fic: jump in 4/?

[frychicken]

jump in. part four.
they try to burn it away with shots, drown it out with club music, choke it with the sheer force of how much fun they're having. lily loveless/kathryn prescott. 4341 words. (R)

disclaimer: This story is lies, lies, lies. Complete fiction.





(credit)

into this world we're thrown,
like a dog without a bone,
an actor out alone.
riders on the storm.

(riders on the storm, the doors)

Leaves rustle along a breeze, dirt catches on Lily's thigh and Kat busies her hands with fixing the spliff. They haven't looked at each other once all day.

(That morning - the sheets were cold when she reached out, empty. She'll say she expected it - how could she not? It'll be a lie all the same.)

"We want this to be passionate, but not... this is both their first times, both are nervous, but then...you know. Think about the first time you ever did something like this - or I mean, your first time..." The director lets out a laugh, to break the tension. "Well, you know."

The director asks, looks from one to the other. "You lot alright?"

"Fine," Kat says and fuck, her voice cracks. She sees Lily out the corner of her eye, biting her nails. "Tired, is all."

"You girls are going to be great. We'll get this in one shot, watch."

So they get on with it.

Kat tries her best to displace everything, to put at the front of her mind things like Naomi and Emily and where the markers are drawn into the dirt, where she has to kneel and how she still she has to be, how she - Emily - has to let Lil - no, Naomi - kiss her. She repeats the script directions in her head like a prayer, letting it calm her nerves enough so that when Naomi kisses her -

When Lily kisses her, it's the sureness in how their lips meet that catches Kat most by surprise. She pulls away, barely, with a sigh, and Kathryn leans in after her. Her nose brushes just under Lily's eye and warm breath dances between them. Lily kisses her again, stronger this time, like she's taking as much of Kat as she possibly can before she has to pull away.

Kat curls her hand around the back of Lily's neck - unscripted, she briefly thinks, before Lily turns her head a little, nudges Kat with her cheek, encourages her. Kat kisses a path along her jaw to the dip of her neck, a pulse there beating so fast she knows it has to hurt. Before she can help it, her tongue darts out against Lily's neck, against the intoxicating pull of that pulse, and Lily - Lily fucking pants into her ear. Kat pulls away for just a second, looks at her, remembers the way it felt when Lily moaned against her, just hours earlier. Lily grabs a hold of Kat's wrist, but Kat moves back in anyways. She has to remind herself to stop, on cue, and pulls herself away before she won't have the strength to. Her eyes remain on Lily, breath held.

She's smiling, eyes closed. She looks almost serene. "Say something."

Kat finally remembers how to breathe. "I'm all about experiments, me."

Her breath catches dry in her throat and it's all she can do to not kiss her again. She reaches out, fingers shaking, and curls them under the fabric of Lily's - Naomi's - sweater and she lifts up. There's a sigh of relief, release, when it pulls past Lily's head and she looks at her, head on, before doing the same. The first thought Kat has is to fix her hair, nobody stops her from pushing it into some semblance of order, and maybe she focuses too much on the way her hair catches on her fingers, the way she sniffs at the cold starting to creep up, to focus less on the way Lily's looking at her.

But all efforts are futile the second Lily leans in. Kat can hear an intake of breath, hungry, and she licks her lips in anticipation. Lily kisses her, fucking kisses her, and it almost feels like her lips will bruise later from it. But Kat doesn't care, hands immediately holding onto her for stability, the feel of Lily's lashes against her cheek, until she's pushing her down to the ground. And maybe Kat lets a small moan out - one less thing for ADR - and maybe Lily pushes at her a little harder, leans in for another kiss a little faster than they'd planned for in rehearsals and -

This is too much. She almost stops, almost covers her face and rolls away, begging the director to stop.

She feels Lily's nails dig into her arm: fuck it.

She rolls Lily over. Their hands fumble under clothes and tops are pulled off probably quicker than wanted, but the director doesn't say anything - everything is quiet around them, only hitched breaths between lips and the shuffle of dirt beneath their blanket. Suddenly, they're in nothing but their bras and knickers and Kat, Kat knows what's next.

