Merry Christmas, Zenfu!
Title: Wish You Were Here
Pairing: Jaejin/Key (with appearances by F.T Island, '91 Line, OOR)
Rating: PG-13
Length: 6643w
Summary: Jaejin chases after his dream; Kibum thinks Japan is stealing his best friend. Indie Band AU.
Notes: I'm both anxious and excited about this fic because it is outside the confines of my comfort zone in So Many Ways. I just hope I did the request justice, and that this is enjoyed.
For zenfu; Happy Holidays!
Kibum wakes up and finds a note taped on his bedroom door:
Had to leave earlier than planned because Seunghyun’s brother called telling me their mom wants to give me something to hand over to her son. Heading straight to the airport afterwards! Will text you from there.
Didn’t wake you up because you were still so wasted from last night's party. Also, I know how you can get about your beauty rest! Harhar jk. ;D Don’t do anything you won’t do if I’m around to stop you from doing it!
-Jaejin
It’s 9 in the morning, and he’s pretty annoyed.
“Courtesy, geez,” he mutters to himself, crumpling the paper as he groggily walks out, stepping over his some of his friends still passed out in the living room so he can get to the kitchen.
It’s like his best friend doesn’t even realise that hey, Kibum might’ve wanted to see him and say goodbye properly before he goes off and disappears into Japan again.
Well of course, that was what the goodbye party last night was about, but still. Still.
When he looks in the pantry and realises that he's all out of ground coffee, he knows for sure that it really isn’t going to be a good day.
He blames Jaejin.
-
Jaejin has been living in Japan for the last two years, staying at a dinky two-room flat with 4 other guys that he’s never really sure if he’s lucky or not to be able to call bandmates.
Most days it’s the former, at least.
The move had been Hongki’s brain child, after some then (and still is, for the most part) very under the radar indie label had contacted them about one of the many demos they’d sent out a few months before that. The deal they had been offered wasn’t stellar, but it was to be expected considering that 1) they were a totally no name Korean band wanting to somehow make it in Japan, and 2) they were signing with a small company.
There should have probably been more resistance to the idea, but the thing is, it had come at a very opportune time. Seunghyun and Minhwan had just graduated from high school, and Jaejin had been contemplating about spending his second year of university in Japan as part of an exchange program one of his professors had recommended him for. Only the idea of leaving the band, and most likely being replaced had been stopping him from accepting, and, well.
Hongki had been ready to drop school right then and there, with Jonghun right on his heels.
“You’re supposed to go to Japan to study,” Kibum had reminded him when he watched Jaejin pack his things.
Outside of his family, his sister most especially, Kibum has always been the biggest supporter of Jaejin’s musical endeavours, so Jaejin simply chalked his attitude to his best friend already missing him before he even left.
“Just say so,” he even teased. “Because I’ll miss you too, Kibummie.”
Kibum had scowled at him. “What happens after the first year? Do you honestly think your band will make it there within a year? Will you come back to study here? Have you really thought this through, Jaejin?”
Jaejin shrugged. “We’ll see, who knows, and I’ll cross that bridge when I get there?”
What actually happens is: 1) he passes his classes, 2) they don’t (but no one expected to anyway, they all know it will take time and hard work), and 3) no, he didn’t. After the first year, he filled out paperwork so he can officially transfer universities. But then after a semester of balancing a regular course-load with band practice and part-time jobs that he needed because he was no longer getting allowance from the exchange program, nor was he living in a cheap on campus dormitory, he eventually filed a leave of absence.
His parents were upset, but his father had thankfully chosen to just be more or less supportive, so his mother followed suit.
“Why couldn’t you just have chosen to audition in one of the many idol agencies here at home,” his sister had sighed at him after he broke the news.
“You know we’re not about just the fame, noona,” he’d said. “We really want this.”
“I can’t believe you,” Kibum had told him. “I knew fucking Japan would steal you away.”
Jaejin had just grinned at him. He knew never to take Kibum’s profanities seriously. “I’ll visit. When I get extra cash or something.”
“Yeah, sure,” Kibum mumbled.
Jaejin has actually just returned from a week and a half visit back at home, where apart from the first three days where he’d gone home to his family, he’d mostly stayed at Kibum’s apartment right up until his last night, when his friends had thrown him a surprise party.
“For a safe trip, and for your birthday,” Kibum had explained. “Since you won’t be here on your birthday. Again.”
He’s looking through the pictures taken at the party on his camera when Seunghyun barges into the bedroom they share with Minhwan, presumably just coming home from his job. Jaejin glances at his wristwatch-6PM. That means everyone else should be coming home soon.
