Hitched
Mary wrote this account of our marriage, with my added commentary. It's pretty long, so it's behind the cut...
Amy and I got hitched Mon, Feb 16th 2004 at approximately 1:00 PM. It was a grand day. One of the most fantastic days of my life if not the most fantastic. Well, it was also one of the most miserable.
Amy and I waited out in the rain overnight in line to get into city hall. We lined up on Sunday night at about 11:30. It was sprinkling then. We got in line with our sleeping bag, 2 little umbrellas, 2 camping chairs, and a quasi-tarp. It started raining harder and within about an hour, maybe even not that long, Amy went in search of our car to get the other sleeping bag we had. She came back and we pitifully huddled up. The problem was, we couldn't really huddle, and there were drafts galore so we could never get warm. I also had to hold the umbrellas while Amy made sure the tarp stayed over our sleeping bags. This guaranteed that our hands stayed cold. Within 3 hours, everything was completely soaked through, the tarp, 2 sleeping bags, my purse and Amy's messenger bag, all of their contents, and our clothes. We were freezing. And, the rain came down harder and harder as a nasty wind joined with it.
Across the street, there were two homeless people sleeping on a small stoop. Sad thing was, they were warmer and dryer than we were. They were under an awning and their stoop was a few inches above the ground so the rain water went right by. That wasn't the case for us.
Next to the homeless men were two loaded grocery carts with tarps covering each one. One held much more than the other. Midway through the night, a woman came by holding an umbrella. She was smoking a cigarette and seemed normal enough until she started rifling through the cart with the lesser contents. Not finding anything, she moved onto the bigger one. I couldn't believe she was doing that and expressed to Amy my disbelief. Then, because the woman couldn't hold the cigarette and the umbrella and manage to get underneath the tarp of the cart with the most content, all at the same, she STOLE the cart. She just off and pushed it down the street, around the corner. I made some comment like, "She stole that man's cart!" in the most incredulous voice I could muster. I couldn't believe that someone would do that. I felt so wronged on behalf of the homeless guy. I would assume that the homeless man didn't have too many scruples of his own and looked rather nasty so I'm not sure why I had so much empathy for him.
Amy made fun of me at the time and still does if I mention it. "How can you be concerned with someone taking off with his cart when we're downtown in San Francisco, at 3:30 in the morning, sitting here in the rain, freezing our asses off?!" Legitimate enough of a question. How could I, indeed?
There were others concerned for our well-being, though. Throughout the night, particularly from 11:30 PM to about 2:00 AM strangers, both straight and gay, came offering hot chocolate, oatmeal, cookies, Krispy Kreme, pizza, and alcohol to make our sit-in more bearable. The kindness and generosity warmed our hearts but it didn't make us feel our toes any better. We'd stopped feeling them and every other body part between 12:30 and 1:00.
Did I mention that we were sitting in puddles of water? We had managed to make a mock shelter with our umbrellas but they were so small that they didn't get our sides. Water filled up so that our entire pelvic regions were numb. In fact, we had both needed to go to the bathroom starting around 3:00 AM but became numb and held it.
There were two outhouses that were placed at the end of the street. Those were new. Amy and I had been to City Hall on Saturday AND Sunday and they weren't there. Out of generosity, the city placed them there for us.
Anyhow, back to feeling numb...Amy and I didn't want to find out what time it was for fear that the night was moving as slow as it felt.
Our neighbor, Kevin, who was sitting next to us (behind us, rather) was fairing even worse. His partner, James, is 71 years old and Kevin, being much younger (40ish), was braving the elements to hold a place in line for their nuptials. We could tell they weren't the outback type, however, by evidence of Kevin's scrawny camping chair (which broke about 3 times in the night until it was on the ground, literally). He did have a much bigger umbrella than us, though, and an actual winter coat. Amy and I just had a sweater and a light jacket.
Backing up for a moment, when Amy retrieved our second sleeping bag from the car, she also pulled out a bag of clothes we'd been meaning to donate to some charity. The six months we'd had it in our trunk we didn't find a charity worthy enough until that night. It consisted of a few sweaters and sweatshirts and the ponchos de hideous that Amy's mom had given us when Amy first came out here. Amy was very generous and handed the desperately wanted extra clothing to strangers in the line. One sweatshirt she managed to save for Kevin and one she saved for herself. Add layer number 3 to her outfit. I passed on an extra layer. I was too frozen to lift my arms to get a new one on.
Did I mention that we had two bitchy lesbians right next to us? You would think it would have been Kevin that we wouldn't have bonded with but Nooooooooooo. The female couple was in front of us and they were as cold as the night felt. They, unlike Kevin, were campers. We could tell this by their giant umbrellas, their reclining camping chairs, and their Nanook of the North jackets and hiking boots. We placed them in their late 40s or 50s.
See, the reason we were all lined up so early in the night, was not because we like torture, but because San Francisco decreed that it would marry the first 400 couples that arrived to City Hall, first come, first served. Most of us thought that this was our last chance to get married so that's why we were going to this extreme.
Anyway, about 30 minutes after we got settled, 2 of the couples friends arrived and they asked if they could get in line with the women in front of us. First of all, we didn't think that was our call, second of all, we didn't know what place in line we were. We figured that people would be cutting in line and that others would be holding places, and we didn't want some couple who had legitimately lined up to end up being the 401st couple in line because these 2 new women jumped ahead. Well, our silence at their question of asking us if it was okay, screamed to them, "No, bitch!" and they were pissy for the rest of the night. Their friends took their place in the back of the line where they belonged.
Amy and I finally managed the courage to take a look at the time and found it was only 3:30 AM! My God! That made every hardship 20 times worse. By 4:00, we were panicking, seriously. I think we both had hypothermia. If not hypothermia, very close to it. I called my mom at 4:04, calling in the backup. Strangely enough, she picked up on the first ring, wide awake. Thankfully, I'd caught her on a late night pee break. I pitifully asked her if she could bring us dry socks, jackets, anything that would make us warm. Maybe it was my voice shaking or my teeth chattering or the rain pounding the ground or the moans coming from Amy, that made my mom almost panic herself. She wanted to be there for us but she was 85 miles away in Sacramento. She also wanted her friend, Sheri, to come see our ceremony that day and didn't want to wake her up too early. What to do? What to do?!
She decided the best plan of attack was to call Sheri at 5:00 AM, even that being too early, but within a sliver of reason. In the meantime, she would pack up the jeep with blankets, dry clothes, and coffee. She told us to just hold on and they'd be there.
Around 4:45 Amy and I couldn't take it anymore. We were too damn cold and we decided we'd be warmer trying to find a place that was open than to huddle in our chairs covered with soaking wet, cold sleeping bags. Kevin was gracious enough to watch our stuff and hold our place.
We walked a few downtown San Francisco blocks looking for any lights shining from the windows. McDonalds wasn't even open yet. We started to really lose it. We were now groaning loudly with each step. We weren't doing it for effect, we were doing it because we couldn't help it. We were freezing so badly and the wind was picking up even worse, turning our umbrellas inside out.
We finally came across a gas station several blocks away but they were closed, too, despite their appearance. Mom called us just about then to check on us. Apparently, I was talking nonsense and mom told me she thought I had hypothermia and to go to our car and warm up. Good plan. She also let me know that she'd called Sheri and they would be leaving around 5:30 or 6:00 which seemed like an eternity away. We headed back to our car, another several blocks from us. Our groaning got worse with each step. We were almost crying.
My little blue Jetta in the distance shone like a beacon. I think a church choir sang "Ahhhhhhhhhh" in the background, and broke into "Hallelujah". We creaked into our car. Did I tell you how bad it feels to wear soaking wet jeans? It's the ickiest feeling. We both had to pee like a racehorse by that point, as well. We turned on the car and cranked up the heat. I took my shoes off and placed my socks over the heater. We both let out continuous burrs and shrieks as we thawed.
Mom was smart enough to insist that we take the Folgers coffee plastic container with us in case we needed it as a back up pee bucket. Who would of thought we'd need it? Amy went first and stepped out of the car. She held open her door so it could act as a privacy wall. She pulled down her sticky jeans and peed right there in plain sight of anyone who wanted to see such a spectacle.
I, being a little more modest, pulled my jeans down in the car and placed it underneath me. What should have taken 15 seconds took about 3 minutes because it trickled out of me. Honestly, I couldn't tell where the wetness on my ass ended and the pee began. By that point, I didn't really care.
