Fic: Do I Dare Disturb the Universe? Chapter 17: An Overwhelming Question (part 1 of 2)

[frkmgnt1]

“…Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question...
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
-T.S. Eliot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

“There are horrors beyond life's edge that we do not suspect, and once in a while man's evil prying calls them just within our range.”
― H.P. Lovecraft, The Thing on the Doorstep

Chapter 17
An Overwhelming Question

Prelude
no great matter


Location: New Eden Outskirts

“Sir, are you sure about that order?”

“Our job is to follow orders, not question them. If the Council wants him released, then we release him.”

“Shouldn’t we find out-?”

“Do you want to be looking for a new way to feed your family? Look, we’ve got a good gig here. Feed and water the prisoners. Make sure that they’re where they’re supposed to be. And follow the orders of the Council, since they hand down the sentences. It’s not our place to play judge or jury. We’re the jailors. And apparently, this guy don’t need jailing no more. The end.”

“Well, shit rolls downhill, and I’m at the fucking bottom. And I’m telling you right now: if I’m up to my neck in shit, I ain’t gonna be the only one lookin’ for a shovel.”

Part I
we have lingered in the chambers…

Lightning spends hours floating just beneath the surface of consciousness, aware enough to feel the warm puffs of Snow’s exhalations against the nape of her neck, the weight of his elbow resting on the curve of her hip, and the wide of expanse of his chest pressed flush to her back, but not awake enough to feel obligated to climb out of her bed and start her day. It’s only Snow snuffling, shifting then stretching that pulls her close enough to consciousness for her body’s needs to sound off.

Priority number one: she has to pee, now. She’s also parched and famished. Lightning hasn’t eaten much over the past two weeks, and she definitely needs water after the sweat she worked up last night. Grumbling, she tears herself away from the warm sheets, and even warmer body within them.

“Where you goin’?” Snow slurs, reaching for her; she closes the bathroom door in answer. After dealing with her bladder, Lightning takes the opportunity to brush the morning breath out of her mouth and wash up a bit before snatching a bathrobe off the hook. She casts a long, lingering look at the shower, and almost gives into her urge when her stomach growls out a loud protest.

Snow is sitting on the edge of the bed when she exits the bathroom, jeans on, zipped but unbuttoned. He looks wary, and she’s not sure why or what she’s supposed to say to make him less tense. He disappears into the bathroom before she figures it out, and she hurls herself onto the bed and screams into a pillow in frustration.

What the fuck is happening? Can’t anything be not a giant, awkward mess? They’d spent hours touching and tasting every part of each other last night, but now that the sun is up, they’re back to tentative glances and stilted words?

Why?

She decides that she’s just going to act normal. Or, an approximation of normal. Whatever it is that passes for normal after someone has given you multiple orgasms, multiple times, over many, many, many hours.

So…not normal, then.

She’s so bad at this. She knew that, but the reminder still sucks. Risking her life? No problem. Killing things? Sure thing. Soft, tender conversations about feelings? Check please!

Snow sits beside her and lays a hand on her back. “You okay?” He jumps back with a “Woah,” when she springs up to a sitting position.

“Fine,” she lies. “You?”

“Uh, yeah. Okay. Great.” God, they’re being stupid again. How is that a thing right now?

Lightning gets up and starts to stalk to the kitchen before she whips around and says: “So, I was wondering-“

“All right, let’s do this,” Snow says, rolling his head from shoulder to shoulder, like he’s limbering up for fistfight. Are they fighting now? God, how did that happen?

How did she fuck up this badly? All she did was go to the bathroom!

“What?” She asks, lost without a map.

“It had to come up at some point.” It did? What did? “It’s about that time, right? Time for the misery and guilt part of the program?” Oh. Oh! Now she gets it. “You know: ‘This was wrong. It can’t happen again. Go home, Snow.’ Then you run off somewhere, and I have to track you half-way across the planet. I mean, I’m not sure where you’re going this time. I hear Cocoon has some real estate available. Or maybe you’ll just head back to Oerba, and the two of us can just trek back and forth across the most dangerous parts of Gran Pulse, over and over until we’re both dead. That sounds perfect, actually. Like exactly what you might do to punish yourself for wanting me. Oh, and punish me too, of course, because when you hurt you, you hurt me.”