“Hyung! You’re back!” Seunghyun exclaims, lighting up before crashing on the futon beside Jaejin. “How was home?”
“Still the same,” Jaejin shrugs. “Your mother sent you some warm clothes for the season.”
“Ah, thanks for acting courier hyung.” Seunghyun grins at him. And then he groans, rolling over and burying his head into his pillow. “I’m so tired.”
“Did anything new happen while I was away?” Jaejin asks.
“Hm. Well.” Seunghyun turns his head around so he doesn’t sound smothered. “Jonghun-hyung went out on a date.”
Jaejin laughs. “That’s not new.”
“Guess not.” Seunghyun snorts. “Oh. Right! We have a gig scheduled this weekend. Jonghun-hyung was saying that if we sell a certain number of our CDs at the event, the management promised something big.”
“Something big?” Jaejin asks.
Seunghyun smiles sheepishly. “Him and Hongki-hyung were talking about it yesterday, but I was kind of falling asleep in the middle of it all.”
They hear the front door open and close, and then a scuffle of feet moving around the tiny apartment.
“I think they’re home,” Seunghyun says. “You can ask them yourself what this big development is all about.”
The big thing is a tour.
It’s not really their own tour-they’re going to be fronting for ONE OK ROCK, which is the only band among the handful that their label is in contract with that actually gets repeated airtime on the radio. Even without counting that fact, ONE OK ROCK is also the one band in their label that gets the most underground buzz, so fronting for them all over the country would definitely help them a long way.
Needless to say, the entire band is ecstatic about it.
“Fuck, our jobs though,” Jonghun groans. The tour is going to take roughly two months, and they'll be playing at around 2 to 3 live houses in cities all over the country. It meant they’ll have to take time off from their part-time jobs, which at the moment, is every body’s main source of income.
“Right.” Hongki rolls his eyes. “You’re totally whining about your minimum wage job at a fucking Burger King, when we’re getting one step closer to something we’ve wanted since high school.”
Jonghun laughs. “Don’t be so testy. And I just got promoted, mind you.” His voice is teasing though, like he’s mocking the fact that Hongki took his statement so seriously. “Shift manager.”
Hongki just makes a face at him.
Jaejin’s friends are mostly been excited for him when he tells them about the live house tour over skype.
“I’m a little jealous,” Jinwoon says.
“I wonder if there’s any way we can go and catch a show,” Dongwoon muses.
It makes Jaejin laugh, because they’ll be playing at most 3 to 4 songs per location, but he’s really excited and happy about the support he’s getting from his friends. Their band isn’t really a household name yet, but they’re slowly getting their name out there, at least in the indie circuit, and this is something that’s big enough for him to brag about to his friends.
“Hey, I’m displaying my shit at an art showing that the art department is going to have at the end of this month,” Kibum tells Jaejin when everyone else has logged out and it’s just the two of them talking online.
Kibum has been Jaejin’s best friend since middle school, from the time Kibum planted his things on the desk next Jaejin’s and more or less declared them to be so. Jaejin’s family had just moved to the city, and for some reason that Kibum has never been able to articulate properly, he had caught Kibum’s eye.
Eventually it becomes pretty evident that Kibum has a thing for picking up strays that he deems interesting, and this is how their group grows-Dongwoon, during their second year of junior high, and then Chulyong in high school, and then shortly after that, Jinwoon. They’re all good friends, but Kibum is the only one Jaejin ever refers to as his best friend, and it goes both ways.
“That’s big!” Jaejin exclaims. “Congratulations, wish I could be there.”
“Same,” Kibum says. He shrugs his shoulders but he’s smiling.
“You make me feel homesick sometimes,” Jaejin tells Kibum jokingly.
“Is that such a bad thing?” Kibum raises an eyebrow.
Jaejin just laughs. All jokes are half-meant, he thinks, but what he says is, “Good luck with your show.”
“You too.”
The tour starts at Nagoya, and they get there, along with their equipment, on a ratty old coaster bus rented by the agency, but driven by ONE OK ROCK’s drummer, Tomoya.
Seunghyun makes a quip about how it feels like one of those old high school field trips, which somehow sparks a nostalgic discussion about high school between both bands.
“He’s so fucking hyper.” It’s Ryota, ONE OK ROCK’s bassist who is seated across the aisle from Jaejin. He nods towards Seunghyun as he says it, with a somewhat amused expression on his face. “Is he always like that?”
Jaejin snorts. “More or less.”
Toru, who is seated next to Ryota, laughs. “He keeps pulling Taka’s leg, and it’s working.”