We dumped out the pee and enjoyed warming up in the car...with our pants up. Nice visual, huh?
We stayed in the car for about 25 minutes then decided to trek back. We felt bad for Kevin and knew we had to get back in line. Getting out of the car was almost worse than when we got in it. We were still soaking wet, the wind was biting, and we were reminded how bitter cold it was. Oh, I know! Walking in wet jeans is like having a crap in your pants. You move your legs very slowly forward and none of it feels good.
We got back to line to discover that Kevin needed to go to the bathroom and had been holding it all night. He didn't know about the portopotties at the end of the block. Poor guy!
He then excused himself while we held his place.
By about that point it was about 5:50 and I was praying to the sun for it to come out. Maybe then it would warm up a little. It didn't come out. Not until much later.
Amy sat back in her chair, I stood. I thought moving around a bit would be warmer.
Amy huddled there for about 30 minutes then decided to stand with me. Any thoughts of being warmer were a hopeless cause anyway.
There was no sign of the sun but, around 6 AM, a whole new slew of strangers trickled in offering hot coffee, donuts, pastries, orange juice, towels and more. God love 'em! They were wonderful. Amy and I took the towels and used them as hand warmers. They couldn't dry us off since it was still raining and windy, and they were just the size of dish towels, but they were the best thing by far.
Mom called at that point to say that they were on their way. I estimated that they would arrive by 7:30 or 8:00, hopefully, 7:30.
We stood in line shivering and shaking as the sun came up. Well, technically, it was up some where. We couldn’t see it because the clouds covering our heads were a blanket of gray. It was a lighter, brighter blanket of gray than before, though.
People were murmuring that they hoped they’d open the doors sooner than 10:00 AM but, really, no one knew what the real plan was. It was stand in line until they come get us.
I figured that I would need to call my boss around 7:30. I decided to call Dion, figuring he was the more important to tell of my two bosses and easier to get a hold of. I wasn’t out at work except to a few people so I wondered how this would go. I was shaking from the cold and a little from nervousness but called him on his cell phone.
He picked up and I told him I wouldn’t be able to come into work that day. “Oh?” he asked in a somewhat disapproving tone. I could hear his head asking, “What possible excuse could she have?” I then said, “I’m stuck in San Francisco trying to get married”. He immediately perked up and said, “Really?! I saw that on the news! Cool! Congratulations! Okay, that’s fine. Congratulations!” He was so cool about it. I explained a bit more but then hung up knowing my boss was good with me taking the day off. Phew!
Soon after that, maybe 7:45 or 8:00, they asked us to compress the line. In other words, ditch our camping setups and line up single file. We moved up an entire block. We didn’t have time to grab our stuff, nor did we really want to, since it was heavy and soaking wet. We decided to leave it and come back for it later. Besides, everyone else had to forfeit packing their stuff, too. It looked like the day after Woodstock ended with all of the belongings strewn about on the pavement and grass.
Then, a man came around yelling the message that they would open the doors early to get as much of us out of the rain as possible. The message we’d been waiting to hear all night. Woohoo! He said they would open the doors within the next 90 minutes.
Another guy then came around shortly after that and said they would open the doors in 10 or 15 minutes and that, once you were inside, there was no going in and out. Oh no! Going into the building in the next 10 minutes and mom wasn’t there! And, Kevin’s partner wasn’t there, either!
I called mom on the cell phone right away. She was on the Bay Bridge! Great! That was 10-15 minutes away from where we were. I knew this since this was our third time there in 3 days. I’ll explain later.
I stuffed the cell phone back in my pocket, then realized, that I hadn’t seen Kevin reach for a cell phone the entire night to communicate with his betrothed, James. I offered him my phone to call him. He accepted gratefully and called him, getting the message machine. “James! I’m standing here in line and we’re going in soon. If you’re not here in 15 minutes, I’ll have to find someone else to marry!”
Fifteen minutes then passed with no sight of Mom or James. Luckily, and unluckily, the line hadn’t moved yet. There were, however, more people handing out coffee and breakfast foods. Wonderful people!
Amy and I, by the way, never took the coffee. We’re not coffee drinkers. The sentiment was great, though.
I called mom again and asked where she was. She said she’d missed the exit and was turning back around. Argh!
The three of us were standing there warring with our emotions; we were praying to be let inside to get shelter but we didn’t have our family members, or in Kevin’s case, partner with us yet. It would’ve been a hellish experience to have sacrificed the whole night to not have it go as planned.
Another 10 minutes went by and I called mom. She was somewhere near but didn’t know where to park. She handed the phone off to Sheri who took my instructions. Fortunately, they were about 2 blocks from where they needed to be so the timing was great. They parked and told us they’d be with us in 5 minutes. I told them to hurry.
I think another 15 minutes went by and FINALLY they showed up bearing luxuriously warm and heavy jackets. Why didn’t we take those in the first place?! We put them on as best we could but needed help since we couldn’t move our arms.
Did I mention that Amy and I were seriously handicapped at this point? Seriously! We couldn’t move our legs or arms! Every joint ached. Even walking was difficult. We took little baby steps instead of strides. Thankfully, the line moved so slowly that baby steps were all we could take. We actually wouldn’t get our feeling back for several hours.
Sheri and mom were so excited. They also had their maternal instincts come out and they both were doing anything they could to make us feel better. They were clucky and exclaiming things like, “Oh my god, you poor things!”, “You’re soaking wet!”, “You’re freezing, you’re going to get hypothermia.” It was nice after a harsh night.
Sheri was really taken aback by the generosity of those around us that were offering food, coffee, and support. She got teary several times. Mom was caught up in it, too, and both were so excited to be there, “making history”.
One thing I really want to point out is that there was no negativity at all through the whole experience. People weren’t there out of spite or anger, they were there out of love and commitment. I’ve never been around that energy before, not in church, not in a seminar, not at a conference. It was purely unique and individual to this experience. It was hard not to feel elated. It was a big love fest and an injection of joy.
The only protestor that we encountered the entire time showed up at that point. He held a thick, heavy bible and told us that we needed to be saved and come to Jesus.
One of the snippy lesbians that was with us for the night, and that was now behind us so they could be with their friends, spoke up and said, “I’m a minister. buddy! I know Jesus!” He moved on down the line and got similar rebuttals.
The line now started to move and the air became even more festive. People were getting punchy and excited, except for Kevin. James still wasn’t there! It was now past 9:00 and the line moved fairly consistently forward.
In front of City Hall is a statue of Abraham Lincoln sitting in a chair. This statue is a symbol for tolerance used during the civil rights movement and it was being used now. Someone had stuck a protest sign in the arch of Abraham’s arm saying “We all deserve the freedom to marry”.
The two gentlemen that were in front of us were really exhibitionists. The younger of the two climbed up on Lincoln and sat in his lap to do a photo op. Very funny! He kissed Abraham’s cheek and put his arms around his neck.
Around this time, we saw an older Irish gentleman, looking a little bit lost. “James!” Kevin was ecstatic in his stoic scholarly way. We all cheered at his arrival. James was taken aback a bit and held the expression of “What did I miss?”
We moved closer to the front door of city hall and James and Kevin started singing an Irish folk song in harmony. Kevin then told us that James had married people for years, because he was a minister, but he was never able to get married himself. Ironic.
Along came a very kind lady who handed out flowers. We took the pinkish/purple daisies, gratefully. We each had our “bouquet” which consisted of a few flowers each.
We then got to the front steps of City Hall. Wonderful! Only, we couldn’t lift our legs to move up them. Not wonderful. I felt like if someone knocked me hard enough, I would shatter.
As we mounted the steps the two guys in front of us, one of whom had posed with Honest Abe earlier, asked us to take a picture of them with their video camera. Amy held the camera as they narrated their journey up the steps, then they insisted on getting a quick video of us, asking our names and how long we’d been together. They thanked us profusely then pranced into City Hall. They were also gracious enough to say that we looked beautiful on our wedding day.
There were a slew of volunteers everywhere. One of them, in particular, was a faux lesbian wearing a red beret. Not quite raspberry. She asked the two guys in front of us, the ones who said we were beautiful, if they had a witness. They said they didn’t so she said she would be their witness and the younger one erupted in joy.
The red beret lady was a nice asset to have because she knew the procedure for everything and directed us all the way to the big room where the paperwork was processed. But, I’m getting ahead of myself.
Upon entry into City Hall, we were escorted through X-ray machines; the same ones you’d find in an airport. We made it through without a problem.