“But I hate to break it to you, Light,” he continues, before she can respond. She snaps her mouth shut and just…lets him get it all out. It’s obvious that he has a lot he needs to say to her right now. “I’m just not up for it. I would. I’m not letting you just run away from me again. If you want to get rid of me, you’re going to have to say it to my face. We both know that you’d rather light yourself on fire than do something as awful as discuss your feelings, right?” he laughs at his own joke. She folds her arms, waiting for him to finish. Assuming he ever will. “But physically, I’m not up for it. So, can we just have it out right now, instead?”

Wow. He’s been sitting on that for a good long while. Lightning stares at him for a long moment, waiting to see if he has anything to add, before finishing the statement that kicked off his rant: “So I was wondering what you wanted for breakfast.”

Snow stares at her, mouth hanging open. She smiles at him, and presses his chin up to close his mouth, then plants a soft kiss on his lips. He cups her face, deepens the kiss, before breaking away and saying, “All I want is you.”

Something in her belly flutters at the soft, sweet sentiment. “You have me, but you need to eat.” His eyes light up, smirk turning lascivious, before he pulls her down and rolls her beneath him.

“Oh, I’ll eat plenty.”

So much for breakfast.

Part II
the taking of a toast and tea

Come lunchtime, Lightning’s stomach refuses to be ignored. Snow grumbles, but joins her in the kitchen to scrounge up some sort of food once she declares that she’s done with sex until she’s fed.

“So, apparently, these assholes have a secondary base outside the Paddrean Archeopolis,” Snow tells her, between bites of his sandwich.

“Wait, what? How do you know that?”

“What do you mean? I interrogated Evil Henchman Number Two. Wasn't that the whole reason you didn't want me to kill that fucker?”

Kill that fu-? The prisoner? “Yeah, of course, I wanted to interrogate the prisoner.” Then, because she just can’t not ask him: “Evil Henchman number two? Who's Evil Henchman number one?”

“Huh? I don’t know! Who cares? I'm calling him number two because, you know, he's a piece of shit.”

Of course, she thinks, rolling her eyes to heaven. “Obviously. I should have realized,” she deadpans.

“Yeah, Girl. You should have.”

“Okay, fine. But when did you interrogate…Evil Henchman number two.” She feels ridiculous saying that out loud, and by the smirk on Snow’s face, she sounds just as ridiculous. “That’s my question.”

“Yesterday. No, now two days ago. The day after we got out of the infirmary.  Sazh was concerned that the colonists would execute the guy before we had a chance to interrogate him, so he and I headed over to the prison. He figured having me around might make it harder for them to refuse our interview request.” Snow cracks his knuckles to emphasize exactly why he might be more difficult to refuse.

As if Sazh couldn’t just point a gun at them, Lightning thinks. “I just-“

“What? You don't think I can be intimidating?” Snow pouts at her in faux outrage.

“No. I mean, of course, I know you can be intimidating, Snow. You're huge. And strong. And really, really loud-“

“Uh, thanks, I think?”

“And annoying.

“Okay, you can stop now.”

“But that’s not-“

“What's the issue, Light? Are you mad that we didn't tell you we were going?”

"No." Except, yeah, she kind of is, but she didn't even know she was supposed to be mad, because she had no idea that they went.

"Blame me. Sazh was going to get you, but I didn't want you to have to deal with that guy and his bullshit anymore.”

Okay, she gets that. That's a very Snow thing for him to do. Completely disregard what she might want in order to protect her feelings. She'll be angry at him later, if she remembers. Right now, she's too busy reassessing everything she thought she knew about the past few days.

“What is it?” Snow is starting to look and sound very concerned.

Okay. Truth time. This is going to suck out loud. “I mean, I noticed that you'd disappeared.”

“Disappear- what the hell are you talking about 'disappeared’?”

“I mean, I knew I didn't see you…” she trails off, unwilling to say what she’d actually thought. She isn’t sure if he’s going to be angry or hurt, but she’s pretty sure it’ll be one of them.

“Right? Sazh and I had to go to the prison, which is an hour away in the Snow Kat. Then we had to be debriefed by the assholes in charge of the prison. Seriously, I didn’t like them much more than I like Evil Henchman Number two,” Snow makes a noise of disgust in the back of his throat. “And it was late when I got back, and not for nothin’, but I'm still not fully recovered from what those fuckers did to me.”

For a moment, her mind goes somewhere it shouldn’t and she thinks: if this is what he’s like when he’s still on the injured list, I may never make it out of bed ever again. Hell, I may never walk right again.

“No, I get it. I just-“, have no idea what to say right now.