She kisses along the curve of Lily's neck, hovering over her as she can feel Lily's fingers graze her arm briefly. She kisses between the dip of Lily's breasts, digging her hands into the dirt and blanket to keep from tearing off the star-patterned bra she's still wearing. She purposely lets her hair trail along Lily's skin as she moves further down, kissing her stomach and trying her best to ignore the feel of Lily's fingers.

Once she can see the ground marker, she sits up, out of frame but still between Lily's legs. At first she looks away, a sort of unspoken rule to keep Lily's nerves from going into overload, so she can get through this scene. But, eventually, she gives in - she looks, she looks down and she sees Lily panting, she sees Lily looking at her, their eyes locking for a moment, and Lily's breath hitches in a way that strikes too close to real, before she looks straight up, at nothing, into oblivion.

It's only then that Kat realizes the back of her own hands are pressed against the inside of Lily's thighs, and there's heat there. And when Lily gets done with it, when the director softly says cut just a few feet away, her thighs press against her hands a bit.

Only a bit.

Everything outside of them creeps in, eventually. Someone, someone outside their bubble, some faceless blob outside Kat's line of sight, claps their hands together and laughs. "Go again?"

On the ride back, they're both in the backseat, and Kat can't help but notice the distinct amount of space Lily's putting between them, so much so that she looks rather crammed in the corner on her side. She rolls her eyes before she can help herself.

Lily catches it and looks at her, unamused. "What was that about?"

"Nothing," is all Kat says, shrugging.

Lily doesn't fight her on it.

(This little game of theirs called acting is precarious at best, ever on the precipice of failure, of obscurity. Today it's Skins. Tomorrow it'll be the job center.

They know this. They try to burn it away with shots, drown it out with club music, choke it with the sheer force of how much fun they're having.

For now, they do alright.)

There's a bit of a lull following Naomi's episode - Kat gets busy filming scenes with Ollie and Lily is only in Bristol two days before heading back to London, back home. It's a week and a half before Kat sees her again, and when she does, Lily looks utterly exhausted.

"You look like shit."

"I missed you as much, Prescott," Lily says, and her voice is a bit too soft, lacking sarcasm, and it catches Kat by surprise when Lily gives her a hug. "Haven't been getting into trouble without me, have you?"

The hug ends, and Kat recovers as much. "Not in the least bit."

Lily smiles, perhaps a bit too sweetly: "Good. I hate missing out on all the fun."

"I don't much feel like going out. Getting pissed doesn't sound too appealing to me, is all."

"You sure? Kaya's certain they don't check at the door, so we're all bound to be going."

Lily rubs the back of her neck, no doubt at an ache that'd built up throughout the afternoon of going over scripts. The twins' episode is soon, and Lily had been taking the entire thing far more seriously than either of the Prescott's. "I'm staying in for the night. You're welcome to join."

The last bit sounds like it's meant to be an afterthought, but there's a drop to Lily's voice, and maybe Kat's looking too much into it - she chooses to believe she isn't. "It's been a long week, we're due for a night out."

"I'm all for fun, Kat, just not in the business of getting pissed, is all." Lily sighs, gnawing at her bottom lip, before sitting up straighter, deciding something. She looks at Kat and the blue, the blue is still as striking as the first time Kat ever saw it. "Want to join me in a night of sobriety?"

Just then, Meg and Kaya stumble in rather loudly, the former talking in big animated gestures about a recent episode of Desperate Housewives, while Kaya half-listens with eyes trained on her mobile screen. They both look up, aware of whatever they just walked into. Megan just looks from Kat to Lily a few times, like she's watching a tennis match, until finally it's Kaya that says something, once her eyes return to her phone. "Need a minute, then?"

"No, I was just telling Kat I didn't feel like going out and she was begging me not to leave her alone with you, Kaya. That's all." Lily looks to the lanky girl and smirks, while Kat tries to fight off the gnawing feeling of a missed opportunity. "You girls look adorable, all dressed up."

"Adorable? I look fucking fit," Meg snorts, walking past Kat into the small kitchen, where she refills her empty water bottle. "Is that what you're wearing, Kat?"