Our line weaved through the halls of the building, up stairs, down stairs, through a gigantic room with high ceilings, to small corridors. We were entertained through all of this by the red beret lady who told us she’d been protesting on “National Freedom to Marry Day” for the past 5 years. She said that, this year, she was with the group of people who all came to get their marriage licenses expecting to be turned away, only this year they were told “Okay!” instead of go home. People were flustered but excited and she said they spent the day trying to figure out where to go because none of them had ever done that before and the personnel wasn’t organized like they were on our eventful day. She said that no one that day was in a bad mood despite the confusion. It was a lot like being at the DMV being told, no you’re in the wrong line, go to this other line, only to get to that line and be told to go elsewhere. That’s another factor I forgot to mention that we all had that day, patience. Even Amy.
I think, in general, everyone was so excited and grateful to be getting married that rain, cold, confusion, and long lines had no impact.
While we were in line, we were filling out “The Blue Form”. This was the form where we put our information and our family info. I was “The Groom”, Amy was “The Bride”. We were told, “Don’t alter anything on this form! Don’t cross anything out!” We learned later that those who did cross out “Bride” and wrote “Groom” instead and vice-versa were considered null and void because they had altered a state form. What a pisser! Go through all of that and one line crossing and scribble cancelled out your marriage. Luckily, we didn’t do that.
We were handed a number “153” signifying that we were the 153rd couple to have entered their doors that day. Awesome!
Several volunteers came through to sign off on our form. We had 3 people initial it in all, verifying that we were who we claimed to be and that we’d filled everything out correctly.
We finally came to a large room that was loaded with people. This was the paperwork room. Another woman, sitting behind a table, looked over our paperwork once more then directed us to stand in the middle line to our left. Unfortunately, the middle line didn’t move for at least 30 minutes. Mabel Teng, who was situated behind us, even started and ended her press conference before we moved. Amy and I finally went to another part of the room, while Mom and Sheri held our place, to find out if we were in the right line. We found Kevin and James who had already completed the process we needed to do and the snippy lesbians were completed, too. What happened?! We were out of place and way behind. We should have stuck with the red beret lady because she found the yellow jacket man who got things rolling for them. Damn!
We went back to our place in line and it finally started to move. We eventually got to the front where a very kind woman took our form and typed our info into her computer. Her name was Mary. She asked us to verify all of the info and thanked us for getting married. Thanked US! We then thanked her for being there in the first place. That was another thing, everyone that worked there thanked us for being there and kept encouraging us. But, the staff and volunteers there were all working through a 3 day holiday with no pay. And, they couldn’t be cheerier. Remarkable.
It was here that mom got a picture of Amy and I standing against the counter, showing our wet asses. Got to remember to thank her for that.
We paid Mary the $82 dollars. She told us to wait for our names to be called.
We backed up and hung out with mom and Sheri who were now sitting among a group of people. It was a set of young heterosexuals couples who were there to support their two lesbian friends that were marrying each other. One young man introduced himself to mom and Sheri thinking that they were a part of the crew supporting the two ladies. Their friends started laughing at him and one cried, “I got that on tape!”
One of these young lesbians getting married then received a series of phone calls on her cell phone. “Oh, shit!” she said. “I just got 5 calls from my parents. Not a good way for them to find out!” We all laughed. Apparently, the press conference that Mabel Teng just held caught the two on tape…a live feed that was sent to CNN, NBC, and all of the major networks. This young couple was Anne-Marie and Brittany McMartin if you saw them on CNN’s front page. They were the ones that got married in matching pajamas and Gap sweatshirts.
We were then called and went to the new counter. We had our paperwork printed out on a form and we had to check it for mistakes. We discovered that Amy needed to put Hedrick down as her birth name instead of Graham. The lady looked a little flustered but said she would take care of it but we’d have to wait another 10-30 minutes. Greeeeat.
We hung back and waited once more for our name to be called. We matched up with Kevin and James here because they kept putting that James was born in Israel instead of Ireland.
Again, we were called and this time it was correct. We were then told to wait again for our names to be called.
We waited some more.
We then were called to go back to the desk and were asked to raise our right hands and swear that everything was correct to the best of our knowledge. We confirmed that and were given our affidavits to sign. Unfortunately, the lady told me to sign in the wrong spot. “Sign here” was the Witness box, not the Applicant box. Oops. We all were flustered again and then the lady said not to worry about it just to line through it and have the witness sign above it. We were then told we could get married and we were directed to the rotunda. Wow, we were really getting married.
We walked out to the rotunda where there was a huge line. Not again! This line moved, though! Within minutes, we were at the front.
As a side note, when Amy imagined our wedding, she had always pictured me with flowers in my hair. Instead of holding the daisies for our bouquets, we each broke off a flower and tucked it behind our ear. We were ready.
We saw about 12-15 couples being married throughout the room, on the steps, on balconies, at the top of the steps. We were told to go to the top of the steps. Steps! Groan! Big steps! Our joints were working a little smoother now so we made it to the top without mom and Sheri having to carry or support us, like they had done before. In our opinion, we think this was the best place to be married. We got the best view and it was like we were the only ones there because everyone was lower than us, down on the steps, or way off to the sides.
Robert Ortega was our officiant. He couldn’t have been cheerier and more positive. He was awesome and very sincere. Amy and I stood in front of him and clasped hands. He then asked, which direction do you want to face? We decided that we wanted to look out over the room (more picturesque), so we switched places. He then started the 1 minute ceremony. I, being the groom, went first, saying I, Mary Nelsen, take Amy Graham to be my spouse for life, for better or worse, in sickness and health, richer or poorer, so long as we both shall live. Then Amy took her turn, we exchanged rings, and were declared spouses for life. He didn’t say, “You may kiss” so we took it upon ourselves. Doing so, I knocked the flower out of my hair. Mom managed to get a blurry picture of our kiss. It was that good.
Mom and Sheri, Amy and I were very happy. Robert finished signing our paperwork and we were directed back down the stairs back to the paperwork room. There, I found a guy to take our paperwork to get it processed. It seems we skipped the line a bit and got in on the action before we were supposed to. We then went to a new line, paid our $13 for a copy of our license and were told to wait on the other side of the room. Mom and Sheri waited outside of the room in the front hall (because they weren’t allowed in this room any longer, it was too full and declared a fire hazard). We were told this was another 30-60 minute process.
However, in about 15-20 minutes, our name was called and we grabbed our marriage license. We were official.
We found mom and Sheri and went out the front door. Ironically enough, we were greeted with a Mariachi band! Could it get any better?! There were hundreds of people outside the door. Amy and I lifted our held hands in the air and they cheered. People threw rice and cried, “Congratulations!” It was an awesome exit!
I was telling Amy that this was the very best way to get married. I never wanted a big event when getting married. I’d always imagined being married but never imagined the ceremony that would get me there. When we were officially engaged on New Years Eve 2003, we decided that it would be best to have a reception of some kind as a celebration of our union, but that our formation of the union would be exchanging our own private vows and filling out domestic partner paperwork. Not very romantic, but it worked for me. Though Amy agreed to this, she did express that she preferred exchanging vows and doing the ceremony. This was the best of both worlds.
The event allowed us to have a marriage ceremony, and an exchange of vows, but we weren’t the central focus. Yet, it still had a very intimate feel to it. It managed to produce the ceremony that Amy desired and the anonymity that I wished for.
Also, we joked, that, unlike everyone else’s wedding we’d ever attended, we only paid $95, got free food, free music, free flowers, and every single person there genuinely was ecstatic, supportive, and proud of our union. It seems that every wedding we’ve been a part of, there’s been a segment of the attendees who, though happy that their friends were getting married, also would have preferred spending their day doing something else. That wasn’t like our wedding. Having a thousand strangers wish us the best and being there because they wanted to be, not because they felt it was their duty, somehow seemed even more special than those we knew wishing that for us and, even partially, wanting to be elsewhere.
After the event, we were finally able to get into dry clothes. Though it had been 3 hours since we entered the warm and dry City Hall building, our clothes were still soaking wet and we were still cold. Amy and I had a set of dry clothes in the car so we grabbed those and headed to California Pizza Kitchen for our “reception”. We changed in the bathroom and it felt incredible. I’ve never been so happy to be out of the cold. It felt especially good to have on dry socks. Wet feet just make experiences all the more miserable. I had an extra set of dry shoes but Amy didn’t. She kept her shoes off as we ate our meal.