“Where did you think I went, Light?”

“I didn't know. I just knew that I hadn't seen you.”

“What, did you assume that I was just avoiding you?”

And there it is. Let the fun begin.

“That's it, isn't it?” He looks outraged, with a side order of pensive. “You know, that explains so much of what you said to me when I showed up last night. You thought that I was avoiding you, and when I showed up and said what I said, it sounded like I just confirmed what you’d already thought. Right?”

“Something like that.”

“I mean I get where the misunderstanding came from, but what I don’t get is why you thought I’d be avoiding you in the first place.”

“It’s not like it’s unthinkable that you might change your mind, Snow.”

“Yes, it is. Or, it should have been. I mean, I told you in every way I know how that I love you and that I would do anything for you, including just flat out saying those words, over and over again. That's not going to suddenly stop being true because we're in New Eden instead of Oerba, or that fucking camp.”

Lightning gets up from the table, picking up her dish to wash. She needs something to do with her hands, or she’s going to fidget. She hates fidgeting.

“Hey wait, come here. No, come over here." He holds out a hand to her. She sighs, puts her dish down, and takes his hand, letting him haul her into the chair beside him. "I'm not angry at you,” he says, like he’s a goddamn mind reader. “I'm not even really confused. It makes sense, in a Lightning sort of way.”

"Gee, thanks." He laughs at her.

"No, seriously. You always make everything more complicated than it needs to be. You overthink everything. You know, except when you don't think at all, like when you charge out into a blizzard to march across the most dangerous territory on the planet. But let's just leave that shit out of this conversation for right now. We still have to have words about all that fuckery."

"No, we don't," she insists. Lightning knows everything Snow is going to say to her; Snow already knows all her justifications. Hashing it out is only going to lead to an argument.

"No, yeah. We do. But not right now. My point is, I know that you always assume the worst possible thing when it's about yourself. I know that about you. What I don't know is why, but I figure, I've got the rest of my life to work it out. So, I guess until then, I'm just going to keep saying things over and over again until you trust that you can believe them.”

“I do trust you, Snow.”

“Yeah, sure. You trust me to have your back. You trust me with your life. But apparently, you don’t trust me enough to believe that I’m serious when I say I love you.”

"It's not that I don't think you're serious. It's just…“ She doesn’t know what to say to him. How can she say ‘what the hell is wrong with you? Why would you choose me over my sister?’ without that turning into a whole after school special about low self-esteem?

"Just?"

"Never mind."

"No. I don't want to 'never mind.' How can I make you believe me?”

“I already said I do believe you.”

"We're going in circles. You don't believe me. You thought I was avoiding you because I’d decided I didn’t want you. That’s not you believing me. That’s the opposite of believing me, actually.”

"I do. I will. Can we talk about the more important thing?"

"This is the more important thing, Lightning. You are more important. You believing me is more important. I don't want you thinking I'm avoiding you for no fucking reason. When have I ever avoided you?"

"You didn't." I avoid you, she thinks. That's how she handles uncomfortable situations. Snow deals with them head on. She should've thought of that, but she didn't. She was too busy preparing to be hurt to realize that she was projecting. Snow would never avoid a confrontation with her. He'd track her ass down.

Like he did when he showed up at her house in the middle of the night; like he did when he followed her across the Steppe.

Like he did last night. Again.

"So, you're not going to tell me what the hell you were thinking until we talk about the other camp? Really?"

No. Not really. Not even then, actually, is what she doesn’t say.

"They’re a threat! And the fact that there’s another camp means that they’re an active threat. We have to go after them. We have to warn everyone. Oh my God, we have to warn Serah and your merry band of-“, he raises an eyebrow at her. "Your friends." She laces the word with so much sarcasm that she may as well have called them morons.

Snow snorts at her. "What is your problem with them?"

"They're idiots."

"That's not nice."

"I'm not nice."

He hums, unwilling to agree or disagree with her, proving once again that he’s not the dumbass everyone thinks he is. "Fuck nice," he concludes. She laughs.

"And who do you think you’re dealing with here? I already called them. Lebreau is staying with Serah anyway thanks to Sazh, so we don't have to worry about her being alone. Which is a relief! And Lebreau has everyone preparing defenses against any possible attacks. Not that I think they'll head there. Oerba is isolated and entrenched. But Sazh and I talked about adding some defenses to the top of the tower to make sure no hostiles can get near Oerba.”

“That's…good. You talked to Serah already?”

