Deathmental ( KangMin , R )
12.11.05
2:04 A.M.
Youngwoon’s appartment.
The shrilling sound of smashing China plates echoed through the kitchen, immediately followed by curses, and another plate. The poor target of this attack could only try to dodge his lover’s fury, protecting his head with his forearms.
“ AND DON’T YOU DARE TALKING SHIT ABOUT KYUHYUN AGAIN ! Kyuhyun never did that to me, do you hear me ? NEVER in a 11 months relationship he left his DISHES ON THE COFFEE TABLE ! You have NO RESPECT for my efforts, I do everything I can to keep this house clean and tidy and you do not give any shit about it ! I am tired, I’m going to bed, and I’m not talking to you.”
Sungmin left the trashed kitchen, pushing his boyfriend out of the way. One very tired, frustrated boyfriend....
It’s been 4 days.Four days that their relationship went back to a clusterfuck of ignorance, biting retorts, and unshed tears.
It wasn’t one of their longest argument, yet this one was bearing that tension, that unexplainable anxiety, like a countdown. The upsetting silence before the storm, as if an important upheaval was about to happen soon.
Things weren’t as much different as when they met, Sungmin thought, lying down his bed and closing his eyes tight, letting memories flow in his brain.
When they first met, Sungmin was already dating someone, and he was very much in love. Sungmin was secretive, complicated, moody of nature. But he was also demanding, self-centered, scornful, with a behemothic lack of self-confidence hidden behind that stern, ice-cold face he was pulling on a daily basis. Yet it seemed that around Kyuhyun, Sungmin would turn into a cute,smart and thoughtful 20 years old-man. He couldn’t even recognize himself around him. He was happy, simple as that. They’d been together for 9 months already, and Sungmin had just graduated. Kyuhyun’s dad was one of the most powerful men in the country ; He had placed many hopes on his only son’s shoulder - a genius ,he would praise him- and thus had named him CEO in one of his branch business. Kyuhyun was happy to have his own, huge office. He was even more happy when he hired Sungmin as his secretary. Sungmin didn’t want to spend his whole life typing e-mails and answering the phone ;he was willing to become an actor, he had studied for it. But he needed funds to travel to all his castings, and he refused to rely on Kyuhyun’s money. The only proposition he accepted was the job Kyuhyun offered him..
The day Sungmin met Youngwoon, he was invited with Kyuhyun to a party at Heechul’s, a friend of Kyuhyun. Heechul had as many qualities as flaws, yet only the latter were obvious in his behaviour. Sungmin didn’t like Heechul very much, because he thought that Heechul didn’t like him in the first place. But Sungmin liked HanGeng, his Chinese on-and-off boyfriend, his soft voice, and how a simple glance could calm the wild cat that Heechul could be.
The moment Sungmin met Youngwoon, he was cleaning the mess that Champagne, Heechul’s cat, had made in the kitchen, jumping on the table and kicking plates on the floor. Heechul had started to shriek, HanGeng had dragged him back to the living room to have a drink, leaving SUngmin in the kitchen who’d said “ Don’t worry, I’m taking care of it”.
The first time Sungmin’s eyes met Youngwoon’s, he was kneeling on the floor, his hands stained with mashed potatoes and tomato sauce, and he was cursing to himself, looking up and reaching for the light. The moment his eyes caught Youngwoon’s, Sungmin felt violent desire hit him like a truck, and he stayed there, on his knees his hand on the wall, in front of that tall, broad man with the most expressive eyes he’s ever seen in his whole life. After almost 5 seconds- which seemed like an eternity-, the other male had held out his hand, taking Sungmin’s in his and pulling him up on his feet with a strength that only made Sungmin’s insides churn more.
After that first encounter, Sungmin’s thought would only get back to Youngwoon. He loved Kyuhyun, he loved him with all his heart, and that’s the reason why he forced himself to ignore the other man to the best of his ability, acting cold and even contemptuous around him. For months, Youngwoon had courted Sungmin, the uneasiness so tangible whenever Kyuhyun and Youngwoon would be in the same room. It made Heechul laugh, and Sungmin frown. He couldn’t pretend he didn’t like Youngwoon anymore, yet he still loved Kyuhyun, and it was driving him insane. Kyuhyun was the first person to make him feel worthy. What if Youngwoon was an asshole ? What if he left the comfort of a satisfying relationship for the thrill of an affair that would only bring back all of the wrong memories in his past ?
Sungmin put on 22 pounds in 2 months, and Heechul cried of laughters when he saw him the day he came back from his vacation in China.