While our food was being made, Amy decided to call her family and tell them the “happy news”. She had joked earlier that we would get an awesome wedding gift because her grandparents would die upon hearing the news and she’d get her inheritance early. Her nana took the news as well as being told that she was running off to be a Hare Krishna. In fact, her nana asked if our marriage ceremony was like the Moonies. Amy clarified that, no, that wasn’t what it was like, but, as of this writing, her Nana still tells people, “She got married in a mass ceremony just like the Moonies”.
I called my brother and told him the news. He was ecstatic and very proud of us. We also called Cheryl, of Cathy and Cheryl. Cheryl was shocked and happy for the both of us. Cathy would call later in a frenzied state asking what and how it happened.
We finished our meal, got in our cars, and drove by City Hall again. We had some rose petals in a bag so we threw them out the window and honked at the people in line. We rounded the corner to pick up our stuff but it wasn't there. The whole sidewalk area had been picked clean. We lost our sleeping bags, tarp, chairs, and a J-Crew sweater. Oh, well.
We made the trek home, and promptly fell fast asleep. That was our February 16th wedding day.
If you’re asking, “Just how did they decide to go up there and get married?”, here’s your answer.
On Friday morning, Amy’s ex-boss, Kelli, forwarded her a CNN article about San Francisco marrying Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon and performing same-sex marriages since Thursday. Amy forwarded me the article and jokingly asked if I wanted to go up there for Valentine’s Day weekend and get married. I replied, “We’ll see.” and both of us dropped the issue.
That night we went to Sharky’s and Starbucks, our usual wild and crazy start to the weekend, darn our partying hides, but we both felt restless. We had no plans for the holiday weekend and, after years of shitty Valentine’s Days for both of us, we were not looking forward to another one. We decided to go home early. We walked through the door at 8:30.
Within a couple of minutes mom called to ask if we’d heard about what was going on in San Francisco. I relayed the information that I knew, then she joked, “Are you guys going to come up and get married?” I think she was semi-hoping we would because dad was out of town (Coyote hunting) and she was spending Valentines by herself. While we had her on the phone we went to City Hall’s website to see what was going on. All that it said was that they would be performing ceremonies on Valentine’s Day for the first time ever and that you needed to have your marriage license or domestic partnership by the end of the business day on Friday the thirteenth (dun dun dun). We were too late! A part of us felt let down. After an hour or so of going back and forth between me, Amy and mom I declared that we could just go up there to see what was going on, support those that were getting married, keep mom company for the weekend and attempt to have plans for Valentine’s Day. Besides, this was history in the making!
It was ten o’clock when Amy started packing our suitcase and 10:30 when we hit the road. Unfortunately, since she didn’t have her usual two weeks notice, Amy’s packing skills faltered and she forgot to pack panties and socks. As a result I got married in a borrowed (new) pair of mom’s underwear and Amy went commando.
Another unfortunate thing was that my Jetta’s catalytic converter was on the fritz. Not only did I learn later that this is extremely dangerous and can result in blowing up our car, but we couldn’t go faster than 70 miles an hour. The further we got, the less power we had. When we finished our 400 mile journey, pulling into Sacramento at 5:00 in the morning, we could only go 65 mph max. This was accompanied by a low whine and a resistance on the acceleration pedal.
Amy and I collapsed, literally, into bed and had the plan to wake around 10:00 to get to San Francisco to see the events.
Mom was gracious enough to take my car to the shop Saturday morning to get it fixed while we slept. It turned out that it was only a hose that had come loose and that it was in fine shape. All right! (Not all right, actually. After our marriage ceremony and our attempt to drive back to LA, our car acted up again. We turned back around after 20 miles and the next day, Tuesday, - another day off of work - we learned that it really was the catalytic converter). But, anyway, that Saturday morning...
Mom woke us up right on time. Groan! And, with that, we headed to San Francisco!
On the way, mom bought tickets to a Margaret Cho comedy appearance at the Punch Line, a local comedy club in Sacramento.
Woohoo! What a wild Valentine’s Day. We were excited!
We got to San Francisco around 1:30 since we had showered, dressed, stopped to pick up lunch, and get our obligatory Starbucks fix along the way. We found a parking meter and followed any gay looking people towards City Hall. It was an awesome sight!
There were hundreds of people in line and another group of people in front of City Hall with signs and shouting support. Someone was handing out roses to those that were just married. It was so amazing to see. It really did feel like we were witnessing a significant event in history.
Many people asked if we were getting married and we said, “No”. They said congratulations anyway. After an hour of watching the event, we went back to the car. We debated whether we should go or stay and watch some more. We were passive participants and felt like we’d seen most of it. Something in me told us we should stay so we clunked more quarters in the parking meter and walked back. We decided to follow the line of couples to the back to see how long, or short, the line now was.
At the end of the line, stood a big, burly cop. He was telling people that it was 3:30 and no one else could get in the line. BUT, they could come back tomorrow, first thing, and they could be married.
They were doing ceremonies on Sunday! We kept our ears open to the questions that others were asking him. He mentioned something about getting it all done at one time. We weren’t sure if we heard right so Amy asked him, specifically, if we didn’t have a marriage license or a domestic partnership, could we get married on Sunday? He said, yes. On Sunday, they’d issue the licenses AND marry people. Though he was a big scary looking guy, he was smiling the whole time and was so sweet. He was being asked the same questions over and over but he was patient as could be and had a smile on his face the whole time, showing that he was proud of his city and happy about the event.
Mom and Amy asked what we should do. I said, “It looks like we’re getting married.” As if on cue, Amy and mom freaked out, screamed and jumped up and down. The entire way home. Then, they both insisted that we go to the mall to get the proper attire for the event. Personally, I wanted to get married in jeans and comfortable clothes. Most everyone else didn’t dress up. Amy and mom preferred getting married in a dress, though, so we went on a hunt. We had about 2 hours to do the search so it was about as frenzied as could be. We went through every store and ended up at the very last store which was Macy’s. We found the dresses we wanted. Amy picked out a purple dress with a train, I picked out a matching burgundy dress with the train. Then, it was onto the shoes. I was looking for a small, appropriate pump, Amy wasn’t looking for anything. She wanted to get married in her Lands End all weather moccasins. She didn’t want to stand in line for several hours in high heeled shoes! At this point, reality set in on Amy. Standing around in a dress might be a little awkward. Actually, standing around in a dress, for hours, in impractical shoes, as everyone else was dressed down in comfy clothes, seemed completely unappealing. It was at that point that we decided to stick to the original plan of getting married in the clothes we brought with us; jeans, shirts, and comfy shoes.
When Amy had her realization and we’d decided on sticking to comfort, I had already found my shoes for the dress and mom was off buying everything. She was disappointed at our decision but we said we’d take pictures of ourselves in the dresses after the ceremony and then return everything, thereby having nice pics without the cost! Good enough!
We then high-tailed it to the Punch Line, waited in line to get a good seat, and saw Margaret Cho. She was very funny, as usual, but Sacramento isn’t the best place for her humor. Sacramento is considered a bible belt for those of you who don’t know.
We were in bed by 1:00 AM and needed to get up by 5:00 to head out to San Francisco. Argh!
We were up at the butt crack of dawn but we were excited. It was Sunday, February 15th and it was our wedding day!
We drove to San Francisco, getting there around 9:00. The line already wrapped around 2 blocks. We stood there for about 2 hours when we were told to go home. They’d already had more couples than they could handle for the day. They couldn’t marry anymore couples. There had been so many people left over from Saturday (320 couples to be exact) that they were only issuing 80 new licenses for the day.
The announcer said that they would perform ceremonies on Monday to the first 400 couples in line. It was first come, first serve.
Amy was heart broken. She asked what we should do. At that point, she was thinking we couldn’t get married and that we’d missed our chance. I had to work on Monday and we needed to get back to Los Angeles. I surprised her by saying, “Well, I guess we’ll come back early in the morning and get married”. She perked up and asked if I was serious. What about work? I told her that we could come early, around 2:00 AM. If the line was too long, we’d drive back to LA and I’d go to work. If not, then we’d line up and my bosses would just need to understand (hopefully). Amy was ecstatic and declared, “Let’s be here by midnight!”
So, we went home, ate a very unappetizing meal at Macaroni Grill, went home and slept several hours to prep for our late night, woke up around 6:00 PM, watched the L Word, and headed to San Francisco yet again around 9:00 PM. We arrived to the city about 11:00 and we were in line by 11:30. Go to the top to read the rest!