“Of course. You didn’t? What am I saying? Of course you didn’t, because then you wouldn’t have thought that I was avoiding you.”

“Well, I still have to talk to Serah about-“

“Us,” Snow says at the same time she says, “this. I can't… I need to talk to her. I can't just…not talk to her. I should've talked to her before-“

“Yeah. I know. Go call her.”

“It seems terrible doing this over the communicators.” She’s hedging. She knows it.

So does Snow, apparently. “Light. You can't put this off anymore.” He won’t let her. Not that she plans to.

Not really, anyway. “I'm not, okay?”

“Go. I'll…leave, if you want.”

“No. Just. Stay here. I'm going to go…in there.” She points at the bedroom.

“You know what? I’m just gonna run to my place to grab something to wear for later. If I show up to dinner tonight wearing the same clothes I was wearing yesterday, I’ll never hear the end of it from Fang. That woman loves breaking my balls.”

“Fang breaks everyone’s balls, Snow. That’s part of her charm.”

“Is that what they’re calling it these days?” he gripes as he opens the door. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. Okay?”

She nods, mind already on the conversation she’s dreading having.

Part III
in short, I was afraid

Lightning closes the door to her bedroom behind her. Heaving huge breaths, she steels herself for what she knows will be the most difficult moment of her entire life. The idea of hurting Serah is still unimaginable to her, even as Lightning knows that she spent all last night breaking faith with her sister in the worst possible way. Moreover, she enjoyed every single second of it, and longs to do it all over again. And even though she hates herself for it, she doubts she’d be able to just walk away from Snow, even if that should be her sister’s wish.

Lightning’s a terrible person, and a worse sister. She’s always known that Serah was the best part of her, and now she’s torn that part out and destroyed it. There’s no reparation she can make, no restitution she could offer. No, she didn’t set out to steal her sister’s happiness, but she did it all the same. There is no punishment too severe for her betrayal, and she knows it’s time to submit herself to her sister for that punishment.

Lightning shakes as she stares at her communicator. It’s pathetic, how weak she is. Last week, she marched into a viper den, willingly submitted herself to the whims of murderers and rapists without a second thought. Now, she’s considering running again, rather than speaking with her baby sister.

Pathetic.

Lightning knows that she should have called Serah before doing…anything like what she did last night. The truth is, that she had no clue what she’d even say to Serah, or if there was anything to say to Serah at all. She’d thought that Snow had made his decision, and that his choice wasn’t Lightning. Stolen kisses and tender words certainly don’t compare with years of commitment and marriage proposals, and Lightning figured Snow had realized that once their lives were no longer in immediate peril. No good would come of premature confessions from Lightning. She certainly had no intention of ruining her sister’s and Snow’s relationship over a few kisses exchanged under extreme duress.

But now, she’s waited too long. She was too rash and impatient. Lightning had wanted Snow - still wants him, if she’s to be honest - and she took him. Had him. Plans to have him again, she knows. She cannot say any of these things to Serah, but she must, and she would genuinely prefer to fight Barthandelus again than make this call right now.

She takes a breath and dials Serah. The communicator rings once before her sister’s voice comes through. “Claire? Please be you.”

Serah sounds scared, and Lightning feels the guilt like a gut punch all over again. “It’s me,” she confirms.

“Oh. Good,” Serah sighs. Then: “It’s about damn time! Sazh promised me that he’d make you call me as soon as you were safe, and here it is, five days later!”

“I’m sorry.” It sounds lame, even to her own ears.

“I know. You’re always sorry.”

“I-“

“Sazh called while you and Snow were in the infirmary,” Serah concedes, letting Lightning off the hook for her thoughtlessness. She’s always letting Lightning off the hook, it seems. “He told me you were both a bit banged up, desperately in need of sleep, but otherwise, fine.”

“Yeah. That about sums it up.”

“He also said that you two are heroes. That you freed a bunch of hostages from captivity.”

Lightning wishes that Sazh hadn’t told Serah any of the details of her mission, but there’s nothing to be done for it now. “Yeah. We did.”

“You said it was life and death…you weren’t kidding.” Lightning wonders if Serah thinks that she would lie about so serious an issue. She won’t ask that question, because she doesn’t want to know if her sister thinks she’s really that terrible.

“Yeah, it was important,” Lightning agrees. Then she admits, “But it was really rough.”

“It’s a good thing you had Snow to help you.” Lightning feels the ground tilting a bit, but it’s not so bad that she can’t keep her footing.