Kat doesn't answer, not immediately. She can't stop looking at Lily, waiting for her to look back. She never does, and quite pointedly, too. Finally, after two or three prodding "Kat?"'s from Meg, she answers: "Was just about to change."

Kat pays no mind to the bruise that starts to form at the back of her head - like a Pavlovian bell, the sound of hitting the lockers sends her heartbeat into a flurry and her tongue darting out to lick her lips in anticipation. She wouldn't have it any other way.

"I can't stand it," Lily pants, practically begs. Her hands grip onto Kat tightly, like she's never letting go. "I can't."

"It's okay," Kat tells her and she almost believes it, wishes it were true so much that it hurts. This isn't really fair, she knows; she isn't acting, she's holding onto Lily and Lily's holding onto her and she never wants it to stop. Lily's lips are frantic, devouring almost, until -

Kat barely stops a whine when Lily pulls away, on cue, the sound of hustle and bustle coming from the end of the hall, Luke walking out. The director yells cut just as he - Freddie - registers seeing them.

Later - the bedroom scene isn't any easier. Lily in bed, next to her, naked, and Kat given free reign to run her hands along bare skin...

And after later, after they're wrapped for the day, after the sun sets, Kat will go to bed and toss and turn throughout the night. She'll close her eyes and Lily's face will be there and she'll catch her hand reaching out across the empty space next to her and she'll curse herself for being so pathetic.

She won't catch a wink of sleep.

"We'll all forget each other after a while." Lily says one time, over lunch, in a painfully casual manner, and Kat nearly drops her fork.

"Do you honestly think that?" she asks, and when Lily looks up, confused, unaware, it only serves to harden her voice. "Or is this just you being a fucking prat?"

One morning, Lily leans against the counter and looks directly at Kat, smiling softly and clearly fighting the urge to bite her lip. It's adorable and Kat hates her a little for it. "I don't wanna just sit inside today. Go out with me?"

Kathryn can't kid herself. She says yes, of course. They go shopping, have a late lunch at a cute diner down the street before impulsively jumping on the tube, Lily talking about a spot that looks out over the city excitedly, wanting to show it to Kat.

The entire day spent together, talking about nothing in particular, noise to fill their ears, but this, in silence, is when it's most intimate. The sun sets behind them, sky burnt orange with purple bleeding through, and leaves rustle along the damp grass, gliding over the backs of their hands as they lean back and look out across the city.

Lily lets her head fall back, looks down her nose at the horizon, eyes barely open but reflecting the light back anyways. Kat looks at her for a long moment before turning back to the view. She feels more than hears Lily sigh next to her, and she soon does the same, like it's contagious.

"I like..." A touch upwards at the corner of her mouth, but Kat has to look hard to see it. "This."

"It's beautiful," Kat says, and means it. The city looks different under this light.

"I tell myself I'll get bored of it, one day." Lily shakes her head. "I think it depends on the day. The better the day, the better the view. And it's a damn good view right now."

Her eyes drift up, until she's staring at the clear sky above them. Kat follows suit, and it's a bit dizzying at first. she holds strong and it's worth it. the sky looks ready to drown in.

"Do you have anywhere to be?" Lily asks, softly. Kat shakes her head. "Can we stay here a while?"

She turns and sees Lily looking at her, expression settled into something soft, almost inviting.

Kat couldn't say no if she tried.

Eventually, they return to the real world. Night falls and the air chills, so they head back to the hotel.

"We can watch something," Lily suggests, and her voice raises a bit quickly, and Kat looks to see her eyes a little wide, a little hopeful, and it strikes her simultaneously that she's both enamored by what she sees and completely, rightly, fucking pissed off.

She's going to say something. She's going to put her foot down and say something and have it all out in the open, becuase this festering just under the surface, this stupid, silly tension they have between them? Kat's fucking sick of it.

"Tomorrow's our last day, you know," Lily says, filling the silence between them. Everything about her softens, her voice, her eyes as they turn downward, glistening in a way Lily's certainly trying to hide.

"It'll just be a few months," Kat offers, but there's no strength to her voice. She walks over to the couch, to Lily. She puts her hand on the edge of it, on one side the remote and on the other Lily's hand, their fingers only centimeters from touching. Kat swallows, and the anger sinks away. She grabs the remote. "Come on, then, one movie won't hurt."

