening. Suddenly my razor-sharp intelligence was failing me, and it affected my school work as well as my entry into the world (ala jobs, relationships, impending adulthood).
Fortunately I had a strong upbringing, and my dad instilled a strong work ethic in me. My mom was always there for anything, even when I got into trouble and my dad threatened to toss me out (which eventually happened, for my own good).
There were jobs, but I couldn't stay in one for long. If I wasn't getting laid off, I was changing jobs for a few bucks a week. I think that says more about the jobs I was in than it does my work ethic, because I always got good reviews and references.
But it's all good now. I kept working even though it seemed I'd never get out of poverty. Then I decided to do something. I went back to school. Best thing I ever did. It opened my mind, back to where it was when I was 14 (and before). It led to connections and friendships that are still building today.
With these friendships and an education, the brain started firing on all cylinders again. It's only relatively recently I've figured out what that bike accident did to stunt my growth. It's a constant fight to tell myself that I'm no longer one of those worthless blobs of humanity out there just skating by wasting oxygen. Some of those damn fools get lucky. They marry well, win the lottery, get good jobs despite themselves.
But today I had a run-in with one of them. I let myself get worked up over what was nothing, and I realize now it was one of those days my self-awareness wasn't sharp, and the coincidence of crossing paths with a useless blob of oxygen-sucking flesh just happened to occur on a rainy day when my mind was numb. For a brief moment, many instances of past irrationality flashed before me and for whatever reason, I felt I needed to outdo them all.
Fortunately, no harm, no foul. We went our separate ways with no incident except his success in temporarily pulling me down to his sub-human level, thereby leaving doubt in my mind as to how I could ever master this level of consciousness I need to attain.
In my pre-accident Catholic upbringing, this would have been considered a Test. I capitalize that, since that term is embedded in my mind, and can be attributed to my Mom and the influences she placed me under (school, church, nuns and relatives) as a child.
In my present state of increasing awareness and (admittedly still nascent) critical thinking, I know it has nothing to do with angels nor Satan, and everything to do with simple human interaction.
It's just that one day in four that really tests my being. Most times I can handle it, thus increasing confidence. But just one day like today the trolls of the world get to me.
Now I gotta spend the next couple weeks working harder to put today out of my mind.
Most days I know they're there, and I can console myself that I climbed out of that ignorant existence myself and got at the very least a secondary education. And I've found some online friends who have taught me much about critical thinking, debating, and agreeing to disagree.
But for some reason (perhaps it was that big smack I took on the head in a bike wreck when I was 14) there comes a day once in a while where I slip back to that state of mind. On average, about every fourth day I'm only 75% of myself. I usually know it as soon as I wake up, but being that way, it's not always easy to keep tabs on it and keep it from affecting my day. Most times I'm just lucky and nothing confronts me to trigger irrational, sometimes ignorant behavior, but every once in a blue moon things conspire. The day will be hazy (not subconscious-hazy, just slow), it's raining or something, and one of the world's resident fools crosses my path.
At this point, if I'm conscious of my 75%-ness, I can talk myself down. But every once in a while when this rare aligning of the planets coincides with my not being consciously aware of my place on this particular day, I allow these space-occupying wastes of humanity to bring me to their level.
I fight with this self-awareness every day. In the years following the bike accident, I didn't know what was happening. Suddenly my razor-sharp intelligence was failing me, and it affected my school work as well as my entry into the world (ala jobs, relationships, impending adulthood).
Fortunately I had a strong upbringing, and my dad instilled a strong work ethic in me. My mom was always there for anything, even when I got into trouble and my dad threatened to toss me out (which eventually happened, for my own good).
There were jobs, but I couldn't stay in one for long. If I wasn't getting laid off, I was changing jobs for a few bucks a week. I think that says more about the jobs I was in than it does my work ethic, because I always got good reviews and references.
But it's all good now. I kept working even though it seemed I'd never get out of poverty. Then I decided to do something. I went back to school. Best thing I ever did. It opened my mind, back to where it was when I was 14 (and before). It led to connections and friendships that are still building today.
With these friendships and an education, the brain started firing on all cylinders again. It's only relatively recently I've figured out what that bike accident did to stunt my growth. It's a constant fight to tell myself that I'm no longer one of those worthless blobs of humanity out there just skating by wasting oxygen. Some of those damn fools get lucky. They marry well, win the lottery, get good jobs despite themselves.
But today I had a run-in with one of them. I let myself get worked up over what was nothing, and I realize now it was one of those days my self-awareness wasn't sharp, and the coincidence of crossing paths with a useless blob of oxygen-sucking flesh just happened to occur on a rainy day when my mind was numb. For a brief moment, many instances of past irrationality flashed before me and for whatever reason, I felt I needed to outdo them all.
Fortunately, no harm, no foul. We went our separate ways with no incident except his success in temporarily pulling me down to his sub-human level, thereby leaving doubt in my mind as to how I could ever master this level of consciousness I need to attain.
In my pre-accident Catholic upbringing, this would have been considered a Test. I capitalize that, since that term is embedded in my mind, and can be attributed to my Mom and the influences she placed me under (school, church, nuns and relatives) as a child.
In my present state of increasing awareness and (admittedly still nascent) critical thinking, I know it has nothing to do with angels nor Satan, and everything to do with simple human interaction.
It's just that one day in four that really tests my being. Most times I can handle it, thus increasing confidence. But just one day like today the trolls of the world get to me.
Now I gotta spend the next couple weeks working harder to put today out of my mind.