Jaejin turns his head around and sees Seunghyun and Taka in a little friendly argument, with Minhwan beside them looking like he doesn’t know whether to break it up or crack up.
Jaejin snorts again. “Looks to me like they’re having fun.”
Ryota and Toru just exchange looks and laugh.
At their first event, their band shares the line-up with a local band, and they play only three songs-a cover and two originals; music by Jonghun and lyrics by Jaejin, who’s always been the best in Japanese out of the five of them.
“Nice songs,” Toru comments as they walk off stage. “That last one, it’s new? It’s not on your EP right?”
Jaejin shakes his head. “This is the first time we performed it publicly.”
Toru nods in approval. “Nice job, dude.”
Jaejin grins at him, and ahead of him Hongki turns around to meet his eyes, looking pretty pleased himself.
Yellow Flags.
It’s the name of their band; a name that came from Jaejin absentmindedly tying to Hongki’s bedpost a random yellow kerchief he'd found lying on the floor of Hongki’s bedroom.
“Our fans can wave yellow flags for us too, instead of having balloons,” Jonghun had suggested. “Like, you know how tying yellow ribbons around a tree means welcoming someone home? It could mean our fans welcoming us into their hearts everytime they see us.” It's something Jaejin still isn't sure until now if he was being serious about.
“That just sounds amazingly cheesy, you idiot.” Hongki had laughed. “We're not going to be a fucking idol group. We're going to be a band and we don't need shit like balloons or flags.”
They had been talking about fans they didn't even have yet, but somehow it ends up becoming their band name instead.
Jaejin has been with them since his last year of junior high school, when he’d picked up playing the bass (because the guitar, which he’d fundamentally learned to play when he was 11, was nice, but there was something different and more interesting about laying down the beat with a bass guitar, something fascinating about the setting the harmonic and rhythmic framework of a song). He was a year younger than them, but Jaejin met Jonghun at cram school, and he’d mentioned forming a band with his good friend Hongki, and “would you like to come and play and maybe join?”
It’s Jaejin who brings Seunghyun in, introduced to him by Kibum on Seunghyun’s first day of high school. They were looking for a drummer, really, not another guitarist, but it’s Seunghyun who gets them Minhwan, and once it’s the five of them, no one ever really looks back.
Jaejin never has, anyway. It’s been more than five years, and he knows he’s still young, but he’s grown so much musically, and he’s grown so much with this set of people, and this is his dream now, and there’s no way he’s just going to let go of it.
The thing is, Jaejin can’t even really begin to explain the feeling of being praised like that, after a live performance, even if it's just three little words, especially by someone he more or less looks up to. Nice job, dude.
For that matter, Jaejin can’t really begin to explain what kind of high performing on stage produces either.
He just knows that it feels really damn good.
At Osaka, they actually get to stay at a decent inn instead of at a super cheap motel, with 5 people to a room. Osaka is where Toru and Ryota are from, and the inn is Ryota’s family’s business.
The fact that it’s their hometown also probably the reason why they insist on taking out everyone to go drinking after their lives.
“I’m in,” Hongki answers immediately, even raising his hand in excitement. As if he’s ever going to pass up free booze.
There had been a pretty decent turnout; the place had looked pretty full, and everyone is still high from performing. Jaejin isn’t sure exactly how long it actually takes, but it doesn’t really take a lot for all of them to get drunk.
Jaejin, at least, is really, really drunk by the time the phone in his pocket starts ringing. He whips it out, glances at the screen, and vaguely catches a fuzzy number 2. It’s either midnight or two in the morning, he figures. Maybe 5AM if his world has already begun turning itself inside out and wrong way around, which sometimes happens when he’s inebriated.
He raises a hand as if to motion for everyone else to be quiet, which doesn’t really work because everyone is too drunk and having too much fun acting like drunk idiots.
“Hello?” It’s Kibum at the other end of the line.
“Hey!” Jaejin slurs, his face lighting up.
“Is that his girlfriend?” Someone stage whispers to someone else. Jaejin thinks it must be Taka, talking to Jonghun-a few minutes earlier he’d been practically in Jonghun’s face, drunkenly marveling at how beautiful Jonghun is for a man. Or it could be Ryota’s girlfriend, talking to Ryota. Maybe even Tomoya, just randomly voicing a question out loud-Jaejin is so out of it, his brain can’t even identify the voice properly. “Why is he so happy?”
Hongki snorts. “He wishes he had a girlfriend.”
Jaejin makes a face at him. “Hello?” Kibum repeats from the other end of the line. “You busy?”
“KIBUM.” Jaejin repeats Kibum’s name too, just as slurred as before, but a little louder. “Wait a minute.”