“Yeah. I wish things had been different,” she says, trying not to give away any details that Serah might not already have. “But I wouldn’t have made it out without him.”

“Is that all you’re going to say?”

What does she know? She really should’ve asked Snow what he told Serah, if anything. “Serah-“

“No, really. Are you just going to ignore the fact that Snow was there because he’s in love with you?” And there goes the floor, straight down to the bowels of hell. Lightning plops down on the bed, head spinning from Serah’s words. “That you took off in the middle of a blizzard because you’d rather face down a herd of rabid behemoths than deal with the fact that feelings are messy? Are we still pretending that’s not a thing?”

Lightning doesn’t know what to say, so she says nothing.

“You are!” Serah spits. “You are unbelievable!”

Snow also called her unbelievable last night. Perhaps she ought to work on that problem. “What do you want me to say, Serah?”

“I want you to say that you are in love with Snow. Then, I want you to say that you’re sorry.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for any of this.”

“What are you apologizing for? Do you even know?”

“What?”

“It doesn’t mean anything if you only apologize because I told you to.”

“I’m sorry for everything.”

“For everything? That’s specific. You know, I guess I have to tell you, since you can’t even admit that you and Snow are in love. I don’t want you to apologize for Snow falling in love with you, or you falling in love with Snow. Neither one of you wanted that to happen.”

“We didn’t plan anything. We never even talked about it before…”

“Before he showed up at your house and you ran screaming into the night?”

“Something like that.”

“Well, that’s what you need to apologize for: running away and putting your life, and Snow’s life at risk, rather than dealing with the problem. You risked the two people I love most in this world, and you need to apologize for it!”

“I am sorry for that, Serah. You’ll never know how sorry I am that I scared you, and that I dragged Snow into my mess.”

“But you’re not sorry that you left.”

“I left for a lot of reasons. You may not believe me, but it wasn’t all Snow. I needed not to be there anymore, and I won’t apologize for needing to get the hell out of that place.”

“Right then? That night, that way?”

“I’m sorry that I scared you.”

“But you’re not sorry that you put yourself in danger.”

“No. I’m not going to apologize for doing what I want to do with my life. I’m sorry that it scared you. I’m sorry that Snow, Sazh and Hope got dragged into it. I’m sorrier for that than I can ever express. But I’m not going to apologize for taking a risk, because that’s who I am, and what I do, and I would be lying to you if I apologize and pretend I won’t do it again.”

“What about Snow? Are you sorry you put him in danger?”

“You have no idea how sorry I am that Snow followed me,” Lightning snaps. “If I could make it so he stayed home with you, believe me, I would.”

“You just said you wouldn’t have gotten out of there without him.”

“And I still wish he hadn’t followed me, Serah.”

“You know, Claire, I love you. But I don’t understand you. And I don’t know why you don’t believe that I love you.”

The change of subject is so abrupt, it gives Lightning whiplash. “What do you mean? I do believe-“

“No, you don’t. If you believed that I loved you, you wouldn’t have thought I’d rather you die than find out that Snow wasn’t in love with me anymore.”

“That’s not why I wish Snow hadn’t followed me,” Lightning declares. “Besides, I knew leaving was going to upset and worry you, Serah, no matter what you found out about Snow.”

“And knowing that, you still did it? Why?”

“There were a lot of reasons, most of which have nothing to do with you at all. But as for the ones that do, it’s simple: I didn’t want to mess up your life.”

“No. That’s not why you left. I mean, I’m sure that’s part of it, but I’ve had time to think about everything, and I’m pretty sure I know exactly why you took off like you did.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. You left because it was too hard to stay and watch Snow marry me.”

It’s like a slap in the face. “I stayed for a year,” Lightning breathes.

“True. But we barely saw you.  And of course, that was before Snow showed up at your house, wasn’t it?”

It’s not anything like the reasons Lightning had enumerated in her own mind, but it was always there. Lurking.

“You know how I know that I’m right, Claire? Other than the fact that you didn’t deny it, I mean? I know because that’s exactly how I feel.”

“I’m-“

“No, don’t start apologizing. That’s not why I’m telling you. I’m not telling you because I’m mad. I’m not mad…”

Bullshit, Lightning thinks.

As if Serah heard her silent rebuke, she continues: “…Alright, that’s a lie. I am mad. But I don’t want to be mad. My head knows that neither one of you meant to hurt me. It’s my heart that’s having the issue understanding right now. And that’s why I’m telling you: don’t come back here. Not now. Maybe not for a while.”

