Today I Got An E-mail
Today I got am e-mail from my ex-step dad, whom I haven't talked to since I was 15 years old.
As many of you know, since I was 15 I pushed my dad out of my life. I hated him for what he did to me. He cut me deeply in a way that no one has even come close to since. I've been working on forgiving him, and I sent an e-mail to my mom telling her as much. She sent it to him, and she told me that he refused to talk to me because I still believe he abused me.
I wasn't surprised... I mean, I'm used to guys abandoning me (I really need to work on that...). I just accepted it and carried on.
Cue the death of my long-time canine Hunter... and dad e-mails me from out of the blue. He says he's sorry to hear of Hunter's death and has heard I'm on the Dean's List. So... here I am, confused, but kinda hopeful. Might there be a chance for reconciliation? Might forgiveness pay off? Perhaps he just needed some time to think about it?
So I asked him as much. He wrote me this morning saying that our future depended on if I thought he abused me. I said, yes, I did think he abused me but I also told him that I'm willing to talk about it and that I forgive him and that I'd be interested in communicating with him more... I spent the better part of this morning writing my reply to him. Forgiveness and Christ's love were key concepts.
It's in God's hands. However, I'm not hopeful. He made it seem pretty straight forward: believing abuse = no contact. However, I'm not willing to create a relationship built on a lie. He did abuse me. In no way is forcing your daughter to kiss you, holding her down, and molesting her ok. No one should ever be touched like that against their will.
But I believe that I've experienced a lot of healing since those dark days. Believe it or not, I used to hate to be touched at all. If someone tried to hug me I used to put my arm between us. Hard to imagine now, eh? Most of that I owe to Lizzie. But my Milligan friends also really helped me open up. And now a day is not complete without a hug, trust, and love.
And my male professors are the first males who I've felt safe around, whom I feel I can trust. And while I don't hug them, I do see them as good people whom I can look up to. Truly, I've come a long way.
And yet, I am amazed what damage one man can do. It'll still take me a while before I can completely trust a guy (no offense to any guys out there). But I feel that Christ has done a lot of mending in my life. Not complete, but a work in process. =-) I look forward to seeing what he does next. Will my dad forgive me? I don't know. But I feel like I've done right by God. And it's all up to Him.
As many of you know, since I was 15 I pushed my dad out of my life. I hated him for what he did to me. He cut me deeply in a way that no one has even come close to since. I've been working on forgiving him, and I sent an e-mail to my mom telling her as much. She sent it to him, and she told me that he refused to talk to me because I still believe he abused me.
I wasn't surprised... I mean, I'm used to guys abandoning me (I really need to work on that...). I just accepted it and carried on.
Cue the death of my long-time canine Hunter... and dad e-mails me from out of the blue. He says he's sorry to hear of Hunter's death and has heard I'm on the Dean's List. So... here I am, confused, but kinda hopeful. Might there be a chance for reconciliation? Might forgiveness pay off? Perhaps he just needed some time to think about it?
So I asked him as much. He wrote me this morning saying that our future depended on if I thought he abused me. I said, yes, I did think he abused me but I also told him that I'm willing to talk about it and that I forgive him and that I'd be interested in communicating with him more... I spent the better part of this morning writing my reply to him. Forgiveness and Christ's love were key concepts.
It's in God's hands. However, I'm not hopeful. He made it seem pretty straight forward: believing abuse = no contact. However, I'm not willing to create a relationship built on a lie. He did abuse me. In no way is forcing your daughter to kiss you, holding her down, and molesting her ok. No one should ever be touched like that against their will.
But I believe that I've experienced a lot of healing since those dark days. Believe it or not, I used to hate to be touched at all. If someone tried to hug me I used to put my arm between us. Hard to imagine now, eh? Most of that I owe to Lizzie. But my Milligan friends also really helped me open up. And now a day is not complete without a hug, trust, and love.
And my male professors are the first males who I've felt safe around, whom I feel I can trust. And while I don't hug them, I do see them as good people whom I can look up to. Truly, I've come a long way.
And yet, I am amazed what damage one man can do. It'll still take me a while before I can completely trust a guy (no offense to any guys out there). But I feel that Christ has done a lot of mending in my life. Not complete, but a work in process. =-) I look forward to seeing what he does next. Will my dad forgive me? I don't know. But I feel like I've done right by God. And it's all up to Him.