He walks to a corner of the room before speaking again. “Hi! Hey!”
“You’re drunk.” Kibum says it matter-of-factly.
“A little,” Jaejin admits. He misses a beat, but then he starts up again. “Hey dude. I miss you.”
“You really are drunk.” Kibum snorts from the other end of the line.
“Yeah, I know.” Jaejin giggles. Someone is shouting something he can’t make out in the background.
There’s a long pause from the other end and then Jaejin doesn’t remember what happens after that.
Jaejin dreams about Kibum.
He dreams of his last night in Seoul, the night before his flight back to Japan, just talking with Kibum in his bedroom, catching up.
Kibum is going on and on and on and fucking on, and it’s all things Jaejin already knows about, because it’s not like they don’t talk online or on the phone, but Kibum is re-hashing everything anyway, from Jinwoon’s on and off relationship with his girlfriend, to Chulyong declaring to that he’s swearing off girls but then hooking up with some chick the night right after he says that.
His mouth is just going on and on, and Jaejin is just laughing at everything until he, even though he’s only really had one bottle of beer, and is mostly sober, leans in and kisses his best friend right on the lips.
When Jaejin wakes up, it’s all still so vivid. He knows that’s probably because it’s really less a dream, and more an actual memory.
And it’s not even the first time that it’s happened.
The first time is when they’re seventeen, drinking alcohol, and getting buzzed for the first time, together. Chulyong is passed out (and in retrospect it’s a little funny because he’s going to turn out to be the biggest drinker out of all of them), and Dongwoon had left the room five minutes ago, rushing to the bathroom, either to pee or vomit, neither Jaejin or Kibum are really thinking about it.
It’s Kibum who makes the first move at the time, but Jaejin doesn’t really protest. He kisses back readily, like he’s been expecting it, even though he wasn’t really. When Kibum’s mouth opens a little, Jaejin does the same, and then there are tongues involved, and then roaming hands-and then Chulyong makes a loud, heaving sound, and Kibum and Jaejin immediately pull apart.
They’re both out of breath, their lips swollen. Their cheeks are flushed, partly from the alcohol, but mostly not really. Chulyong doesn’t wake up, he just rolls over on the floor; Kibum mutters that it’s probably time to sleep at exactly the same time that Jaejin suggests it’s probably time to check on Dongwoon in the bathroom.
The next day, Kibum declares “I’m never going to get as drunk as I did last night,” and Jaejin knows it’s his way of saying that there is no fucking way they are talking about what happened the night before, so he doesn’t mention it.
“You’re my best friend,” is what Jaejin says instead. “You know that right?”
Seunghyun is quick in uploading pictures from their drinking night on Facebook.
When Jaejin wakes up around noon the day after, he’s already tagged in 88 pictures, most in which he looks incredibly stupid. Although he figures at least he can be thankful that he’s not the only one.
He cracks up when he scrolls past a picture of Taka giving Jonghun an obnoxious looking smooch on the cheek.
“How do I not remember this happening?!” He asks out loud, laughing.
Hongki looks over his shoulder and snorts. “You were on the phone.”
Oh right. Kibum called. Jaejin flips his phone open and checks the recent calls list. Right. That wasn’t a dream, then.
As if on cue, a tiny prompt pops up on Jaejin’s screen telling him that Kibum has just gone online.
“Hey!” He messages, along with a little nudge. “You called last night?”
At least five minutes pass before Kibum responds. “You were drunk as a fish, weren’t you?”
“Hehe. Sorta,” Jaejin admits. “What did we talk about? Did you call to talk about anything in particular?”
Jaejin has to wait another five to ten minutes before he gets a reply. “Not really,” flashes on the screen, “I forget now why I called in the first place.”
Jaejin is still typing a reply, when Kibum types another line. “Anyway, gotta go. Talk to you later.”
And then “KimKey is now OFFLINE” is flashing on the screen, and Jaejin is left with a one way conversation window.
They play at a handful of little clubs in Osaka, and then they move on to Fukuoka. It’s a long and tiring drive, so Hongki somehow manages to convince Jonghun that they should spend their first day there sight-seeing instead of worrying and practicing, and Jaejin decides to tag along.
Jonghun and Hongki are taking stupid touristy pictures on the streets when Jaejin suddenly feels his phone vibrate in his pocket.
“Hello?” It’s Dongwoon.
“Hey!” Jaejin exclaims, excited. “What’s with all the calls I’ve been getting recently? You guys miss me more than usual?”
Dongwoon laughs from the other end of the line. “Yeah, sure, maybe.” He pauses. “Kibum misses you”
Jaejin laughs. “The rest of you guys don’t?”