There's an old episode of Shameless - James McAvoy before Atonement, a nostalgia attached to the entire thing, and him opposite Anne-Marie, his future wife. Kat pays attention to this last part, wonders if they knew, starting out, what lay ahead of them.

They couldn't have, could they?

Suddenly, her bra's become quite the inconvenience. She keeps having to adjust her strap and shift on the couch, the leather squeaking with each movement, and she can feel Lily's arm against her own, and it just feels rather awkward. When Lily shifts as well, there's a friction against the fabric of their sleeves and it heats Kat's skin in a way that catches her by surprise. The warmth is intoxicating, and she wants to hold onto it forever.

She moves, most likely in the least subtle way possible, so that she rubs up against Lily again, trying to look at her without turning, to see what her reaction is. Of course, now she's a bra-strap-adjusting, constantly fidgeting weirdo who's staring at her friend from the corner of her eye. Not creepy at all.

"You alright?" Lily asks, without turning. There's a smile thrown in, probably out of habit.

It's really quite ridiculous, this whole thing.

Filming finishes for them, and there isn't as much of a deal made out of it, considering most of the crew will be staying on to film the actual finale, which they're not a part of. Kat's okay with this, and she looks over Lily, checking up on her, a few times on their walk back to the hotel, and she seems pretty okay with it as well. There'll be a proper closing party after the finale's finished, everybody taking the train in from London in a week, but for now, they're to get on the train in the morning and go home.

It's okay - this isn't really the end. A year from now, that'll be it. But Kat doesn't take well to thinking about this too much, pushing it aside as swiftly as she takes off her jacket once they're in the common area between their rooms. The sun's already set, and there are texts as followups from earlier conversations, about going out and having a few drinks. She knows Meg's already out with Lisa, and Merv's off with Luke and Ollie, but Kat's exhausted and sees that Lily is as well.

They step out onto the balcony to have a smoke. Lily hands a fag over to Kat and even lights it for her, eyes meeting as the red glows between them. When the lighter snuffs out, cigarettes properly lit, Lily takes her time looking away, back out across the modest view they have. Kat tries for a thanks, but it comes out throaty and her stomach starts to twist at how ridiculous she feels. She always feels this way around Lily, and it's starting to get -

"You were great." Smoke breathes out like it's as natural as air in her lungs, and it twists in the slight breeze. She smiles a sweet little smile, and glances at Kat from the corner of her eye. "Earlier. You and Meg, you'll steal the show when it airs."

Kat turns to look at her, drops her cigarette over the balcony and not even caring where it drops. She looks at Lily, long and hard, waiting.

Lily seems to know, seems to realize that this little dance of theirs is over. Still: "Take a picture, it'll last longer."

The joke falls ignored and Kat, no pretense, just gets right to it: "We can't keep doing this, acting like nothing happened."

Lily doesn't say anything, takes another drag off her cigarette. It doesn't exactly encourage Kat, but it certainly doesn't stop her.

"I almost think to myself that maybe you don't remember. We were drunk and... maybe you just don't remember and that's why everything's... that's why it's all like this." Kat runs a hand through her hair, her sigh cutting into the silence she gets from Lily. "But then... you can't not remember it, can you? I'd like to think it was something you'd remember doing, unless you're secretly Miss Muff Muncher at night and I just never caught on."

Lily crosses her arms to keep the cold at bay, but the way she shivers, Kat can't help but think it isn't just the night air that's causing it.

"Do you not ever... think about it? Is it honestly this easy for you to just go on about your life like it didn't happen? You didn't strike me as that type."

Lily throws down her fag at this, kills it under her heel and walks back inside. Kat follows, not even remembering to close the sliding door behind her.

"It's not like I'm expecting much but you realize we haven't talked about it once? In fact, it seems like each and every time we've hung out, the topic's been actively avoided. Doesn't do much to help the awkwardness, does it? Think about it, Lily - "

"I think about you enough as it is!" Lily finally says, holding onto the edge of the kitchen counter, knuckles gone stark white. She doesn't look at Kat. "I want it to stop, before - "

"Before what?" Kathryn demands, and is met with silence, Lily averting her eyes even more, before Kat finally just walks over and grabs her arm. "Before what, Lily?"

