(no subject)
I need an entry to vent. So if you don't want to hear it then dont read it.
I love skating. I really do. I just dont know what to do. I'm sick of hearing my parents say I don't look good anymore and that I don't try. That i don't have the heart I used to and that I look like I don't have fun anymore. I just need to come home. I miss everything about home. I need Zoe and Heather to coach me, no one else. I could never quit. I love it to much. I just love the feeling I have when I am on the ice. It makes me feel like I'm free. I want to make it so far in skating. I have so many dreams. I just wish my parents could see that I still love it. And I don't know are they right? Do I not like it anymore. Maybe I'm just making myself love it still so that I will make them happy. I don't know. And yea I may have phases where I hate skating. but this isn't the same. I still love it so much. And I want to skate everyday. It's like the one thing in life I'm actually good at. My parents put to much pressure on me and I hate it. I just want them to be like other parents. Like the parents I used to have that would tell me I did good when really I know I really sucked. I miss that so much. Maybe I shouldn't leave home for this long. I need the girls I'm with everyday to help me through it. I just wish my parents knew that I really do still love it as much as I used too. I love competing it makes me happy. And the only thing that can make a bad day good is by having a clean program or landing that hard jump I've been falling on all day. When I skate I don't think about all the things that are going on out of skating. It's all on skating. I wish I could compete all the time. Be in front of a bunch of people and show them what I do. Liberty made me stronger. Just by having a bad program. It made me want to work harder and through my problems because I know I am so much better than what I showed those judges 2 weeks ago. I have to stop blaming my bad skating on my knee and just start working through it all. ok my surgery was nothing big. I'm just using it so people don't think I suck. Before my surgery I was competing so well. I did good at Roseville and Braemar. I just wish that it could be like that all the time. I really do love skating. It's my life and all my friends know that. I can't have pressure on me. Just have fun and do what I did when I was little. I used to get 1st all the time when I was little. I want that back. So I just need to work my butt off and get back to that. Lizzy was one of the main reasons I loved skating the way I did before. She made me so much better in so little time. I need her back. Lizzy pushed me to work but still let me have fun. I think I just need to pretend Lizzy is there again watching me and everything will be better. Dream of winning again, and being able to make bets with my mom at compeitions and always winning them because I got 1st. I miss all that. Skating is my passion and it always will be. I have worked to hard to quit now. and I will keep going until I can't skate anymore.
love, Amanda