(no subject)
This is definitely one of those times when there is simply just too much overflowing in your mind, your heart, your soul, your body. And my eyes just want to keep crying - for what reason? I am not entirely sure of. It's just this overwhelming feeling. I just need to get it off of me, out of me, away from me.
I don't know what it is. Got back not too long ago from giving a friend a ride home. I had a little bbq today with a bunch of friends for my birthday which was on thursday. I had such a good time. I even drank a little. I mean little when I say little. I loved my parents and my sisters. They were awesome, everything was good. I'm glad I had this night and day.
I wanted her to stay. I couldn't exactly explain why, not even to myself - especially not to myself. I just did. Was it purely a childish want? Or was there more substance to it? More reason? I don't know! I just did. I just wanted to be with her, and for her to be there.
Driving home in the car, I had a good twenty minutes to myself. And I freaked out. I had a mental breakdown. I was yelling, crying, screaming, fucking sobbing. Snot running down my nostrils, covering my upper lip. It was just that feeling. I know that feeling. It's gut-wrenching. Ties up your insides together and you feel like you're choking. And you're just trying to get it out, and you think that crying will help, or you just hope that you will, and no matter you can't stop. Deep sobs.
I guess maybe I felt that this would happen, and I wanted to her to be there. So that I wouldn't have to be alone? But I didn't know at the time. At the time, I just wanted her to be there without knowing why. Aside from being with her. But now I see that I wanted her to be there so that she could comfort me. And help me not cry and make that feeling go away. But in wanting this so badly and imposing my want on her, I completely disrespected her feelings when she told me that she was tired and not feeling well and wanted to go home. I guess I felt hurt, a lot of longing, and perhaps a lot of scared.
It was a little crazy, you know, because one of the first things my mind jumped to was to cut myself. Some five minutes into it and I suddenly had the thought in my mind. That showed me that in a time of stress and panic I turn to a bad coping mechanism. Not that I didn't know this before, but I hadn't actually seen it happen within myself so clearly.
I think the reason behind my breakdown or whatever you want to call it is all this change that's happening and going to happen. It's completely understandable to me too. I'm leaving soon to Indiana to begin my first year at college. Things are going to change. I don't know all the things that will change, but I know that they will. I think what got me most, and I said it aloud to myself in the car, is that I'm going away to study, to learn, to do stuff, whatever, that there's a purpose and that this is life, real life, and it's not something I can just question the realness of anymore or I don't know, but, that I have to do something, make something, take it on, accept it, believe it, confront it, it's not something I can criticize from the outside anymore and engage when I wanted to, because I'm doing something and going somewhere where I have to be in it all the time, I have to be there, be present, be living and alive, and not in my far off other world in my head. I can't escape.
As you can see this is kind of a stream of consciousness writing. But that's what it is. That's what's in my head right now and I needed to get it out somewhere. I've "freaked" out before, but I feel that this time was very different. There was something more behind it. It had a reason. Maybe it was good that I was by myself to experience it alone? I don't know.
Once I got home I sat in my car for another ten minutes or so. Surprising to myself I calmed myself down. I said to myself, "Bay, it's in moments like these that it is so important to take a step back and let yourself breathe." Because if I don't I get swept up in the chaos that is my emotions and my mind. I have to get myself out of my head, because bad things happen in there sometimes where I'm in too deep or for too long. It was insane. Pulling myself out of that reality and forcing myself back into the real world. The one with my mom and my dad and my sisters and with me going away in a month. This is insane - I only have a month! That flies by so fast. What if I'm not ready? I guess no one's ever ready at the last minute.
Whatever happens, it's not going to be easy. When is it ever, though? Hardly ever.