"Before I can't take it any longer," Lily admits, but there's no softness in her voice, no releif that comes from the admission. She shakes her head, pushes Kat's hand away and walks out of the room.

Kat gives it a long while, staying out in the common, pacing back and forth and running through what just happened. Finally, when she can't take it any longer, she charges into Lily's room, finding her on the bed with her knees pulled up against her chest, looking quite rightly frazzled. "It's not like I'm enjoying this, either. I can barely work around you without thinking..."

"I'm shit at this, is all." Lily looks at her then, and Kat can see in the dark that her eyes are red from crying. "It's better this way, if nothing's made of it."

"You could've fucking let me in on that."

"You don't think it's hard for me, too? It's all good timing, of course, what happened. Got to go into work the next day and have to kiss you and act like I didn't fucking - " Lily looks away, biting down on her lip so hard Kat's sure she'll draw blood. "The problem isn't what you think it is."

Kat tries her best to keep strong, to fight back the urge to hug Lily because fuck, that's all she can think of doing. "What do I think the problem is?"

"I could care less about sleeping with a girl. And I didn't really, with you."

A scoff. "I beg to differ."

"I went and gave you a good time, yeah," Lily shoots back, no hesitation and Kat can feel her own cheeks burning. "But we were drunk, and it was stupid. I woke up and thought - never mind what I thought."

"Maybe I'd like to know - "

"Yeah, well, we don't always get what we want." The second the words come out of her mouth, Lily immediately softens. "I happen to like you. A lot. I like spending time with you, and I'm glad I didn't end up having to act opposite some fucking prat. Not that you don't have your moments..."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

Lily looks at her, and everything feels a bit matter-of-fact, and Kathryn can only wish she could see things as simply. "Sex fucks things up. Seems like every time I try to make something more, it gets messed up and I lose it. We still have another series to go, you know, so you can't blame me for self-preservation."

"Self-preservation," Kat echoes, nods. She sighs if only to keep a sob at bay, and just turns to leave before she makes an even bigger fool out of herself. "Fuck off."

"Don't - !" Lily calls after her and this, this makes Kat stop. As if she hadn't already caught her attention, hook line and sinker, Lily adds, for good measure and no short supply of emotion in her voice: "Don't go. Please."

Kat can't fucking stand it.

The mattress groans under her when she sits at the edge. Small steps. She's certain if she looks at Lily directly, she won't have any control over what she does next.

"I'm sorry, I - " Lily sighs, breath shaky. "I wish I was better at this. Whatever this is."

"I'm no expert, either."

"I'm just... it's a little hard for me to believe any of this. I feel like I'll wake up any moment and this'll all be a dream. I don't - I don't want to ruin it. I like having you around, Kathryn."

This is what Kat turns around at, looks at her head on, and the tears start to burn at the corner of her eyes before she even blinks. "You do, do you?"

Lily shrugs, a mischeivous turn of her lips fighting against exhaustion. "A little bit, yeah."

Just enough resolve comes back to her in this moment and she knows she can't leave it. "We're all scared."

"I know," Lily nods, and Kat believes her. "Just... don't go yet, okay?"

Kat already knows she isn't going anywhere.

Later - Kat's pressed up against Lily's back and her arm wrests perfectly along the curve of her hip. They're not just sharing space: at every fathomable inch they touch. And Kat is very, very aware of this, throat suddenly gone dry and her nerves on sensory overload.

Kat touches her nose against the curve of Lily's shoulder, eyelashes fluttering closed while her breathing slows, warm and moving like liquid along her skin.

"Everything's gonna change." Kathryn lifts her head to look at Lily, sees her eyes drifting closed, words fighting to get through before sleep takes over. "After this, everything's gonna..."

They don't wake until well after noon. The room is properly heated and when they stir awake, they know immediately to move away, spooning unnecesary. Kat stares up at the ceiling while Lily faces away from her. "You think - ?"

"Don't think." Lily reaches back and rests a hand on Kat's, fingers curling under her palm. "It's too early for that."

(TBC)