“You know what I mean.”
“You felt the need to call me just to tell me this?” Jaejin teases.
Dongwoon shrugs. “He’s been acting really weird since you left again for Japan, to be honest.”
“Mhm?”
“Did anything happen?” Dongwoon asks, sounding suspicious even through the phone.
Jaejin laughs uneasily. “I don’t think so?”
“Well. Okay.” Dongwoon sighs. He doesn’t sound convinced, but he’s never been the type to push either. “So how’s Japan? From pictures, you seem like you’ve especially been having the time of your life recently.”
Jaejin ignores how loaded that comment sounds, and laughs instead. “Great!” He exclaims, and then he launches into a rushed speech about how amazing the last few lives have been.
“So this guy,” Toru starts. “This best friend of yours, what’s the deal with that?”
Jaejin isn’t sure how the two of them ended up hanging out together, but it’s their third day at Fukuoka, and everyone else is asleep after the previous night’s performance had been cancelled (the first ever hiccup in their mini so-called tour), and Hongki, of course had proposed another round of getting wasted instead of just turning in early.
“Fuck our crappy roach-infested motel rooms!” Hongki had exclaimed, and Taka had firmly backed his suggestion up.
Except now it’s 7AM, and Jaejin is up while everyone else is passed out in their rooms, because he hadn’t really wanted another repeat of the night when Kibum called. He’d decided to go on a morning walk, and he’d come across Toru in front of the motel, halfway done with a cigarette.
“What do you mean what’s the deal?” Jaejin asks.
“I hear you’re in a fight.” Toru lights another cigarette. He offers Jaejin one, but the latter refuses. They’re leaning against their minibus, and during the last thirty minutes that they’ve been hanging out, Toru had already gone through three Marlboro sticks.
Jaejin laughs. “Didn’t peg you for a gossip, Toru-san.”
“I’m not.” Toru snorts. “Your bandmates are, though.”
Jaejin laughs again. “True,” he admits. “You and Ryota-san ever fight? You’ve been together since... high school. Right? That’s what I hear.”
Toru laughs. “Try since I was 9, and he was 8. We used to be into J-Hiphop, and then I saw this goddamn rock band perform and I fell in love. He was the first person I wanted in my band even though he knew shit about playing any instruments.”
Jaejin laughs. “Yeah?”
“I told him that didn’t matter, we can learn together.” Toru smirks. “I bought myself a guitar, and pawned the bass off on him.”
Jaejin shrugs good-naturedly. “Sounds like a most beneficial friendship.”
Toru laughs again. “We’re best friends.”
Jaejin turns to look at him, and there’s something about his expression that Jaejin can’t quite place a finger on.
“So. You ever fight?” He repeats his original question instead.
“Don’t all friends fight?” Toru shrugs. “Not a lot though. But then again, we’re not in a long-distance relationship.”
“You say that like you’re implying something,” Jaejin eyes him warily.
Toru smirks again. “I’m not. But your gossipy band mates like to imply a lot of somethings, though.”
Jaejin groans. “Of course.”
Toru shakes his head, smiling. “That Seunghyun’s got a mouth on him. That Hongki too, especially when he’s drunk.”
Jaejin shoves his hands into his hoodie’s pockets, a little annoyed at his friends. It’s not like he’s told them anything about him and Kibum, because it’s not even like there’s anything to tell, but they’ve all known each other for years, not to mention he’s lived with them for the last couple of years. Jonghun had once told Jaejin that he’s an open book, mostly because of the way he outwardly squirms when someone is onto him-maybe he’s right. He has recently avoided any and all talk involving Kibum.
“Do you remember telling him you love him that night?” Toru asks all of a sudden.
“Huh?” Jaejin doesn’t. “But hey, we’re allowed to tell our friends we love them right?”
Toru snorts. “It seemed different though. The way you said it.”
Jaejin looks at him, puzzled.
Toru grins, and holds his left hand to his hear, pretending it’s a phone. “Kibummie, I miss you.” His imitation is a little gruff, and his Korean totally heinous, but Jaejin gets what he’s doing. “I love you. So damn much. Kibum. I’m drunk. Honestly drunk. I love you.”
Jaejin stares at him. He doesn’t remember any of that at all. Toru laughs at his expression.
“Something like that anyway,” Toru says, taking one last hit off his cigarette before throwing it on the road and putting it out with the toe of his Converse All-Stars.
“Well. Shit,” Jaejin mutters under his breath.
Toru lights another cigarette again, and holds out the pack towards Jaejin. There’s only one stick left, and Jaejin finally gives in and takes it.
