(Untitled)

[deathcab89]

Edits (especially Dylan edits) on this piece would be extremely appreciated. Be harsh. Rip it apart. I have far too much ego. And this needs some work still, I think. Feedback is required of those who read this. I'm not kidding. (Okay, fine, I am.)

Longacre Estates

Grapes drop into your hands decieved,
fingers - long, curling vines. So thin, lily
stems

Comments

[mark__mywords]

this is fucking brilliant.
i love it.

my suggestions would be to take out the "diamonds in our eyes" because i think its too cliche, and because it detracts from the image of the pedals. so i would take out lines 4 and 5 and replace with something like "up to your petal eyes"

also, i dont really undertand why you are wearing black gloves. assuming im reading that correctly. you could tell me and id be enlightened, but if you dont want to explain it i think it still adds to the poem.

great work. write more. i might not like all of them as much though, because i think this poem is really something great. ps im not drunk but iim going to go buy some red wine.

[mark__mywords]

oh i didnt notice the title before. it seems to fit the first stanza, but im confused as to where you are.

[deathcab89]

I just arbitrarily name pieces. I'm awful with titles. It's actually kind of sad.

Most of the inconsistencies you pointed out, like the black gloves is just part of my desperate need to randomly add imagery all the time. It's truly an obession.

I agree with the "diamonds in your eyes" comment. I'll work on editing those couple lines and post an updated version in the near future.

[mark__mywords]

i look forward to your revisions. yeah i usually dont even use titles, though i think its better when people do.