mind of Lopez
I was trying out lj cuts. There used to be one that would actually chop the text so you can write what you want. It saves room on a post. Basically i view this as a place to vent. Like punching a wall only i kick out a post. Anger and depression arn't my usual qualities. im a very chill guy. Sometimes it just gets to much to bare and i pop. I won't respond to comments left because again this is like the little voices in my head talking. Lately it's been difficult to stay focused on something.
And me being as ambitious as i am i tend to think on a grand scale then much more on a realistic one. I hardly talk about myself. I feel like there isn't much to talk about. I usually like letting other people talk if it makes them more comfortable. I don't like to brag. I don't talk shit. (usually) I generally censor myself and try to look out for the other person's feelings instead of my own or my own interests. I like teams. I like feeling like I belong to something. I like accomplishments. I hardly like my family I think Drea probably understands me most. ( she's the coolest one by the way. ) I am a man that does. I don't wait around for things to happen. But usually what happens is i push and no one else does anything. It seems like it just sits because now i did my part and im waiting on someone else to finish theirs.
Friends are important. I like being around people I know because I'm a little weird. ( today for example I was hooting at pigeons in front of a building and some hot girl walked in to the place we were working at and I was embarrassed but whatever ) Fun is relative I think. I havn't been able to have fun for a while. Music I get frusterated because I want to learn and I feel like know most things about my instrument. the rest i have to learn from instruction. I don't like teaching. little kids creep me out. midgets are cool. im down with ethnicities. im not confrontational unless someone pushes my buttons then i'll flip and beat the shit out of them. Thats what I think anyways. In case your wondering what that blank focused stare means.
I dream, I think of ideas that I never use. I think of commcerials, inventions, saving the world. Im lost because I'm 23 and I havn't accomplished anything I've ever set out to do. I feel like no one takes me serious and approaches me with the mentality of a child. I decided why believe in my country what does that do. It still doesn't give me a purpose. God is there. I would really love to believe in god but sometimes its a real challenge to ask myself on faith alone. I've prayed I've meditated. No one talks to me. The bible is just a story a collection based on events. Church is phony. My pastor ran away with some woman how am i supposed to believe the dude when he says yes salvation is for you. I know we're people and we make mistakes but they are community leaders.
I've thought of people i'd like to kill and it just wouldn't bother me. I think of switching lanes into a car just to see what happens. I don't because its obvious why not to. I have enormous self control. ( except over spending money.) I can hold my tounge when all I want to do is say bad things about you. I hold open doors for people, im polite, im not an asshole unless someone is to me. i do get defensive but only when i feel like i've been wronged. I hate verbal attacks more then physical ones. I havn't learned how to make a joke if someone's making fun of me. Im a bit sensative. I tend to blow up casual conversation.
I LOVE TO DINE OUT. I live for it. That's one of the few things I enjoy doing with excitement of a 5 year old in a candy store. Food is like physical therapy. I like the atmosphere of restaurants. I like being waited on. I like feeling like for 45 minutes I matter to someone even if it's for a 3 dollar tip. I like being called sir. I hate being called "buddy" every time i hear it i want to bitchslap the person who said it. I hate being treated like im in capable of doing something. I hate when people write me off before they know what im capable of. I AM an adult but I don't feel like one.
Sometimes I feel like im a spec of dust in the giant vacuum of space. I want to receive email, I want to recieve phone calls. I want people to say hello to me. I love hugs. Smiles are amazing therapy. One smile can turn my shit day into a ray of sunshine. I hate that im mexican in the united states. I hate that my last name is lopez its so generic that im like bob friggin smith. i feel like another number. (Sidebar: I hate fucking REBELDE)
I wanted to be an officer but I decided my country ain't worth dying for when the citizens themselves don't even care about the force anyways. How can I go to work in the morning knowing the people im protecting dont care. I wanted to be in the army but same rule applies. I like computers but Im not adept enough in them as some people are. Im a hell of a typist. 85 wpm at 92% accuracy.
(Another thing Mike dogged me on "secretaries arnt really needed" FU man I type your shit all the time) yet every chance he gets he brags about me. I want to do a job that matters and i will get appreciated for. Not money. I just want someone to come up to me and say hey good job or thanks for doing that. I dont want to be the neglected " where's my stapler" guy. Im tired of feeling like I get pushed around. I want to make something of it.