“So what’s the story there?” Toru asks. “Your bandmates are blabbermouths, but they seem to have no idea what the actual score is.”
Jaejin snorts, holding out his cigarette for Toru to light up. “I have no idea, to be honest.”
“But there’s something?”
Jaejin shrugs. “Maybe.”
Toru raises an eyebrow, but he doesn’t pry anymore.
“So. You and Ryota-san?” Jaejin asks, puffing smoke. It’s his turn to ask questions.
“What about me and him?” Toru says.
Jaejin shrugs.
“He has a girlfriend,” Toru says. “Generally he likes girls. Can’t blame him, you know? Girls are nice. I like girls. I just happen to like guys too.”
“Hm.” Jaejin looks at him, unsure what to say.
Toru shrugs, a half-smile painted on his face. “But fuck that.” He grins. “If he was so obviously into me, I won’t waste any fucking time, you know?”
When Jaejin logs onto Facebook again, he finds pictures of Kibum and his friends drunk and partying at Kibum’s apartment. There’s a face that Jaejin doesn’t recognize, but the name he’s tagged with is very familiar.
“I’m seeing someone,” Kibum had told Jaejin two months ago.
This is something that Jaejin has never told anyone. He’s not even sure if any of their friends at home know anything about it-although maybe now they do, considering they were all just drinking with him.
At the time, Jaejin had grinned, and asked, “Who’s the lucky girl?”
Kibum had visibly cringed through the camera, straight through Jaejin’s monitor, and for the first time in years, Jaejin had allowed himself to think about their kiss. It’s how he knew it’s not a girl-it all just clicked into place.
“You know right?” Kibum asked.
They stared at each other for a minute, and even a sea apart, even just through computer monitors, they can still read each other perfectly.
“Who’s the lucky guy?” Jaejin asked, reframing his question.
“Someone I met in class,” Kibum said. “It’s really just a casual thing, but I wish you could meet him.”
Jaejin nodded wordlessly.
“You’re the first person I’m telling,” Kibum added, which made Jaejin laugh. Of course. He hadn’t expected any less.
And then they stared at each other again for about a minute, and Jaejin just knew-they were both looking back at that time.
“Wish you were here,” Kibum said, but then shortly after he had to log off, and Jaejin had been left with nothing but confused feelings and memories.
He’s remembering that time again, and he can’t help but think about how Kibum had been the one to shy away from talking about that first kiss, that it had been Kibum to first pretend that nothing had occurred, and it was Kibum to push him towards a girl the first chance he got afterwards.
He wonders what would have happened if they’d woken up and talked about that kiss despite being hung over as fuck. If he’d insisted on the talk despite Kibum outwardly indicating that he didn’t want to. But honestly, it’s not like Jaejin was ready then.
Not that he’s ready now, because he’s not even really sure what there is to be ready for, but still. What if?
He thinks maybe this is the same train of thought that had pushed him to kiss Kibum after seeing him again when he last visited back home. But then he had been the one to run away from that, so who knows whose choices it really is that has gotten him and Kibum to where they are.
In the end though, Jaejin knows that too much thinking isn’t going to get him anywhere.
Their band plays a killer set that night.
They go back to Tokyo for the last leg of their tour, and to pick up their lives where they left them off. They have a week off before their next gig, and the five of them spend most of that time scrambling to find new part time jobs, because their pantry is empty, not to mention they had plans to cut another EP soon.
Jaejin finds Kibum waiting by their doorstep one afternoon, two days away from their next live house gig.
“You’re here.” Jaejin simply states it, and Kibum simply nods. “Just you?”
“I left the others at the hostel we’re staying at,” Kibum answers.
Jaejin smiles, rummaging through his bag for his house keys. It’s more than a little awkward, which is weird-any other time, Kibum would have probably tackled him already, or at least made a crack about how Japan doesn’t seem to be treating Jaejin well.
“Where are the others?” Kibum asks when Jaejin opens the door and lets him in. “Seunghyunnie? Hongki-hyung?”
“Work,” Jaejin answers, taking off his shoes.
Jaejin turns to look at his friend; Kibum swallows.
“You’re blonde.” Kibum comments, after looking at him from head to toe. “And you got a haircut.”
Jaejin laughs. “Lost a bet last week. You should see the other band’s guitarist-doesn’t look nearly as good as I do with this hairstyle.”
Kibum snorts. “Hongki-hyung’s been rubbing off on you.”
Jaejin shrugs, and then he takes a deep breath. “I missed you.”
Kibum nods. “Me too.”
Jaejin shifts his weight from his left foot to his right, and he and Kibum regard each other warily.