Amy and I got hitched Mon, Feb 16th 2004 at approximately 1:00 PM. It was a grand day. One of the most fantastic days of my life if not the most fantastic. Well, it was also one of the most miserable.
Amy and I waited out in the rain overnight in line to get into city hall. We lined up on Sunday night at about 11:30. It was sprinkling then. We got in line with our sleeping bag, 2 little umbrellas, 2 camping chairs, and a quasi-tarp. It started raining harder and within about an hour, maybe even not that long, Amy went in search of our car to get the other sleeping bag we had. She came back and we pitifully huddled up. The problem was, we couldn't really huddle, and there were drafts galore so we could never get warm. I also had to hold the umbrellas while Amy made sure the tarp stayed over our sleeping bags. This guaranteed that our hands stayed cold. Within 3 hours, everything was completely soaked through, the tarp, 2 sleeping bags, my purse and Amy's messenger bag, all of their contents, and our clothes. We were freezing. And, the rain came down harder and harder as a nasty wind joined with it.
Across the street, there were two homeless people sleeping on a small stoop. Sad thing was, they were warmer and dryer than we were. They were under an awning and their stoop was a few inches above the ground so the rain water went right by. That wasn't the case for us.
Next to the homeless men were two loaded grocery carts with tarps covering each one. One held much more than the other. Midway through the night, a woman came by holding an umbrella. She was smoking a cigarette and seemed normal enough until she started rifling through the cart with the lesser contents. Not finding anything, she moved onto the bigger one. I couldn't believe she was doing that and expressed to Amy my disbelief. Then, because the woman couldn't hold the cigarette and the umbrella and manage to get underneath the tarp of the cart with the most content, all at the same, she STOLE the cart. She just off and pushed it down the street, around the corner. I made some comment like, "She stole that man's cart!" in the most incredulous voice I could muster. I couldn't believe that someone would do that. I felt so wronged on behalf of the homeless guy. I would assume that the homeless man didn't have too many scruples of his own and looked rather nasty so I'm not sure why I had so much empathy for him.
Amy made fun of me at the time and still does if I mention it. "How can you be concerned with someone taking off with his cart when we're downtown in San Francisco, at 3:30 in the morning, sitting here in the rain, freezing our asses off?!" Legitimate enough of a question. How could I, indeed?
There were others concerned for our well-being, though. Throughout the night, particularly from 11:30 PM to about 2:00 AM strangers, both straight and gay, came offering hot chocolate, oatmeal, cookies, Krispy Kreme, pizza, and alcohol to make our sit-in more bearable. The kindness and generosity warmed our hearts but it didn't make us feel our toes any better. We'd stopped feeling them and every other body part between 12:30 and 1:00.
Did I mention that we were sitting in puddles of water? We had managed to make a mock shelter with our umbrellas but they were so small that they didn't get our sides. Water filled up so that our entire pelvic regions were numb. In fact, we had both needed to go to the bathroom starting around 3:00 AM but became numb and held it.
There were two outhouses that were placed at the end of the street. Those were new. Amy and I had been to City Hall on Saturday AND Sunday and they weren't there. Out of generosity, the city placed them there for us.
Anyhow, back to feeling numb...Amy and I didn't want to find out what time it was for fear that the night was moving as slow as it felt.
Our neighbor, Kevin, who was sitting next to us (behind us, rather) was fairing even worse. His partner, James, is 71 years old and Kevin, being much younger (40ish), was braving the elements to hold a place in line for their nuptials. We could tell they weren't the outback type, however, by evidence of Kevin's scrawny camping chair (which broke about 3 times in the night until it was on the ground, literally). He did have a much bigger umbrella than us, though, and an actual winter coat. Amy and I just had a sweater and a light jacket.
Backing up for a moment, when Amy retrieved our second sleeping bag from the car, she also pulled out a bag of clothes we'd been meaning to donate to some charity. The six months we'd had it in our trunk we didn't find a charity worthy enough until that night. It consisted of a few sweaters and sweatshirts and the ponchos de hideous that Amy's mom had given us when Amy first came out here. Amy was very generous and handed the desperately wanted extra clothing to strangers in the line. One sweatshirt she managed to save for Kevin and one she saved for herself. Add layer number 3 to her outfit. I passed on an extra layer. I was too frozen to lift my arms to get a new one on.
Did I mention that we had two bitchy lesbians right next to us? You would think it would have been Kevin that we wouldn't have bonded with but Nooooooooooo. The female couple was in front of us and they were as cold as the night felt. They, unlike Kevin, were campers. We could tell this by their giant umbrellas, their reclining camping chairs, and their Nanook of the North jackets and hiking boots. We placed them in their late 40s or 50s.
See, the reason we were all lined up so early in the night, was not because we like torture, but because San Francisco decreed that it would marry the first 400 couples that arrived to City Hall, first come, first served. Most of us thought that this was our last chance to get married so that's why we were going to this extreme.
Anyway, about 30 minutes after we got settled, 2 of the couples friends arrived and they asked if they could get in line with the women in front of us. First of all, we didn't think that was our call, second of all, we didn't know what place in line we were. We figured that people would be cutting in line and that others would be holding places, and we didn't want some couple who had legitimately lined up to end up being the 401st couple in line because these 2 new women jumped ahead. Well, our silence at their question of asking us if it was okay, screamed to them, "No, bitch!" and they were pissy for the rest of the night. Their friends took their place in the back of the line where they belonged.
Amy and I finally managed the courage to take a look at the time and found it was only 3:30 AM! My God! That made every hardship 20 times worse. By 4:00, we were panicking, seriously. I think we both had hypothermia. If not hypothermia, very close to it. I called my mom at 4:04, calling in the backup. Strangely enough, she picked up on the first ring, wide awake. Thankfully, I'd caught her on a late night pee break. I pitifully asked her if she could bring us dry socks, jackets, anything that would make us warm. Maybe it was my voice shaking or my teeth chattering or the rain pounding the ground or the moans coming from Amy, that made my mom almost panic herself. She wanted to be there for us but she was 85 miles away in Sacramento. She also wanted her friend, Sheri, to come see our ceremony that day and didn't want to wake her up too early. What to do? What to do?!
She decided the best plan of attack was to call Sheri at 5:00 AM, even that being too early, but within a sliver of reason. In the meantime, she would pack up the jeep with blankets, dry clothes, and coffee. She told us to just hold on and they'd be there.
Around 4:45 Amy and I couldn't take it anymore. We were too damn cold and we decided we'd be warmer trying to find a place that was open than to huddle in our chairs covered with soaking wet, cold sleeping bags. Kevin was gracious enough to watch our stuff and hold our place.
We walked a few downtown San Francisco blocks looking for any lights shining from the windows. McDonalds wasn't even open yet. We started to really lose it. We were now groaning loudly with each step. We weren't doing it for effect, we were doing it because we couldn't help it. We were freezing so badly and the wind was picking up even worse, turning our umbrellas inside out.
We finally came across a gas station several blocks away but they were closed, too, despite their appearance. Mom called us just about then to check on us. Apparently, I was talking nonsense and mom told me she thought I had hypothermia and to go to our car and warm up. Good plan. She also let me know that she'd called Sheri and they would be leaving around 5:30 or 6:00 which seemed like an eternity away. We headed back to our car, another several blocks from us. Our groaning got worse with each step. We were almost crying.
My little blue Jetta in the distance shone like a beacon. I think a church choir sang "Ahhhhhhhhhh" in the background, and broke into "Hallelujah". We creaked into our car. Did I tell you how bad it feels to wear soaking wet jeans? It's the ickiest feeling. We both had to pee like a racehorse by that point, as well. We turned on the car and cranked up the heat. I took my shoes off and placed my socks over the heater. We both let out continuous burrs and shrieks as we thawed.
Mom was smart enough to insist that we take the Folgers coffee plastic container with us in case we needed it as a back up pee bucket. Who would of thought we'd need it? Amy went first and stepped out of the car. She held open her door so it could act as a privacy wall. She pulled down her sticky jeans and peed right there in plain sight of anyone who wanted to see such a spectacle.
I, being a little more modest, pulled my jeans down in the car and placed it underneath me. What should have taken 15 seconds took about 3 minutes because it trickled out of me. Honestly, I couldn't tell where the wetness on my ass ended and the pee began. By that point, I didn't really care.
We dumped out the pee and enjoyed warming up in the car...with our pants up. Nice visual, huh?