“Serah-“

“This isn’t about being angry at you, okay?  It’s about healing my heart. I don’t want to be angry, and most of the time, I’m not. Not really. I’m mad at the situation, not at you or Snow. But just because I understand, and love you both, and really want you both to be happy…that doesn’t mean that I can watch you two be in love and happy together right now.”

Here it is. Lightning always knew that this would be the price she’d have to pay to have Snow. She’d made a choice, and the cost of that choice is her sister.  Lightning closes her eyes, feels the pain tear through her heart like a bullet, and tries to breathe through it.

Unaware of Lightning’s struggle, Serah barrels on. “But I know you, Claire! The answer isn’t for you to break Snow’s heart. The answer isn’t to hurt yourself, okay? I love you both, and it would break my heart more to know that the two of you are miserable. Snow doesn’t deserve that.” Even now, Serah is trying to protect Snow’s heart and give him what he wants. She’s loving him the only way she can anymore, and Lightning once again finds herself wondering how he made the choice he did. Serah is so much better than Lightning will ever be. “He tried really hard. He did.  And I love him, and you better be good to him, because that’s something I won’t forgive! He deserves to be happy! And so do you, Claire!”

“You deserve to be happy, Serah. I can’t be happy if it comes at your expense.”

“But that’s what you expected me to do.”

“What?”

“You expected me to just marry Snow so I could be happy, even though he was in love with you, and wouldn’t have been happy with me, and you would’ve been miserable and heartbroken.  How was that situation supposed to make me happy?”

Lightning drops her face into her hand. “What do you want me to say, Serah? You love Snow, and I know he loves you.”

“Snow loves everyone! That’s who he is! He’s got the biggest, most generous heart of any person I’ve ever known. But he’s in love with you, Claire. He hasn’t been in love with me for a very long time. I should know; I lived with him for a year. And believe me: I know he tried. After Cocoon, and after I woke up, I knew he was different. But he still tried so hard to be the man he was, so he could give me what he thought would make me happy. He wanted that so much, that I know he would’ve married me if I hadn’t told him to leave. But as much as I thought I wanted to marry Snow, I know I didn’t want to marry a man who loves another woman. Why would I do that to either one of us? To any of us?”

Lightning feels the tears burning her eyes, but refuses to let the sounds slip past her lips. She owes it to Serah to hear her out.

“I wouldn’t. But I can’t just flip a switch, no matter how much I wish I could. So do me a favor, Sis. Don’t try to make yourself feel better about this by making yourself feel worse. Don’t hurt yourself because you think you hurt me. And don’t hurt Snow because he loves you and not me. If you want me to be happy, then make Snow happy. I couldn’t do it. Maybe you can. If he’s happy, I’ll be happy. And one day, my heart will heal. When it does, then I know that I will be able to be happy for the two of you up close and in person. Right now, I think watching that would just hurt too much. But not as much as it would hurt me to know that my heartache is all for nothing.  You being miserable isn’t going to rewind time so Snow and I still love one another. Snow being alone isn’t going to make me happy.”

“You shouldn’t be alone, Serah. You don’t deserve this.”

“I’m not alone. Lebreau has been staying here, and she’s going to move in. It’s been fun to have a roommate, and this way, neither one of you two heroes can use my being alone as an excuse to show up here and sabotage everything. I don’t want you here. I want time and space.”

And the verdict is: excommunication from Serah’s life. If she didn’t love her sister so goddamn much, it might seem like Lightning is getting off easy, but the idea of not seeing her sister for years, or maybe ever, steals Lightning’s breath.

As though reading her mind, Serah says, “I want us to be a family again someday. I hope for that, anyway. But for now, you and Snow need to stay there, and I’m going to stay here.  I just need some space. Please respect that. Don’t call me. Don’t come here. And I’m not kidding: if you break Snow’s heart, I’ll never forgive you.”

Serah hangs up on her, and Lightning lets out the sob that she’d been holding in. Serah had been kinder than Lightning deserved, and yet, Lightning still feels as though her sister gutted her. But if her sister wants space, she will give it to her. Lightning knows all about the need for space and solitude.

Lightning allows herself a few long minutes of self-pity, even as she knows that this punishment is nothing that she didn’t earn with interest. When she’s done crying, she heads into the bathroom and washes her face. She has no doubt Snow is back, and probably heard her crying, but she doesn’t want to discuss losing Serah with Snow.

