Choices
~goes to Bingo's bedside, laying his hand upon his brow, listening for a moment to his breathing; the draw and sigh of a sleeper's breath~
A'maelamin...I wish it that I did not have to speak while you slept, but it must be so for I seem never to be around when you're awake...which is a grevious blow to my heart. I long to spend every wakig hour of mine, here, by your side. Instead I find myself biding my time within the confines of the Bag End of my home.
~fetches a chair and sits beside the bed~
When I awake in what should be a familiar bed in that place by now...I find myself wondering where I am, reaching for a hobbit who is not there, nor anywhere within my lands. I get up and dress, expecting to be able to wander into this land, where you are. I look out of the windows to the world of my writer, and see that the computer is no where at hand. I am unable to come here, when my eyes greet the stars...my heart breaking more the longer I gaze upon them. I speak, but to a deaf audiance, demanding I be allowed...if not for decency, then for the sake of our love. Occasionally I get an answer, "Wake up earlier."
~sighs and takes Bingo's hand~
Wake up earlier. I do, to find that this world has moved on without me, by leaps and bounds. I find myself out of the loop of conversations I chose to participate in in the hopes I would be able to establish a connection...I find myself left behind, staring at chairs where hobbits once were, gesturing as if to pour tea, but the teapot is no longer in my hand and the tea is already gone. I can wake up earlier, but is it better to lead this life of being left behind because of the rest of the world operating at a later time than I? So that actions can be carried out between multiple persons, who converse at the same time, leaving me with a hand formed to the handle of a tea pot that is no longer there?
Sometimes only blackness greets me when I step over...I know then, that I was not established enough in what was happening, and I get pushed out the door again. This happens more and more now.
~kisses Bingo's hand~ I could sit here, and speak of the troubles I have for many hours in getting here, or I could blame the writer. I know I am not blameless...I could shout until my throat is raw, demanding my time. I could speak up more, at the very least. I...I've grown weak, since I came to Bag End again. Speaking is harder. Moving is harder. I should recognize the signs of disuse. I've allowed myself to be cast away...stepping aside for the writer, so that a new kind of happiness could be explored. Little did I know I would be pushed away so.
I've hurt you, in my meek submission, allowing myself to be ignored. I have hurt you more than any has right to, in the time we have been together. With my absences. I love you too much for that...and it...~closes his eyes, biting his lip~...it's hard for me to do this. The truth is, Bingo, I don't live for much these days. All I have is the hope of getting to see you, and maybe speak with you. It's not fear of fading though, that hurts so much, nor puts tears in my eyes. It's...it's the thought of no longer being able to see you...~wipes his eyes with the back of his hand~ or feel your hand in mine and know that you love me, as I love you. We had so much, a'maelamin...and I have cast it to ruin, haven't I?
I am going to put a hard choice in your hands, melamin, and I apologize. I cannot make it myself, I am too...too weak, and unable. You've such a strong and beautiful spirit, a'maelamin, I can't stand being the cause of your agony, even as I bear my own pain at what has happened to us.
The choice is this...ask me to stay, and I gladly shall. In staying, I will try and grow stronger...try and ask for the time that is mine to be with you. Try is a harsh word, isn't it? It makes it easy for the effort not to be taken. I will take the effort, though, because I do love you. I will talk with my writer. Ask me to stay, and we can work together to piece what we have left together and hopefully recover. However, I will also accept that you still have the second choice.
Ask me to leave...release yourself from the anguish I have caused you, so that you continue with your life. Cherish the memories we have toge--~pauses, burying his face in his hands~ together, that are ours....but know you can move on. Use what I have taught you in the ways of a muse...~pauses, breathing shallowly, trying not to cry too hard~ and look back on our love without tears in your eyes, and regret not this choice.
I love you, Bingo. I always will. I don't think I should be able to go on without you. What a hindrance I am to you, and how I long to keep you as my own. The choice is yours, a'maelamin. But do not choose with pity for me, or against your intuition.