We stayed in the car for about 25 minutes then decided to trek back. We felt bad for Kevin and knew we had to get back in line. Getting out of the car was almost worse than when we got in it. We were still soaking wet, the wind was biting, and we were reminded how bitter cold it was. Oh, I know! Walking in wet jeans is like having a crap in your pants. You move your legs very slowly forward and none of it feels good.
We got back to line to discover that Kevin needed to go to the bathroom and had been holding it all night. He didn't know about the portopotties at the end of the block. Poor guy!
He then excused himself while we held his place.
By about that point it was about 5:50 and I was praying to the sun for it to come out. Maybe then it would warm up a little. It didn't come out. Not until much later.
Amy sat back in her chair, I stood. I thought moving around a bit would be warmer.
Amy huddled there for about 30 minutes then decided to stand with me. Any thoughts of being warmer were a hopeless cause anyway.
There was no sign of the sun but, around 6 AM, a whole new slew of strangers trickled in offering hot coffee, donuts, pastries, orange juice, towels and more. God love 'em! They were wonderful. Amy and I took the towels and used them as hand warmers. They couldn't dry us off since it was still raining and windy, and they were just the size of dish towels, but they were the best thing by far.
Mom called at that point to say that they were on their way. I estimated that they would arrive by 7:30 or 8:00, hopefully, 7:30.
We stood in line shivering and shaking as the sun came up. Well, technically, it was up some where. We couldn’t see it because the clouds covering our heads were a blanket of gray. It was a lighter, brighter blanket of gray than before, though.
People were murmuring that they hoped they’d open the doors sooner than 10:00 AM but, really, no one knew what the real plan was. It was stand in line until they come get us.
I figured that I would need to call my boss around 7:30. I decided to call Dion, figuring he was the more important to tell of my two bosses and easier to get a hold of. I wasn’t out at work except to a few people so I wondered how this would go. I was shaking from the cold and a little from nervousness but called him on his cell phone.
He picked up and I told him I wouldn’t be able to come into work that day. “Oh?” he asked in a somewhat disapproving tone. I could hear his head asking, “What possible excuse could she have?” I then said, “I’m stuck in San Francisco trying to get married”. He immediately perked up and said, “Really?! I saw that on the news! Cool! Congratulations! Okay, that’s fine. Congratulations!” He was so cool about it. I explained a bit more but then hung up knowing my boss was good with me taking the day off. Phew!
Soon after that, maybe 7:45 or 8:00, they asked us to compress the line. In other words, ditch our camping setups and line up single file. We moved up an entire block. We didn’t have time to grab our stuff, nor did we really want to, since it was heavy and soaking wet. We decided to leave it and come back for it later. Besides, everyone else had to forfeit packing their stuff, too. It looked like the day after Woodstock ended with all of the belongings strewn about on the pavement and grass.
Then, a man came around yelling the message that they would open the doors early to get as much of us out of the rain as possible. The message we’d been waiting to hear all night. Woohoo! He said they would open the doors within the next 90 minutes.
Another guy then came around shortly after that and said they would open the doors in 10 or 15 minutes and that, once you were inside, there was no going in and out. Oh no! Going into the building in the next 10 minutes and mom wasn’t there! And, Kevin’s partner wasn’t there, either!
I called mom on the cell phone right away. She was on the Bay Bridge! Great! That was 10-15 minutes away from where we were. I knew this since this was our third time there in 3 days. I’ll explain later.
I stuffed the cell phone back in my pocket, then realized, that I hadn’t seen Kevin reach for a cell phone the entire night to communicate with his betrothed, James. I offered him my phone to call him. He accepted gratefully and called him, getting the message machine. “James! I’m standing here in line and we’re going in soon. If you’re not here in 15 minutes, I’ll have to find someone else to marry!”
Fifteen minutes then passed with no sight of Mom or James. Luckily, and unluckily, the line hadn’t moved yet. There were, however, more people handing out coffee and breakfast foods. Wonderful people!
Amy and I, by the way, never took the coffee. We’re not coffee drinkers. The sentiment was great, though.
I called mom again and asked where she was. She said she’d missed the exit and was turning back around. Argh!
The three of us were standing there warring with our emotions; we were praying to be let inside to get shelter but we didn’t have our family members, or in Kevin’s case, partner with us yet. It would’ve been a hellish experience to have sacrificed the whole night to not have it go as planned.
Another 10 minutes went by and I called mom. She was somewhere near but didn’t know where to park. She handed the phone off to Sheri who took my instructions. Fortunately, they were about 2 blocks from where they needed to be so the timing was great. They parked and told us they’d be with us in 5 minutes. I told them to hurry.
I think another 15 minutes went by and FINALLY they showed up bearing luxuriously warm and heavy jackets. Why didn’t we take those in the first place?! We put them on as best we could but needed help since we couldn’t move our arms.
Did I mention that Amy and I were seriously handicapped at this point? Seriously! We couldn’t move our legs or arms! Every joint ached. Even walking was difficult. We took little baby steps instead of strides. Thankfully, the line moved so slowly that baby steps were all we could take. We actually wouldn’t get our feeling back for several hours.
Sheri and mom were so excited. They also had their maternal instincts come out and they both were doing anything they could to make us feel better. They were clucky and exclaiming things like, “Oh my god, you poor things!”, “You’re soaking wet!”, “You’re freezing, you’re going to get hypothermia.” It was nice after a harsh night.
Sheri was really taken aback by the generosity of those around us that were offering food, coffee, and support. She got teary several times. Mom was caught up in it, too, and both were so excited to be there, “making history”.
One thing I really want to point out is that there was no negativity at all through the whole experience. People weren’t there out of spite or anger, they were there out of love and commitment. I’ve never been around that energy before, not in church, not in a seminar, not at a conference. It was purely unique and individual to this experience. It was hard not to feel elated. It was a big love fest and an injection of joy.
The only protestor that we encountered the entire time showed up at that point. He held a thick, heavy bible and told us that we needed to be saved and come to Jesus.
One of the snippy lesbians that was with us for the night, and that was now behind us so they could be with their friends, spoke up and said, “I’m a minister. buddy! I know Jesus!” He moved on down the line and got similar rebuttals.
The line now started to move and the air became even more festive. People were getting punchy and excited, except for Kevin. James still wasn’t there! It was now past 9:00 and the line moved fairly consistently forward.
In front of City Hall is a statue of Abraham Lincoln sitting in a chair. This statue is a symbol for tolerance used during the civil rights movement and it was being used now. Someone had stuck a protest sign in the arch of Abraham’s arm saying “We all deserve the freedom to marry”.
The two gentlemen that were in front of us were really exhibitionists. The younger of the two climbed up on Lincoln and sat in his lap to do a photo op. Very funny! He kissed Abraham’s cheek and put his arms around his neck.
Around this time, we saw an older Irish gentleman, looking a little bit lost. “James!” Kevin was ecstatic in his stoic scholarly way. We all cheered at his arrival. James was taken aback a bit and held the expression of “What did I miss?”
We moved closer to the front door of city hall and James and Kevin started singing an Irish folk song in harmony. Kevin then told us that James had married people for years, because he was a minister, but he was never able to get married himself. Ironic.
Along came a very kind lady who handed out flowers. We took the pinkish/purple daisies, gratefully. We each had our “bouquet” which consisted of a few flowers each.
We then got to the front steps of City Hall. Wonderful! Only, we couldn’t lift our legs to move up them. Not wonderful. I felt like if someone knocked me hard enough, I would shatter.
As we mounted the steps the two guys in front of us, one of whom had posed with Honest Abe earlier, asked us to take a picture of them with their video camera. Amy held the camera as they narrated their journey up the steps, then they insisted on getting a quick video of us, asking our names and how long we’d been together. They thanked us profusely then pranced into City Hall. They were also gracious enough to say that we looked beautiful on our wedding day.
There were a slew of volunteers everywhere. One of them, in particular, was a faux lesbian wearing a red beret. Not quite raspberry. She asked the two guys in front of us, the ones who said we were beautiful, if they had a witness. They said they didn’t so she said she would be their witness and the younger one erupted in joy.
The red beret lady was a nice asset to have because she knew the procedure for everything and directed us all the way to the big room where the paperwork was processed. But, I’m getting ahead of myself.
Upon entry into City Hall, we were escorted through X-ray machines; the same ones you’d find in an airport. We made it through without a problem.