Sungmin had locked himself up in the bathroom and cried for 10 minutes, when he had heard someone knock on the door. Youngwoon was standing in the door frame. Sungmin had let him in.What happened in the bathroom at that moment remained a mystery to the others, who were still sitting in Kyuhyun’s living room.
The very same night, Sungmin broke up with Kyuhyun, and, a single backpack full of his most useful belonging swinging on his shoulder, he had left to live at his best friend’s, Donghee, until further notice.
Sungmin was like this : He had impulsive moments which would happen at the most unexpected times and places. He was persuaded that Kyuhyun would fire him, and Donghee was already helping him to look for a job. But It’s Kyuhyun who had come to him, almost begging him to stay and keep working for him. More out of convenience than affection, Sungmin had accepted. He was now offering Kyuhyun the cold face and the dry smiles, whereas on the other hand, the little kinky love game had started with Youngwoon.Sungmin couldn’t tease him enough, he was drunk of his dark, hungry brown eyes and yet he was asking for more.Sungmin had played with him,pushing him to the very ends of frustration.
The day Youngwoon couldn’t hold himself anymore was a Saturday, and Sungmin had come to bring Youngwoon his Pomeranian puppy back. He had accepted to take Princess to the dog groomer while Youngwoon was at work. He had bent over the time too many, and going, going ,gone, Youngwoon had pulled him roughly to him for a searing kiss.
They only had left the bedroom for food and using the bathroom in the following 12 hours and Sungmin found himself unable to stop, he had to feel Youngwoon’s hands all over his body, he had to feel his hard cock up his ass, filling him up to the brim, his girth larger than any other dick he had taken before. Still, he couldn’t care less about the pain lost in the lecherous mess they made of Youngwoon’s place.
When they woke up the day after, around 5 in the afternoon, Sungmin knew. He knew he didn’t want no other hands on his waist, no other mouth on his cheek, no other eyes on his face for the rest of his life.
Sungmin had started dozing off when he heard the bedroom’s door open slowly and Youngwoon come in, before closing it behind him. He closed his eyes tight and pretended to sleep, almost waiting for his boyfriend’s arm to come and hold him tight against his broad chest. He never did.
3 P.M.
Sungmin’s office.
Sungmin was whistling to himself, turning his laptop off and tucking it back in his satchel. When he looked up, he het Kyuhyun’s eyes, those dark, melancholic dark orbs he couldn’t bear to look at for more than 2 seconds, not after what happened the week before.
“Are you coming tonight at Heechul’s ? You never replied my texts or returned my calls” Kyuhyun said, staring at the smaller man before him. Sungmin had shrugged, pretending he was annoyed, pretending he had no time to waste “ Hmph, yes, we are coming “ , he said, insisting on the plural, grabbing his satchel by the handle. He walked away, but Kyuhyun caught him by the arm with a force he had never used against him.” You let go of me right now, Kyuhyun. I’m not going to say it twice”. Yet before he could protest or move away,he was pushed up against the glass door of his office. Kyuhyun stared at his face, intense grief and pain emanating from his eyes . Sungmin gasped, his own throat tightening. The swallowed thickly and said in a soft voice. “ Kyuhyun....you promised..Please, don’t make things even more complicated as they already are....Please... You promised...”. His hand came to rest on the other man’s gaunt cheek. Kyuhyun nodded slowly, before backing off.
Sungmin left the building, remorse eating his insides with vicious, stinging bites.
He remembered the week before, when he and Kyuhyun had argued in his office, the latter’s voice broken with all the hurt accumulated during the past 7 months, he was screaming, crying, unable to stop, unable to yell loud enough, unable to find the right words. Sungmin did nothing when Kyuhyun had pushed him on his desk, throwing everything that was on his desk on the floor- his own cherished laptop included -. He had just closed his eyes tight when he felt Kyuhyun burying himself deep inside him,refusing to look at his face. He’d stay deaf to Kyuhyun pleading,to his feverish kisses, to his loving promises, and when he came, Sungmin was still flaccid and unmoved. He left the building barely stumbling on his feet,leaving Kyuhyun alone, crying over his loss
12:48 A.M.
Heechul’s appartment.
“ JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THAT CAT IS SO STUPID “ Heechul shrieked, running after Baengshin who had stolen a sushi on the coffee table.Sungmin laughed along with the others, his hand running through Kangin’s short hair. There were so many people he had to sit on Youngwoon’s knees, not that he would complain though. He loved the proximity and his warmth. He kissed his cheek, and Youngwoon smiled, somewhat drunk, yet not as much as Sungmin already was.