“Guess we’re supposed to talk, huh?” He says.
It’s Kibum’s turn to shrug. “Guess so.”
Before Jaejin could say that they should probably go somewhere else, the door knob turns and Seunghyun and Minhwan are both stumbling into the tiny apartment.
“Hyung!” Seunghyun greets, face lighting up with surprise. Even Minhwan grins and gives Kibum a hug.
“Have you come to see Jaejin-hyung play?” Minhwan asks. “We have a live the day after tomorrow, you’ll be there right?”
“Of course.” Kibum nods. “Dongwoonie and the others are here too.”
“Oh that reminds me-Jonghun-hyung said him and Hongki-hyung will just meet us for rehearsal tonight,” Seunghyun pipes up, checking his watch. “In about an hour.”
“Oh.” Kibum’s face falls a little. “Right. Good luck with that.”
Jaejin just smiles at everyone-whatever talk he was going to have with Kibum will just have to wait.
The thing about Jaejin’s friendship with Kibum is that they’ve never really needed words to talk about what they are to each other.
Kibum has always had his art, the same way Jaejin has always had his music, and those have always been the ways in which they chose to express themselves.
They can and do talk about anything and everything under the sun, at least except when it came to defining the boundaries of their friendship. They’re best friends, that much is said aloud, over and over and over again, but the lengths they’d do for each other are never vocalized.
Jaejin figures no one really does that anyway. He also figures if he sometimes feels funny about Kibum, it shouldn’t really mean anything either-it’s just them being them.
But maybe if there was ever a time to sit down and talk about each other, now would be it.
It’s a little strange seeing his friends in the audience in a tiny live house in Japan. It’s a little funny too, because Chulyong and Jinwoon had volunteered to man the booth and sell their CDs, and Chulyong (as always) is going a little overboard-advertising in a loud, choppy mix of crappy English and Korean with a sprinkling of heavily accented Japanese.
“You’re just turning people off,” Kibum scolds him.
“No I’m not,” Chulyong argues. “They find me absolutely charming.”
Jinwoon laughs. “I think they just might. He just sold a handful of CDs.”
“Seriously?” Jaejin blinks at them. And then he laughs. “If we sell a handful at a single show we count it as a huge success already.”
Chulyong grins. “I’m your good luck charm.” He gives Jaejin a little push. “Now go on stage and blow everyone away.”
Kibum snorts, but he glances at Jaejin and gives him a brief, encouraging smile.
Their live goes smoothly, and Jaejin thinks it feels even better knowing that the loudest cheers from the audience are coming from his friends.
“So. We do this now?”
All his friends, from his band to the other band (as Kibum always refers to ONE OK ROCK), to Chulyong and Dongwoon and Jinwoon, have all gone out. Because clearly karaoke and beer are the tools to use when getting people to overcome obvious language barriers.
They’re all inside, with Chulyong most probably massacre-ing some song while Hongki watches with a horrified expression-Jaejin and Kibum are outside the building, leaning against staircase railings.
Jaejin, who is fiddling with a lonely cigarette stick, is the one who asks.
Kibum stares at Jaejin’s fingers, and ignores the question. “Are you going to light that up? Are you a chain smoker now? You didn’t really used to care much for smoking.”
Jaejin rolls his eyes, and pockets the cigarette. He stares at Kibum, who inhales and exhales a huge puff of breath. “Well?” He asks.
Kibum shoves his hands into his pockets. “Well,” he says.
Jaejin laughs lowly, a little awkwardly. He bites the inside of his cheek, waiting for Kibum to say more. He half expects tumbleweed to roll by in front of them.
“Do you remember that summer when we got drunk, and Dongwoon spent the whole night vomiting in the bathroom of Chulyong’s sister’s apartment?” Kibum finally says.
Jaejin nods. “When we first kissed,” he says boldly, surprising even himself.
Kibum scoffs, a half-smile escaping his lips. “So you do remember.”
“You were the one who didn’t want to talk about it,” Jaejin points out. “The one who acted like there’s no way it was going to happen again.”
Kibum laughs, but it sounds a little self-deprecating. “Because I thought you’d think I really meant for it to happen.”
Jaejin is stung a little by the confession. “So you didn’t?”
Kibum looks down. “...kinda did.”
Jaejin stares at him. Kibum can be so fucking confusing sometimes, but before this, Jaejin has always been able to translate his best friend perfectly.
Kibum sighs. “You know, we were seventeen. We were in high school, and we’ve been friends for years. And to top it all off-” he pauses and takes a deep breath, “-we’re both boys.”