Our line weaved through the halls of the building, up stairs, down stairs, through a gigantic room with high ceilings, to small corridors. We were entertained through all of this by the red beret lady who told us she’d been protesting on “National Freedom to Marry Day” for the past 5 years. She said that, this year, she was with the group of people who all came to get their marriage licenses expecting to be turned away, only this year they were told “Okay!” instead of go home. People were flustered but excited and she said they spent the day trying to figure out where to go because none of them had ever done that before and the personnel wasn’t organized like they were on our eventful day. She said that no one that day was in a bad mood despite the confusion. It was a lot like being at the DMV being told, no you’re in the wrong line, go to this other line, only to get to that line and be told to go elsewhere. That’s another factor I forgot to mention that we all had that day, patience. Even Amy.
I think, in general, everyone was so excited and grateful to be getting married that rain, cold, confusion, and long lines had no impact.
While we were in line, we were filling out “The Blue Form”. This was the form where we put our information and our family info. I was “The Groom”, Amy was “The Bride”. We were told, “Don’t alter anything on this form! Don’t cross anything out!” We learned later that those who did cross out “Bride” and wrote “Groom” instead and vice-versa were considered null and void because they had altered a state form. What a pisser! Go through all of that and one line crossing and scribble cancelled out your marriage. Luckily, we didn’t do that.
We were handed a number “153” signifying that we were the 153rd couple to have entered their doors that day. Awesome!
Several volunteers came through to sign off on our form. We had 3 people initial it in all, verifying that we were who we claimed to be and that we’d filled everything out correctly.
We finally came to a large room that was loaded with people. This was the paperwork room. Another woman, sitting behind a table, looked over our paperwork once more then directed us to stand in the middle line to our left. Unfortunately, the middle line didn’t move for at least 30 minutes. Mabel Teng, who was situated behind us, even started and ended her press conference before we moved. Amy and I finally went to another part of the room, while Mom and Sheri held our place, to find out if we were in the right line. We found Kevin and James who had already completed the process we needed to do and the snippy lesbians were completed, too. What happened?! We were out of place and way behind. We should have stuck with the red beret lady because she found the yellow jacket man who got things rolling for them. Damn!
We went back to our place in line and it finally started to move. We eventually got to the front where a very kind woman took our form and typed our info into her computer. Her name was Mary. She asked us to verify all of the info and thanked us for getting married. Thanked US! We then thanked her for being there in the first place. That was another thing, everyone that worked there thanked us for being there and kept encouraging us. But, the staff and volunteers there were all working through a 3 day holiday with no pay. And, they couldn’t be cheerier. Remarkable.
It was here that mom got a picture of Amy and I standing against the counter, showing our wet asses. Got to remember to thank her for that.
We paid Mary the $82 dollars. She told us to wait for our names to be called.
We backed up and hung out with mom and Sheri who were now sitting among a group of people. It was a set of young heterosexuals couples who were there to support their two lesbian friends that were marrying each other. One young man introduced himself to mom and Sheri thinking that they were a part of the crew supporting the two ladies. Their friends started laughing at him and one cried, “I got that on tape!”
One of these young lesbians getting married then received a series of phone calls on her cell phone. “Oh, shit!” she said. “I just got 5 calls from my parents. Not a good way for them to find out!” We all laughed. Apparently, the press conference that Mabel Teng just held caught the two on tape…a live feed that was sent to CNN, NBC, and all of the major networks. This young couple was Anne-Marie and Brittany McMartin if you saw them on CNN’s front page. They were the ones that got married in matching pajamas and Gap sweatshirts.
We were then called and went to the new counter. We had our paperwork printed out on a form and we had to check it for mistakes. We discovered that Amy needed to put Hedrick down as her birth name instead of Graham. The lady looked a little flustered but said she would take care of it but we’d have to wait another 10-30 minutes. Greeeeat.
We hung back and waited once more for our name to be called. We matched up with Kevin and James here because they kept putting that James was born in Israel instead of Ireland.
Again, we were called and this time it was correct. We were then told to wait again for our names to be called.
We waited some more.
We then were called to go back to the desk and were asked to raise our right hands and swear that everything was correct to the best of our knowledge. We confirmed that and were given our affidavits to sign. Unfortunately, the lady told me to sign in the wrong spot. “Sign here” was the Witness box, not the Applicant box. Oops. We all were flustered again and then the lady said not to worry about it just to line through it and have the witness sign above it. We were then told we could get married and we were directed to the rotunda. Wow, we were really getting married.
We walked out to the rotunda where there was a huge line. Not again! This line moved, though! Within minutes, we were at the front.
As a side note, when Amy imagined our wedding, she had always pictured me with flowers in my hair. Instead of holding the daisies for our bouquets, we each broke off a flower and tucked it behind our ear. We were ready.
We saw about 12-15 couples being married throughout the room, on the steps, on balconies, at the top of the steps. We were told to go to the top of the steps. Steps! Groan! Big steps! Our joints were working a little smoother now so we made it to the top without mom and Sheri having to carry or support us, like they had done before. In our opinion, we think this was the best place to be married. We got the best view and it was like we were the only ones there because everyone was lower than us, down on the steps, or way off to the sides.
Robert Ortega was our officiant. He couldn’t have been cheerier and more positive. He was awesome and very sincere. Amy and I stood in front of him and clasped hands. He then asked, which direction do you want to face? We decided that we wanted to look out over the room (more picturesque), so we switched places. He then started the 1 minute ceremony. I, being the groom, went first, saying I, Mary Nelsen, take Amy Graham to be my spouse for life, for better or worse, in sickness and health, richer or poorer, so long as we both shall live. Then Amy took her turn, we exchanged rings, and were declared spouses for life. He didn’t say, “You may kiss” so we took it upon ourselves. Doing so, I knocked the flower out of my hair. Mom managed to get a blurry picture of our kiss. It was that good.
Mom and Sheri, Amy and I were very happy. Robert finished signing our paperwork and we were directed back down the stairs back to the paperwork room. There, I found a guy to take our paperwork to get it processed. It seems we skipped the line a bit and got in on the action before we were supposed to. We then went to a new line, paid our $13 for a copy of our license and were told to wait on the other side of the room. Mom and Sheri waited outside of the room in the front hall (because they weren’t allowed in this room any longer, it was too full and declared a fire hazard). We were told this was another 30-60 minute process.
However, in about 15-20 minutes, our name was called and we grabbed our marriage license. We were official.
We found mom and Sheri and went out the front door. Ironically enough, we were greeted with a Mariachi band! Could it get any better?! There were hundreds of people outside the door. Amy and I lifted our held hands in the air and they cheered. People threw rice and cried, “Congratulations!” It was an awesome exit!
I was telling Amy that this was the very best way to get married. I never wanted a big event when getting married. I’d always imagined being married but never imagined the ceremony that would get me there. When we were officially engaged on New Years Eve 2003, we decided that it would be best to have a reception of some kind as a celebration of our union, but that our formation of the union would be exchanging our own private vows and filling out domestic partner paperwork. Not very romantic, but it worked for me. Though Amy agreed to this, she did express that she preferred exchanging vows and doing the ceremony. This was the best of both worlds.
The event allowed us to have a marriage ceremony, and an exchange of vows, but we weren’t the central focus. Yet, it still had a very intimate feel to it. It managed to produce the ceremony that Amy desired and the anonymity that I wished for.
Also, we joked, that, unlike everyone else’s wedding we’d ever attended, we only paid $95, got free food, free music, free flowers, and every single person there genuinely was ecstatic, supportive, and proud of our union. It seems that every wedding we’ve been a part of, there’s been a segment of the attendees who, though happy that their friends were getting married, also would have preferred spending their day doing something else. That wasn’t like our wedding. Having a thousand strangers wish us the best and being there because they wanted to be, not because they felt it was their duty, somehow seemed even more special than those we knew wishing that for us and, even partially, wanting to be elsewhere.
After the event, we were finally able to get into dry clothes. Though it had been 3 hours since we entered the warm and dry City Hall building, our clothes were still soaking wet and we were still cold. Amy and I had a set of dry clothes in the car so we grabbed those and headed to California Pizza Kitchen for our “reception”. We changed in the bathroom and it felt incredible. I’ve never been so happy to be out of the cold. It felt especially good to have on dry socks. Wet feet just make experiences all the more miserable. I had an extra set of dry shoes but Amy didn’t. She kept her shoes off as we ate our meal.