“ Ok so” Heechul said, coming back to sit in his armchair, his very own throne like he liked to call it. “ My turn....Never have I ever... Hit my partner with a crop while riding him “ he said, before downing his shot of vodka. The whole room bursts out in laughters, and Sungmin had covered his mouth, gasping in shock and laughing himself. He leaned over to whisper in Kangin’s ear “ He just gave me an idea”, and Youngwoon just slapped Sungmin’s leg playfully. “ Yah, don’t even think about it” .
HanGeng hid his redden face face in Heechul’s hair, while his loud and very drunk boyfriend said “ Alright. Kyuhyun, your turn”.
Sungmin hadn’t notice how drunk Kyuhyun was until now. He had ignored him the more he could, but now everybody’s attention was on him, realisation struck him.He was smirking bitterly, a cigarette caught between his lips, and he looked at Sungmin , right in the eyes “ Never have I ever cheated on my boyfriend “. Heechul didn’t hesitate a single moment before downing another shot of vodka, Siwon, his ex boyfriend, glaring at him at the other end of the couch. “Don’t you have no shame, Heechul”, HanGeng murmured in Heechul’s ear, and the latter just shrugged, shoving another piece of sushi in his mouth . Kyuhyun’s eyes were still planted in Sungmin’s, who didn’t budge. “ Yah”, he eventually said, putting his cigarette down in the ashtray “ I thought no one was supposed to lie”. Sungmin swallowed , his grip on Kangin’s hair tightening slightly. Youngwoon frowned and glared at Kyuhyun. “ Yah, what do you mean ? “. Sungmin just stood up, reassembling the last pieces of dignity he had left, and walked over to the bathroom. Donghee shook his head in disapproval at Kyuhyun, before following his friend.
When Sungmin came out of the bathroom later, a bit less upset, yet still on the edge, he was shout out by Siwon, who pulled him into an unexpected hug “ Yaah..” he said softly, looking at him. “ Don’t listen to Kyuhyun, Ok ? Go back to Youngwoon, because I know...I know you know where your heart truly is” . With those last words, he slipped a little flask of vodka in Sungmin’s pocket with a wink, before going back to Heechul, who was yelling after him. Sungmin started to look for Youngwoon. When he found him, the first thing that caught his eyes was him, next to the window, talking close with another guy. He had such a pretty face, full lips, and gentle eyes. Was that the kind pf guy Youngwoon liked ? The innocent ones ? Sungmin huffed and grabbed his coat and bag, before heading to the door . “ Yah, Sungmin-ah..Please stay, don’t act stupid” Donghee said, tugging gently on the blond’s sleeve. Sungmin shook his head “ I can’t. I don’t feel ok, I’m just going to go home and rest.” Donghee frowned and insisted “ Yah...Let me at least take you home. I’m not letting you drive like that.”
“There will be no need for that, Donghee-ah. I’m taking him home. Thank you though” a deep voice said behind their backs. They both turned to face Youngwoon, who was standing there, fully dressed to leave, a dark expression on his face. Donghee just nodded and gave Sungmin a soft pat on his arm, before going back to join the others.
Sungmin walked fast ahead of Youngwoon, the other one calling after him in the corridor. “ Yah, Sungmin -ah ! What happened ? Yaaah, Sungmin-aaah ! Talk to me for christ’s sake,will you stop ignoring me, for once in your life, stop playing that fucking stupid game and TALK, and not just SPEAK?!”. Frustration was obvious in Youngwoon’s tone, yet Sungmin ignored him again, and again, until the other one just couldn’t bear it anymore and just grabbed his hand in a tight grip,pulling him to him, before shaking him by the shoulders . “ Are you deaf , huh ? Yaaah! That’s fucking ridiculous SUngmin ! Why are you so angry anyways, huh ? What the fuck did I do ? I did nothing, for christ’s sake ! Tell me ! Tell me or....Or...aish I don’t fucking know anymore, I just can’t with you, ok? “ he said, before stepping out of the elevator, walking fast towards the car.
2:30 A.M.
Youngwoon’s car.
“ I thought you were different.....I love you so much yet....You're proving me I got fooled again.”
When the collision happened,Sungmin could see all of his life before his eyes. His earliest memories, his childhood, sneaking out of his house at night and climb on Donghee’s motorcycle as a teen, meeting Kyuhyun in university, graduating, meeting Youngwoon....He wasn’t scared. Somehow, it was better off that way. No more pain. No more heavy weight on his shoulders. No more hurt for Kyuhyun or Youngwoon. No more worry for DOnghee. And no more pain for himself, waking up every morning , seeing his dull face in the morning, hating himself more and more everyday. He wouldn’t have lasted long anyways. He knew it.
It was better off that way....And he’d rather die from Youngwoon’s fault than anyone else’s in the world.