Jaejin lips tighten, and he grinds his teeth. If he was going to be honest, that last part is the main reason why he’s tried to avoid dealing with whatever feelings he might have for Kibum. It was bad enough that getting involved would mean risking their friendship but it was also just... generally easier with girls. No complications, and no explanations needed.
He nods slowly, and then he asks. “Now?”
“Now, we’re 21 and a few years wiser,” Kibum says simply. “I can tell you now that I’m into guys. Boys. Men. Whatever you want to call them. Can you accept that? Because not everyone can, or will.”
Jaejin laughs, because he can’t help himself. He shakes his head, smiling. “I love you, Kibum,” he says. Straight to the point and very matter-of-fact.
Kibum looks at him warily, and Jaejin realises that he’s not alone in being unable to properly read Kibum-it goes both ways.
“I know you do,” Kibum says, slowly, carefully. “I love you too, but this goes beyond friendship, Jaejinnie.”
Jaejin laughs again, lightly elbowing Kibum, as if it well help jolt his friend into understanding. “That’s kind of what I meant too.”
Kibum’s eyes widen, and it’s so amusing because this is the first time Jaejin has ever seen Kibum looks so unguarded and surprised. “Oh. Well.” But of course, it’s typical of Kibum to attempt to play it cool.
“Dude.” Jaejin is beginning to crack up.
Kibum smacks him hard on the shoulder, but the smile quickly beginning to form on Kibum’s face is unmistakable.
“What does this mean though, with that guy?” Jaejin asks, uneasily shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “Your boyfriend. Who you keep telling me I should meet, but was mysteriously nowhere to be found the entire time I was back home in Korea.”
“Woohyun?” Kibum snorts, choking back laughter. “I told you that was a casual thing. We had fun, and he kind of helped me go through personal shit that I needed to work out about myself and... my sexuality but-but well he’s not... he’s not my boyfriend.”
Jaejin fidgets with his sweater’s left sleeve. “You couldn’t have asked my help?” He frowns.
Kibum laughs again. “Are you jealous? This is new. I always feel like I’m the one who’s jealous of every other thing in your life.” He grins. “I kind of like this feeling.”
Jaejin groans. “I’m due a little bit of jealousy, okay,” he says.
Kibum grins. “I just told you I like it. And we fooled around a little, yeah, but we were never serious. That was clear from the get go. We’re too alike to ever make an actual relationship work out in the long run.”
“Well. Okay.” Jaejin nods. “And us?”
“Us what?” Kibum asks.
“Us. What about us? What, we don’t have anything in common?” Jaejin frowns.
Kibum smiles, amused. “Of course we do. But in a different way. A... more complementary way.”
Jaejin sighs, and Kibum looks at him.
“What do you really want to say, Jaejin?” Kibum asks.
“What are we? I do still live in Japan, Kibum,” Jaejin points out. “And I don’t think I’ll be coming home to Korea permanently anytime soon.”
“So there’s a we here?” Kibum asks, his tone teasing.
Jaejin glares at him, and Kibum laughs. But then they both go quiet, until Kibum sighs deeply.
“What if I move here?” He asks, and Jaejin nearly gapes at him.
Kibum laughs and shrugs. “Not right now, obviously,” he clarifies. “I still have a year and a half before I get my art degree, thank you very much.”
Jaejin grins. He didn’t really expect Kibum to just up and drop everything for him. Kibum isn’t a particularly dedicated student, but he’s a very dedicated person, and he always sees things through until the end.
“But you know, after graduation,” Kibum continues. “If you’re still here, being a badass rockstar-” they both choke back laughter, “-it’s not like moving away will stop me from doing what I want. In fact, with art, it’s probably better if I move to another place, you know?”
Jaejin’s smile is something he can’t help. “I love you,” he says, and he doesn’t know why he says it-the words just simply slide off his tongue.
Kibum rolls his eyes. “Okay now you’re just being sappy.”
Jaejin laughs, and Kibum laughs along, and they just stand there side by side for at least thirty minutes more until Chulyong and Seunghyun, both looking pretty drunk, comes out and finds them, demanding they go back inside to “sing and party and get high with the rest of us!”
-
Kibum wakes up to a paper envelope taped on his bedroom door; inside is a one way ticket to Japan, a flight that’s scheduled to fly in eight hours.
It’s 9 in the morning, and he’s feeling pretty good.
He’s more than awake as he heads to the kitchen, and it doesn’t even bother him when he realises that his coffeemaker is already safely packed away in the box marked “kitchen things.”
He feels really light, and strangely happy and it just seems like it’s going to be a good day no matter what.
He blames Jaejin.