While our food was being made, Amy decided to call her family and tell them the “happy news”. She had joked earlier that we would get an awesome wedding gift because her grandparents would die upon hearing the news and she’d get her inheritance early. Her nana took the news as well as being told that she was running off to be a Hare Krishna. In fact, her nana asked if our marriage ceremony was like the Moonies. Amy clarified that, no, that wasn’t what it was like, but, as of this writing, her Nana still tells people, “She got married in a mass ceremony just like the Moonies”.
I called my brother and told him the news. He was ecstatic and very proud of us. We also called Cheryl, of Cathy and Cheryl. Cheryl was shocked and happy for the both of us. Cathy would call later in a frenzied state asking what and how it happened.
We finished our meal, got in our cars, and drove by City Hall again. We had some rose petals in a bag so we threw them out the window and honked at the people in line. We rounded the corner to pick up our stuff but it wasn't there. The whole sidewalk area had been picked clean. We lost our sleeping bags, tarp, chairs, and a J-Crew sweater. Oh, well.
We made the trek home, and promptly fell fast asleep. That was our February 16th wedding day.
If you’re asking, “Just how did they decide to go up there and get married?”, here’s your answer.
On Friday morning, Amy’s ex-boss, Kelli, forwarded her a CNN article about San Francisco marrying Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon and performing same-sex marriages since Thursday. Amy forwarded me the article and jokingly asked if I wanted to go up there for Valentine’s Day weekend and get married. I replied, “We’ll see.” and both of us dropped the issue.
That night we went to Sharky’s and Starbucks, our usual wild and crazy start to the weekend, darn our partying hides, but we both felt restless. We had no plans for the holiday weekend and, after years of shitty Valentine’s Days for both of us, we were not looking forward to another one. We decided to go home early. We walked through the door at 8:30.
Within a couple of minutes mom called to ask if we’d heard about what was going on in San Francisco. I relayed the information that I knew, then she joked, “Are you guys going to come up and get married?” I think she was semi-hoping we would because dad was out of town (Coyote hunting) and she was spending Valentines by herself. While we had her on the phone we went to City Hall’s website to see what was going on. All that it said was that they would be performing ceremonies on Valentine’s Day for the first time ever and that you needed to have your marriage license or domestic partnership by the end of the business day on Friday the thirteenth (dun dun dun). We were too late! A part of us felt let down. After an hour or so of going back and forth between me, Amy and mom I declared that we could just go up there to see what was going on, support those that were getting married, keep mom company for the weekend and attempt to have plans for Valentine’s Day. Besides, this was history in the making!
It was ten o’clock when Amy started packing our suitcase and 10:30 when we hit the road. Unfortunately, since she didn’t have her usual two weeks notice, Amy’s packing skills faltered and she forgot to pack panties and socks. As a result I got married in a borrowed (new) pair of mom’s underwear and Amy went commando.
Another unfortunate thing was that my Jetta’s catalytic converter was on the fritz. Not only did I learn later that this is extremely dangerous and can result in blowing up our car, but we couldn’t go faster than 70 miles an hour. The further we got, the less power we had. When we finished our 400 mile journey, pulling into Sacramento at 5:00 in the morning, we could only go 65 mph max. This was accompanied by a low whine and a resistance on the acceleration pedal.
Amy and I collapsed, literally, into bed and had the plan to wake around 10:00 to get to San Francisco to see the events.
Mom was gracious enough to take my car to the shop Saturday morning to get it fixed while we slept. It turned out that it was only a hose that had come loose and that it was in fine shape. All right! (Not all right, actually. After our marriage ceremony and our attempt to drive back to LA, our car acted up again. We turned back around after 20 miles and the next day, Tuesday, - another day off of work - we learned that it really was the catalytic converter). But, anyway, that Saturday morning...
Mom woke us up right on time. Groan! And, with that, we headed to San Francisco!
On the way, mom bought tickets to a Margaret Cho comedy appearance at the Punch Line, a local comedy club in Sacramento.
Woohoo! What a wild Valentine’s Day. We were excited!
We got to San Francisco around 1:30 since we had showered, dressed, stopped to pick up lunch, and get our obligatory Starbucks fix along the way. We found a parking meter and followed any gay looking people towards City Hall. It was an awesome sight!
There were hundreds of people in line and another group of people in front of City Hall with signs and shouting support. Someone was handing out roses to those that were just married. It was so amazing to see. It really did feel like we were witnessing a significant event in history.
Many people asked if we were getting married and we said, “No”. They said congratulations anyway. After an hour of watching the event, we went back to the car. We debated whether we should go or stay and watch some more. We were passive participants and felt like we’d seen most of it. Something in me told us we should stay so we clunked more quarters in the parking meter and walked back. We decided to follow the line of couples to the back to see how long, or short, the line now was.
At the end of the line, stood a big, burly cop. He was telling people that it was 3:30 and no one else could get in the line. BUT, they could come back tomorrow, first thing, and they could be married.
They were doing ceremonies on Sunday! We kept our ears open to the questions that others were asking him. He mentioned something about getting it all done at one time. We weren’t sure if we heard right so Amy asked him, specifically, if we didn’t have a marriage license or a domestic partnership, could we get married on Sunday? He said, yes. On Sunday, they’d issue the licenses AND marry people. Though he was a big scary looking guy, he was smiling the whole time and was so sweet. He was being asked the same questions over and over but he was patient as could be and had a smile on his face the whole time, showing that he was proud of his city and happy about the event.
Mom and Amy asked what we should do. I said, “It looks like we’re getting married.” As if on cue, Amy and mom freaked out, screamed and jumped up and down. The entire way home. Then, they both insisted that we go to the mall to get the proper attire for the event. Personally, I wanted to get married in jeans and comfortable clothes. Most everyone else didn’t dress up. Amy and mom preferred getting married in a dress, though, so we went on a hunt. We had about 2 hours to do the search so it was about as frenzied as could be. We went through every store and ended up at the very last store which was Macy’s. We found the dresses we wanted. Amy picked out a purple dress with a train, I picked out a matching burgundy dress with the train. Then, it was onto the shoes. I was looking for a small, appropriate pump, Amy wasn’t looking for anything. She wanted to get married in her Lands End all weather moccasins. She didn’t want to stand in line for several hours in high heeled shoes! At this point, reality set in on Amy. Standing around in a dress might be a little awkward. Actually, standing around in a dress, for hours, in impractical shoes, as everyone else was dressed down in comfy clothes, seemed completely unappealing. It was at that point that we decided to stick to the original plan of getting married in the clothes we brought with us; jeans, shirts, and comfy shoes.
When Amy had her realization and we’d decided on sticking to comfort, I had already found my shoes for the dress and mom was off buying everything. She was disappointed at our decision but we said we’d take pictures of ourselves in the dresses after the ceremony and then return everything, thereby having nice pics without the cost! Good enough!
We then high-tailed it to the Punch Line, waited in line to get a good seat, and saw Margaret Cho. She was very funny, as usual, but Sacramento isn’t the best place for her humor. Sacramento is considered a bible belt for those of you who don’t know.
We were in bed by 1:00 AM and needed to get up by 5:00 to head out to San Francisco. Argh!
We were up at the butt crack of dawn but we were excited. It was Sunday, February 15th and it was our wedding day!
We drove to San Francisco, getting there around 9:00. The line already wrapped around 2 blocks. We stood there for about 2 hours when we were told to go home. They’d already had more couples than they could handle for the day. They couldn’t marry anymore couples. There had been so many people left over from Saturday (320 couples to be exact) that they were only issuing 80 new licenses for the day.
The announcer said that they would perform ceremonies on Monday to the first 400 couples in line. It was first come, first serve.
Amy was heart broken. She asked what we should do. At that point, she was thinking we couldn’t get married and that we’d missed our chance. I had to work on Monday and we needed to get back to Los Angeles. I surprised her by saying, “Well, I guess we’ll come back early in the morning and get married”. She perked up and asked if I was serious. What about work? I told her that we could come early, around 2:00 AM. If the line was too long, we’d drive back to LA and I’d go to work. If not, then we’d line up and my bosses would just need to understand (hopefully). Amy was ecstatic and declared, “Let’s be here by midnight!”
So, we went home, ate a very unappetizing meal at Macaroni Grill, went home and slept several hours to prep for our late night, woke up around 6:00 PM, watched the L Word, and headed to San Francisco yet again around 9:00 PM. We arrived to the city about 11:00 and we were in line by 11:30. Go to the top to read the rest!