This is her penance, and she will bear it alone.

Lightning steps out of the bedroom. Snow eyes her warily from the couch, and she knows that he’s feeling uncertain and apprehensive. This thing between them is new and fragile, and if there is one thing that could decimate it almost before it starts, it’s the right or wrong word or reaction from Serah.  They both love her, and neither of them can stomach the idea of hurting her. Yet, they both know they have done so, and will continue to do so should they move forward together from here.

Resolved, Lightning walks past Snow into the kitchen and pours two glasses of red wine. She places one beside Snow. He catches her hand and tugs to get her attention. “So, how’d it go?”

She sighs her response before surprising him by settling in his lap.  His arms wrap around her waist and he shifts against the back of the couch to get them both more comfortable. She reaches over and plucks his wine off the table, pressing the glass to his lips. His smile is both curious and intrigued as he sips the wine.

Placing both glasses of wine back on the table, Lightning wraps her arms around Snow’s neck, leans in, and savors the taste of the rich wine on his pallet.  He hums as she sucks on his tongue, sliding his hand up her leg until it settles on her hipbone. Breaking away from his mouth, she says, “She says that if I break your heart, she’ll break my neck.”

Snow gawks at her for a second before exclaiming: “She did not!”

“Maybe not in those exact words, but that was the round up. She also says that I should make you happy.” She stands up and shimmies out of her leggings. Her tank top joins her leggings on the floor as she backs away from Snow. Snow shifts to get up but stills when she wags her finger and shakes her head at him. He leans back, spreads his legs and takes a sip of his wine.

“How can I make you happy? Let me think.” She taps her fingers to her lips, then snaps them. “I’ve got it.” Swaying her hips and licking her lips earns her a deep groan from the back of Snow’s throat; dropping to her knees and crawling towards him gets him panting. She settles between his spread legs, pushes everything else from her mind, and loses herself in the feeling of making love to Snow for a good, long while.

Part IV
the evenings, mornings, afternoons

After learning the benefits of having a comfortable sofa that doesn’t stick you with springs at inopportune moments, Lightning dragged Snow back to bed, where she once again coaxed the loveliest sounds out of him. Now, she drowses in his arms, one leg thrown across his hip. His fingers glide over her skin, and unbelievably, she can feel him stirring with interest yet again.

Two thoughts hit Lightning at once: this man is a sex god, and we’re going to kill one another. Then, yeah, but what a way to go!

“So, do we have to go to dinner? I don’t want to get out of bed.” He presses against her and she can feel why he doesn’t want to get out of bed.

“Yes, we have to go to Sazh’s for dinner.” She looks at the clock, thinks about everything they need to do before they leave for Sazh’s and says, “And we definitely have to get out of this bed. Now.”

“But why!?” He whines like a brat. His fingers skate along her flank, tracing over her ribs, swirling around her hipbone, before meandering along the waistband of her panties, up to her navel where he traces the outline of it, moving back up to where he started, then repeating the whole journey. Over and over, until her whole world narrows down to his fingertips, and the anticipation winding up her whole body like a watch.

Focus, Lightning.

“Because Sazh is our friend,” she replies. “Because he invited us, and we’re celebrating surviving, and all being together again,” she continues, talking to herself as much as Snow. “Besides, we can’t live on sex, Snow.”

“But we haven’t even tried.” She huffs a laugh, wondering how he can sound so earnest while clearly joking. “It’s not like you to give up without even trying, Lightning.”

“I’m hungry, Snow.” There’s only so far that sandwich is going to go considering their level of activity for the past eighteen hours. “Aren’t you hungry?”

“Famished,” he whispers. His hand slips beneath the waistband of her panties while his mouth finds the bruise he’d left on her neck.

She giggles and moans. “You’re incorrigible.”

“…That a good thing?” he asks before proving that he doesn’t much care. Her eyes flutter closed.

“…Yes,” she breathes. “It’s a very good thing. But I still need food. And a shower. We smell like sex.”

“I love the smell of sex,” he growls. Then his hand disappears and his whole demeanor shifts. “But a shower sounds great. Let’s go.”

Wait, what? Oh, hell no! If they shower together, they’ll never be ready in time! “Alone, Snow.”

“Nope. Nothing in the rules for preparing for dinner says anything about me not getting to enjoy you soapy in a shower.  Let’s go. I’ll wash your hair. You can wash my back.” He climbs out bed, stretches, then holds his hand out to Lightning in invitation.