After you choose, I shall have choices of my own to make. ~kisses his hand again~ I love you, and trust you.
Edited
A'maelamin...I wish it that I did not have to speak while you slept, but it must be so for I seem never to be around when you're awake...which is a grevious blow to my heart. I long to spend every wakig hour of mine, here, by your side. Instead I find myself biding my time within the confines of the Bag End of my home.
~fetches a chair and sits beside the bed~
When I awake in what should be a familiar bed in that place by now...I find myself wondering where I am, reaching for a hobbit who is not there, nor anywhere within my lands. I get up and dress, expecting to be able to wander into this land, where you are. I look out of the windows to the world of my writer, and see that the computer is no where at hand. I am unable to come here, when my eyes greet the stars...my heart breaking more the longer I gaze upon them. I speak, but to a deaf audiance, demanding I be allowed...if not for decency, then for the sake of our love. Occasionally I get an answer, "Wake up earlier."
~sighs and takes Bingo's hand~
Wake up earlier. I do, to find that this world has moved on without me, by leaps and bounds. I find myself out of the loop of conversations I chose to participate in in the hopes I would be able to establish a connection...I find myself left behind, staring at chairs where hobbits once were, gesturing as if to pour tea, but the teapot is no longer in my hand and the tea is already gone. I can wake up earlier, but is it better to lead this life of being left behind because of the rest of the world operating at a later time than I? So that actions can be carried out between multiple persons, who converse at the same time, leaving me with a hand formed to the handle of a tea pot that is no longer there?
Sometimes only blackness greets me when I step over...I know then, that I was not established enough in what was happening, and I get pushed out the door again. This happens more and more now.
~kisses Bingo's hand~ I could sit here, and speak of the troubles I have for many hours in getting here, or I could blame the writer. I know I am not blameless...I could shout until my throat is raw, demanding my time. I could speak up more, at the very least. I...I've grown weak, since I came to Bag End again. Speaking is harder. Moving is harder. I should recognize the signs of disuse. I've allowed myself to be cast away...stepping aside for the writer, so that a new kind of happiness could be explored. Little did I know I would be pushed away so.
I've hurt you, in my meek submission, allowing myself to be ignored. I have hurt you more than any has right to, in the time we have been together. With my absences. I love you too much for that...and it...~closes his eyes, biting his lip~...it's hard for me to do this. The truth is, Bingo, I don't live for much these days. All I have is the hope of getting to see you, and maybe speak with you. It's not fear of fading though, that hurts so much, nor puts tears in my eyes. It's...it's the thought of no longer being able to see you...~wipes his eyes with the back of his hand~ or feel your hand in mine and know that you love me, as I love you. We had so much, a'maelamin...and I have cast it to ruin, haven't I?
I am going to put a hard choice in your hands, melamin, and I apologize. I cannot make it myself, I am too...too weak, and unable. You've such a strong and beautiful spirit, a'maelamin, I can't stand being the cause of your agony, even as I bear my own pain at what has happened to us.
The choice is this...ask me to stay, and I gladly shall. In staying, I will try and grow stronger...try and ask for the time that is mine to be with you. Try is a harsh word, isn't it? It makes it easy for the effort not to be taken. I will take the effort, though, because I do love you. I will talk with my writer. Ask me to stay, and we can work together to piece what we have left together and hopefully recover. However, I will also accept that you still have the second choice.
Ask me to leave...release yourself from the anguish I have caused you, so that you continue with your life. Cherish the memories we have toge--~pauses, burying his face in his hands~ together, that are ours....but know you can move on. Use what I have taught you in the ways of a muse...~pauses, breathing shallowly, trying not to cry too hard~ and look back on our love without tears in your eyes, and regret not this choice.
I love you, Bingo. I always will. I don't think I should be able to go on without you. What a hindrance I am to you, and how I long to keep you as my own. The choice is yours, a'maelamin. But do not choose with pity for me, or against your intuition.
After you choose, I shall have choices of my own to make. ~kisses his hand again~ I love you, and trust you.
Edited