"I… don't really have a name for my sword." AJ said sheepishly. If naming a weapon is so important, why didn't Bob tell you the name of the sword? It's not like this just magically appeared (although it wouldn't be any dumber if it had).
while AJ laughed/gasped a little. If you want to sell me on this relationship, how about Boy gets angry on her behalf or something. He's gotten angry over far lesser things than this, after all. Instead, he's just laughing at her.
The one that didn't, which was behind her, was stabbed with claws and pulled away from the group with his screams muffled. Yeah, attack a guy during a Mexican standoff. Great idea. Then when his gun goes off and shoots Blake, it'll be all your fault. And it's not like this is one of the guys you spend last chapter randomly defending (despite not having an emotional attachment to) or anything like that. And how about some kind of response? The White Fang aren't going to just sit around while someone kills their friend. This situation should have exploded right then.
"I still don't think the White Fang are behind the robberies." AJ said. "They could be, but I really think its Torchwich.
Once again, the Stuthor is jumping around and waving his hands yelling "I WATCHED AHEAD!" *slaps the Stuthor's avatar with a sign that says "shut up"* Stop that!
"You would have lost anyone else with that." AJ deadpanned. "But lucky for you I got that, and you're right."
Um, what? You lost me there, Boy... were we not meant to get that? Sun was pretty damn clear.
Also, seriously think about what's going on in the scene before you have Boy prematurely raise the "I'm speshul" flag. Blake was the only person there to respond to Sun when he said that, and she understood him just fine. You have no frame of reference in this scene that would indicate that anyone else wouldn't understand Sun. So kindly, shut up.
"So what did you guys name your weapons?" Sun asked to break the silence while they walked.TIME AND PLACE, DAMMIT. TIME AND PLACE
( ... )
NO. Stop talking to me and telling me to do something! Why don't you fucking describe it better in terms that make sense for writing?!
And that was extremely painful to read through. I also get the feeling that he ripped this off from Naruto.
Torchwich ran for dear life...
AND THIS is why you should never put an OP OC into a canon rewrite. Honestly, if you're going to pump them with so much power that every fight can be won with them using nothing but their pinky, then the bad guy should NEVER get away. If your OC is strong enough to defeat the bad guy then that's it! Don't make the bad guy escape. It only makes your OC look useless because with all that power, they STILL can't take on the big bad.
"Speaking of weapons, do you have a name for your's yet?" Sun asked.
"Um… Nipzona?"(the P is silent so it doesn't sound so stupid) AJ said more like it was a question than a statement. "Can I just use a made up word?"No, you don't get to use the made up word. NOW KILL HIM, SUN
( ... )
I also get the feeling that he ripped this off from Naruto. It probably won't surprise you that he has a fic called "The Plus One of Team 7", where Boy gets dumped into Naruto to rip off that canon.
How about naming it after that one friend you mentioned having? But that would imply he actually cares about the people he left behind on Earth, and if he's angsty over something legitimate, it would detract from his Fauxnus angst!
It probably won't surprise you that he has a fic called "The Plus One of Team 7", where Boy gets dumped into Naruto to rip off that canon.
The Plus One of...?
*facepalms* I can't believe it. He's so lazy that he even rips himself off for title names! Does this guy have any title that is not "Plus One of Team So-So"?
At least this whole inner beast that's chained up inside him then breaks out and takes over temporary to kill things makes more sense there. Even if there's still no reason for Boy to have one inside him.
But that would imply he actually cares about the people he left behind on Earth, and if he's angsty over something legitimate, it would detract from his Fauxnus angst!
Of course, silly me. I forgot that he can't do anything to make him likable. Who wants to read a story where you can relate to the main character? How absurd!
Comments 5
If naming a weapon is so important, why didn't Bob tell you the name of the sword? It's not like this just magically appeared (although it wouldn't be any dumber if it had).
while AJ laughed/gasped a little.
If you want to sell me on this relationship, how about Boy gets angry on her behalf or something. He's gotten angry over far lesser things than this, after all. Instead, he's just laughing at her.
The one that didn't, which was behind her, was stabbed with claws and pulled away from the group with his screams muffled.
Yeah, attack a guy during a Mexican standoff. Great idea. Then when his gun goes off and shoots Blake, it'll be all your fault. And it's not like this is one of the guys you spend last chapter randomly defending (despite not having an emotional attachment to) or anything like that.
And how about some kind of response? The White Fang aren't going to just sit around while someone kills their friend. This situation should have exploded right then.
'Show ( ... )
Reply
Once again, the Stuthor is jumping around and waving his hands yelling "I WATCHED AHEAD!" *slaps the Stuthor's avatar with a sign that says "shut up"* Stop that!
"You would have lost anyone else with that." AJ deadpanned. "But lucky for you I got that, and you're right."
Um, what? You lost me there, Boy... were we not meant to get that? Sun was pretty damn clear.
Also, seriously think about what's going on in the scene before you have Boy prematurely raise the "I'm speshul" flag. Blake was the only person there to respond to Sun when he said that, and she understood him just fine. You have no frame of reference in this scene that would indicate that anyone else wouldn't understand Sun. So kindly, shut up.
"So what did you guys name your weapons?" Sun asked to break the silence while they walked.TIME AND PLACE, DAMMIT. TIME AND PLACE ( ... )
Reply
NO. Stop talking to me and telling me to do something! Why don't you fucking describe it better in terms that make sense for writing?!
And that was extremely painful to read through. I also get the feeling that he ripped this off from Naruto.
Torchwich ran for dear life...
AND THIS is why you should never put an OP OC into a canon rewrite. Honestly, if you're going to pump them with so much power that every fight can be won with them using nothing but their pinky, then the bad guy should NEVER get away. If your OC is strong enough to defeat the bad guy then that's it! Don't make the bad guy escape. It only makes your OC look useless because with all that power, they STILL can't take on the big bad.
"Speaking of weapons, do you have a name for your's yet?" Sun asked.
"Um… Nipzona?"(the P is silent so it doesn't sound so stupid) AJ said more like it was a question than a statement. "Can I just use a made up word?"No, you don't get to use the made up word. NOW KILL HIM, SUN ( ... )
Reply
It probably won't surprise you that he has a fic called "The Plus One of Team 7", where Boy gets dumped into Naruto to rip off that canon.
How about naming it after that one friend you mentioned having?
But that would imply he actually cares about the people he left behind on Earth, and if he's angsty over something legitimate, it would detract from his Fauxnus angst!
Reply
The Plus One of...?
*facepalms* I can't believe it. He's so lazy that he even rips himself off for title names! Does this guy have any title that is not "Plus One of Team So-So"?
At least this whole inner beast that's chained up inside him then breaks out and takes over temporary to kill things makes more sense there. Even if there's still no reason for Boy to have one inside him.
But that would imply he actually cares about the people he left behind on Earth, and if he's angsty over something legitimate, it would detract from his Fauxnus angst!
Of course, silly me. I forgot that he can't do anything to make him likable. Who wants to read a story where you can relate to the main character? How absurd!
Reply
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