She considers getting her hands on a wet, desperate Snow, and wonders what, exactly, is wrong with her. She can’t think of anything she’d enjoy more than using her tongue to chase cascading water droplets through the peaks and valleys of Snow’s well-muscled body. And while his favorite pastime is trying to get her to scream for him, she’s in love with his every incoherent monosyllabic plea.

She lets him pull her out of the bed and lead her to the shower.

Part V
perfume from a dress

Freshly showered and well-satisfied, Lightning stands in front of the mirror in the bathroom, towel tied between her breasts, taking stock of all the damage. She is flushed all over, and not just from the shower. Her lips are still swollen, and considering how much she has been indulging herself in the taste of Snow’s mouth, she figures that’s not likely to change. The past few days had allowed her enough time to sleep, finally chasing away the dark circles from under her eyes. All things considered, she looks okay.

Then there’s the bruises. The one from the rifle butt is finally healing, but that just makes the right half of her face look mottled with sickly yellows and greens.  The point of impact by her temple is scabbed over, turning the once open wound into what looks like a reddish brown spider surrounded by crimson and purple webbing.

That fucker hit her much harder than she’d realized. She’s lucky his aim was off, allowing her cheekbone to take the main impact. A few millimeters in one direction, and it would’ve been a direct hit to the temple, which could’ve killed her. Another direction would’ve been a direct hit to the orbital bone. That could’ve ruined her eye. As it is, it was a painful hit that left her with a hideous bruise splashed from her hairline to her lower jaw, but no actual complications or permanent damage.

She pulls out her makeup bag, and sorts through her few items to see if she has anything that will help cover it up for the night. She’d just like to look decent tonight. Hell, she’s even got a little black dress and boots picked out for the occasion. They’re having a party - Vanille’s word, not hers - and she’d like to look good, especially after a week of looking like something a cat coughed up.

Okay, so she wants to look pretty for a certain big blond dumbass, not that she’d ever admit to any such thing. The truth is, there’s something addictive about the way Snow looks at her, and even though it’s only been a handful of days since she noticed that look even existed, she’d really like him to keep looking at her like that. Preferably every day, forever.

After doing her best - which is not very good, let’s be honest - to cover up the bruises on her face, she moves onto the love bites on her neck. Considering the fingerprint bruises around her throat from her tussle in the garage, and the bandages from the bite that Jace had taken when she was ‘captured, Lightning isn’t all that concerned about one or two love bites drawing attention. She’s already a banged up mess.

She gives up trying to do anything with the makeup, applies some strawberry lip gloss, pins up her hair, readjusts her towel, and exits the bathroom.

The bedroom reeks of sex. No big shock there, all things considered.

Lightning pulls out a fresh set of sheets and bends to strip the bedding off the mattress just as Snow walks back into the room. He gives her a heated, lascivious look from across the room, which she does her best to ignore.

They don’t have time for sex, another shower, and for her to do her hair and makeup again, so he needs to cut it out, now.

When she bends to smooth the wrinkles out of the fresh sheets, he comes to stand behind her, putting his hand on her stomach, and pressing the front of his body against the length of her back. He kisses her neck, fingers finding the tie on the towel to loosen it.

“Snow-“

“You’re just too tempting to resist.”

She shrugs him off. “We don’t have time, Snow.”

“Oh, that’s the attitude of a quitter! There’s plenty of time! Here. Let me prove it,” he slips his hand between the folds of the towel.

She bats his hand away. “I’m changing the sheets-“

“I liked those sheets!”

“-then we’re getting dressed and going to dinner.” She stalks over to the closet and pulls out her dress and boots.

“Wait, you mean I gotta wear clothes, too!”

“To Sazh’s?!” What in the world?

Snow cracks up. “You should see the look on your face, Light!” She just huffs and throws the dirty sheets at him. He picks them up, looking sheepish. “Fine. I promise I’ll behave from now through the end of dinner, if you promise not to behave when we get back. And to wear those boots to bed.”

She looks at the boots that she’s planning to wear tonight. They’re black suede, rise above her knees, and, best of all, hide multiple knives for personal defense. Plus, she looks damn good in them. She wouldn’t mind seeing how they’d look over Snow’s shoulders. “Done. But I’ll have to take the knives out first.”

“That’s my girl,” Snow says as he takes the sheets to the laundry. “But leave the knives! I want to frisk you, later.”

continued in part 2